I'm sleeping a lot better with the CPAP machine, but now I've got some rebound insomnia from trying to quit Ambien. I didn't get to sleep until 8 am yesterday morning and I slept until 5ish pm.
In other news, I feel fat.
When I was painting at the high school this week, I looked at the side of the ladder I was using to discover a warning not to exceed 225 pounds. I poked Tron and said, "I'd better go, I'm too fat for the ladder."
The ladder held up fine, although my knees and hips were a bit sore from going up and down the damn thing for 10 hours over 2 days. Oh well. At least I could climb it.
Also my $130 MiracleSuit fell apart on me. The underwire came popping out and there was a big rip in the bust. I bought a Speedo for 50 bucks, but the top of it fit all wrong. The torso and ass were fine, but my tits were bulging out the sides and pulling the straps down. I had to order a $70 Enell sports bra to go with it, since those are the only bras that can minimize my tits, and they're just generally fantastic. The combo of the bra and suit look a little funny, but then again, my fat looks funny, so whatever. It worked great in the pool and I didn't have any tit issues during shallow water boot camp.
Squirt is on a mission to fix up my MiracleSuit.
NOTE: I will be accepting payments from Enell for plugging their product.
SECOND NOTE: I will take down my negative comments about Speedo and MiracleSuit if they send me money.
About Me
- Fatbutt McGee
- A menopausal 30 year old, over two years after hysterectomy, struggling with body changes and weight gain.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Goin' Lesbo
I have such a lady boner for Canine Romantasist right now. Someday her philanthropy will be recognized by the greatest world leaders, and she will be the envy of all of her peers. YOU'RE THE GREATEST, DEE!!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Scary Scary
I'm sitting here feeling terrified about my future, so I thought I'd blog.
It hasn't taken me very long to get used to my CPAP, and I can tell it's working. I didn't fall asleep until 5 am today, but I woke up feeling rested around 1 pm, which is 8 hours of sleep, like normal people get. I felt sleepy during the day, but I didn't take a nap. I felt like I could power through the sleepiness. I've also started cutting my Ambien in half.
At one point in the morning I woke up and pulled my mask off. I drifted off but woke up 3 different times with a big inhale, like I hadn't been breathing. It wasn't the gasping most people describe, but I don't snore, so my gasping is a bit more subtle.
So my fear of dying in my sleep has decreased, and I'm starting to feel a bit more functional even though it's only been a couple of days. I hope it only gets better. Maybe I'll feel more like trying to find a job since I don't feel like a dried out turd on a long stretch of road all the time. Seriously though, it's hard to describe how shitty I feel all the time. And when you think about it, each time I go to sleep, my heart and brain die a little from oxygen deprivation.
Maybe once I start to lose weight I'll feel even better, and more like I'm suitable for the workplace.
It hasn't taken me very long to get used to my CPAP, and I can tell it's working. I didn't fall asleep until 5 am today, but I woke up feeling rested around 1 pm, which is 8 hours of sleep, like normal people get. I felt sleepy during the day, but I didn't take a nap. I felt like I could power through the sleepiness. I've also started cutting my Ambien in half.
At one point in the morning I woke up and pulled my mask off. I drifted off but woke up 3 different times with a big inhale, like I hadn't been breathing. It wasn't the gasping most people describe, but I don't snore, so my gasping is a bit more subtle.
So my fear of dying in my sleep has decreased, and I'm starting to feel a bit more functional even though it's only been a couple of days. I hope it only gets better. Maybe I'll feel more like trying to find a job since I don't feel like a dried out turd on a long stretch of road all the time. Seriously though, it's hard to describe how shitty I feel all the time. And when you think about it, each time I go to sleep, my heart and brain die a little from oxygen deprivation.
