Doctor

I just got back from my doctor's appointment.  She told me I should have gastric bypass.  That is all for now.

Kansas City Here I Come....

I went to Kansas City with Mom this morning to have blood work checked.  He said my estrogen was in a good place, surprisingly enough.  He didn't want to raise it or lower it.  I told him I was still having bad hot flashes, but that I'd power through, as usual.  All of my blood work was fine except my cholesterol and triglycerides.  They were much too high.  Although, I told him I didn't fast for the blood test, so he said the readings were higher than they actually should have been.
I asked him about a lap band and he said he'd write me a script for it if I wanted.  I told him about all the stuff I've tried to get the weight off, and that I've just given up.  These last 20 pounds have been my own lack of exercise and heavy sugar binges.  We talked about my sugar addiction and such.  He gave me this supplement, an amino acid, that he said will ramp up my fat burning ability, but the body processing sugar will completely impede it.  That gives me more incentive to lay off the junk.  I made cupcakes last night and came home from the appointment and threw them away.  I really wanted to get them out of the trash a few hours later, but didn't.  I made some tea instead.
If I do get a lap band, I want it to work.  I don't want to end up losing a little weight and then putting it all back on.  I'd rather die, and with my cholesterol number, I probably will.

I have this mindset that totally comes from my dad.  It's an all or nothing, black or white kind of mentality.  I love walking and getting out and about, but while I get heavier, it gets harder, so I avoid it.  I figure if I can't do at least a good hour of walking than its' not worth it.  I really need to work on that.
I used to like going around Gray's Lake with Sara, but it gets harder and my feet and knees hurt, so I just make excuses not to go.  Like Mom said, a block is better than nothing, so just keep at it.

I've been really depressed lately.  I'm blaming my hormones.  I've been crying at every little thing, and the other day I didn't bother getting out of bed until 8 pm.  It just didn't seem worth it.
Mom and I were talking in the car on the ride home.  We were talking about Dad, and how he's 58 years old, but looks like an 80 year old man, stooped over, gray hair, long beard, grotesquely thin.  It made me sad, so I gave him a call tonight.  I let him know I remember all the times he's saved me or my mom or my sisters' lives, and I appreciate it.  He didn't want to talk a long time, (he usually rambles for a couple of hours), but he said hearing from any of his kids helps get him through the week.  He's a sad, lonely, broken old man, and sometimes that's too much for me to think about.  Especially as I see some of his qualities in myself.

Anywho, I'm waiting on a free informational package I requested from the lap band site.  So that's that.  Maybe I'll sleep tonight.  Maybe not.

Surgery

Every time I see pictures of myself my resolve for having surgery is strengthened.  Tonight, after seeing pictures from the party at Tessa's and pictures from the symphony, I was doing some comparing between the gastric bypass, sleeve, and lap band.  I've decided lap band sounds right up my alley.  With gastric bypass your metabolism slows and you can't absorb nutrients such as calcium as well.  Lap band doesn't have that affect.  I'm a little freaked out that the lap band site says sometimes you have to verify that you've had weight problems for at least 5 years.  I think I could pass that.  I've not been under 175 - 180 pounds for.......  ten years.  I might have to fudge that and say 190.  Your BMI has to be 30 or higher for you to qualify.  At 190 I qualify with a BMI of 30.  Right now my BMI is 44.  That scares the shit out of me.

Anyway, I don't really feel like typing.

Fucking Gross

Fat person problem number 327 - I think I have a yeast infection in my ass crack.  Like, the very top inch or so.  The plumber's crack area.  It's really red and itchy, and when I was washing my crack in the shower that area stung a lot.  I've got some Monistat smeared in there right now.
This isn't technically a fat person problem, I was looking it up online and apparently it can happen to anyone, but my hot, sweaty nature is exacerbated by my weight and certain parts touching and rubbing and sweating against other parts.

Last summer I had these nasty red bumps in the insides of my thighs from my thighs sweating and rubbing together.  They went away in the winter, but now they're coming back.  I've got them starting under my armpits too.

