Energize!

I feel really pepped up today.  I'm sleepy because I didn't get to bed until 4 am, but my body feels all hyper.  I'm going to guess it's from my 2 hours of working out.  11:30 pm to 1:30 am.  Some boxing, some crunches, a little freestyle dancing, and resistance bands.
I was on a workout kick since I didn't meet my calorie goal for the day.  I ended up coming out on top, but I only burned 2800 and my goal is 2900.  Total calorie consumption was 2060, which is definitely good.  I still had a significant calorie deficit, but I like to get to 3000 calories burned.
Anyway, my workout really ramped up my calorie burn, and by 4 am I was at 800.  It's 3:30 in the afternoon and right now my total is 2231 burned with 1000 consumed.
I shall continue to rock on with my bad self.

Back On Track

So my BodyBugg had to be charged, so I couldn't wear it for a couple of days.  I went to put it on yesterday thinking it was fully charged, but apparently it only charges when my laptop is on.  It won't charge when it's asleep.
I'm pretty sure I either broke even yesterday or went over my calorie goal.  I blame my aunt.  Her sugar cookies are of the devil.  I got the munchies around 10 last night too and had a bunch of pasta salad.
I ate the rest of those goddamn cookies before work, so right now I'm at 760 calories.  Nathan and I are going to order some Chinese food later.  I always get the steamed dumplings.  Six of them are 500 calories, which isn't bad.  They're pretty filling.

My hormones are all fucked up from me not having estrogen for 2 weeks and now my hot flashes are pretty bad, I keep crying, and my titties are sore.
On Saturday night Nathan and I were hanging out and lifted up my shirt to rub my back since it's been hurting.  To my dismay he discovered my new stretch marks, all purple and thick, around my ribs, where I've developed back fat.  I don't think he thought anything of it, but I pulled my shirt down and said I didn't want him looking at me.  I always make him turn the lights out for sex, too.
Later in the night he was giving me a hug and felt I was all sweaty.  He said something like, "ew, that's gross" and for whatever reason I assumed he was talking about the way I look.  I started to cry and was like "do you think I'm hideous???"  Of course he said no, but I still feel really self conscious.
We're going to Illinois on the 11th of December so I can meet his parents.  I don't want to meet them while I'm so fat.  I don't want them to think, "oh gross, our son could do so much better than her."

I had a bit of a reality check when I was uploading my BodyBugg data.  It gives you little alerts telling you how long you've been using it.  I feel like I've been using it forever, and I should be at least 20 pounds lighter, but I've only been using it for 2 weeks, which is about 2-3 pounds lost.  I felt better and worse at the same time.  Better, because I'm not really failing, it just hasn't been that long yet, and worse because it seems like I've been working at this forever.  If 2 weeks feels like 2 months, then how am I going to cope with 6 months?  Or even a year?  Feeling a change in my body would give me so much more motivation, but I don't feel or see any changes.  All I see are new stretch marks, which is incredibly discouraging.
I think the answer is I need to fucking lighten up.  Mentally, not physically.  I freak out about this so much, and it only ends up making it harder.  :(

Holiday Blues

Jesus Christ, why can't holiday food come with a calorie count?
I have no idea what I ate on Thursday and I could really only estimate Friday.
Friday was just a big fat bust anyway.  My back spasmed all fucking night so I didn't sleep.  I ended up in the recliner around 7 am with an ice pack.  I took 8 ibuprofen and finally fell asleep.  Of course I had a hell of a gut ache later from all the pain killers I took.
I wore the BodyBugg all day and didn't even reach my calorie burn goal.  I fell about 400 calories short since I couldn't do anything.  The day before was great though, I was running around all day and burned 3600.
The BodyBugg battery is dying so I don't have it on right now.  I really want some horrible junk food, like McDonald's.  I can get some nuggets and fries and I'll be at 1760 calories consumed for the day.  I had some granola bars and rice crispie treats my mom made.  Those are surprisingly low in calories, FYI.
I'm assuming I want trash food since I'm miserable at work right now.  My back fucking hurts and I can't bend my head down or i get this horrible pain under my shoulder blade.  I'm goddamn tired and want to go home.
I'd opt for something better, like Subway, but I forgot to take my toothbrush home with me and haven't brushed my teeth in a couple days.  I've flossed and tried scrubbing them with my sleeve, but it's just not the same.
I'm taking a nap when I get home, but I should use my resistance bands when I wake up.  Get myself a nice leg workout. Since I've been out an about today I can only assume I'll hit my 3100 calorie burn average.
Whatever.

