Fat Isn't Cheap

I realized tonight I have a couple weddings to go to in the next couple of weeks.  This has thrown me into a panic.  The first wedding is for my cousin.  I will be singing with my big sister, in front of everyone I know.  I already have imagined what each of them will be saying.  "Oh my god, look at Tiffini, she's gotten so big." With the exception of my dad and grandpa before he became a rotting corpse, my family is very supportive and would never actually say those things to me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way.

I took to the internets to find some clothes.  I've been buying them in spurts since I essentially have had to replace my entire wardrobe with bigger clothes.  Bras, underwear, work clothes, jeans..... EVERYTHING.  It is mother fucking expensive.  I'm not the most fashionable person in the world, but I know what I like, and some of the stuff on these plus size sites is just awful.  God awful.  The stuff that is pretty cute is so much money.  I'm embarrassed at how much money I've put on my credit card buying clothes that will fit my bulbous figure.  I almost had a heart attack when I saw my credit card statement.  How funny and tragic that would have been.  Tiffini, dead of a heart attack caused by the shock of seeing the bill for her fat clothes.  Poor dear would have died from heart disease anyway.
So now I'm looking for ways I can bring a little more money in.  Selling some of my artwork, maybe a part time job, perhaps turning tricks for the chubby chasers out there.

The hardest part about all of this is, the second wedding I have to go to is for a friend of my boyfriend.  He wants his friends and family to meet me.  I would like to look nice.  I would like his friends and family to look at me and think, "oh wow, what a beautiful girl, Nathan has really done well for himself."  I am terrified the opposite is going to happen.  They all wonder what this nice young man is doing with a curly haired whale.  What is she doing out of the water?  Should someone alert Sea World?  Is there a marine biologist in the house???
I know that he loves me and is crazy about me, but I don't feel good about my body, and I can't get passed this feeling that he has to settle for a blob with a nice personality.  I worry about sex.  Is it good for him?  He says it is, but I can't help noticing the cellulite on my thighs when my legs are in the air, or the way my ass and my belly wiggle in the throws of passion.  It's embarrassing.  Way more embarrassing than talking about it on here.  Is he wishing I were someone else?  Are these just pity fucks?  Or desperation lays?  After growing weary of jerking off, the move is made on the pudgy girlfriend.  She'll be better than the hand at least for tonight.
Please, PLEASE don't think these are things he's said to me.  He's only ever given me the impression that he loves me and loves having sex with me, fat or no fat, and that he thinks I am beautiful.  These thoughts are my own insecurities, clawing their way from my toes, up to my mind so they can grow in the sunlight.  Nasty little fuckers. 
I will occasionally ask for reassurance on my looks, but I try not to do it too much.  How obnoxious to have an insecure girlfriend constantly begging for compliments.  I always avoid the trap questions, like, does this make my butt look big.  I already know my ass is fat, I don't need someone to lie to me and say, "oh no, you look like a supermodel."  Whatever.  We all know that's a lie.

Right now I'm trying to overcome this feeling that I might as well not even try to look presentable.  I see very well groomed fat women all over the place, and I think they look great in their fat chic clothes and cute hairstyles and makeup.  Why are they different from me?  They look amazing, but in regards to myself, I don't see how makeup will help at all.  It may make my face look pretty, but what is it doing for my grotesque  hips?  I need to go get a bikini wax, but what does it matter that my lady bits are groomed and sexy if right above them is a stretched out, sweaty fat roll?  Why should I style my hair?  Why should I paint my nails?  Why should I even shower when I wake up?  I'll still be obese that day, and that's all I can notice, even if the rest of the world thinks this grooming makes me look sharp.