Long Overdue

I've lost 113 pounds.  I still can't believe I can see my collar bones.

I can't seem to get this costochondritis under control.  My ribs will feel alright for a couple of days. and then WHAM.  I get that crippling, chest clenching pain that knocks the wind out of me.  I've gotten to a point where I actually considered suicide because the pain was so bad.  Don't worry, I don't have a plan or anything.  I've just thought about it.  When it flares up, it's like there's a vice on my esophagus.  I can't breathe, I can't swallow, and it feels like someone has a death grip on my heart.  I break out in a cold sweat and just try to stay perfectly still while I pull my hair.

The anxiety from the pain is just as agonizing as the pain itself.  I've reverted back to my old ways of shutting myself in the apartment with no light, just sleeping.  I'm scared to move.  I keep running out of my xanax too early because I can't get this fear under control.  I know I need to get in to see my psychiatrist, but leaving the apartment is too much to handle.  I only leave for work.  I got a new, infinitely less stressful job working at the Wells Fargo mail room.  It's a few blocks from me and I work 8:30 pm to 12:30 am.  It's not bad.  It's very routine and I can just shut my brain off.  I had to quit Younkers.  The physical and emotional stress was making my life a living hell.  The idea was for me to work both jobs so I could pay some bills, but that didn't pan out.  I'm content with the mail room job for now.  I just wish I'd handled Younkers differently.  I called in legitimately sick with pain for 3 days.  After that I spoke with my supervisor and she said they couldn't work with my new work schedule and I'd need to resign, so I just stopped showing up.  No goodbyes, no nothing.  I really fucked over the girls that work at the counter, but if I think of all the times I got fucked over by coming back to work 5 weeks early and constantly being hounded by my mountain troll supervisor, I don't feel as bad.

I'm worried that some of this fear and anxiety is from not taking my psych meds on a regular basis.  I can't swallow the pills whole, so I crush them, and they taste just awful.  I think I can avoid it for a couple of days, but I really can't.  My mental health hangs in a delicate balance, and changing or adding something new always throws me into turmoil.  So add in body changes and debilitating pain  to the mix and I need to be more diligent than ever about taking my pills regularly.

I'm sticking with my doctor in Newton.  She's the only one that understands.  She says I have at least 10 more weeks of pain killers and muscle relaxers before we can consider weaning off.  I need to call the bariatric center too.  They're worried about me and keep calling, but the idea of going out in public is too much.  I need to suck it up though.  They're there to take care of me.

Venting Time!

I haven't posted forever, but I feel goddamn inspired right now.

So I had my gastric bypass on March 4th.  Best decision I've ever made.  I've lost 78 pounds since the surgery.  I'm fatigued a bit and get worn out easily, but whatever.
I fit in chairs again.  I can stand longer.  My back doesn't hurt as much.  I barely spend any money on food.  Usually I just pick a couple things off of Nathan's plate and that does the trick.
My hot flashes haven't gotten any better, but I just got some new estrogen cream and that seems to be helping.

Here's where I have to start bitching.
I was supposed to take 6 weeks off work, but according to the HR department at work, I could only miss 1 week and keep my job.  I opted to keep my job and went back to work early.  It's not construction work or anything, but it's a physically demanding job.  About 5 weeks after being back at work, I started getting weird pain under my left boob and in my upper left chest.  I ignored it, but it kept getting worse.  One morning I couldn't do anything but cry because it hurt so much, so I had Nathan take me to the ER.  I was scared I was having a heart attack or had a blood clot in my lung.  At this point the pain was completely random, so when I got the the ER, I felt fine.  They did an EKG, took an x-ray and did blood work.  Everything was fine.
I was kind of amused because my ER doctor is the wife of the guy that did my bypass.  Small world.

After life threatening complications were ruled out, I followed up with my regular doc in Des Moines.  He said my ribs were sprained and gave me some muscle relaxers.  I had a follow up with my surgeon as well.  He ordered a CAT scan to check for leaks, but all was well.
Things kind of felt like they were getting better, but then I fell down the stairs at my apartment.  I caught myself with my left arm and twisted my bad ankle.  The pain in my ribs became UNBEARABLE at that point.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't keep solid food down.  I just sat on the couch and rocked back and forth.  Sometimes I could use ice, sometimes not.  My ribs were just too tender to have anything touch them.
One night I was in absolute agony.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lay down, I could barely talk.  I woke Nathan up and we went to the ER again.  This time I was sobbing and writhing from pain.  They couldn't get a good EKG reading because I was trembling so much, but they did blood work and took me in for another CAT scan.  Again, everything was fine.  They didn't help my pain one bit, though.  They gave me some aspirin through my IV.  Ooooh, look out.  They're not messing around!  ASPIRIN!!!
As soon as I was discharged I got in the car and doubled over, crying still.  Luckily they gave me some liquid hydrocodone, so that took the edge off.  It didn't last long.
I went to my Des Moines doctor again for a followup.  I wanted to go to my Newton doctor, but I would have had to wait a month to see her.
This time he gave me stronger muscle relaxers and sent me to physical therapy.

