A Good Meal

So I guess I had an Ambien binge last night.  When I got up today an Nathan's, a couple pieces of chocolate peanut butter pie and some of my dark chocolate tart were gone.
I can only imagine that was at least 1000 calories.  Thank god Squirt made the pie with sugar free pudding, otherwise the damage would have been much worse.
For lunch I had Carlos O'Kelly's.  That was probably calorie heavy, but it was good.
For supper I was well behaved.  A salmon fillet, some whole wheat toast, a small mango, and some quinoa, which is apparently a nutrient powerhouse.
I can't wait for my Sonoma cookbook to get here.

You're So Deceptive

Apparently my 5 pound weight loss was a cruel joke. 
I'm back to 255.  I guess that's just part of the whole weight fluctuation thing. 
How discouraging. 
I'm anxiously awaiting my Sonoma diet cookbook. 
I swear to baby Jesus.  I swear to him on Christmas.  If I can't make any progress in 6 months, I WILL have lap band surgery.  I don't care how much it costs.  I want to be healthy and I want to feel comfortable with myself.

X-Mas Eve

So after I found out Nathan's parents were concerned about how fat I was, I bawled on the couch for over an hour.  The cats seemed disturbed, except for Tessa's cat, Satine.  She wouldn't leave my lap.  She's so intuitive.
It took me about 3 xanax to get calmed down.  Then I passed out on the couch.  I was so exhausted from crying.
I'm not even upset that they thought I was fat.  I was upset because I think I'm fat, and I was worried that that's what they'd think.
Nathan was pretty great about it though.  He was like, "I told them you've had trouble after your surgery and how hard you work at counting calories and working out, and they were really sympathetic.  Don't think about it, I think you're gorgeous!"

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and asked her if she could tell me anything I don't already know about my weight.
I told her I've put on 60 pounds since the surgery.  She asked about my estrogen and I told her it's still low.  My hormone guy wants to take it easy so my endometriosis doesn't flare back up.  She said if it's still low, then that would account for my weight gain, and I'd have trouble getting the weight off.  She told me to strive for working out an hour a day to get my metabolism up, and to avoid anything high impact.  I told her I did Farrell's and kept gaining weight and ended up rolling my ankle.  She said post menopausal women have weakened joints, so I shouldn't do anything that intense, or run, yadda yadda.  This would explain why my ankle still hurts, and my knees have been bugging me.
She told me to stay away from pills like Alli, since they make you poop your pants and the results don't last.  She did recommend the Sonoma diet.  She said lots of her post menopausal patients have had great luck losing weight with it.  It's a Mediterranean diet, lots of healthy oils, fish, and veggies.  I ordered the cookbook and the diet book. 
She also told me if I'm not getting results in about 6 months, that I could look into lap band procedures.
The visit was discouraging and comforting at the same time.  Comforting because this isn't completely my fault.  My body has gone haywire.  And discouraging because it's going to be even harder than I thought to get the weight off.  I guess I'll just keep at it.  Counting calories, wearing the BodyBugg, doing resistance bands and walking with some light boxing thrown in to keep my body guessing.
SIGH.

I was talking to my mom and sister about it, and they were so understanding.  All of my friends and family are so understanding and so supportive.  I don't know what I'd do without such a strong support system.  My little sister said, "I love how Dee keeps on you for updates.  She's cares about you and wants you to succeed."  I was just like, I KNOW, RIGHT??
So thanks again to everyone. :)

My Broken Heart

My fears have been confirmed.
I just found out Nathan's parents were a little shocked at how fat I am.
I just want to lay here and die.

The Metabolic Dilemma

I continue to burn calories at a snails pace.  2600 burned today.  2200 eaten.  A lousy 400 calorie deficit.

I've been less inclined to work out lately.  I just feel kinda.... low.
Now that I've got Lamictil back in my system, maybe I'll be more energetic.  It doesn't help that I've had a sore throat and body aches for a week.

I'm working from home today.  Maybe I'll do some kick boxing while I monitor company chat.  I miss how it felt to burn 4500 calories in a night.

Jesus Christos

I'm throwing away those pumpkin bars when I get home.  I can't be trusted.  I've had too many calories today.  I bought that goddamn salad and was so hungry I ate the whole bag, which was only 45 calories, but the salad topper shit I put on it was over a hundred since I definitely didn't use a tablespoon of it.
Those bars are ruining my calorie totals.  INTO THE TRASH WITH YOU.  I cannot keep that shit around.  I'll sabotage myself.

Still So Far Away

This weekend was an absolute calorie nightmare.  I had a good time meeting Nathan's parents and friends, but the first meal we had with his parents was fried pork burgers, onion rings, and fried mushrooms.  I'm sure I went way over my alloted calories.  Then we went and ate at a pizza joint that night.  Later we had fried fish and cheesy rice, went to Olive Garden, then Nathan's mom made pumpkin bread.  It was all tasty, but jesus christ.
I tried to get back on track Monday, but we went to Hardee's on our way home to Iowa, which was 1400 calories, and then we cooked a big steak dinner with pasta salad and deviled eggs and pumpkin bars.
So I think I ended up eating 2700 or 2800 calories, which would have meant I broke even for that day or went over by a couple hundred.  I'm not sure since the BodyBugg was charging.

My back really started to hurt last night after supper, and when I went to bed I was hurting really bad.  I took a bunch of Advil and such, and when I woke up I could barely move.  I thought for sure it would spasm.  I didn't sleep for shit because the pain kept waking me up.
I walked back to my place from Nathan's and ate maybe 4 pumpkin bars.  I'm not exactly sure of the amount since I was just eating them out of the pan with a fork.  I haven't eaten anything else, but I have a serious gut ache.  Those bars are LOADED with calories.  I'm just going to assume they were about 2100-2200 and that I can't have anything else to eat for the day, unless it's a 60 calorie can of salmon.  I've had to do that before, like when I ate an entire package of soft batch cookies, at 1700 calories.  I just tried to avoid eating for the rest of the day.  I know why I binged.  I did it to feel good.  I gorge when I'm in pain, and right now I'm in a lot of it, and I feel too exhausted to try and fight it.
It's not like I'm hungry anyway right now, and I'm supposed to fast tonight, starting at 8 pm for blood work tomorrow.

My big sister sent me an article about things you need to know if you need to lose 100 pounds or more.  It didn't really say anything I didn't already know.  It just talked about how to know when you're ready to lose the weight, how to keep yourself psyched up, yadda yadda yadda.  One of the things they recommended was figuring out what you're actually getting out of being fat.  I know what they meant by this, but I don't think that question applies to me.  I had to answer this when I was in therapy, using anger instead of obesity.  What do I get out of being angry?  That was easy to answer.  I feel tough, instead of vulnerable.  I was vulnerable growing up with my dad and I hated it.  It made me feel weak.  So now I try to be exactly the opposite.  Anger keeps people at a distance, so I don't have to get really close to people.  There are a handful of exceptions to that, obviously, but there's a smaller chance of me getting hurt.
I can't really think of anything I'm getting from being fat.  I hate everything about it.  If anything I'm just afraid of the effort, mental and physical, that it takes to really do it.

