Fuck

My self esteem has really hit the skids.  I can't stand the look of my body.  I can't stand the look of my face.  I don't want Nathan to touch me.  I don't want to go out, and I don't want people to see me.  I feel like the fattest thing on the planet.  I feel like a slug.  I feel guilty about everything I eat, even if it's a carrot, and I feel guilty every time I feel hungry.  I think, "you shouldn't be hungry, fatty.  You should never eat again."  My hot flashes have been terrible and every time I wake up, whether it be in the morning or afternoon, I'm soaked in sweat.
Skinner is supposed to come over sometime this weekend to look at one of Dad's violins he was interested in buying.  I don't want him to come over because I'm a blob.  I didn't even want my mom to see me tonight because of the way I look.  The person on this planet that couldn't possibly love me anymore, and I don't want her to look at me.
I have a doctors appointment on Tuesday.  I'll be taking the sheets they gave me at the fat clinic for her to fill out.  Maybe she'll hear my plea and back date some of them so I don't have to keep waiting and waiting for insurance approval.  After the 6 months of doctor supervised diet, the only thing I have left to do is the 4 fat classes.  The session for this month started last Wednesday.  I thought all day about going, but couldn't bring myself to go because I didn't want to go out in public, even if it's to benefit my weight loss!  How stupid can I get??  I'd be surrounded by people like me!  It's completely unreasonable, but I can barely describe the depth of self loathing I feel.  I wonder how much I'll weight when I go to the doctor.  Last time I was 290.  I'm probably up to 500 or something.  I hate myself.