Kansas City Here I Come....

I went to Kansas City with Mom this morning to have blood work checked.  He said my estrogen was in a good place, surprisingly enough.  He didn't want to raise it or lower it.  I told him I was still having bad hot flashes, but that I'd power through, as usual.  All of my blood work was fine except my cholesterol and triglycerides.  They were much too high.  Although, I told him I didn't fast for the blood test, so he said the readings were higher than they actually should have been.
I asked him about a lap band and he said he'd write me a script for it if I wanted.  I told him about all the stuff I've tried to get the weight off, and that I've just given up.  These last 20 pounds have been my own lack of exercise and heavy sugar binges.  We talked about my sugar addiction and such.  He gave me this supplement, an amino acid, that he said will ramp up my fat burning ability, but the body processing sugar will completely impede it.  That gives me more incentive to lay off the junk.  I made cupcakes last night and came home from the appointment and threw them away.  I really wanted to get them out of the trash a few hours later, but didn't.  I made some tea instead.
If I do get a lap band, I want it to work.  I don't want to end up losing a little weight and then putting it all back on.  I'd rather die, and with my cholesterol number, I probably will.

I have this mindset that totally comes from my dad.  It's an all or nothing, black or white kind of mentality.  I love walking and getting out and about, but while I get heavier, it gets harder, so I avoid it.  I figure if I can't do at least a good hour of walking than its' not worth it.  I really need to work on that.
I used to like going around Gray's Lake with Sara, but it gets harder and my feet and knees hurt, so I just make excuses not to go.  Like Mom said, a block is better than nothing, so just keep at it.

I've been really depressed lately.  I'm blaming my hormones.  I've been crying at every little thing, and the other day I didn't bother getting out of bed until 8 pm.  It just didn't seem worth it.
Mom and I were talking in the car on the ride home.  We were talking about Dad, and how he's 58 years old, but looks like an 80 year old man, stooped over, gray hair, long beard, grotesquely thin.  It made me sad, so I gave him a call tonight.  I let him know I remember all the times he's saved me or my mom or my sisters' lives, and I appreciate it.  He didn't want to talk a long time, (he usually rambles for a couple of hours), but he said hearing from any of his kids helps get him through the week.  He's a sad, lonely, broken old man, and sometimes that's too much for me to think about.  Especially as I see some of his qualities in myself.

Anywho, I'm waiting on a free informational package I requested from the lap band site.  So that's that.  Maybe I'll sleep tonight.  Maybe not.