Maybe once I start to lose weight I'll feel even better, and more like I'm suitable for the workplace.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Thanks Dad
I just called the sleep center. I have obstructive sleep apnea. I have to wait for the equipment place to call me so I can go and get a machine and learn how to use it. The lady said I had 9.3 events per hour, meaning that's how many times I quit breathing. She said that's pretty low, but my oxygen level dropped to 76, which is REALLY low. So, I'm all freaked out now. And I have a ton of questions. Every time I talk to the sleep center, they talk to me like I already know all of this stuff. I don't know anything! Or they act like someone already told me. When I called the center I thought they were going to give me a full diagnosis or whatever, but the lady just goes, "you need a CPAP, who do you go to for medical supply?" I was like, "wait, wait, wait, what's my diagnosis? What does that mean? I don't have a medical supply place, I've never done this before!" I still don't have all the answers I want, so I'm gonna have to call and talk to a nurse or something. I'm not scheduled for a checkup until January.
A Scary Thought
I've been afraid to go to sleep since my sleep study. I'm afraid I'll quit breathing or something and die.
And I had another thought. What if it's my Ambien that's making me fat? Maybe it's not as hormonal as I think it is. After my hysterectomy I couldn't sleep, so I started Ambien. My weight gain really started to take off and get out of hand. I started hormone therapy to no avail. In the meantime I'm still taking Ambien every night. It doesn't help me rest, but it makes me binge eat. If I indeed have sleep apnea, is it from the Ambien? Is it doing more harm than good? Is it relaxing my muscles so my throat collapses, keeping me from getting good sleep and thus making me tired and hungry all day and then binge again when I take it at night??? What the hell is going on?? I want to get off of it. I'm going to start lowering my dose. I'll call my doctor and see if it's okay to cut them in half. I know some pills you aren't supposed to cut.
Oh, and happy birthday to my dad. Born 10/10/53 - Died 8/3/11
And I had another thought. What if it's my Ambien that's making me fat? Maybe it's not as hormonal as I think it is. After my hysterectomy I couldn't sleep, so I started Ambien. My weight gain really started to take off and get out of hand. I started hormone therapy to no avail. In the meantime I'm still taking Ambien every night. It doesn't help me rest, but it makes me binge eat. If I indeed have sleep apnea, is it from the Ambien? Is it doing more harm than good? Is it relaxing my muscles so my throat collapses, keeping me from getting good sleep and thus making me tired and hungry all day and then binge again when I take it at night??? What the hell is going on?? I want to get off of it. I'm going to start lowering my dose. I'll call my doctor and see if it's okay to cut them in half. I know some pills you aren't supposed to cut.
Oh, and happy birthday to my dad. Born 10/10/53 - Died 8/3/11
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sleep Study
I had my sleep study done Wednesday morning at 2 am. I got there around 1:15 and it took about an hour for them to get me hooked up to all the wires. It was kind of annoying, but I got to watch TV while they were doing it, so I was entertained.
The first wire they hooked up was supposed to be under my left ribs. When she told me that I was like, "the study will be over before you can find my ribs." I think that made her uncomfortable, so I downplayed the fat jokes. I had two wires on each leg, a whole bunch on my head, one by each eye, one on each side of my jaw, three on my chin, one behind my left ear, two on my chest, and two things that went up my nose. One was an oxygen meter and one was a temperature thing. Then I had this big thing the wires were all connected to that I had to carry with me if I wanted to move. The bed was actually quite nice. It was one of those adjustable deals, where you can raise the legs or raise the head. I always sleep with a ton of pillows under my legs to keep pressure off of my back, so using that deal instead was kind of nice. I'm glad I brought my own pillow because theirs were crap. If I have to go in and do it again I'll bring my own blanket too.
So, the girl that was hooking me up said, "it looks like you're doing the split study." I told her I had no idea what that meant. Apparently I should have read the packet they sent me in the mail. Oh well. With the split study, they started me off with those wires up my nose, then they came in 4 hours later and put a CPAP mask on me. I asked what that meant and the girl said in the first half of the study I met criteria for needing the mask on. I was kind of pressing for more information, but it seemed like she wasn't allowed to tell me or something. Like, does that mean I have sleep apnea? What does "criteria" mean?