I really should work out tonight, but my back is still killing me and I'm dead tired, so I don't know if that will happen.  I just want to go to sleep right now.  I wish I had some pain pills.
I go to the doctor next week.

Bloop

Not really much to updated on.  Still trucking away, trying to chip off calories little by little.

I had my big freak out about gaining 3 pounds the other day, but weighed myself on Dee's scale and it said I'd lost 5.
I guess I'll weigh myself every couple of weeks, and measure my waist, as someone told me that's the more accurate indicator of weight loss progress.  Seems reasonable to me.

Also, I just ate 2 servings of peanut butter M&M's.  They were worth ever calorie.  Total calorie intake so far for the day is 1500.  I was in a hurry to get to work and didn't put on the fatty bug, so calories burned remains a mystery.

Sorry Everyone

I'm so miserable right now.
I had a great weekend of being really active, walking, dancing, laughing, and of course, eating.
I burned so many calories and had a good time doing it.  My body was wonderfully sore.
Now I'm sitting here at work.  Completely sedentary.  I hate it.  My back is killing me and I don't have anything except Aleve for it.

I just looked through all the pictures from Dee's b-day party and now just want to sit in the tub and pop open my veins.  I am so fat I can barely stand to look at myself.  I'm sitting at work with tears streaming down my cheeks.
How am I supposed to get through this?  Fat and unemployed.  I'm far more concerned about being fat than unemployed.  My jeans feel tight.  Why do my jeans feel tight?  Why does it seem like I'm still gaining weight?  How am I supposed to stay positive and focused when I hate going out in public, meeting people, or seeing people I know because I hate myself so much?

This is probably obnoxious for people to read, just seeing one negative post after another, but if I don't get it all out somewhere I'll collapse under my own misery like a neutron star.  I'm swarmed with thoughts of self loathing.  I haven't been this depressed in a long time.  I feel broken and defeated.

This Seemed to Help

http://exercise.about.com/cs/weightloss/a/weightdilemmas.htm

New Goal

I really need to stop eating so much at night.  I had like, 1000 calories before bed, and 1000 throughout the day, so when I got home I was starving, and just had 1000 more.  My new goal is to take in the majority of my calories during the day, and not right before bed.
Right now I'm having hot cocoa, and I won't apologize.

Story Of My Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSbpyxFC24k&feature=related

My Back Hurts

That is all.

A General Malaise

God, today is just one of those days where I don't even feel like moving my face to make expressions.  I don't want to move my fingers to type, I just want go limp, fall out of my chair, and just lay all crumpled up on the floor for the rest of my life.
I didn't meet my calorie goal yesterday either.  I only got to 2800 again.  What is the deal with that???  I was burning an average of 3100.  The fatty bug kept losing sync with the digital display yesterday and it was pissing me off, so I'm not wearing it today.  I didn't want to count my calories for the day either, but I wrote them down anyway.
I should probably stop eating so many calories right before I go to bed and eat more of the bulk of them during the day.  I don't know why I'm so inclined to eat at night, but I've always been like that.

I am so fucking sleeeeeepy.

Wee!

I've got the peddler!

Duh

I am so bad with money.  Apparently I need to start treating my money the way I treat my calories.   Make a goal, write down what I spend, so I have some left over.
I totally went on an Amazon binge while sitting at work.  Shopping seems to be like food for me. I don't know when to say when.  There must be something ingrained in my personality.  I'm gonna go ahead and blame my dad for that.
I carry my goddamn planner everywhere, I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to putt it out and fucking use it.
Maybe if I start tracking my calories in it instead of in a separate notepad I'll be more inclined to use it.  I am such a retard.  God.

Oh, I didn't blow past my calorie goal like I thought I would.  Apparently my metabolism took a dump at night.  I wanted to burn around 3500-3600, but I only burned 3200.  I ate 2060, so I shouldn't freak out.  I still had a nice deficit.  So far today I've had 1034 and burned 2073.

Energize!

I feel really pepped up today.  I'm sleepy because I didn't get to bed until 4 am, but my body feels all hyper.  I'm going to guess it's from my 2 hours of working out.  11:30 pm to 1:30 am.  Some boxing, some crunches, a little freestyle dancing, and resistance bands.
I was on a workout kick since I didn't meet my calorie goal for the day.  I ended up coming out on top, but I only burned 2800 and my goal is 2900.  Total calorie consumption was 2060, which is definitely good.  I still had a significant calorie deficit, but I like to get to 3000 calories burned.
Anyway, my workout really ramped up my calorie burn, and by 4 am I was at 800.  It's 3:30 in the afternoon and right now my total is 2231 burned with 1000 consumed.
I shall continue to rock on with my bad self.

Back On Track

So my BodyBugg had to be charged, so I couldn't wear it for a couple of days.  I went to put it on yesterday thinking it was fully charged, but apparently it only charges when my laptop is on.  It won't charge when it's asleep.
I'm pretty sure I either broke even yesterday or went over my calorie goal.  I blame my aunt.  Her sugar cookies are of the devil.  I got the munchies around 10 last night too and had a bunch of pasta salad.
I ate the rest of those goddamn cookies before work, so right now I'm at 760 calories.  Nathan and I are going to order some Chinese food later.  I always get the steamed dumplings.  Six of them are 500 calories, which isn't bad.  They're pretty filling.

My hormones are all fucked up from me not having estrogen for 2 weeks and now my hot flashes are pretty bad, I keep crying, and my titties are sore.
On Saturday night Nathan and I were hanging out and lifted up my shirt to rub my back since it's been hurting.  To my dismay he discovered my new stretch marks, all purple and thick, around my ribs, where I've developed back fat.  I don't think he thought anything of it, but I pulled my shirt down and said I didn't want him looking at me.  I always make him turn the lights out for sex, too.
Later in the night he was giving me a hug and felt I was all sweaty.  He said something like, "ew, that's gross" and for whatever reason I assumed he was talking about the way I look.  I started to cry and was like "do you think I'm hideous???"  Of course he said no, but I still feel really self conscious.
We're going to Illinois on the 11th of December so I can meet his parents.  I don't want to meet them while I'm so fat.  I don't want them to think, "oh gross, our son could do so much better than her."

I had a bit of a reality check when I was uploading my BodyBugg data.  It gives you little alerts telling you how long you've been using it.  I feel like I've been using it forever, and I should be at least 20 pounds lighter, but I've only been using it for 2 weeks, which is about 2-3 pounds lost.  I felt better and worse at the same time.  Better, because I'm not really failing, it just hasn't been that long yet, and worse because it seems like I've been working at this forever.  If 2 weeks feels like 2 months, then how am I going to cope with 6 months?  Or even a year?  Feeling a change in my body would give me so much more motivation, but I don't feel or see any changes.  All I see are new stretch marks, which is incredibly discouraging.
I think the answer is I need to fucking lighten up.  Mentally, not physically.  I freak out about this so much, and it only ends up making it harder.  :(

Holiday Blues

Jesus Christ, why can't holiday food come with a calorie count?
I have no idea what I ate on Thursday and I could really only estimate Friday.
Friday was just a big fat bust anyway.  My back spasmed all fucking night so I didn't sleep.  I ended up in the recliner around 7 am with an ice pack.  I took 8 ibuprofen and finally fell asleep.  Of course I had a hell of a gut ache later from all the pain killers I took.
I wore the BodyBugg all day and didn't even reach my calorie burn goal.  I fell about 400 calories short since I couldn't do anything.  The day before was great though, I was running around all day and burned 3600.
The BodyBugg battery is dying so I don't have it on right now.  I really want some horrible junk food, like McDonald's.  I can get some nuggets and fries and I'll be at 1760 calories consumed for the day.  I had some granola bars and rice crispie treats my mom made.  Those are surprisingly low in calories, FYI.
I'm assuming I want trash food since I'm miserable at work right now.  My back fucking hurts and I can't bend my head down or i get this horrible pain under my shoulder blade.  I'm goddamn tired and want to go home.
I'd opt for something better, like Subway, but I forgot to take my toothbrush home with me and haven't brushed my teeth in a couple days.  I've flossed and tried scrubbing them with my sleeve, but it's just not the same.
I'm taking a nap when I get home, but I should use my resistance bands when I wake up.  Get myself a nice leg workout. Since I've been out an about today I can only assume I'll hit my 3100 calorie burn average.
Whatever.

