Still So Far Away

This weekend was an absolute calorie nightmare.  I had a good time meeting Nathan's parents and friends, but the first meal we had with his parents was fried pork burgers, onion rings, and fried mushrooms.  I'm sure I went way over my alloted calories.  Then we went and ate at a pizza joint that night.  Later we had fried fish and cheesy rice, went to Olive Garden, then Nathan's mom made pumpkin bread.  It was all tasty, but jesus christ.
I tried to get back on track Monday, but we went to Hardee's on our way home to Iowa, which was 1400 calories, and then we cooked a big steak dinner with pasta salad and deviled eggs and pumpkin bars.
So I think I ended up eating 2700 or 2800 calories, which would have meant I broke even for that day or went over by a couple hundred.  I'm not sure since the BodyBugg was charging.

My back really started to hurt last night after supper, and when I went to bed I was hurting really bad.  I took a bunch of Advil and such, and when I woke up I could barely move.  I thought for sure it would spasm.  I didn't sleep for shit because the pain kept waking me up.
I walked back to my place from Nathan's and ate maybe 4 pumpkin bars.  I'm not exactly sure of the amount since I was just eating them out of the pan with a fork.  I haven't eaten anything else, but I have a serious gut ache.  Those bars are LOADED with calories.  I'm just going to assume they were about 2100-2200 and that I can't have anything else to eat for the day, unless it's a 60 calorie can of salmon.  I've had to do that before, like when I ate an entire package of soft batch cookies, at 1700 calories.  I just tried to avoid eating for the rest of the day.  I know why I binged.  I did it to feel good.  I gorge when I'm in pain, and right now I'm in a lot of it, and I feel too exhausted to try and fight it.
It's not like I'm hungry anyway right now, and I'm supposed to fast tonight, starting at 8 pm for blood work tomorrow.

My big sister sent me an article about things you need to know if you need to lose 100 pounds or more.  It didn't really say anything I didn't already know.  It just talked about how to know when you're ready to lose the weight, how to keep yourself psyched up, yadda yadda yadda.  One of the things they recommended was figuring out what you're actually getting out of being fat.  I know what they meant by this, but I don't think that question applies to me.  I had to answer this when I was in therapy, using anger instead of obesity.  What do I get out of being angry?  That was easy to answer.  I feel tough, instead of vulnerable.  I was vulnerable growing up with my dad and I hated it.  It made me feel weak.  So now I try to be exactly the opposite.  Anger keeps people at a distance, so I don't have to get really close to people.  There are a handful of exceptions to that, obviously, but there's a smaller chance of me getting hurt.
I can't really think of anything I'm getting from being fat.  I hate everything about it.  If anything I'm just afraid of the effort, mental and physical, that it takes to really do it.

I really should work out tonight, but my back is still killing me and I'm dead tired, so I don't know if that will happen.  I just want to go to sleep right now.  I wish I had some pain pills.
I go to the doctor next week.