Anyway, so they put that mask on. I was able to sleep the first half of the night, but once they put that thing on, it was all over. I woke up about every 20 minutes. The mask itself wasn't uncomfortable, but there's a constant flow of air that comes through it. Breathing in is really easy since you've got this rush of air, but breathing out and pushing against it is a real bitch. It was like trying to breathe out through a stuffed up nose. And you can't breathe through your mouth or all of the air from the mask whooshes out, and that feels really weird. The technician said if I didn't breathe through my nose they'd have to put a strap around my chin to keep it closed. I'm a nose breather anyway, so that was fine.
I had these weird dreams the whole night about some shirtless guy that kept coming in my room to check on me, but he was threatening my family while he was checking my wires. It was kind of fucked up.
The technicians had to come in my room a couple of times during the night when wires came unhooked, but other than that they left me alone. There was a microphone mounted to the bed so if I needed help all I had to do was talk and they could hear me. There was a speaker system too that they could speak to me through. At one point in the night I was tossing around because I wanted to lay on my side but they told me to try and stay on my back. Someone came over the speaker and told me I could turn over if I wanted. It was kind of freaky. Another time I was kicking a lot and someone asked if I was ok. I tried to tell them I was fine, but the air coming through the CPAP made it hard to talk.
I woke up at one point and turned on the TV and saw that it was 1:30 pm so I told them I was up. There were no windows and no clocks in the room and you couldn't have your cell phone on, so I was switching through channels to try and find the time.
Unhooking everything went a lot faster and I took a shower there since there was all of this gunk in my hair from the electrodes. When I was driving home I was trying really hard to pay attention. I slept so shitty I was really tired and went up on the curb a couple of times.
I have to wait 3-4 days for the results. I'm not looking forward to talking to that stupid doctor again. I've already developed an intense hatred of him based on our one meeting.
I REALLY don't want to have sleep apnea, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're going to tell me. So I've been thinking about that and wondering, have I always been like this and just didn't realize it? Is it because I'm so fat? Is it because I'm taking Ambien? Is it relaxing my airway or something and causing it to collapse? I just don't want to sleep with a mask for the rest of my life. I can tell you that when I'm laying on my back, my tits and chest fat push up against my throat and makes it feel like I'm choking, so I hope losing weight helps this. I'm still just assuming. I don't even know what's wrong with me.
I hope they saw how much I clench my jaw when I sleep. I always wake up with it hurting. That's one of the reasons I don't sleep with my mouth open. I'm too busy clenching.
In other news, I went and saw January about my meds, since I called in and requested the increase in Xanax when Dad died. I was telling her about what was going on and she was so nice about it it made me cry. When I was talking to her I realized I prefer talking to her as opposed to my therapist. I don't think I like my new one. I miss Peg. She was perfect for me. Anyway, January said not to worry about being on the higher dose of Xanax. She was like, "you've got a whole spectrum of problems going on right now. Losing your dad, sleep, weight. Just work on slowly getting better, and it sounds like you're going through grieving normally." That made me feel a little better since I've felt like an inadequate bum lately.
I'm going to wait for this migraine I have to go away then do some homework.
The first wire they hooked up was supposed to be under my left ribs. When she told me that I was like, "the study will be over before you can find my ribs." I think that made her uncomfortable, so I downplayed the fat jokes. I had two wires on each leg, a whole bunch on my head, one by each eye, one on each side of my jaw, three on my chin, one behind my left ear, two on my chest, and two things that went up my nose. One was an oxygen meter and one was a temperature thing. Then I had this big thing the wires were all connected to that I had to carry with me if I wanted to move. The bed was actually quite nice. It was one of those adjustable deals, where you can raise the legs or raise the head. I always sleep with a ton of pillows under my legs to keep pressure off of my back, so using that deal instead was kind of nice. I'm glad I brought my own pillow because theirs were crap. If I have to go in and do it again I'll bring my own blanket too.