I was happy about physical therapy until they started pressing on me.  I could instantly tell that the therapist had never known a day of pain in his life.  He essentially jammed his thumbs into my sternum and into the muscles between my ribs.  The pain was unbearable.  When I got home, I collapsed on the kitchen floor and dry heaved for a good 10 minutes.  I made it to the couch and just curled up in the fetal position.
I went back a couple of days later and the guy asked how I was.  I told him what happened and he was like, "the therapy should have helped."  I was like, "sorry to poop on your parade, but it made it worse."  He had another therapist work on my spine instead.  It still was horribly painful.
I went for 3 weeks and then called them and told them I couldn't do it anymore.  I could literally feel the left side of my chest swell up after they were done "massaging" me.

After my last PT appointment, I went straight to my regular Des Moines doctor, doubled over and in tears.  I told him what was going on between sobs so he gave me some more hydrocodone and a referral to a pain specialist.
I followed the directions to the specialist only to find out they scheduled it at another location and didn't tell me, so we had to reschedule.  I was out of pain medicine so I had to white knuckle it until the appointment.
The doctor was a total ASS.  He asked me 100 times who my family doc was, he answered his cell phone in the middle of my appointment, he repeatedly told me I'm on too many psych meds, and since I was crying from the pain, he shoved a paper towel at me and said, "I can't stand to see a woman cry."  
He wrote a script for pool therapy and scheduled me for intercostal nerve blocks to help with the pain.  I had to wait a week for that, so that was more white knuckling.  He also remarked I may be too fat for the procedure.  THAT was frustrating.  I'M LOSING WEIGHT AS FAST AS I FUCKING CAN!!  I refuse to believe I'm too fat for a nerve block.  This is America for fuck's sake.  Everyone is fat.

Yesterday.  Yesterday was the appointment and one of the worst days of my life.  I was terrified of having a needle inserted into my spine since I'm so tender, so I was VERY nervous.  They asked if I wanted sedation so of course I said yes.  They said they gave me something, but I didn't feel anything.  My blood pressure was skyrocketing so they gave me something for that and then gave me a little more sedative.  I still didn't feel anything and was trembling from fear.
The doctor came in and asked if I had blood pressure issues.  I told him no, and I have it checked all the fucking time.  He didn't believe me and called off the procedure.  He told me to see my family doctor to get my blood pressure sorted out.  I tried to explain how nervous I was, but he kept insisting I had a blood pressure problem.  They were also using the blood pressure machine instead of doing it manually.  That probably contributed to the high blood pressure.  Those things squeeze WAY too tight.  I got home and noticed big, blue welts and broken blood vessels all over my upper arms.
Since  I was so full of vitriol for my Des Moines doctor for the shitty referral, the physical therapist for hurting me so much, the pain specialist for being a FUCKING ASSHOLE, and everyone else, I called Newton to try and get in to see Laurie.  OF COURSE, she's out of town for the week.  I took my chances and went to see the on call doctor there.  He wasn't horrible.  He said I was a complicated case.  FUCKING DUH.  He took my blood pressure and it was totally normal.  He said he'd fax the pain douche those results.  He also put me on Neurontin, which I'm not pleased about.  It's for nerve pain, but I took it in high school/college for mood stuff.  It made me gain 500 pounds and I didn't lose it until I switched meds.  I'm taking the medicine, but I'm making an appointment with Laurie.  She's the only one I trust, aside from my chiropractor.  I want her opinion on the Neurontin.  I want to know if she thinks I should have an MRI.  I want a referral for a different pain doctor.  I want her to see my bypass progress.  I want her to tell me what the problem might be since the answers I've gotten from everyone are the same... "I don't know."  I just need her compassion since I'm getting jack shit from everyone else.
It's like the journey to my hysterectomy all over again.  This time I don't have the patience to wait 14 years for a solution.  This shit is going to happen NOW or the streets will run red with blood.  This has been going on for about 3 months now and I've had it.  I'M DONE.

For anyone out there that's looking for a pain doctor, avoid this ass hat.
Dana Simon

Orthopedist

Since I've been complaining to my new doctor here in Des Moines about my back so much, he sent me to an orthopedist.  I thought I'd be getting an MRI to check on my bulging discs, and I thought I'd be getting some more help with pain, at least until up to my surgery.  I thought he'd offer me different pain medication or an epidural or steroids or something.
Instead, it was the most useless fucking appointment ever.  I'm pretty pissed off about it.  I've been to a lot of doctors and most of them have been shitty, so I don't know why I thought this would be any different.
I gave an extremely detailed account of my back trouble to the nurse and watched her type it all up as I talked, so I know that fucker had all of the information.
I had two x-rays taken.  One from the front and one from the side.
The doctor came in, wearing a big gold chain around his neck and sat down.  I instantly knew he was a piece of shit.  He asked what I was taking so I told him I was on Diclophenac, Flexeril, Lortab, and a glucosamine supplement.  I also told him I was having gastric bypass on March 4th.
He got up once and tested my reflexes then sat back down.

