Creator/Destroyer

Had my last dr. appt before insurance submission.  When I went in I got on the scale, figuring I'd gained another 20 pounds, but I'd lost 4.  She seemed so excited about it.  I'm pretty sure I pissed it out that morning, so I told her to go to hell.  We discussed the usual, so now I'm stuck holding my breath, hoping they recognize my efforts.
My doc told me the couple of people she sees that were at my weight and had the surgery lost 50 pounds the first MONTH, then the rest of the weight came off slower.  Did I mention how violently I'm holding my breath?  I want this done before summer.
My vag is rotting out of my body, so I have a standing prescription of Diflucan now.
I hate myself so much.  SO MUCH.  Nicest thing I've heard lately?  "Yeah, you're fat.  So what?  I find you magnetic."

Lately I've been weird.  Must be the hormones and repressed desires.  I watch a lot of TV.  I won't apologize.  I've had this thing where I want everyone in my various TV shows to hook up romantically.  And I cry about it.  I think it may be a reflection of me feeling distant in my own relationship because I feel so unappealing.  It's not enough for me that Nathan doesn't care what I look like, and he loves me no matter what.  I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.  Intimacy is 500 times better when I actually feel sexy.  I want to feel sexy again so bad.  I want to feel like putting on makeup and doing my hair and putting something on other than an old t-shirt and stretchy pj pants.  Fuck this.  Fuck my life.