Not In The Mood

I'm not in the mood to blog right now, but I haven't in awhile, so here's a quickie.

I have sore spots under my bottom gut roll and under my tits that I can't tell are just irritations from thin skin or something else.  I've made myself a mixture of tea tree oil, castor oil, and glycerine and I put it on everyday.  It's really helped the belly, but my tits are still kind of gross.  I've been using that treatment as a general everyday application to all of my sweaty spots and I have yet to get another yeast infection and my rancid, obese sweat smell is almost non existent.

My body hurts.  I only have embalming clinical once a week, but I feel like it totally wrecks me.  I've always had problems being on my feet for long periods of time, even when I was a normal weight.  My feet are shitty and my back is shitty.   When I was young I had horrible foot pain, and a specialist told me I had Sever's disease, which is inflammation of the growth plate in the heel or something.  It goes away when you're older, but I've had to have shots in my feet before as well for bursitis, and that was when I weighed 130.
 Now that I have my own gravitational pull, it's excruciating.  I LOVE embalming class, but I dread it at the same time because I know my body is going to hurt like a bitch.  Last week I wore these heavy duty arch supports I got from Birkenstocks.  They really hurt my feet after an hour or so and since then I haven't had any feeling in the bottom of my left foot.  It's not turning blue or anything, but I think I hurt a nerve or something.  I tried another pair of insoles from Pedag and they rubbed a huge line of blisters along the inside of my arch.  Now I've got just some good old Dr. Scholl's comfort gel.  My feet felt pretty good at the grocery store and running other errands, but when I'm standing for 3-6 hours, it won't matter.  I see my doctor for my last bariatric checkup before insurance send off at the end of February, but I don't think I can wait that long.  I may just call her and ask for a referral to a podiatrist.  I probably need some prescription fat shoes or something.
My back I'll just have to put up with.  It will get better when I lose weight, but it will always be shitty since my discs are degenerating from trauma, which, again, started before I was ultra fat.  

I don't think I'm going to get my surgery when I want it.  I was really pushing for spring break, which is also my b-day.  I'm afraid I may have to wait until summer.  I don't know.  At my January appointment I had gained another 10 pounds.  I told my doc I'm just always so hungry, and I try not to eat, but then I get ravenous.  She told me to have a protein shake or bar every 3 hours.  So I've been doing that and so far it's working okay.  It keeps me satisfied enough that I don't crave horrible food.  I've been having a small piece of meat with steamed broccoli and cottage cheese for supper.  Tonight it was fish with cottage cheese and green beans.  I keep Skinny Cow ice cream in the freezer for my junk food cravings.  I've been doing well with that and I can usually just have one and feel fine.  Of course I have to go for the protein if I don't feel satisfied.  I think when I finally get this surgery and start losing weight, my muscles are going to be bulging.  I'm pretty muscular anyway, but with all this protein and having to carry around so much weight and doing water aerobics, I may end up looking like the Hulk.  Whatever.  It's better than being a noodle armed wuss.  (I'm looking at you Sara).

FML

So the tea tree stuff for my vag worked wonders.  I love that shit.  I'm never buying Monistat again.
I went to the Doc today and I've gained another 10 pounds.  I told her sometimes I try not to eat, but then I get ravenous and eat a lot.  So she told me to drink a protein shake every three hours to keep the hungries at bay.  So far so good.  If insurance doesn't approve this soon I'll die.  I'll just die.

Another Product Placement

I've been having serious swamp crotch issues lately.  The smell is enough to knock you out, and nothing really seems to be keeping it under control, until now.  I've been using tea tree a lot recently because it works so damn well.
So I ordered these tea tree suppositories from Amazon.  After the first night, that rotten smell was gone, and I felt fresher than I have in a long time.  Because it's tea tree, it smells a bit like ben gay and tingles a bit or feels cold when you first put it in, but my GOD it's worth it!  I think these will be my go to thing, along with my own tea tree mixture that I put in various sweaty crevices.  It keeps the sweat small down and kills all yeast and bacteria from those areas that sag where they shouldn't.