This next part is why I REALLY need to take someone with me to my doctor's appointments.  For as mouthy and opinionated as I am, I freeze up in the doctor's office and never plead my case like I should.

He said the x-rays show clear disc deterioration, but there was no reason to take an MRI.

*I thought, but didn't say, my x-rays in 2006 showed the same thing, but the bulging only showed up on an MRI, so why shouldn't he do another one?*

He said he doesn't recommend surgery.  Fine.  I don't want back surgery.  Some of my uncles have had their vertebrae fused and they're miserable.

He said taking Lortab was a big mistake and had no therapeutic value and would only make me constipated.  He then said he has severely degenerated discs and he doesn't use pain medication.  He just deals with it and so should I.

*I thought, how the hell am I supposed to function?  I've missed at LEAST a week's worth of work and several days of classes because I can't even get out of bed the pain is so bad.  And I have diarrhea all the time, jackass.  But again, I didn't say anything.*

He said I need intensive physical therapy because my muscles are weak.

*I DID say I had done physical therapy before, but they told me they couldn't help me after 3 appointments because it hurt too much for them to touch me.*

I'm fine doing physical therapy again.  It struck me as odd that the last office I went to sent me away. I've been in physical therapy several times before, and it's never comfortable.  They always stretch the crap out of me because my muscles are so tight, but the last office that said they couldn't help never had me do stretches.

So I'm out of pain killers again, and now have to call my regular doctor to see if I can get a refill for a month and ask him to stop referring me to dick holes.

I have a sneaking suspicion this guy didn't take me seriously because of how fat I am.  He never mentioned my weight, but my snap judgements have a good track record.

I would like to add one more thing.  I haven't had a doctor's appointment this ridiculous since I was trying to find help with my uterus.  It took 14 years for someone to take me seriously.  I was laughed at, told I was exaggerating, told there was nothing wrong, and TOLD TO JUST GET PREGNANT.

*I did say something to the pregnancy guy, but my mom was with me so I was more confident.  I told him to jump on and do it himself because I was not in the market of OTC sperm and a shitty baby I didn't want.*

Anyway, that's that.  I'll call the physical therapist and keep going to my chiropractor and keep hoping that losing weight is going to make this infinitely better.  (Even though I had severe issues before I got super obese).

I ALMOST FORGOT!
http://www.dsmcapitalortho.com/physicians/
William Boulden.  Fuck face extraordinaire.

Excitement Poop!

I'm getting so pumped for this procedure that I'm giving myself anxiety diarrhea.  I put away several fat clothes today and looked at the clothes in my closet that I was wearing before my hysterectomy.  I kept most of them because I knew I'd get back to normal someday.  I just didn't think it would take this long.
I'm trying to change my relationship with food.  If I want to eat a huge piece of cake or other junk, I remember how awful I feel when I've packed it all in, and then I don't want it.  It's like nothing really tastes good anymore.  I'm on this kick where I want to get in all the crap food I won't be able to eat anymore before my liquid diet, but it's hard to make those foods seem appealing right now.  Hopefully this is a good thing.
I'm so stoked about being able to work out again.  I'm going to have to start wicked slow, but I build muscle pretty quickly, (thanks Dad), so it's typically not that tedious.  I need to go to bed.  I have to get up early for an orthopedist appointment, but I'm excited.  March 4th can't get here soon enough!!!

I'm On The Books!

Valentines day at 10 am I go in for an upper GI scope and a biopsy to check for infection. I'll be drugged but not knocked out, so Mom is going to take me to the appointment since I won't be allowed to drive. 

Feb 19th I have a 2 hour diet/exercise class at 8:15 am. After the class is over, I'm officially on a liquid diet until the day of surgery to shrink my liver. 

Feb 21st is my second diet/exercise class at 8:15 am.

After Feb 25 I have to have a pre-op physical with my primary care physician. 

March 4th is the surgery. I don't know the time yet. Mom will be taking that day off of work to take me in.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

I haven't updated this in months, and I'm only here now for one reason,

I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR GASTRIC BYPASS!!!!

Problems, Problems, Problems

So I finally got some pain killers for my back, which has GREATLY improved my ability to function at work.  Now my feet are an issue.  I've got large blisters on my little toes, my arches, and my heels, and now the second toes on both of my feet have developed these weird numb spots.  They aren't callused, they're just numb.  I actually just stuck a needle into one of them because I thought maybe there was a really deep blister, like on my arches, but the needle just kept going in and I didn't feel anything and no liquid came out.  I'm not sure how to fix this.  I ordered some diabetic shoes that have a stretchy toe box, so hopefully those will help.  I also bought some moleskin and blister protector things.  I guess we'll see.

Here's a picture of one of my blisters!  It's huge!

Long Time No See

I haven't updated forever, which sucks because quite a bit has been going on.  I'll try to keep this short.

