Under the Influecne

This post may be incoherent.   I'm under the influence.
I have been extremely, EXTREMELY depressed lately.
This is going to make some of you that know me well uncomfortable.  I want to cut myself.  I want to cut myself hard.  I don't want to do it because the death of my father was a year ago is still fresh in my mind and in the mind of my family.  I want to do it because i can't feel anything.  NOTHING.  Nothing is getting past this rhino skin.  I can't cut myself, and I can't kill myself, because I've been with my family throughout my dad's death, and it's been so fucking hard.  I'm medicated enough right now to know that suicide would be completely selfish.  There was a time I couldn't see that.  That was back in college.  I'm resorting to a kind of isolation suicide.  I keep myself away from everyone so it's like I don't exist.  I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day and she was trying to figure out if my problem was mental or physical.  I told her it's a struggle between both.  Embalming hurts because I'm on my feet so long, but I psych myself up and ready myself for the pain, which can be even worse.  But at the same time I'm going over and over in my head, "will I fit in the embalming room?  I'm the fattest person in the world, do they have room for me?  Are they thinking about embalming me right now????
In the past I would just hack at myself, but that seems like so much trouble.  If I knew no one would see it, it would not be a big deal, but everyone will see it.  And I don't relally want to die, I jsut want to be well.  I want to get that call from Mercy that says, "YOU'VE BEEN APPROVED, JUST SET A DATE."
Until then, I wake up early, see no reason to be awake, and force myself back to sleep where I have crippling nightmares that I can't even describe.  They're horrible enough to jerk me out of sleep, crying.   I don't want to feel, so I put all of my effort into going back to sleep.  I need help, but I din't know who to turn to.  I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I'm nothing.
Right now I'm on 4 xanax, 4 ambian, and two big glasses of whiskey and some powdered kratom.  I feel properly out of my head, which is what I wanted so badly.
My family and friends are going to be worried.  Hell, I'M WORRED.  I can't stop the stream of tears from falling down my face.  I can't bring myself to get up out of bed.  I desperately try to go back to sleep, so I can't feel anything.  And I don't see any point to my life.

I did manage to take a shower today, but what good did it do?  Now I need to use deoderant uner all of my dam rolls and folds, and that makes me fucking sick.

SOMEONE SAVE ME.  PLEASE.  I'M LIVING IN PURGATORY RIGHT NOW.  I'M NOT ALIVE, I'M NOT DEAD, BUT THERE'S AN INSURANCE COMPANY STANDING IN MY WAY WITH THE ABILITY TO CHANGE. MY.  MOTHER.  FUCKING.  LIFE.  HELP ME.
HELP ME.  HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEE!!!!  KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

A Relevant Tune