So Far So Good

I'm really loving this BodyBugg.
I usually don't keep very good track of calories on the weekend, but I had the fatty bug on, so I wanted to keep track and did really well.
Yesterday I did cheat.  I went to Hy-Vee to get some groceries and there was this huge Thanksgiving cookie.  A bit sugar cookie the size of my hand piled high with frosting so it looked like a turkey.  My god.  I took one bite of that thing and I was gone.  Sugar orgasm.  I ate the whole thing.  I have no idea how many calories it had, but it was fucking delicious.
I estimated it had 1000 so I tried to keep my calories low for the rest of the day.  My adventures in carting around stray dogs left me with a total calorie burn of 3600 for the day, so I was a bit more comfortable with my enormous cookie.  Jesus Christ that thing was good.
I had an egg salad sandwich too, calories unknown, but I didn't eat the whole thing, so good on me.

I don't have the bug on today since it's not really feasible with the shirt that I'm wearing, but I average 3050 to 3100, so I'll be sure to keep close eye on my calories.

Meanwhile I'll go to sleep tonight dreaming of that cookie.

Things I Want

I want to look cute in clothes.
I want all my old cute clothes that are too small to fit again!
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel good.
I want my collar bones back.
I want my bras to stop cutting into me because my back rolls are so big.
I want to be able to stretch properly without my belly rolls getting in the way.
I want my thighs to rub together less.
I want to be able to accept myself.
I want to feel sexy so I'm not insecure being naked in front of my lover.
I want to stop thinking to myself, "Nathan deserves someone a lot better looking than me."
I want to enjoy a movie without feeling the arm rests of the seats burrowing into my hips.
I want my friends to be proud of me.
I want to be an example and an inspiration.
I want to be curvy as opposed to just fat.
I want to see this through to the end.

Good Vibrations

I am feeling really good right now.  I followed Squirt and Dee's advice and wore the BodyBugg to bed last night. I have burned 1900 calories so far.  I was only looking at the "trip" setting yesterday, and had reset it, so I thought I was only burning a few hundred since I started keeping track at 1pm.  When I checked the "calorie" setting, which shows what you've burned from midnight to midnight, I had burned over 3000.  That is over my goal of 2900 a day, so things are coming up Milhouse!

Also, wrapping my punching bag in foam did in fact help with deadening the sound, so I'm looking forward to attacking it tonight.

I can't wait for my resistance bands to get here.  I haven't given my legs a good workout in awhile, other than walking and kicking.

I hope I can keep up this enthusiasm.  I've been excited about stuff before, diet pills, cutting carbs, not eating after 5pm, Farrell's, keeping a binge diary...... yadda yadda yadda.
This feels different.  This is a down and dirty visual of what's going in and out of my body, calorie wise.  How much energy am I expending, how much energy am I taking in?  No more guess work.  It's right in my face.
I always just sort of estimated in my head before, or thought, hey, if I'm hungry, it's okay if I eat a big steak and a plate of fries and a bag of M&M's.  Articles say to only eat when you're hungry, so all this food is fine.
Not anymore.

I thanked everyone in yesterday's post, but I want to thank you all again.  You're all supportive in different ways, and even though my weight isn't anyone's issue but my own, you've all rallied around me and helped me take steps to change my body and change my lifestyle.  Whether you've helped me pay for fitness stuff like the BodyBugg, or you just understand what it's like to fight and struggle with your body and body image, I really appreciate it, and I think you're all just tops!

Calculations

I have managed some simple math here.  I have been wearing the BodyBugg for 7 hours, and I've burned 913 calories.  If I'm up for 7 more hours, which I will be, I"ll have burned 1826 calories, without having done any extra activity for the day.  If I go for a walk, that should burn... 200 or 300 more.  I don't know where the BodyBugg website is getting its ca-raaazy information from, but there's no way I can burn 2900 calories in a day if I have to be at work, and I DEFINITELY shouldn't be eating 2300.
Now, I may be off some, since, again, I didn't put it on until 1pm.  So, we'll say, without walking, I will have burned..... maybe 21-2200???  Does that seem reasonable?  With walking, maybe 24-2500?  I guess that puts me close to my 2900 calorie goal.  I'll have to run up the stairs a few more times before I leave this pee pee soaked heck hole.  I'm pretty sad I won't get the little beep that says "you've reached your goal!"
I think I'll run by Wal-Mart too and pick up a mattress pad for my punching bag.  I want to wail on that thing.  Why do the gays have to be so finicky when it comes to noise.  God.

The Fatty Bug

I would like to start this post off by saying thank you to my friends.  You're all very supportive, and I'm grateful for each of you.  You spoil me with your love.
A very special thank you goes out to Sara, Dee and Tessa.  They all chipped in to get me this BodyBugg, which is a little calorie counting device that tells you how many calories you've burned through the day.  There's also a web program that goes along with it so you can track how many calories you have to burn to meet your weight goals, and helps you track what you've eaten.
I got this little guy last night and it was the first time I've felt any real hope toward losing weight.

So, now it's time for me to gripe.
In the web program, I put in the kinds of food I like to eat and my height and weight and weight loss goal.  I put in there my sedentary life style/job, and that I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week, which I think was listed under "fair" activity.  There was... I think... none, very light, light, fair, moderate, heavy, very heavy.  Those last couple were for manual laborer types that did lots of athletic training.
With my various body stats and my goal of losing 1 and a half pounds a week, I'm supposed to eat around 2300 calories and burn 2900 a day.  Now, granted I'm not doing this exactly as directed, I'm getting pissed off and discouraged right now.
The directions say to only take the armband off for an hour each day, and you should sleep with it on if possible.
That hour is supposed to give you time to shower and such since this thing isn't waterproof.
I am not sleeping with it on.  I'll crush it.  So I went to bed at 5am and got up at noon today, did my business, and put it on as I was walking out the door, which was at 1pm.  It's now 6:30pm and I've only burned..... 800 calories.  I've eaten 1300.  I was trying to hold off, but my stomach felt like it was eating itself around 5ish, so I got some Subway.
How am I supposed to burn 2900 calories when I just sit here for 8 hours a day???  It's no wonder I've packed on so much weight.  This little device is really making me feel accountable for my body.  I can't just sit here and say, "well, it must be from the surgery."
Granted, I'm pretty sure that has played a role, however big or small, but I was probably putting away maybe 3000 calories or more a day, with regular meals and junk food binges.
I'm so disgusted with myself.  I just feel sick.
I know I'm not the only one that's been through this, but jesus, why does it have to be so daunting?
Obviously the key is to ramp up my activity level and try eating less than 2300 calories, so that goal can some day be a reality.