I'm going through gastric bypass approval stuff for my new insurance company.  I just had an EKG, which was normal, but now I need a chest x-ray, drug test, thyroid test, and another meeting with a surgeon and a month supervised dieting with a nutritionist.  Can I get this done by winter break?  I'm not holding my breath.

I got a new job at Younkers working the Lancome counter.  My first day was Wednesday.  It was actually kind of fun, but my back was KILLING me.  Toward the end of my shift I had to sit down, so I went over to one of the makeover chairs.  As soon as I sat my right hip and lower back went into spasm.  I thought I was going to collapse, but I just clenched the shit out of my teeth.  There was a customer I should have helped, but I couldn't move and couldn't talk, so I pretended I didn't see her.

I went to my family doctor and talked to her about my back again.  I'm already on an anti-inflammatory/analgesic, but it's not cutting the mustard.  I asked for something for the pain, but she just told me to stretch and gave me a referral for physical therapy.  I'm going to take advantage of the physical therapy, but I had to go to another doctor to get pain killers.  I'm not sure why she won't give any to me, but I can't function like this.  Thank goodness I got something from the other doctor. I go back in a month, and if I'm still having issues he'll refer me to a back surgeon to get an MRI and possibly an epidural.  I've already had to miss school activities because of the pain.  I don't want to miss work, especially when I just started.

My back has done this since I was in middle school.  I was dragged by a horse when I was 6, and since then I've been fucked up.  This has kind of been a pattern.  My back does alright, then something aggravates it.  I get pain killers, anti-inflammatories, and do physical therapy, then it gets better.  I already know 3 of my discs are degenerating and bulging.  I go to the chiropractor once a week, but since I'm SO GODDAMN FAT, I'm fighting a losing battle.  This isn't going to get better until I lose weight.

My hot flashes have been HORRIBLE lately.  When I was sitting in the doctor's office, I swear it was 80 degrees.  I had to wait for quite awhile and by the time my appointment was over, I had sweated through my jeans and through the paper on the table.  How embarrassing.

Short Update

Indiegogo is winding down.  Final contribution date is Oct. 1st.  Please, even if it's just 5 bucks, help me.
I'd LOVE to get to 10 grand, but I'd be thrilled with 8 grand.  I'm obviously not going to reach my original goal.  I probably should have set it lower.

THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT DONATED!!!  Your support has meant the world to me.

On a completely separate note, I dyed my hair dark.

Blood Work

Just got some blood work back.  My cholesterol is down 30 points, but it's still a little high.  Some of my liver enzymes are high, which is a first.  I looked some shit up and obesity/fatty liver will cause that.

My migraines have been SIGNIFICANTLY better.  So that's a bit of good news.  Since starting the B2 and magnesium I've only had 3.  That's a huge improvement.

I've started counting carbs again.  I've only been doing it 4 days, but I'm doing well.  No horrible cravings or anything.  I tried making a black bean chocolate cake, which sounds awful, and is, but fights off a junk food craving for only 5 g of carbs and a lot of fiber.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have to re-do a bunch of stuff for the bariatric center under my new insurance.  I have to meet with a dietician and be monitored for a month, I have to meet with a new surgeon since the one I met with last time is leaving in 2 months, I have to fill out their enormous packet again, get more blood work, and a couple other things.

My unemployment is officially up, so I HAVE to get a part time job.  I was dreading this.  Trying to find work when I'm so fat.  My back has been really bad lately.  My chiro says my L5 disc is inflamed, which makes sense since that was one of the 3 that were bulging a few years ago.  My current weight situation will only aggravate that.  I'm terrified I'll only be able to get a job where I'm on my feet all goddamn day, and after a couple of days I'll just give up and die from the pain in my back and feet.  When I was in embalming 1 class I'd be on my feet for 4-5 hours one day a week, and I felt nearly crippled for a couple days after.  Surely an employer wouldn't mind providing a chair for occasional breaks, right?

On an unrelated note, I'm going to dye my hair.  It's not like it will make me look any better, but I need something make me feel better and get my mind off of bullshit.

What A Waste

Thursday was a bad day.  I TRIED to make it a good day.  I really did.  I ran several errands, made contact with other humans...
It all ended in shit, though.  
First the deal with the bariatric center had me all upset.  Then I got a 5 minute rambling message from my aunt after she had to pay a lawyer for some estate stuff.  This isn't all of it, (the VanTomme's are my cousin's in-laws):

"Hey Tiff, aunt Cheri, you bet your ass
I'll tell you what, thanks for loving me like you loved your dad
thank you very very much
but I'll tell you what, the VanTomme's have 1.2 million 
and the will, it's clean and it's clear
I paid 1200 dollars for a lawyer
you're done, you're fucked up, you're fucked
I'll tell you what, thank you very much
how could you treat your dad like this you mother fucker?
Have you got 1.2 million dollars ? The VanTomme's do, and they're on Tawny's side. 
And what we have all that evidence from when Dode was here (Dode is short for Dorabelle, who is my great aunt).
How could you fucking do it? You FUCK. I'll kick your ass
You're done, you son of a bitch, FUCK YOU, you left him with a dying heart
how could you let your dad die with a broken heart?
Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you
Don't ever come around here on the property again, there's a restraining order being processed now for you
Tyne, and Alexis
you came in here and you took things
you didn't read the will, you're fucked
I will take what I have to take and I've got friends up the ass
1800 dollars and I have my friends
Go ahead, sue me, I don't care
1.2 million, do your uncles have it? The VanTomme's have it.
YOU FUCKING FAT ASS FUCK
I'm sorry but what you did to your dad sucked, you son of a bitch
see ya girl, try 1.2 million, got ya, HAHAHA!, got ya!"