So Far So Good

I'm really loving this BodyBugg.
I usually don't keep very good track of calories on the weekend, but I had the fatty bug on, so I wanted to keep track and did really well.
Yesterday I did cheat.  I went to Hy-Vee to get some groceries and there was this huge Thanksgiving cookie.  A bit sugar cookie the size of my hand piled high with frosting so it looked like a turkey.  My god.  I took one bite of that thing and I was gone.  Sugar orgasm.  I ate the whole thing.  I have no idea how many calories it had, but it was fucking delicious.
I estimated it had 1000 so I tried to keep my calories low for the rest of the day.  My adventures in carting around stray dogs left me with a total calorie burn of 3600 for the day, so I was a bit more comfortable with my enormous cookie.  Jesus Christ that thing was good.
I had an egg salad sandwich too, calories unknown, but I didn't eat the whole thing, so good on me.

I don't have the bug on today since it's not really feasible with the shirt that I'm wearing, but I average 3050 to 3100, so I'll be sure to keep close eye on my calories.

Meanwhile I'll go to sleep tonight dreaming of that cookie.

Things I Want

I want to look cute in clothes.
I want all my old cute clothes that are too small to fit again!
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel good.
I want my collar bones back.
I want my bras to stop cutting into me because my back rolls are so big.
I want to be able to stretch properly without my belly rolls getting in the way.
I want my thighs to rub together less.
I want to be able to accept myself.
I want to feel sexy so I'm not insecure being naked in front of my lover.
I want to stop thinking to myself, "Nathan deserves someone a lot better looking than me."
I want to enjoy a movie without feeling the arm rests of the seats burrowing into my hips.
I want my friends to be proud of me.
I want to be an example and an inspiration.
I want to be curvy as opposed to just fat.
I want to see this through to the end.

Good Vibrations

I am feeling really good right now.  I followed Squirt and Dee's advice and wore the BodyBugg to bed last night. I have burned 1900 calories so far.  I was only looking at the "trip" setting yesterday, and had reset it, so I thought I was only burning a few hundred since I started keeping track at 1pm.  When I checked the "calorie" setting, which shows what you've burned from midnight to midnight, I had burned over 3000.  That is over my goal of 2900 a day, so things are coming up Milhouse!

Also, wrapping my punching bag in foam did in fact help with deadening the sound, so I'm looking forward to attacking it tonight.

I can't wait for my resistance bands to get here.  I haven't given my legs a good workout in awhile, other than walking and kicking.

I hope I can keep up this enthusiasm.  I've been excited about stuff before, diet pills, cutting carbs, not eating after 5pm, Farrell's, keeping a binge diary...... yadda yadda yadda.
This feels different.  This is a down and dirty visual of what's going in and out of my body, calorie wise.  How much energy am I expending, how much energy am I taking in?  No more guess work.  It's right in my face.
I always just sort of estimated in my head before, or thought, hey, if I'm hungry, it's okay if I eat a big steak and a plate of fries and a bag of M&M's.  Articles say to only eat when you're hungry, so all this food is fine.
Not anymore.

I thanked everyone in yesterday's post, but I want to thank you all again.  You're all supportive in different ways, and even though my weight isn't anyone's issue but my own, you've all rallied around me and helped me take steps to change my body and change my lifestyle.  Whether you've helped me pay for fitness stuff like the BodyBugg, or you just understand what it's like to fight and struggle with your body and body image, I really appreciate it, and I think you're all just tops!

Calculations

I have managed some simple math here.  I have been wearing the BodyBugg for 7 hours, and I've burned 913 calories.  If I'm up for 7 more hours, which I will be, I"ll have burned 1826 calories, without having done any extra activity for the day.  If I go for a walk, that should burn... 200 or 300 more.  I don't know where the BodyBugg website is getting its ca-raaazy information from, but there's no way I can burn 2900 calories in a day if I have to be at work, and I DEFINITELY shouldn't be eating 2300.
Now, I may be off some, since, again, I didn't put it on until 1pm.  So, we'll say, without walking, I will have burned..... maybe 21-2200???  Does that seem reasonable?  With walking, maybe 24-2500?  I guess that puts me close to my 2900 calorie goal.  I'll have to run up the stairs a few more times before I leave this pee pee soaked heck hole.  I'm pretty sad I won't get the little beep that says "you've reached your goal!"
I think I'll run by Wal-Mart too and pick up a mattress pad for my punching bag.  I want to wail on that thing.  Why do the gays have to be so finicky when it comes to noise.  God.