Sun Spots

I was just saying something to Nathan about how I didn't take a shower today and was stinky, and he went off on me about how I have to leave the house and go out and do stuff because I'm just a shut in and I'm not active.  It made me really mad.  Yes, I tend to be a shut in because I'm so disgusted with how I look, but Dee and I go to the Y, I go out for class 3 times a week, Sara and I get lunch together, I run to the store or whatever.  Goddamnit.  And it's not like I sit around doing nothing.  I woke up at 9 this morning, vacuumed, swept, dusted and what not so the apartment didn't look like a hell hole, then I did homework from 11 until 3, then I took a little nap, got up, loaded the dishwasher and spent the rest of the night doing a painting for the high school one act.  Tomorrow I'm going to be busy with a dr. appointment at 8:45, lunch with Sara, Embalming clinical, a voice lesson, and then more homework.  And Friday I'm going to Grinnell after a haircut so I can be at the high school at 7:30 am on Saturday to help with large group speech.  Then I have family time.  I'm not a total loser, damnit.
I feel like he thinks being a shut in is making me fat, but being fat has made me a shut in, and the more healthy things I try and fail, the more I feel like being out and about does nothing for me.  Like when I was doing kick boxing.  I was enjoying that until I realized I was continuing to put on weight, and after I tore up my ankle and realized I'd gained 30 pounds, that was kind of it for me.

I can understand why he's frustrated.  I have absolutely no interest in sex, I talk down about myself constantly, I'm always grumpy about money and snap at him for the littlest things.  I guess I would call this a rough patch in our relationship, and I don't think it's going to get better until I have a definite date set for gastric bypass.  That's my one last lingering hope.  And I'm fully relying on it to make me feel good again.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, I can't handle so many bad things at once.  I could handle being poor and depressed if I were thin, but being poor and depressed and fat is just too much.

Good things happening in my life are few and far between right now.  Dee and Sara are my biggest bright spots right now.  Sara keeps me motivated for school and supports me when I'm broke, and Dee comes and works out with me, and thanks to her I have a full tank of gas, I was able to fill my prescriptions, and I was able to pay off my hysterectomy.  She also provides me with lots of puppy time.

This sounds weird, and I'm probably wrong about this, but I wish Nathan were far away right now.  Living in another city or another state.  I love him, but I don't want him being exposed to me when I'm like this.  I guess going through this rough patch will make us stronger.  At least I hope it does, because right now I feel like all of our problems are my fault.  And how can I show him love if I can't even love myself right now?