That got my guts all up in a knot.  Most of her ramblings didn't make any goddamn sense, but she is on every illegal drug known to man, so that's not a surprise.  I was worried she'd do something to my mom, so I spent 45 minutes trying to get ahold of her.  Her phone was going straight to voicemail so I was freaking out.  Eventually I heard back from her.  She had been in a condo meeting.  

In the middle of all that shit, Nathan came home and wanted to go out to eat.  I was in a terrible mood and my back was hurting, so I asked if we could just call something in and pick it up.  He got all grumpy and stormed out the door.  That pissed me off and I spent about an hour sobbing so hard I thought I would puke.  After I calmed down a bit I went for a drive to clear my head.  Nathan had come back by that time and when I walked in the door he apologized, but I was still pissed and yelled at him not to talk to me.  He went in his room, I stewed for about half an hour, then I went in his room and said sorry and everything was fine. 

Today we went out for supper and we talked about it briefly.  He said he was still upset from my behavior when I was on my little bender.  Then I tried to explain why I was so upset, and broke the news that I felt like cutting myself that night.  He didn't handle that well.  He was like, "I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME AND FIND YOU DEAD ON THE FLOOR!"  So we had to talk more about all of that, which is always uncomfortable for me.  I reassured him I have a well trained team of people that look out for me.  

So as far as the bariatric center, I have to redo several things because it's been a year since I initially put in the request.  I have to get another letter from my psychiatrist, I have to get more blood work, I have to meet with a nutritionist, I have to have another surgeon consult because the original surgeon I met with is leaving in 2 months, I have to have an EKG and I have to take the chip in from my CPAP so they can download the information to make sure I've been using it.  I have a new packet coming in the mail that I have to fill out as well.  

Also, when I talked to the insurance lady, she said my initial claim to Blue Cross was denied BECAUSE MY PSYCH LETTER WAS FROM A NURSE PRACTITIONER, NOT A DOCTOR.  That's it.  That's the reason I'm still waiting.  THERE ARE PSYCHIATRISTS IN THAT OFFICE THAT COULD HAVE SIGNED OFF ON THAT LETTER.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?????!!!!!

Needless to say, I'm fucking stressed out, full of self loathing, and still feeling doomed.  

Oh yeah, and while my indiegogo account is stalled and hasn't had any contributions lately, the Oatmeal has raised another million dollars to build a Tesla museum.  I need that guy to do my PR.  

Untitled

My back is feeling a bit better.  I went to the chiro and she said my L5 disc was inflamed and so were my back muscles.  I've been trying to move around to loosen up the muscles, but it still hurts.  I go back in in an hour for another adjustment.

I also decided to call the bariatric center, even though I'm always terrified of what they'll say.  It's been awhile since I took them my new insurance card and I haven't heard anything.  I was transferred to the insurance lady and she was like, "why do you think the insurance company's answer will be different this time?"  I was like, "uhhh, because it's a completely different company??"  Apparently no one told her I had new insurance.  So once we figured that out she was like, "oh god, give me your number so I can check with you tomorrow!"  Fabulous.  I'm glad I called.
I'm relieved, but I'm also pissed.  I called the front desk a few weeks ago and wanted to make sure Pam, (the insurance chick) knew that I had called the new company to see what their requirements were, yadda yadda.  The first step is the doctor has to fill out a form citing medical necessity and they have to make sure I've jumped through all of my hoops.  The woman I talked to just said, "I'm sure they know all that already, thanks for calling."  I figured they had everything in order, but instead I just wasted another two months waiting.

It's Always Something

After my little bender I fell asleep around 7am and didn't wake up until midnight.  Dee had come over with one of her dogs at 11 am because Nathan texted her that he was worried about me, so I woke up for that.  I wasn't sure why he was worried since he doesn't read my blog, but I guess I was acting BIZARRE.  I went into his room around 4 and just sat on his bed bawling.  He had no idea what was going on.  Then I went to bed and got back up when he was in the shower and I asked if I could watch because I love him so much.  I don't remember any of this.
I apologized and told him what was going on, and I went back to bed around 1 am.  I got up at 8 this morning.  I stopped at Gateway and got a salad and am going to go to water aerobics with Dee tonight, but I'm waiting for my chiro to open at 2:30 pm.  My back is pissed off.  I can't stand up straight and have a searing pain going from the top of my right butt check down to my hip.  It's making me feel like I'm gonna barf.  I hate my back.  I hate my body.  I hate everything.