By the way, I'm at 812 calories.  I should probably ad a couple hundred more since I didn't have this thing on until this afternoon.

I started doing resistance bands again.  I only have the ones to do arms.  I need an O ring and a figure 8 band to do the exercises for my legs.  I've tried to substitute other stuff, or wrap up the long bands, but it doesn't seem to work very well, so I'd rather just have the right bands.  (If anyone is interesting in helping me with this, I've put a set of bands on my Amazon wish list *wink wink*).
Resistance training is supposed to be the golden child of calorie burning activities, since you burn more calories at rest when your muscles aren't flabby and sad.  So my goal is to do weight stuff twice a week, give my body recovery time and get in upper and lower body, and then do cardio stuff at least 3 additional days a week.  I've always liked walking, and it should be relatively easy to do at least an hour a night.  I've got a kick ass walking mix put together.
I want to use my heavy bag more, but the gays upstairs get pissed when I do it after 11pm, and I HATE getting up to workout.  I'm not completely awake, and I'm crabby.  The last thing I want to do is work out.  I'm usually all kinds of pissed off at the end of the day and need to destress when I get home, so that's just a better time for me and I can be more intense with the workout.
I wonder if wrapping some bedding foam around it would deaden the sound.  I'll have to try it.

In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of these slow, boring periods at work to go across to the other building at work and go up and down the 4 flights of stairs.  It gets my heart rate up and makes my back feel better, since it just kills me when I sit in these office chairs forever and my ass gets numb.

850 calories burned.

It's Late

It's late, but I've been grumpy all day and don't want to sleep yet.  I went about 10 calories over 2000 today, so I worked the resistance bands.  My arms are all jello-y, so it was a good workout.  I did some good stretching, too.  I feel pretty good.  Too bad you don't see results quickly, I feel really discouraged and really ugly.  I can't really think of anything nice to say about myself right now, and I'm on the brink of tears but can't cry.

Look Out

Something is off with my brain.  It may be my hormones.  I hate and want to kill everyone and everything right now.  It could be a combination of stress and hormones.  I haven't had problems with night sweats for awhile, but they're back.  I hate everyone at work, I hate the customers calling in, I hate level 1.  My back hurts, I'm getting laid off, I just had to sign up for COBRA, I'm tired, I smell funny, I can't binge on anything, I have no money and spending some on hair products would make me feel better.  I need to do laundry, but someone is using the machines.  If I could blow the world up with my mind I totally would.
I'm looking to pick a fight.  So look out.

Body Bug

Deanne Harding is a saint.
This calorie tracking stuff can be tricky, but hopefully it's going to get a bit easier when I get the Body Bug that Dee ordered for me tomorrow.  I'm wicked excited.  THANKS DEE!!!

I got an email from my mom yesterday saying Trudy, the woman I cat sit for, had gastric bypass surgery on the 5th.  Mom said I should talk to her about weight stuff since she piled on weight after her hysterectomy.  I told Mom I've been walking and counting calories, and that lap band won't be an option until I get my hysterectomy paid off.  I've only got 775 bucks left on that bitch.

I probably went over 2000 calories a day this weekend, but I walked for an hour last night.  I need to add weight training back in the mix to really kick my metabolism into gear.
After my walk last night my back hurt so bad.  It's such a piece of shit.  I did a little stretching but it kept locking up so I just gave up.  I keep wondering if some physical therapy could help, but I don't know how close I am to my deductible on my insurance, or if it would even be covered.  I'll have to talk to my doctor at my appointment on the 22nd.  Maybe she can give me some stretches to start off with, I don't know.
I need some pain killers, but there's got to be other things I can do.  I don't approve of the way my dad is so addicted to pain killers, but I can see how it would happen.  When my back and/or shoulder hurt I can't think, I can't concentrate, I just want the pain to go away and I'll do anything to make it stop.  If someone offers me a pain pill, doesn't matter what kind, I'll take it.  OTC shit doesn't work.  I was that way before my hysterectomy.  I'd do anything to make that nauseating pain go away.  I kept calling the doctor, asking for something stronger.  I didn't care if I was loopy,  as soon as it kicked in, I could take a deep breath and go about my business.  Nathan's been giving me his Darvocet, which I mentioned before.  I don't care if it's not my prescription.  It makes the pain stop.  I'm worried I'll come off as a drug seeker if I ask the doctor for something.  I don't want to be like my dad.  I guess all I can do is be totally honest with the doctor.  Same with the weight shit.

Cheaters Never Win

Ok, I'm just going to have to chalk today up as a cheat day.
I'm still counting my calories, but I've had too many.  Some asshole brought cake in today as a going away thing for one of the admins.
I binged on sugar free pudding before work as well, but I made damn sure to write the calories down.
I had to estimate for the cake.  Hopefully I overestimated.  I had a piece, then went back and got two more pieces, didn't get all the way through them before I had to run off to the can with the trots.  Spent 30 minutes shitting, came back to my desk and threw the cake away.  A little later I went back for a small piece.
I had a couple small pieces of breakfast pizza too.
I'm guessing the cake was maybe 1000 caloires???
I looked up some numbers online which gave me my estimate.
So I think I'm at around 2200 for the day.
If I want anything else today it's going to have to be diet pop or pickles.
I finally have a free weekend, so tomorrow I want to do some kick boxing and some walking.
I guess the important thing right now is not to beat myself up for going a couple hundred calories over my goal.  If I get down on myself, I'll be back to binging as soon as I get home.  I will be ok.  I will remain on the wagon.
This will work.  

Feelin' Fine

I have had 2 solid days of good calorie counting and exercise, and I'm halfway through the 3rd day.  I feel good about myself.  I have to go to the doctor on the 22nd, and I'm sure I'll get a weight lecture, but at least I can tell her I've started counting calories and am shocked my own self at my new found chunkiness.  Maybe she'll have some insight or advice.  I also need to see if she can give me something for my shoulder pain.
Sara and I went for a walk around Gray's Lake this morning and I felt like I needed someone to put me in a wheelbarrow to make it around.  The ankle I rolled was really bothering me, my back hurt, and my shoulder was throbbing.  When I got home I did several stretches so my back feels better.  My ankle still feels stiff, but there's really nothing I can do about that.  My shoulder, on the other hand, is still throbbing.  I've been to the chiro several times for it but it's not getting any better.  I didn't do anything to it that I recall, it just hurts all the time.  There's always a dull ache and I get this shooting pain down my arm.  The muscle is agonizingly tight.  Nathan gave me one of the Darvocets he got for his neck pain and it hasn't even taken the edge off.  I've taken a muscle relaxer, the Darvocet, and 3 aspirin today and it doesn't feel any better.  It wakes me up at night so I'm exhausted and don't want to get up in the morning.