So, the girl that was hooking me up said, "it looks like you're doing the split study." I told her I had no idea what that meant. Apparently I should have read the packet they sent me in the mail. Oh well. With the split study, they started me off with those wires up my nose, then they came in 4 hours later and put a CPAP mask on me. I asked what that meant and the girl said in the first half of the study I met criteria for needing the mask on. I was kind of pressing for more information, but it seemed like she wasn't allowed to tell me or something. Like, does that mean I have sleep apnea? What does "criteria" mean?
Anyway, so they put that mask on. I was able to sleep the first half of the night, but once they put that thing on, it was all over. I woke up about every 20 minutes. The mask itself wasn't uncomfortable, but there's a constant flow of air that comes through it. Breathing in is really easy since you've got this rush of air, but breathing out and pushing against it is a real bitch. It was like trying to breathe out through a stuffed up nose. And you can't breathe through your mouth or all of the air from the mask whooshes out, and that feels really weird. The technician said if I didn't breathe through my nose they'd have to put a strap around my chin to keep it closed. I'm a nose breather anyway, so that was fine.
I had these weird dreams the whole night about some shirtless guy that kept coming in my room to check on me, but he was threatening my family while he was checking my wires. It was kind of fucked up.
The technicians had to come in my room a couple of times during the night when wires came unhooked, but other than that they left me alone. There was a microphone mounted to the bed so if I needed help all I had to do was talk and they could hear me. There was a speaker system too that they could speak to me through. At one point in the night I was tossing around because I wanted to lay on my side but they told me to try and stay on my back. Someone came over the speaker and told me I could turn over if I wanted. It was kind of freaky. Another time I was kicking a lot and someone asked if I was ok. I tried to tell them I was fine, but the air coming through the CPAP made it hard to talk.
I woke up at one point and turned on the TV and saw that it was 1:30 pm so I told them I was up. There were no windows and no clocks in the room and you couldn't have your cell phone on, so I was switching through channels to try and find the time.
Unhooking everything went a lot faster and I took a shower there since there was all of this gunk in my hair from the electrodes. When I was driving home I was trying really hard to pay attention. I slept so shitty I was really tired and went up on the curb a couple of times.
I have to wait 3-4 days for the results. I'm not looking forward to talking to that stupid doctor again. I've already developed an intense hatred of him based on our one meeting.
I REALLY don't want to have sleep apnea, but I'm pretty sure that's what they're going to tell me. So I've been thinking about that and wondering, have I always been like this and just didn't realize it? Is it because I'm so fat? Is it because I'm taking Ambien? Is it relaxing my airway or something and causing it to collapse? I just don't want to sleep with a mask for the rest of my life. I can tell you that when I'm laying on my back, my tits and chest fat push up against my throat and makes it feel like I'm choking, so I hope losing weight helps this. I'm still just assuming. I don't even know what's wrong with me.
I hope they saw how much I clench my jaw when I sleep. I always wake up with it hurting. That's one of the reasons I don't sleep with my mouth open. I'm too busy clenching.
In other news, I went and saw January about my meds, since I called in and requested the increase in Xanax when Dad died. I was telling her about what was going on and she was so nice about it it made me cry. When I was talking to her I realized I prefer talking to her as opposed to my therapist. I don't think I like my new one. I miss Peg. She was perfect for me. Anyway, January said not to worry about being on the higher dose of Xanax. She was like, "you've got a whole spectrum of problems going on right now. Losing your dad, sleep, weight. Just work on slowly getting better, and it sounds like you're going through grieving normally." That made me feel a little better since I've felt like an inadequate bum lately.
I'm going to wait for this migraine I have to go away then do some homework.
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