Erg

I am in a horrible mood.  I've been snapping at everyone.  I'm not mad about anything, I'm just in pain.  It's my back AGAIN.  This time it's weird, it only really hurts when I'm standing up or sitting in a certain position.  If I lay down it goes away completely.  Mom stopped over here tonight to drop some stuff off on her way to church, and I bit her head off, along with Nathan's.
I don't think anyone can really understand unless they have a bad back.  Mom also asked if I'd made any progress with the bypass surgery.  That made me snap again.  While being obese doesn't help my back at all, it's not the cause of the pain.  Mom said something about how maybe they'd address my back pain after the surgery.  I barked that I don't need a diagnosis, I just need to go to the chiro twice a week until I feel better.  I haven't been to the chiro forever.  Several months.  My insurance only pays for so many visits, and I reached the max a long time ago.
I already know what's wrong with my back.  I don't need anyone to tell me what's wrong.  I need to lose weight so I can actually stretch again.  Oh yeah, Mom asked if I was stretching to loosen up my muscles, and I yelled, "I'M TOO FAT TO STRETCH!"  And I am.  It's easier when I'm in the water, but my gut really gets in the way.
So then I had to apologize to Mom and Nathan, but I wanted them both to just go away.  It just hurts so bad, and I hate living in this body.
Has anyone seen the movie Powder?  There's a part where a group of guys go hunting, and while a deer that has been shot is dying, Powder touches the arm of the hunter and the neck of the dear, and transfers the fear and pain into the hunter.  I wish I could do that.  I feel like people think I'm faking it or it's not as bad as I make it out to be.  I wish I could just touch them and then they'd know.

At this point I don't even care if I get hooked on pain killers.  I DON'T CARE.  I just don't want to hurt anymore.  I'm getting scolded for all the OTC medicine I take to try and dull the pain.  I know I take way too much.  I know it's hurting my stomach and my liver.  I'm not a moron.  But there's a trade off.  Just like there was a trade off with my hysterectomy.  I have hot flashes and other problems now, but it sure as hell beats being doubled over in pain all the time.

When I was referred to Marshalltown for my pelvic pain, before the first laparoscopy I had where they tried to burn off the endometriosis, I was telling the doctor how I coped with the pain.  I told her I could go through a whole bottle of Aleve in a day, and if that didn't help, I'd have a friend squeeze my hand as hard as they could, until I yelled out that it was too much.  It distracted me from the stabbing sensations in my gut.

It wasn't until after that that my doctor gave me Tylenol 3, and eventually Tylenol 4 for the pain.  They wouldn't give me anything until they could actually SEE one of my ovaries sticking to my uterus.  I wasn't making it up.  I'M NOT MAKING IT UP NOW!

I'm always nice to people on the phone, but when I called my doctor's nurse, I bit her head off too.  She was taking her sweet time looking up my info, and I was holding my breath because my back hurt so bad, and finally I just said, "hurry it up!!!"

I'm tempted to go to the ER, but I don't want the bill, and I don't want to have to wait for a bunch of x-rays and listen to lectures about my weight.  And I don't want steroids.  They always make me feel weird and puffy, and I'm fat enough as it is.

All of this bullshit making me feel bad for Nathan.  I hurt too much for sex.  I hurt too much to shower and put on clothes, and I hurt too much to do housework.  (I do most of the housework anyway, so that shouldn't bother me as much as it does.  He doesn't need a medal for vacuuming and loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash).  So he comes home to me, laying on the couch in my underwear, stinking to high heaven.  I'd like to feel good so I can actually get up and put some makeup on and give him a quality bj after a long day at work.  Poor guy.
Although he's the one I'd most like to have feel the pain I'm in.  I really don't think he gets it.  And he makes the biggest fuss over little injuries he gets.  Come on over to my world for a day, baby.  You'll wish you were dead.