I have an appointment with my doctor on September 7th to talk about my weight and dieting efforts again. Then the bariatric department will continue with the process of getting my gut removed.
I had a dream last night that Dad came back to life. He was sitting in the back seat of my car, since I was taking him home. He said to me, "I'm dead and you'll die to if you don't do something." Then he held up a piece of paper that said "age 33." Meaning... If I don't do something about my weight soon, I'll die when I'm 33. I know it was just a dream, but it freaked me out. The rest of the dream I was trying to find a home for an abused puppy while Dad watched me from his recliner. Everywhere I went, he followed me in the recliner. I had the feeling that I missed him, but at the same time I had a feeling of dread because he was back. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now, and I'm glad I have therapy on the 29th. People seem to think I should be fine with Dad's death because he was abusive. But nothing is ever that simple. It was that simple with my grandpa. I fucking hated that piece of shit. But this is different.
Part of my healing process is starting to sing again. I'm taking voice lessons and joining choir at DMACC. I get 3 credits out of it. I'm glad I'll have a full load this fall. It will give me something to do, but at the same time, I'm stressed out about it.
I always thought of myself as strong. Strong as an ox. But now I feel weak as a kitten. Every little thing stresses me out or makes me panic. I panic when I wake up, if I manage to sleep. I panic at night, when I'm trying to get to bed.
I don't know. I don't know anything. I can't handle anything. I feel like I've regressed back to my mental state in high school in a matter of a couple of weeks. I'm REALLY leaning on my medicine right now.
About Me
- Fatbutt McGee
- A menopausal 30 year old, over two years after hysterectomy, struggling with body changes and weight gain.
That does sound like an upsetting dream. I've had similar dreams before, and they're always really jarring. It would freak me out too.
ReplyDeleteI'd say people who seem to think you should be fine with your dad's death need to seriously look at the situation. It's like I said about my dad's step-dad dying; my dad had all right to hate that man for what he did to him, but since that was the only father he'd ever known, he was really upset when he passed away. My dad put it like this: he was sad for the things that were, and the things that could have been, and that's a normal, healthy feeling.
Hopefully singing will help out a lot. I'm glad you have a lot to do too because having stuff to do does make people feel better, in general. I think you're just going to have a readjustment period for a while. I'm here if you need anything!
I hope your appt with the dr. goes well. Your dream sounds unsettling :-( I bet that doesn't make it any easier to sleep. Its understandable that you have some mixed feelings about your dads death. And it is normal to question ones own mortality when someone we love dies. I am glad you will be singing again. You have a great voice. I hope you find it fun and therapeutic.
ReplyDeleteYou can call me anytime. I know it feels freaky right now and you don't feel strong...but you are. You are still standing. And you have your friends and family to lean on as well as meds. I love you.