* Big Relieved Sigh *

Since I've had nothing but shitty news to report lately, I thought I'd update that I got my unemployment sorted out mostly.  All the forms I'd sent in with my class schedule got lost in the government Bermuda triangle.  They had no record of me being enrolled full time for the spring.  So now I get my payments again, along with back payments.  The only problem is their records show I got paid on the 14th, as well as the 4th.  My bank account only has one deposit from them on the 4th.  No money came in on the 14th.  I'll probably have to go back in and let them know cuz I needs mah wellfare monies.
Also, I had lost a Netflix DVD, so I reported it to them and they charged me 15 bucks for it.  On my way home from the workforce office, I saw it sitting up on my sun visor in my car, so I stuck it in the mail and called to let them know, so I get a refund for that.  NEAT.  

It would be THRILLING if the cosmos give me some more good news, but I'm not going to push it.

Here's a great big TMI section, since I can't ever end on a good note.  I think my vag is rotting out of my body.  The smell it's generating is OFFENSIVE.  It itches and burns, and I'm not sure if it's yeast or bacterial.  I've been having horrible night sweats lately, so I've started rubbing a diluted mixture of tea tree oil between where my thighs meet my crotch.  I had a huge raw red spot in that area that I assumed was some kind of skin infection, and since I've been using the tea tree oil, that rawness is almost gone.  Since tea tree oil is so fucking badass, I ordered some vaginal tea tree suppositories.  Tea tree oil is a strong antibacterial, antifungal, antiviral, and it's done the trick for me so far.  I'll have to talk to by doctor about it still, and I have an appointment on the 30th for a bariatric update, so that's coming up soon.
A big thank you to Dee and Sara for pulling me through this month, and a big thank you to Tyne, who kept on my ass to get me to go to the unemployment office, even though I was terrified.  Thank you to Leah for stopping over to hang yesterday, and thank you my mom and my little sister for loving the shit out of me.  I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Sun Spots

I was just saying something to Nathan about how I didn't take a shower today and was stinky, and he went off on me about how I have to leave the house and go out and do stuff because I'm just a shut in and I'm not active.  It made me really mad.  Yes, I tend to be a shut in because I'm so disgusted with how I look, but Dee and I go to the Y, I go out for class 3 times a week, Sara and I get lunch together, I run to the store or whatever.  Goddamnit.  And it's not like I sit around doing nothing.  I woke up at 9 this morning, vacuumed, swept, dusted and what not so the apartment didn't look like a hell hole, then I did homework from 11 until 3, then I took a little nap, got up, loaded the dishwasher and spent the rest of the night doing a painting for the high school one act.  Tomorrow I'm going to be busy with a dr. appointment at 8:45, lunch with Sara, Embalming clinical, a voice lesson, and then more homework.  And Friday I'm going to Grinnell after a haircut so I can be at the high school at 7:30 am on Saturday to help with large group speech.  Then I have family time.  I'm not a total loser, damnit.
I feel like he thinks being a shut in is making me fat, but being fat has made me a shut in, and the more healthy things I try and fail, the more I feel like being out and about does nothing for me.  Like when I was doing kick boxing.  I was enjoying that until I realized I was continuing to put on weight, and after I tore up my ankle and realized I'd gained 30 pounds, that was kind of it for me.

I can understand why he's frustrated.  I have absolutely no interest in sex, I talk down about myself constantly, I'm always grumpy about money and snap at him for the littlest things.  I guess I would call this a rough patch in our relationship, and I don't think it's going to get better until I have a definite date set for gastric bypass.  That's my one last lingering hope.  And I'm fully relying on it to make me feel good again.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, I can't handle so many bad things at once.  I could handle being poor and depressed if I were thin, but being poor and depressed and fat is just too much.

Good things happening in my life are few and far between right now.  Dee and Sara are my biggest bright spots right now.  Sara keeps me motivated for school and supports me when I'm broke, and Dee comes and works out with me, and thanks to her I have a full tank of gas, I was able to fill my prescriptions, and I was able to pay off my hysterectomy.  She also provides me with lots of puppy time.

