Second Fat Class

Feeling a little more hope now.  Hope is a dangerous thing.  I cried a little during class.  Not really noticeably or anything.  It could have been from my lack of estrogen, but I felt like I wasn't alone, like, genuinely not alone.  I know there are other people out there, but something about being in the same room with them got to me.  I could tell they were all feeling the same as me.  Desperate and too afraid to actually hope.
Tonight we talked about managing lapses and eating out.  She talked about different types of people in our lives, and how they can influence our decisions when choosing what to eat, from enablers to silent saboteurs.  The silent saboteurs are the people that, without really meaning to, tell you so often what you should or shouldn't be doing/eating that you can't help but feel like a failure.
She really gave me some stuff to think about.  I have to change my whole mindset.  For instance, we were talking about falling off the wagon.  She told us a habit doesn't just take 21 days to stick, it takes over 200 days.  And that while we feel guilty for breaking down and bingeing on cookies or whatever, we should just get over it and continue on instead of giving up altogether.  People freak out about all the food they eat during the holidays or whatever, but she said, "one day will not, CANNOT ruin progress you've made with good habits.  Your body won't instantaneously pack the extra calories on as fat.  It takes your body two weeks of receiving excessive calories for it to start turning them into fat. ONE DAY WILL NOT BREAK YOU."
I didn't know that.  Me, and everyone else in the room were kind of dumbstruck, because we've all done the exact same thing.  Try to make too many changes all at once then fail one day and decide to just abandon the whole thing.
She REALLY emphasized how if we're going to start making changes, we start with one thing, and ONLY one thing.  She said if we're used to eating 3 or 4 pieces of pie after a meal, and we manage to just eat one piece, that's a huge success, and we should treat it like one.  And it's not until we've mastered that one thing that it's okay to move onto another.
That's got to be one of my biggest problems.  I have this all or nothing kind of mentality that I need to change.  The idea of making one small change is foreign to me.

I'm pretty irritated with myself for waiting so long to go to the fat classes.  Even though they're only an hour long, I'm getting more out of them than any other thing I've ever tried.
She also talked about how she will never, never, never tell us there's something we are forbidden to eat.  When she first started out as a dietician, she'd lay out for people what they could and couldn't have.  Eat vegetables.  You can't have a cookie.  Eat lean meats.  No white bread.  So on and so forth.  She said it was the biggest failure of her career.  No one was able to adhere to the instructions.  It was when she changed her method to one of acceptance instead of denial that she started to see people succeed.  You want a cookie?  Yes.  Have one.  Enjoy yourself.  But with the surgery you'll be hard pressed to finish a whole one.  Still, though, don't try to avoid it completely.

Another big thing for me is never feeling full, or acknowledging when I feel full.  She said the surgery is perfect for that.  You don't have to wait 20 minutes for your gut to tell your brain you're full.  It's instant, and you can't ignore the feeling.  I need that so much.  I can't read my hunger signals right now.  I've been trying to eat a little, then stop for 5 minutes to see if I'm still hungry, but I always still feel hungry.

I guess the bottom line is I'm bound and determined to have this done.  I think it's the right thing to do, and I don't think I'll regret it, just like the hysterectomy.

WARNING, THIS SECTION OF THE BLOG IS JUST ABOUT SINGING, SO IT MAY BORE YOU

My voice instructor Alayna asked if I wanted to come in for a couple extra lessons before the end of the semester.  I told her I'd love to, so we arranged for Monday and Tuesday.  Well I got so flustered over my math final that I completely spaced off my time with her on Monday.  I remembered right after I finished my final, when my brains started to work again.  So I went in Tuesday, looking rather sheepish.  She said, "You've got a lot of nerve showing up here today after standing me up yesterday."  I just grinned at her and said, "now you know I have no sense of dignity or shame."  She laughed.  I think she likes me.  I hope she does, because I really like her.
I haven't thought about singing this much since high school.  Only this time, I'm really enjoying it.  I stopped singing because of Dad, and now I'm singing again because of him.  I hope his energy is somewhere in the universe, listening to me progress.  And even though she's a fucking WHORE, I'm glad I sang at my cousin's wedding so Dad could hear me one last time.   I could tell he was proud too.  When I was singing I looked out at him and he smiled and did a little fist pump.  I miss him.  I miss the way he used to be, before his mind fell apart.

ANYWHO, I got off track there.  Alayna gave me the sheet music for the songs I asked her about for next semester.  She had me do kind of a brief run through of them and then said, "people are going to tell you you're good, and they're not wrong about that, but even if you are good, you can be better, and I'm going to take you there."  So she hands me these other two songs and says, "you're going to learn these before you learn the other two.  Think of them as tutor songs.  When you can sing these, you'll be ready to take on the other two, but you're going to have to work at it."
I'm excited.  I want to work at it.  And I feel exceptionally lucky to have stumbled upon her.  Certain things seem more effortless.  When I open my mouth to sing certain things, I'm kind of shocked as to what comes out.  Singing used to feel hard and labored and I'd panic about singing certain notes or vowels.  That gradually starting to go away.  Goddamnit Alayna, you're rocking my world.
I won't go on and on about it.  Usually I just talk to Tyne since she knows what I'm talking about.  Sorry for the tangent.

These are the two songs I want to sing next semester:

O Mio Babbino Caro and Song to the Moon

O Mio Babbino Caro isn't too tough and she has me working on that one already, but Song to the Moon is a beast, and she has to find someone on campus to teach me the Czech pronunciation.
So these are the other two "tutor" songs I have to learn before she'll let me sing it.  Tyne, if you're reading this, remind me to show you the new thing Alayna's having me do when I sing high notes.  It's so simple but it works like goddamn magic.

Lascia Ch'io Pianga and (I really apologize for this next link.  The singer isn't exceptional and the video is even worse, but I had a hell of a time finding someone that didn't completely suck at it or wasn't a counter tenor) Lungi Dal Caro Bene

Goddamn Italians and their goddamn love songs.  GOD.  I yearn for something in German about beer brawls or something in French about smoking cigarettes and eating sandwiches.

Oh yeah, if I actually DO get to have my own recital, I have a few other much simpler songs I want to do.  I seem to be attracted to Irish folk tunes.  I'll link them on here.  The Moonfall song I actually did at Simpson back when I wasn't going to class.  I had to sing something for a panel of professors because I was getting an incomplete.  They gave me an A.  Haha.  Suckers.

Moonfall (Cast recording)
Swing Low Sweet Chariot (Kathleen Battle, who is the shit)
The Water Is Wide (Renee Fleming, also the shit, but I don't like her version of this)
Shenandoah (I don't like this chick, but there aren't many good videos of this song)
The Salley Gardens (Some lady I don't know
Oh Danny Boy (Another lady I don't know)