Being fat makes showers very tedious, as I have to really get into certain parts, like my ass crack and under my tits and belly, because they're always sweating and never feel clean. I've rubbed my belly button raw before, trying to get it clean.
If you could see me in the shower, you'd all laugh your asses off.  My back rolls make it hard to reach around (also my back is generally stiff and doesn't move well), so I have to kind of squat down and go at it from underneath.  I can appreciate the comedy in that.

Neat Shoes

I am really interested in these shoes, and maybe when I get some more money paid off in my credit card I can look into getting them.  They're designed for overweight people.  There are a lot of good reviews online.  My feet always fucking hurt, which keeps me from wanting to be active a lot of times.  Maybe these would help.  Anyone who's ever walked with me knows I stop or slow down a lot because my feet and ankles (mostly the one I rolled) hurt.

http://www.reebok.com/CA/product?modelId=30039928&articleId=J22252

My Mom

I like this show that's called Say Yes to the Dress.  It's about women shopping for wedding dresses.  I don't know why I like it, I just do.  So I'm watching this episode that's featuring plus size brides.  There's a mom on there that is incredibly supportive of her plus size daughter.  I'd say she's a little heavier than me.  There's another mother (and cousin) that are with a woman who is only about 20 pounds overweight.  Her mom and her cousin have said things like, "you can't wear that, you're so fat," and "I don't even know why he'd propose to you when you look like that," and "I can't take you seriously in a wedding dress when you're this ugly."  The consultant is getting really angry, and finally said, "this appointment can't go any further.  This woman is a beautiful bride, not a joke."
I hate the way I look and I constantly am down on myself, but if I had to hear that from my mom, I'd probably sit in a hot bath and pop open my veins.  How could you ever live, knowing that's what your mom thought of you?  I'm sitting here bawling for this poor girl.  I hope her mom is hit by a car.  Jesus christ.
I was at home the other night with my mom, and she was tickling my back.  Some time passed and she said, "you're awfully quiet."  I burst into tears and said, "every time your hand brushes my back I feel it going over my back rolls and I just want to die."  She cuddled me for several minutes and said "I love your heart and your mind." That's what moms are for, and my mom is the greatest.

I have a doctors appointment on May 30th to discuss my weight and my interest in lap band or gastric bypass.  At this point I don't care which one it is.  I'd like to do it while I'm fully covered under COBRA.  I meet all the criteria for insurance to pay for either of the surgeries.  I only have about 475 left on my hysterectomy, so I feel like I'm ready.  I don't have a job to take time off from.  This would be a great time to do it.  I need to make sure I tell my doctor everything.  My disgust with myself, my fat person problems, my state of mind.

I was at my psychiatrist the other day for a check up and to get refills on my meds.  She was asking how I was doing.  I told her all the stuff I just mentioned.  I'm not particularly depressed, but I am absolutely consumed with my weight.  There's never a time I'm not thinking about it, whether I'm leisurely walking and feeling the fat on my arms rubbing my bra underwire, or lying in bed, thinking about how I've started to snore with all this extra weight now.  It never stops.  I'm obsessed.

She told me she wanted to talk to the head doctor in the office, to see what his thoughts were on my weight gain.  I gave her all the details of what I've been through.  Regularly exercising and eating right and being at a weight I felt good at, but gaining 20 pounds after starting hormone therapy to knock out my estrogen.  Being laid up for 6 weeks after surgery and gaining another 20.  Starting to work out again 2-3 hours a night and gaining another 15.  Getting desperate and joining Farrell's and gaining another 50.
She asked what I was doing now and I was blunt.  I told her I've given up.  Exercise hurts my whole body, so I just sit around, and I don't watch what I eat, because it doesn't matter.  I counted calories loyally for several months with no results.  I did tell her I'm planning on starting water aerobics at the Y in June, since I love the water and it would be easy on my joints and I had amazing results with w/a in Newton.

She called me later and gave me the number of an internal medicine doctor she wants me to see for a second opinion. I don't know what they could tell me that could possibly help.  At this point I think I just need a way to essentially stop taking in calories, like with a bypass, but I'll talk to my family doctor about that.  I'm 29 years old and I feel like my life is over.  I want it back.

On a happier note, congrats to Tyne who has lost a few more pounds!