Under the Influecne

This post may be incoherent.   I'm under the influence.
I have been extremely, EXTREMELY depressed lately.
This is going to make some of you that know me well uncomfortable.  I want to cut myself.  I want to cut myself hard.  I don't want to do it because the death of my father was a year ago is still fresh in my mind and in the mind of my family.  I want to do it because i can't feel anything.  NOTHING.  Nothing is getting past this rhino skin.  I can't cut myself, and I can't kill myself, because I've been with my family throughout my dad's death, and it's been so fucking hard.  I'm medicated enough right now to know that suicide would be completely selfish.  There was a time I couldn't see that.  That was back in college.  I'm resorting to a kind of isolation suicide.  I keep myself away from everyone so it's like I don't exist.  I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day and she was trying to figure out if my problem was mental or physical.  I told her it's a struggle between both.  Embalming hurts because I'm on my feet so long, but I psych myself up and ready myself for the pain, which can be even worse.  But at the same time I'm going over and over in my head, "will I fit in the embalming room?  I'm the fattest person in the world, do they have room for me?  Are they thinking about embalming me right now????
In the past I would just hack at myself, but that seems like so much trouble.  If I knew no one would see it, it would not be a big deal, but everyone will see it.  And I don't relally want to die, I jsut want to be well.  I want to get that call from Mercy that says, "YOU'VE BEEN APPROVED, JUST SET A DATE."
Until then, I wake up early, see no reason to be awake, and force myself back to sleep where I have crippling nightmares that I can't even describe.  They're horrible enough to jerk me out of sleep, crying.   I don't want to feel, so I put all of my effort into going back to sleep.  I need help, but I din't know who to turn to.  I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I'm nothing.
Right now I'm on 4 xanax, 4 ambian, and two big glasses of whiskey and some powdered kratom.  I feel properly out of my head, which is what I wanted so badly.
My family and friends are going to be worried.  Hell, I'M WORRED.  I can't stop the stream of tears from falling down my face.  I can't bring myself to get up out of bed.  I desperately try to go back to sleep, so I can't feel anything.  And I don't see any point to my life.

I did manage to take a shower today, but what good did it do?  Now I need to use deoderant uner all of my dam rolls and folds, and that makes me fucking sick.

SOMEONE SAVE ME.  PLEASE.  I'M LIVING IN PURGATORY RIGHT NOW.  I'M NOT ALIVE, I'M NOT DEAD, BUT THERE'S AN INSURANCE COMPANY STANDING IN MY WAY WITH THE ABILITY TO CHANGE. MY.  MOTHER.  FUCKING.  LIFE.  HELP ME.
HELP ME.  HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEE!!!!  KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

A Relevant Tune

Try Failing A Little More

I passed all of my summer classes with 2 A's and 2 B's, so that's not what I'm talking about.

I have been
SO
DEPRESSED
And I am an utter failure at life.

I haven't had any Ambien in at least 2 weeks.  I accidentally missed my appointment in July, and either I forget to reschedule, or something is up with the office.  Last time I called their computers were down so they asked me to call again.  Since I haven't had it my sleep has gotten super fucked up and I miss office hours, even if I set my alarm.  Yesterday I fell asleep at 8 am and woke up at 8 pm, but in my defense, I had a migraine.  Although the migraine was significantly less horrific.  My eyes didn't swell or anything and the pain was bearable, so I didn't bother taking an imitrex.

I don't have any ambition to do anything.  Not even make phone calls.  I'd just lay perfectly still 24 hours a day if I didn't have so many hot flashes and a need to roll over to let parts of my dry/cool off.

The only way I can describe it is kind of like this.

Fear

I have been so damn anxious lately.  All of my classic anxiety from college/high school is back.  I'm scared to go anywhere alone.  I usually wait for Nathan to come home and ask him to come with me if I need to go somewhere.  I dread calling people I don't know, like for insurance bullshit.  I try to put it off as long as possible.  I also don't want to answer the door.  I did that in college all the time.  Someone would knock and I'd be super quiet until they went away.  I've been doing that again, like with my landlord or my neighbor.
Our toilet was running so Nathan called the landlord and he arranged for someone to come over the next day.  I was too freaked out to answer the door, so I hid back in Nathan's room until he was gone since he had a key to get in.
I don't know what my freakin' deal is.

On the migraine front, things are looking up.  I started B2 and magnesium.  The first day I took them I got a headache, but the second, third and fourth day I didn't get a headache.  Not even a hint of a headache.  I forgot to take my pills today and I just had to take an Imitrex.  A couple of friends seem to think this is a placebo affect, but if you've ever had a migraine, you know what the pain is like and that mind tricks don't make them go away.  It's like saying placebo birth control pills prevent pregnancy because you think you're taking the real thing.

My mouth guard has been working well, but I took it to my mom's this weekend and thought I packed it, but now I can't find it.  That thing was 70 bucks, goddamnit.  I just ordered a new one, but I didn't want to spend another 70 bucks, so I got a $20 one.  Geez.