God I want some pudding.

Totals

I ended the day at 2051 calories.  I walked down to Nathan's apartment and then back up the hill before I went to bed, which I'm sure barely burned anything, but I like to think it might have taken care of that extra 51.  I'd have been alright if I didn't have that fiber bar, but, c'est la vie.  Just over 2000 is better than 3 or 4 thousand.  My goal is to stay just below 2000, preferably around 1800.  I can go from there.  I'm going around Gray's Lake with Sara at 11 am today, so that will get me some exercise.

I ended the day feeling pretty good about myself.  I didn't feel particularly hateful toward myself, so all in all, well done me.

Second Day of Counting

It's 10pm and I'm at 1311 calories for the day.
I'm starving, but I can still have 500 more calories, so I should be good.
Did anyone know there are 300 calories in a goddamn cup of peanuts???  Popcorn is only like, 20 calories a cup.  I feel less bad about my late night popcorn binges.

Well Done, Sir!

Today was a good day!  I have ended the day at 1830 calories.  The online calculator said I had to eat 2500 calories to stay at my current weight, so if I'm trying to lose, 1800 to 2000 seems like a reasonable place to start.  My goal is to get comfortable with 1600 calories, then move down to 1200.  We'll see how that goes.

I also went for a 45 minute walk around Sherman Hill and did some stretching when I got home.  I would say that burned 100, maybe 200 calories, so my total for the day should be like, 1700?  I used my shake weight a little at work, but I don't think I get much benefit from it.  It felt good to be out of my office chair, meandering around town with some super sweet tunes rockin' in my ears.  It was absolutely gorgeous weather as well, so the whole night made me feel good.  I had to head home after my ankle started to really bother me.

I think I can do this.  If I can keep track of my calories and my activities, I think I can make this happen.  Get myself under control without surgery.  The key will be to not get discouraged.
This is going to be a LOOONG journey, an epic quest.  If I can keep up with these good habits, I imagine I'll see progress in several months, and a definite difference after a year.  Just be patient.  Patient, patient, patient.  Sooo patient.

Now that I feel better about the day, I'm ready to say something nice about myself.  I am persistent, tenacious even.  I am bullheaded, and although that can really work against me, I think I have the power... I KNOW I have the power to reign in my stubborn, insubordinate nature and use it for good instead of evil.

Poop

How are you supposed to count calories in something that is homemade??  I just had some soup that Nathan made that had 4 different kinds of beans, carrots, hamburger, pasta, and some other veggies.  I had a hunk of bread with it, which I'm going to guess was maybe 300 or 400 calories, but what the hell was the soup?  I'm going to call it 300 or 400 as well and give it 700 calories.

That puts me at 1250 for the day.  I feel nice and full but I'll be hungry when I get home from work.  I think some Jello sugar free pudding might be in order.  It's only 60 calories a cup!  I could have several!
Don't judge me for getting excited about pudding.  It is my everything.

Calories Are Our Friends

Day one of calorie counting.  What a pain in the ass.  I always forget there's stuff in other stuff.
I had a Slim Fast for breakfast and thought I was only at 200 calories, but  the soy milk I put it in has 80, and the flax meal I put in has 60.  This is probably why I'm obese.  I lose track.
How many calories should I be eating??  I feel like I should only have 1200, but 1600 to 2000 is probably a lot more reasonable.

So currently I'm at 350 and it's 4 in the afternoon.  This may be why I gorge at night.  I don't eat enough throughout the day.  I'd better get it figured out, because I'm not going to consider a lap band until my hysterectomy is paid off.  Maybe by then I'll have this walking joke of a body under control.
As it is my dress fitting for Dee's wedding is December 4th, and I'm pretty sure they're going to have to special order a shit ton of fabric to get this clunker covered up.

Oh shit, I'm supposed to say something positive about myself.  Uhhhh...... fuck it.  I can't think of anything right now.

The Stigma

I just said something at work about liking to kick box.  The guy next to me goes, "really?  You kick box?"
I'm pretty sure what he meant was, "what?  You're much too fat to enjoy any kind of fitness activity."

A Compliment Sandwich

I'm going to follow Stewie Griffin's example and make myself a compliment sandwich.

The compliment bread:
When I was finished straightening my hair last night, I looked in the mirror and though, "goddamn, I've got pretty nice eyes and a fabulous bone structure."

The critical smoked turkey, lettuce, red pepper, and pesto:
At what point do I ask for help?  When do I decide that the things I'm doing aren't working and look into alternatives, like a lap band procedure?  How far do I let this go?
I'm torn.  It's been a year since my surgery.  In this year I've put on 60 pounds.  I feel like the control I have over my weight gain is limited.  I can monitor my eating.  I can exercise.  I can take my hormones.  What else am I supposed to do?  I did Farrell's in an attempt to really kick my body into gear, but my starting weight was 205, and by the end of the 10 week session I was 230.  I know I built a lot of muscle, but 25 pounds of muscle?  I'm not that much of an ox.
I also still feel just, out of whack since my surgery.  Wild body temperature changes and insane bouts of profuse sweating, headaches, forgetfulness (more than usual), etc.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take that surgery back for anything, but I keep wondering if things are still getting sorted out in this big meat sack I call a body.  Am I supposed to just give it more time?  December 4th will be the one year anniversary for my surgery.  I've read it can take over a year for your body to figure out what it's doing again.  Am I just being overly sensitive and panicky for nothing?

All these stupid weight loss articles and success stories I read say, make little changes and it will help in big ways.  Should I just keep at what I'm doing now?  It seems like my little changes are getting me absolutely nowhere.  Even my big changes are failing.  How am I suppose to figure out when to say enough, and look into more serious options?  I read insurance will cover lap band surgery if your BMI is under 38 and you have at least 2 weight related health issues.  If you have no weight related health issues, your BMI has to be over 40.  My BMI is 40.2 and so far I have no weight related health issues, but it's not something I'm going to brag or be cocky about. Diabetes and heart disease are rampant in my family and I'm terrified that each of them is lurking around a fatty corner.

Just when I think I should run to the doctor's office requesting a gut clamp, I see some story on TV or on the internet about some ex fat schlub that changed their life with a few "simple" changes.   I happened to catch a Dr. Oz clip while I was at home this morning, and saw this large woman, bigger than me, that had lost 200 pounds by dancing around.  Not intense, high impact dancing, just simple, fun moves.  If she was in the kitchen cooking, she would dance around.  If she was  home watching TV, she'd dance around.  She said she just had to commit herself to moving around more.  I thought she looked fabulous, despite her bigness.  She was so sexy when she was dancing around, showing the audience some moves, and she radiated confidence.  She made me feel like I should have more hope and give myself more time.  I like to walk, I take the stairs, I don't drive around looking for the closest parking spot I can get, (usually), I kick box when my neighbors aren't being assholes about the noise.  If I need to dance around more, I know Tessa would be more than willing to have late night dance parties with me.

