Fuck the Holidays

The only reason to look forward to the holidays is a day off of work.  Since I don't have a job, I don't care. The other reason is to see family you don't often get to see, but I'm near my mom and my sisters visit a lot.
I got to Grinnell on Wednesday night and hung out with Squirt and Tron.  We watched Louis C.K, which always cheers me up.
Thursday though, sheesh.  I got to sleep around 2 am, and felt like I slept well.  Mom and Squirt were bugging me to go to bed at 11, and for some reason that made me mad.  I put the quote up on facebook, so you've all probably seen it.  Mom was just calmly telling me to try and sleep, and I was freaking out and accused her of yelling, because in my head it felt like I was getting chewed out.
I heard Mom and Squirt being busy in the kitchen the next morning, so I actually woke up around 8 am.  Mom came in and got me at 11:30 and I didn't put up a fight.  However, the mattress she has hurts my back something fierce, so upon waking me she inadvertently woke a raging bitch.  I was having a dream that I was trying out for some super girl band, and there was a series of tests I had to go through, but I couldn't pass them because someone kept putting an ice pick in my spine.  I was roused several times only to realize the pain from the dream was fucking real.  At one point I yelled out from the pain, but I don't think anyone heard me.
When I was officially awake, I hobbled around some and was annoyed by my mom and sister's perky disposition.  I had 3 things on my mind: my back, my weight, and my dad.  Sometimes seeing his stuff at Mom's place gets to me, and automatically puts me in a foul mood.  My psychiatrist said not to worry, that my irritation is completely normal and will get better with time.
My back, duh, hurt, so I didn't want to go anywhere.  Then when I got out of the shower I was greeted by Mom's large mirrors.  I don't dry off in front of a mirror at home, and can't really see past my torso in that thing anyway, but Mom's are a lot bigger and were right in my face.  I was lifting my belly rolls to dry off and I totally broke down and bawled.  I made sure the fan in the bathroom was on and the door was shut because I didn't want anyone to hear me.  So I sobbed in my towel for awhile.  Mom tried to come in once and I told her to get out, and Squirt came in once and I told her to leave me alone.  I can't stand the idea of my family seeing how gross I am.  And I certainly didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at my cousin's, but I went anyway.  Thank god they have dogs.  When we pulled in the driveway I remembered there were puppies waiting for me, so while everyone else went inside, I played with the dogs for a bit.  One of them is a golden lab type named Rusty, and the other is a Husky or Malamute or mix named Bella.
You can't stay grumpy in the May house for very long.  Kathy May, my cousin, is just goddamn hilarious.  She's the best story teller and you never get that awkward, "there's nothing to say" vibe when you're around her.  Her daughter Shannon is getting married in 10 months or so, and told Kathy she needs to work on her inside voice, or, her "wedding voice" since she's pretty loud.  So all afternoon she'd stop talking and go, "oh excuse me, I forgot my wedding voice."  Maybe you had to be there, but it was so funny.  She just said it with so much sarcasm.  At one point we were all sitting around doing a puzzle and she corrected her voice volume again, and I said, "you know, when you're using your wedding volume, your voice takes on a sort of 900 number tone, so I think you're pretty much screwed since being loud and being sultry are inappropriate."  She was like, "TIFFINI, your truth is not welcome here!"  We had a good laugh.  We were talking about Facebook some and I said I don't keep many friends on it because I don't want people to know what a bad person I am.  Kathy looks at me and goes, "don't you think that's pretty much not a secret anymore?"  Hilarious.
We Skyped with Shannon for a little bit since she was at her fiance's house.
There are 3 kids, Shannon, Patrick, and Alex.  Shannon is the oldest and loves travel.  She's fluent in Spanish and does some translation work, I believe.  She's spent a lot of time in Spain, which is where Alex, the youngest, is right now.  Kathy was telling us the family he's staying with has this little 4 year old girl that is just totally enamored with him.  Kathy was like, "she hangs all over him, and he is getting just what he deserves because he's always been a trouble maker."  Again, you probably had to be there.  Kathy was expressing some irritation that he's not more fluent in Spanish.  The middle kid, Patrick, is kind of quiet and is happy working in Maquoketa as a truck dispatcher.  He likes being near home.  Maybe it's a middle child thing.  I've never felt the need to go off on my own far away, and I don't crave job success and recognition, (don't get me wrong, I'll travel if the opportunity presents itself, but I don't have this need for wild, global exploits).  I'm just happy when I'm able to pay my bills and sleep in a bed that doesn't hurt my back.  Patrick is fluent in Japanese, but he's so quiet, you'd never guess it.

Anyway, we left the May's around 5 and then went to see the crazies and bring them food.  I was completely uninterested in talking to any of them and I wasn't hungry, so I just sat on the couch and talked to Bryan.  He was sensing my irritation so he joined me on the couch and we laughed at various internet memes.
My cousin is getting a little bit of a baby bump, and she's just as goddamn fake as ever.  I seriously hope that baby dies.  I don't care how.  Miscarriage, suffocated by one of Tawny's 8 cats, SIDS, whatever.  She will be the worst mother ever.  Trust me when I say the baby is better off dead.
My aunt started off in dramatic fashion, but then drifted off to another room and was mostly quiet.  When we came in she started hugging me and goes, "I've just been crying all day, I miss your dad so much."  I wanted to punch her.  Mostly because she never sounds sincere when she says it.  She says it in a way that will garner attention.  The whole "oh poor me" routine.  I swore to myself that if I heard her say anything like, "it's so important for family to stick together," or something like that, that I would slay her immediately.  Luckily for us both, she never uttered those words.
Oh yeah, go figure, the animals at that place are stupid, and I hate them.  There's a snotty cockatiel that will try to bite you.  I fucking hate birds.  There's a cat that always runs from me because she only likes men, and there's a shitty little spaniel my aunt inherited from her recently deceased friend that bit my hand the last time I was there, so I hate it.  Fucking bitey little goddamn dog.  I'm sure my aunt is damaging it the way she damages all of her animals, like the dog she used to have that she masturbated.  Yeah.  The "red rocket" game from Southpark?  That's her.

We didn't stay very long, and now I'm in Davenport with Tyne and B-Rye until Saturday.  Bryan said we may go to the shooting range tomorrow, which would be awesome since I've only ever fired a BB gun.  I'm sure I'll suck because of the palsy, but whatever.  I'd like to know how to handle a gun when the zombie apocalypse comes.
Saturday we go to my good aunt's house on my mom's side of the famliy.  I have the same dread that I had for today, but at least one of my aunts that will be there had gastric bypass a long time ago, so they all understand weight bullshit, and they won't be fake or delusional or crazy.