This weekend I was thinking about starting the Optifast program to give me a jump start on losing weight.  I thought it was a prepackaged meal plan, but I did some research and it's just a liquid diet.  You drink a protein shake 5 times a day and that's all you're allowed.  I saw some good reviews, but there were a lot of bad reviews from people saying as soon as they stopped the program they gained all of their weight back, and the urge to binge on chewable food was overwhelming, so now I'm not so sure.  It makes sense to be on a liquid diet after bypass because you're stomach is tiny and wounded.  I'm not sure if I could do it without that tool.

Au Naturale

My migraine woes continue, but I've been thinking about the various preventative measures, like more drugs, botox injections, etc, and that doesn't appeal to me.  So, I'm going to try magnesium and B2 (riboflavin).

B2 Facts:
Vitamin B2 helps in the treatment of migraine headaches. Problems like dry and itchy skin, acne, dermatitis, and eczema may be reduced or cured by the intake of vitamin B2. It aids in the treatment of anemia, cataracts, and rheumatoid arthritis. Vitamin B2 aids in the treatment of several nerve related conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, epilepsy, and sclerosis.
Although the human body has an efficient mechanism to absorb and conserve vitamin B2, sometimes one may have a vitamin B2 deficiency. A vitamin B2 deficiency can affect the metabolism of the body and influence the immune system and neural functions. The deficiency can cause abnormal sensitivity to light, various eye problems like itching, burning, and pale eyes. A vitamin B2 deficiency can also cause sore throat, mouth ulcers, pale tongue, cracks on the lips, dry and dull hair, wrinkles on the face, itchy skin, and sore and tasteless tongue. It can affect one's overall wellbeing. 
Migraines - check
Itchy skin - check
Eczema - check
Shitty metabolism - check
Watery eyes - check
Canker sores - check
Dry hair - check
Cracked lips - check

Let's move onto Magnesium Benefits: 

1. Magnesium may reverse osteoporosis

Multiple research studies conducted have suggested that calcium supplemented with magnesium improves bone mineral density. Magnesium deficiency alters calcium metabolism and the hormones that regulate calcium, resulting in osteoporosis. Intake of recommended levels of magnesium is important because it averts osteoporosis.

2. Magnesium prevents cardiovascular diseases

One of the most important benefits of magnesium is that it is associated with lowering the risk of coronary heart diseases. Dietary surveys have suggested that sufficient magnesium intake may reduce the chance of having a stroke. Magnesium deficiency increases the risk of abnormal heart rhythms, which increases the risk of complications after a heart attack. Therefore, consuming recommended amounts of magnesium dietary supplements may be beneficial to the cardiovascular system.

3. Magnesium regulates high blood pressure (Hypertension)

Magnesium plays a key role in regulating blood pressure naturally. Magnesium supplements and a diet including plenty of fruits and vegetables, which are good sources of potassium and magnesium, are consistently associated with lowering blood pressure.

4. Magnesium treats diabetes

Studies show that individuals with a magnesium deficiency have a risk of developing type-2 diabetes and severe diabetic retinopathy. Magnesium aids in carbohydrate metabolism and influences the release and activity of insulin, thereby controlling blood glucose levels. It has been proven that for every 100 milligrams of increase in magnesium daily intake, there was a 15 percent decrease in the risk of developing type-2 diabetes.

5. Magnesium treats migraines, insomnia, and depression

The numerous magnesium health benefits also include the treatment of migraines, insomnia, and symptoms of depression. Magnesium is also known to cure severe forms of psychiatric dysfunctions including panic attacks, stress, anxiety, and undue agitations. Magnesium supplements considerably reduce the severity of such attacks and may also help in reducing the rate of recurrence.

Women of all ages can benefit from magnesium-it's been shown to help build and maintain strong bones, relieve symptoms of menopause 

Magnesium:

• Gives rigidity AND flexibility to your bones
• Increases bioavailability of calcium
• Regulates and normalizes blood pressure
• Prevents and reverses kidney stone formation
• Promotes restful sleep
• Helps prevent congestive heart failure
• Eases muscle cramps and spasms
• Lowers serum cholesterol levels and triglycerides
• Decreases insulin resistance
• Can prevent artherosclerosis and stroke
• End cluster and migraine headaches
• Enhances circulation
• Relieves fibromyalgia and chronic pain
• Treats asthma and emphysema
• Helps make proteins
• Encourages proper elimination
• Prevents osteoporosis

Migraines - check
Chronic insomnia - check
Anxiety - check
Muscle tension and spasms - check
Possible bone weakness - check
Temperature regulation issues - check
High cholesterol - check

I ordered these vitamins and should get them on Wednesday.  I've got my fingers crossed.  I'm sure my body could use these supplements, considering I'm still in surgical menopause and am flipping OBESE.  