I know I'm being impatient, but I hate the way my body feels right now.  I hate that my top belly roll gets in the way when I'm bending over to put on my shoes, or just trying to stretch.  I hate the way I can feel the bulges under my bra touch my waist.  I hate how I can't trim my pubes anymore because my bottom belly roll gets in the way of my vaginal line of site, (god bless my bikini waxing lady).  I hate the way I have to powder under all my various bulges so I don't end up with a nasty heat rash.  I hate the way my boobs always feel like they're being shoved up into my neck because my gut is too big.  I hate the way I can feel fat touch the top of my had when I put my hands on my hips.  I hate that I hate my body.

The second slice of compliment bread:
I have a fabulous, easy going personality.  I know I can be obnoxious and overbearing or just ditzy sometimes, but I have an intrinsic way of making people feel at ease.  If I can make someone feel a bit calmer or more comfortable with me, I'm more comfortable with myself.  Whether it's a stranger on the phone, or a clerk at the grocery store, I can empathize with all kinds of people and situations.  Unless they're jerks, or happen to look at me funny.

A Positive Spin

My gal pal Shari just gave me an excellent suggestion.  I should make a positive comment about myself in this blog, as well as voicing my concerns and frustrations.

So, today I think my hair looks full and sexy, and this little curl is kind of spiraling around my left eye in a playfully seductive kind of way.  I think it's pretty hot.
Also, this eggplant colored shirt I got at Target looks smashing on me.  It makes my eyes and my hair really stand out, and it's the perfect combination of form fitting and loose to give me a full, but hourglass-y look.  Oh, and my tits look hot.  My feet look pretty good, too.  I filed them last night and moisturized the shit out of them.

I picked up some Little Caesar's for supper.  A medium pizza and an order of bread sticks.  I had 2 pieces of pizza and 3 bread sticks.  I've been know to eat half the pizza and all the bread sticks, so kudos to me.  It's still sitting here on my desk, box open, smelling cheesy, but I don't want it.  I can't eat anything for the rest of the day anyway since I have to fast for my blood test tomorrow.  Also I just feel queasy.  I blame the election of Rand Paul for that.  No amount of Pepto or Gaviscon could fix that bit of idiocy.

Hunger Pains

I'm fucking hungry as hell right now.  At noon I had a Slim Fast with some flax meal and Benefiber mixed in.  Then I had a Naked Green Machine.  I'm drinking a cherry coke zero right now, and had a single serving of peanut butter m&m's as a snack.  Calories add up really fucking fast.  I feel like I should only have like, 500-900 calories, but 2000 is recommended.  I saw this show about a woman that had weight issues similar to mine and had gastric bypass.  After the surgery she was only eating about 600 calories a day.  According to my rough calculations, I've had about 800 so far today.  I get way too hungry to live on that few.  Right now I feel like I'm about to puke I'm so hungry.  I don't want to have a big surgery again.  It's so expensive, but trying to do that extreme of a cut back without some kind of stomach alteration is rough.

Damn it Feels Good to be Medicated

I haven't blogged in a couple of days, but don't worry, it's not from lack of struggling with eating!

I just had a nice 3 day weekend with my lover and didn't really go near a computer.

I've been a real bitch the past few days but finally got my thyroid refilled and feel better.  Less tired, less bitchy.  I just got my estrogen refilled too, and am getting blood taken tomorrow to check my levels.  My body temp has been a wild roller coaster since I ran out a couple weeks ago, so I should start feeling better soon.  I get migraines way too often when my hormones are low.  I have to take Imitrex like goddamn candy.
I need to get to my regular doctor and my psych doctor.  Maybe they'll have some insight as to what I can do for my weight.  I know a few of my medications cause weight gain, so maybe switching those up could help.  I don't know. Plus I won't have insurance for much longer and need to get checkups in before I start living under a bridge, binging on pizza crusts and shoe leather.

I didn't have any real revelations this weekend.  I went for a walk on Friday night, up and down the big hill in Sherman Hill.  I thought I was going to die on my 3rd lap, but I was glad I was doing it.
I want to get out the bag and box, but I need to go to the chiro.  My shoulder is killing me.
I went to a wedding with Nathan on Saturday and was standing around in heels for about an hour.  The ankle I rolled during Farrell's started swelling up and it still hurts, so I don't know if kick boxing is such a great idea right now.  My body is a broken wasteland.
I sucked it up and got on the scale the other day.  I've been avoiding scales like the plague.  I'm terrified of the number, and my fears were confirmed when I stepped on.  A big fat 250 staring back at me.  This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What the hell is going on with my body???
I just keep gaining weight.  What am I supposed to do?
I always get excited when I see weight loss drugs in the store, or hear ads on the radio or TV, but I stop myself and think, "no, that shit doesn't work."
I have these lingering thoughts of gastric bypass or lap band surgery.  Would insurance cover that?  Is that something that's even right for me?  I don't know, but I feel so hopeless.  I went to Target this weekend and picked up some new T-shirts, since all the ones I have now feel too small.  I'm getting 2X to 3X.  It's embarrassing.
I was making an xbox 360 avatar at Nathan's last night and kept thinking, "my character doesn't look fat enough, but this is all the bigger it will let me make it."
I really shouldn't dwell on this so much, but I find it permeates all my thoughts.  I'm more than just my body.  I have a great personality, I'm talented, a good friend, a good person, (sometime).  I have a lot to offer.  Why can't I just be happy?  I'm sure if I'd just stop dwelling on this it wouldn't be so fucking hard.  Today I looked in the mirror and didn't feel as disgusted as I usually do.  I really like this new shirt I got and I think I look relatively good in it.  I just have this obsession about looking like everyone else.  Part of it is what I see on TV, what I see in magazines, what I see in movies.  I know it's bunk, but I still worry that I don't look good enough.  It's stupid.  This is the shit I rail against.  Don't tell me who to be, don't tell me what to look like, don't tell me what to do.
I didn't shave my legs for 10 years because I was fighting the beauty standard. I don't buy fancy pants clothes for the same reason.  I shave my head in college for fuck's sake. Why do I feel like I have to fit in when it comes to my body?  Well goddamnit, it's about time I stop.  It's exhausting.  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel good, and everyone that has a problem with it can kiss the fattest part of my ass.

A Picture's Worth a 1000 Pounds

I try to avoid having my picture taken when I think I'm fat, but tonight I was carving a pumpkin for a contest at work and a co-worker took my picture.  I thought I was going to cry.  My arms look like big pink pillow cases full of cookie dough.

That's all.

Baby Steps

Little victories give me hope in this body full of despair.

I had to stop and get gas this morning before work and hadn't eaten breakfast, so I got a diet Sierra Mist, a protein bar, a sandwich and some pineapple.  I ate the protein bar in the car and felt full, but I had the urge to grab the sandwich and eat that too, but I resisted.  I didn't eat it until I was starving.
I'm hungry again now, and should have my pineapple, but I'm elbow deep in pumpkin, trying to defend my first place title for the competition here at work.

Piss and Shit

I'm just going to make this a running post.  Noting shit as I go through the day.

So far this day has been stupid.  I got up at 11:40, put on my wraps and gloves and made an attempt at working out.  I was going to do it last night but I went to bed early.
I barely got my heart rate up and didn't even break a sweat before I just felt like quitting.  Usually I work through that feeling, but I've been depressed all week and it just wasn't happening for me.  Also my back and shoulder hurt from falling asleep on the couch and I could barely throw a punch.  I opted for some half assed stretching, then just laid on the floor until 12:40.  I got in the shower, laid around some more after, and left for work late.
I'm sure this depressed and lethargic feeling is because I haven't had my estrogen or thyroid in a couple of weeks.  I finally got them called in and just took my thyroid.  Estrogen should be ready tomorrow.

