My Mom

I like this show that's called Say Yes to the Dress.  It's about women shopping for wedding dresses.  I don't know why I like it, I just do.  So I'm watching this episode that's featuring plus size brides.  There's a mom on there that is incredibly supportive of her plus size daughter.  I'd say she's a little heavier than me.  There's another mother (and cousin) that are with a woman who is only about 20 pounds overweight.  Her mom and her cousin have said things like, "you can't wear that, you're so fat," and "I don't even know why he'd propose to you when you look like that," and "I can't take you seriously in a wedding dress when you're this ugly."  The consultant is getting really angry, and finally said, "this appointment can't go any further.  This woman is a beautiful bride, not a joke."
I hate the way I look and I constantly am down on myself, but if I had to hear that from my mom, I'd probably sit in a hot bath and pop open my veins.  How could you ever live, knowing that's what your mom thought of you?  I'm sitting here bawling for this poor girl.  I hope her mom is hit by a car.  Jesus christ.
I was at home the other night with my mom, and she was tickling my back.  Some time passed and she said, "you're awfully quiet."  I burst into tears and said, "every time your hand brushes my back I feel it going over my back rolls and I just want to die."  She cuddled me for several minutes and said "I love your heart and your mind." That's what moms are for, and my mom is the greatest.

I have a doctors appointment on May 30th to discuss my weight and my interest in lap band or gastric bypass.  At this point I don't care which one it is.  I'd like to do it while I'm fully covered under COBRA.  I meet all the criteria for insurance to pay for either of the surgeries.  I only have about 475 left on my hysterectomy, so I feel like I'm ready.  I don't have a job to take time off from.  This would be a great time to do it.  I need to make sure I tell my doctor everything.  My disgust with myself, my fat person problems, my state of mind.

I was at my psychiatrist the other day for a check up and to get refills on my meds.  She was asking how I was doing.  I told her all the stuff I just mentioned.  I'm not particularly depressed, but I am absolutely consumed with my weight.  There's never a time I'm not thinking about it, whether I'm leisurely walking and feeling the fat on my arms rubbing my bra underwire, or lying in bed, thinking about how I've started to snore with all this extra weight now.  It never stops.  I'm obsessed.

She told me she wanted to talk to the head doctor in the office, to see what his thoughts were on my weight gain.  I gave her all the details of what I've been through.  Regularly exercising and eating right and being at a weight I felt good at, but gaining 20 pounds after starting hormone therapy to knock out my estrogen.  Being laid up for 6 weeks after surgery and gaining another 20.  Starting to work out again 2-3 hours a night and gaining another 15.  Getting desperate and joining Farrell's and gaining another 50.
She asked what I was doing now and I was blunt.  I told her I've given up.  Exercise hurts my whole body, so I just sit around, and I don't watch what I eat, because it doesn't matter.  I counted calories loyally for several months with no results.  I did tell her I'm planning on starting water aerobics at the Y in June, since I love the water and it would be easy on my joints and I had amazing results with w/a in Newton.

She called me later and gave me the number of an internal medicine doctor she wants me to see for a second opinion. I don't know what they could tell me that could possibly help.  At this point I think I just need a way to essentially stop taking in calories, like with a bypass, but I'll talk to my family doctor about that.  I'm 29 years old and I feel like my life is over.  I want it back.

On a happier note, congrats to Tyne who has lost a few more pounds!