On the Down Low

I feel weird about talking about singing stuff because I don't want people to think I'm bragging, but I would like to mention it, I guess.  I'll just do it on here instead of Facebook.  My instructor told me she talked to the provost today about scheduling a time for my own recital in the cafeteria.  She wants it advertised in the Des Moines Register and asked me if that was okay.  Sure, why not?  She said it needs to last about an hour.   Then I'm supposed to sing in the regular recital, with the other students, and then have a third, longer recital at a nicer venue.  She wants me to come in for extra lesson times next semester, too.  I wish I could find a part time job that would be flexible enough to let me do what I need to do for school, but also pay the bills.  Maybe if I could do a night shift, like Dee and Sara.  I'm also worried about gastric bypass.  If I get approved and scheduled, I don't want to have a lot of singing down time.  I wish all these problems weren't all grouped together in one big mass of shit.

Money gets in the way of everything.

I had my 5th migraine of the week tonight, and was looking up different causes.  Not only can hormones fuck up your head, clenching your teeth at night can cause migraines.  That may make more sense than the hormones right now, since I've been having such terrible tooth/jaw aches.  So now I need to look into getting an actual mouth guard from the dentist.  The one I'm using is fine, but it will alter your bite after so many months of using it since it only fits over the front teeth to keep the back teeth from touching.  The only problem is the dentist's mouth guard costs about 500 bucks, and insurance doesn't cover it.  I don't want my teeth to shift, though.  When I wear the front guard, it alters my bite for at least half of the day, to the point where my back teeth don't touch each other.  Another doctor's bill is not what I want right now.

Ow, My Head

I just woke up with my 4th migraine of the week.  This is getting really annoying.  And last night I woke up suddenly when I realized I was biting so hard into my mouth guard that it hurt.  I don't know if tension is causing my headaches or what, but I'm getting super pissy.  It feels like a tension headache and a migraine rolled into one.  Right now my neck and jaw are almost unbearably tight, but I've also been getting a runny nose and watery eyes before my headaches this week.  I've gone deaf in one ear before, and I typically get blind spots, so I'm used to weird shit happening before a headache.  I suppose it could be hormone related.  I used to get migraines everyday in high school and had to make the occasional trip to the ER.

Oh, yeah.  I just found this.  Go figure.
Menopause Migraines

Naysayers

I'm passing around my Indiegogo link again since it seems to be losing steam.  When I first posted it I got great responses, but now I'm stalled at 6,900.  It pisses me off, not because people can't afford to contribute, god knows I understand that, but I see a bunch of other projects on that site that are getting a lot of money.  Some of them are just so stupid.  Maybe I'm feeling entitled, but for some reason I feel like my health is more important than a documentary about video games in the UK.  Call me crazy.


Another thing that frustrates the shit out of me is people that feel the need to give their two cents on something they don't know anything about.  My friend Leah posted my fundraising link on her wall, and one of her friends responded with this:


"I'm sorry, but I cannot donate. I don't see how gastric bypass will assist this woman. She says that it's her body making extra fat stores, which it will no matter how much she eats. I do wish her all the best finding other ways to work with her body.

Also, when working at Lane Bryant, I saw too many customers say "This is the last time I'll be shopping here, I'm having gastric bypass soon!" And except for 2, they've been back to LB sizes within a year... I hope she's the exception if she does have the surgery."

SUCK.  A.  DICK.  The success rate for gastric bypass is 93%, so fuck you, lady, for hoping I'm the exception.  If you can't afford to donate, that's cool, but don't say you're not going to contribute because this is some kind of fool's errand.  I've spent two years researching this, talking to doctors, nurses, and friends that have had the procedure.  I'm not naive, and I'm not a moron.  This surgery is a tool.  It's not a cure all.  I'm well aware of the risks and complications.  I don't feel like going into the details on how it works, so I'll leave you with two of the responses I got from people I went to high school with that are now doctors, not cashiers at Lane Bryant. 

"This is such a touching story. How frustrating to face an uphill climb that can't be controlled even with heroic efforts re: diet & exercise. Hormones can be a b***h. A body so dead-set on finding more estrogen will be able to overcome pretty much any amount of exercise. I am familiar with the OptiFast program (we have a lot of patients here at UCSD who are on it) and many have good results, so perhaps it can at least help in the interim until funding issues are resolved. Sounds like the insurer is being not only inhumane, but penny wise and pound foolish... weight loss surgery isn't cheap, but it's cheaper than paying out for years to treat a patient suffering from serious weight-related co-morbidities."

"As a physician who hopes to actually move back to iowa to run medical weight loss programs for teens/adults it is very frustrating to read about how someone who has clear indications for surgery is rejected from their insurance company. This is more frustrating when ifyou have Medicaid in Missouri and qualify, you are covered for surgery but not the necessary preventative medicine that prevents obesity in the first place or the needed medical follow up to manage the endocrine side effects after surgery. Any endocrinologist/internist who is well versed in the literature knows that in people who have complications (the most surprising data is with type 2 diabetes) gastric bypass is really the most efficient and proven way to not only loose weight but to reverse complications."