Everything at work is pissing me off.  EVERYTHING.  Walking in the door I automatically felt mad.  I wish I had some booze.
I checked my email and saw this stupid new procedure we're all supposed to follow, saying something like, "it's absolutely imperative that troubleshooting done through the chat client is now copied and pasted in your tickets."
What the fuck for???  We're here for 2 more months, and the Arkansas guys barely put any notes in their tickets.  This is just pointless fucking busy work so Julie (my supervisor) can look like she's actually doing something productive.  Plus, I always swear in chat and bad mouth the company and our products.  Now I can't and that irritates me.

A little later on I hear Drew, one of the other techs and the most manipulative bully I've ever met, telling one of the senior techs that a customer's service won't work because there are loads on the pair.  (That's just DSL talk, so nevermind what it means).  Drew just kept going on and on about what needed fixed in the field.  I kept thinking, "you have no idea you stupid fucker, when have you ever done install-repair shit?"
Eventually my other supervisor, Dan, told Drew that's not at all how it worked.  Dan used to be a local area manager and handled all the IR stuff.  Drew goes, "oh, well, I didn't know that."
THAT'S RIGHT YOU INSUFFERABLE OAF, YOU DIDN'T KNOW, SO KEEP YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH SHUT.

Then Julie comes over to my desk to ask me if I'm attending the 2 day resume seminar.  I looked at her and said, "whatever, no, I'm not.  I don't need you or this place to tell me how to do a resume."  And I don't.  That's what my older sister is for.  She's better and more helpful than anyone else, and she knows me.
So EAT SHIT Windstream.

After that I got a call from this lady named Sheryl that's in charge of some resale service we have in Montezuma.  None of those customers are in our ticketing system and we don't have access to any of their equipment, so I had sent a message to the engineers upstairs through chat.  Drew saw my chat and comes over and says, "Sheryl should be able to help you with any Montezuma problems."  So I say "yeah, I know, I'm on the phone with her."  Then he says, "she should have all the shelf and port information in front of her if you need that stuff."  So again, I'm like, "yeah, I know, the port isn't the issue."  Like a jackass, he keeps pushing, and says "well what is the problems then?"  Finally I just muted my phone and said "do you know how to fucking butt out???"  He waddled back over to his cubicle and left me alone after that.  Moron. Stay the fuck away from me.

When All of Your Wishes Are Granted, Many of Your Dreams Will Be Destroyed

I'm sitting here at work, bored out of my skull.  Since most stuff has been moved over to Windstream in Arkansas, there's just not much to do.  The occasional escalated ticket or static order comes through, but mostly this job is just wasting my time.  I want to go back to school for mortuary science, but school feels daunting and starting a new job feels daunting.  All of these descriptions are so specific.  "Looking for a self starter," "looking for a highly motivated individual."  Blah blah BLAH.
I guess it's important to remember that these ads are bullshit.  They should read, "looking for some poor bastard to show up and get paid to be miserable."  Buzz words.  Nothing but buzz words.
I'm trying to figure out my life and I just feel confused and goddamn aggravated.
How the hell am I supposed to live?  Pay my bills?  Pay my rent?  Get my meds?
So I'm depressed and tired.

I remember having this crisis when I graduated college.  I get really annoyed when I'm not allowed to buck the system and have my way.  Give me my pills for free.  Have rich celebrities pay off my student loans, my car, and my credit card.  Do it.  Do it NOW.
I'm also dragging ass at work.  I had the flu a week or so ago and am still fighting it.  I have a raging sinus headache so I took some Nyquil.  I didn't have anything else in my desk, so I'm dozing off in front of my screen.
So.... I'm pissed off, tired, and feeling hopeless.

The Wedding Singer

In my last post I think I talked about my conflicting hate and compassion I feel toward my dad.

After Tawny's wedding on Saturday my aunt came up to me sobbing.  This was at the reception so I was embarrassed.  She told me Dad went home crying and that I needed to call him.  Being an idiot I went outside and called him.  Bastard used up all my minutes.  I asked him why he wasn't at the reception, supporting his niece.  He went off on this rant, saying that we all made it perfectly clear we didn't want him there.  I reminded him that I was very welcoming, so was Squirt. 
He started going on about how Squirt couldn't keep her mouth shut, and how she probably has crabs and is spreading them all over Chicago.  I felt like I was going to puke.  Then he kept on, saying all his misery was Mom's fault, and that if she'd kept HER mouth shut, they'd still be together, and that when he punched her he didn't even leave a mark.  I was there asshole, I saw the goddamn bruise. 
I hung up.  He was pissing me off and wasting all my minutes. 
I used to be terrified of him.  When I got to high school I picked fights with him.  On one occasion he told me to get out of the goddamn house and sleep in the barn.  My mom was pulling on my arm, trying to keep me calm, but I said, "why don't you get off your fat ass and make me you sack of shit?"  I think he was so shocked he ended up just dropping it. 
Now.....  I don't confront him, I don't really mouth off, I just try to keep the peace.  I don't know why it's hard for me to say, "you bruised her you asshole, you scarred her for life, and if you ever talk about Squirt like that again I'll shove a rattlesnake up your ass."  It's what I was thinking for crying out loud. 

Anyway, I went back into the reception but was pissed off, so Squirt and her boyfriend Nick and I left.  When we got to Mom's condo, Squirt said she couldn't go back to Chicago with animosity, so she got in her car to go over to Dad's.  Nick offered to go with her, and I wanted to go as well, with my overactive protective thing I've got going on.  She wouldn't let us go with her, so Nick and I went up to the condo and sat.  I started to pace and sent Tyne a text, telling her Squirt went over to Dad's by herself and I didn't feel good about it considering all the shit he was saying to me on the phone about her.  When Mom and Tyne and B-Rye got back from the reception, Mom and I went over to Dad's to make sure everything was alright.  They were sitting at the table talking when I got there, so that horrible sick feeling that I had went away.  I stayed with her until we left, Mom went home at Dad's request. 
The talk involved the usual bullshit.  Squirt called him out on lying, he backpedaled, then said he was trying to change, but you can't believe a word he says.  Ever.  

When I got back to Des Moines I ran around the apartment, cleaning, organizing, feng shui'ing.  I felt ill but I couldn't stay still.  Eventually I binged on mac and cheese and went to bed. 

I need to watch it today since I binged, but that shouldn't be too hard since I still have this worked up sick feeling.  I'm going to give myself some leeway here since I had to deal with all that asshattery.

Into the Lion's Den

This has been a helluva week.  It's not over yet.

My boyfriend's grandfather died.  He'll be leaving for Illinois for the funeral on Monday.  I felt bad for him so I did something I never do, which is bow to domestication and make him dinner.  I think I did a great job.  Homemade mac and cheese, (recipe from Alton Brown), burgers I made with beef and a packet of onion soup mix, fresh cornbread, and some cookies, as well as an expensive bottle of POM Wonderful.  I can identify with losing a loved one, but I have a hard time saying the right things, so I try to make up for this inadequacy by buying things for the person, or in this case, cooking and a foot rub.