This sounds weird, and I'm probably wrong about this, but I wish Nathan were far away right now.  Living in another city or another state.  I love him, but I don't want him being exposed to me when I'm like this.  I guess going through this rough patch will make us stronger.  At least I hope it does, because right now I feel like all of our problems are my fault.  And how can I show him love if I can't even love myself right now?

Watch the World Die

Let's just see what else can go wrong in my life.  GO AHEAD COSMOS, TAKE ANOTHER HUGE DUMP ON ME.  WHY DON'T YOU AIM FOR MY MOUTH THIS TIME!!!
I'm fatter than ever, but I have my final two bariatric check ups with my doctor soon.  I can't live like this much longer.
And of course, money.  Money, money, money.  Dee and Dave were incredibly generous and gave me enough money to pay off my hysterectomy as a thank you for letting the dogs out while they're working.   I was stoked to have that bill gone, but I got a letter from unemployment saying I was cut off and didn't qualify for benefits until I was making a certain amount of money from a company that pays into unemployment.  BULL FUCKING SHIT.  I went to their stupid orientation thing and WROTE THIS DOWN SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE IT SOUNDED IMPORTANT.  You have your initial 26 weeks of unemployment, then you get your first extension.  I didn't have to do job contacts for that extension since I was in school.  So for the beginning of the year I re-filed and sent in my DAT form along with my class schedule.  I got a thing saying I qualified, then I got another thing saying tough shit, I don't qualify because I'm not working at least part time.  IN THE ORIENTATION, THEY SAID THAT REQUIREMENT OF THE THIRD EXTENSION WAS WAIVED FOR STUDENTS.  Hello, fucking student here!  They said I have 10 days to appeal, so I wrote them a letter stating what I was told in orientation and included ANOTHER form with my schedule.  Mom wants me to call them, but I'm too full of rage.  Needless to say, I didn't get the money I was expecting on Friday and all the bills that usually clear on that day went through and overdrew my account by 150 bucks.  I deposited Dee's check to get myself out of the negative and now can't pay off my hysterectomy or anything else until I get unemployment sorted out.  My credit cards are all on the verge of being maxed out, and my car is running on fumes.
I like to think of myself as strong, but really I'm a big fucking wuss.  Dee handles a stressful job, works hard at a successful marriage and has a ton of hobbies that keep her busy.  Sara manages a full time job and a full time class load.  My little sister works full time and does acting jobs on the side.  My older sister works full time, is the executor of Dad's will, and is getting her second masters degree.  I can only seem to handle one thing at a time, and just a little bit of stress makes me feel like I'm going to go off the deep end.  Maybe it's because I'm bipolar.  Maybe it's because I've got shitty things I'm trying to handle and just don't acknowledge that they are stressful and difficult.  I don't know.  But the idea of trying to handle a job while going to school full time and fighting my way through bariatric requirements and fucking awful body issues makes me feel overwhelmed and crazy.  JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING UNEMPLOYMENT EXTENSION YOU FUCK WADS.  JESUS TITTY FUCKING CHRIST.   My stomach has been in knots and I've felt completely wiped out, and I know it's just from worrying.  I went to a movie with Nathan and Leah, and Nathan had to keep nudging me because I was falling asleep during the movie.  That's never happened before.
I was feeling good too.  I was excited about the stuff we get to do for embalming clinical.  I get to see a full autopsy as well as a tissue/organ donation.  I think I'm going to be really good at this.  But when we were getting our supplies, which included scrubs, my heart sank when I realized the sizes only went up to 3x.  I'm a 4x.  The shirts will work, although their a little tight, but I couldn't even get the pants over my hips.  So I used the little bit of money left on my Amazon card to buy my own set of scrub pants.  What do I do if they're not delivered by Thursday?  Sorry professor, I can't participate because I'm too fat for the supplied scrubs.  I just want to die.  (Please note I'm not suicidal, I'm just frustrated and am not coping well).

Whew

I got a call from the bariatric center today.  I guess the requirements under my new insurance company are the same as the old.  I need two more doctors appointments, so I've got January and February scheduled, then they'll send it in for insurance.  My goal is to have the surgery on my b-day, which is the first day of spring break for DMACC.  If insurance denies it....  it's hard to explain the level of terror that will be unleashed upon the world.  A violent bloodbath will ensue.