When we were eating my awesome home cooked meal, I kept thinking of this weekend, my cousin's wedding, and the crazy family I'd have to see.

After lunch I was supposed to head straight to Grinnell so I could work on the set for the high school, but I laid on the couch and went to sleep.  I woke up at 4, panicked, got in the shower, then drove like a bat out of hell to Grinnell.  I feel bad for not painting since I told Mike I would, but I felt kinda depressed about having to see Dad, and I felt depressed for Nathan.  Science knows I escape through sleep.

Tyne and I had a nice rehearsal, although this 2 year old was crawling all over me and I ended up with her on my lap and then had to help her go potty.  I think my hatred of children has diminished a bit since I know I can't have any.
After rehearsal I saw my dad walk in.  I barely recognized him.  He's lost a TON of weight and he seemed like just a wisp compared to the hulking beast I used to be terrified of.
I gave him a hug and said hi, but my older sister was cold to him.  My big and little sisters aren't speaking to him due to an altercation involving booze and my aunt's face getting pulverized.

There were some raised voices at one point, when Tyne said she didn't want to talk about anything during the rehearsal, as this day is supposed to be about my cousin.  Dad got kind of loud and said, "fine, if that's the way you want to be about it, I don't give a shit."  I try to be the buffer for everyone that doesn't get along.  I've done it since I was little.  I want everyone in the family to get along.
Later I went over to his place and actually had a fun time talking with him, my aunt, and my pseudo uncle.  I ended up staying 2 hours, which was bad for my lungs, since they all chain smoke, but good for them I think, since they are sad, lonely, damaged people.
My sister was pissed at me for spending so much time over there, but..... it's complicated.  It's so goddamn complicated.

I remember all the shit he did, I remember the bruise on my mom's face the day we left to move in with my uncle Tom, I remember my burning hatred and my quiet move to get a baseball bat before Mom came down to tell me to pack up.  Dad had fallen asleep on the couch after he punched her and this left him vulnerable to a bludgeoning.  Alas, I was scolded and told to get moving, so his head remained in tact.
 
The time I spent growing up with him turned my fear into hostility.  I was always terrified of his temper when I was little.  As I got older, I got more pissed off, and he didn't seem so big and scary anymore.  Close to the time of the divorce I would pick fights with him.  I wanted to fight him.  I don't know if I wanted him to beat the shit out of me, because his attention would be drawn from my mom and sisters, or if I wanted to beat the shit out of him.  A little of both I think.  It may sound strange, but if you've ever grown up with abuse, you may know what I'm talking about.  After the divorce I just nursed my ire and didn't interact with him for 2 years.  When he'd call I'd simply say, "burn in hell," and hang up the phone.
So these memories haven't gone anywhere.  Some of them I've repressed, but I know, damnit.  I know.

I had this long talk with my mom in the bathroom about why I go over there still, (the best place to have long discussions is ALWAYS the bathroom).  I still go over and see him.  I'm nice to him.  Despite everything, I'm nice to him.
I spent 2 hours there, which was why my sister was pissed.  My mom called a couple of times just to make sure I was alright.  I was fine, but there's not a good history of me or my sisters going over there for whatever reason.  One Thanksgiving a couple years ago my little sister went over and my dad pulled out a gun.  She freaked out and left.  Also there was the time I was picking a fight with my bigoted grandfather, called him a motherfucker, and he tried to punch me.  Strangely enough, my dad was defensive and threw a punch at him to keep him away from me.  I thought I'd get beaten for doing that, later at home, but my dad was more angry with my grandpa for trying to hit one of his kids.

This...... this is where all this complication comes from.  My friends and a lot of my family don't understand why I go over there.  I feel torn.  I feel hate, such intense hate.  But it's marbled with pity and understanding.

Mom and I were discussing the complication of emotion and logic trying to inhabit the same brain, my brain.
When I think of my dad, I first and foremost think of all the bad shit he's ever done to me, and the people I care about.  Then I kind of drift off and think about what he must feel now.  He's lost everything.  His wife, his kids, his job, his friends.  He did it to himself, but it's all gone.  He has nothing but pills now.  I understand the feeling of being high on pain killers.  I went through it when I was taking Tylenol 4 before my surgery.  I'd be having a shitty day at work, I would have horrible cramping pain, so I'd pop a pill and get that wonderful feeling.  You don't feel the pain anymore, but you also get high.  Suddenly the bad day seems not so bad and you kind of feel like you love everyone.  Until it wears off, everything is okay.  When it does wear off, you want another one.  So I understand.  I get it.
What I wasn't completely understanding is why he would need to seek out pain pills so young.  He didn't get addicted after the divorce, he got addicted when he was in his 20's.
So I said this to Mom.  She started talking about the way he grew up.  My grandma tried her best, and my satanic grandpa tried his best.  Although I'm pretty sure he didn't.  My grandpa grew up with a family that essentially ignored him.  Something about a twin in the family was killed, and after that he was left to fend for himself since the others in the family were grief stricken... or something.  Bottom line is, he had no support, no love.  He ends up passing this onto my dad and aunt.  My aunt was spoiled, and my dad was ignored.  He was never encouraged, was often beaten, and on top of it all, had undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  I knew some of this story, but Mom kinda spelled it out a little more for me, and suddenly I could see why pain killers would be such a relief.
Throw a burgeoning family into the mix, a stressful job, and a surmounting mental disorder, and you've got the makings of a terrifying, abusive father.
If I just go back far enough and look at the big picture...... I can't help but feel pity.  Shit happened to me, shit happened to my mom and sisters, but we overcame it.  He was never able to overcome it.  My grandpa couldn't overcome it.  These are mentally ill, lonely people, looking for an escape.  There is a serious vein of weakness in my family, but there's an equally large vein of strength. Some of us have managed to live normal lives.  We are the strong ones.

So I'm sitting with my mom, in the bathroom still, and I just start to cry.  Not really bawling or anything, just crying.  And I say, "I can't place all the blame and all my hate on him, when he's lost everything he loves, and is left with pills.  He did it to himself, but I think he had a little help from the people that raised him.  If I can go over there occasionally, and make his day a bit brighter, maybe there's a tiny bit of hope for him, and for me as I try to heal from his abuse and conquer my emotional eating.  Maybe."

If you talk to my dad now, he has a bit of a crazy look in his eyes.  You can tell something isn't right with him.  It's in the way he interacts with people.  He is the epitome of selfishness.  Talking with him tonight, he just talked nonsense.  He went on about how doctors told him he was a miracle, because during his heart surgery they witnessed an artery healing itself, right there on the operating table.  And that he'd been in the American Journal of Medicine three times since doctors keep writing about how he spontaneously regenerates.  He told me we're related to some woman who had showdowns with Jesse James, and out shot him every time.  He said he was good friends with Jim Belushi.  He told me he's best friends with the owner of the largest funeral home in Iowa when I mentioned my interest in mortuary science. He rambled on about all these famous people he was friends with.  It was the spewings of a man that has repressed all things having to do with reality.  His reality is so painful, so tragic, that he has just chosen not to recognize that that's his situation.  He was talking about a new motorcycle he bought, and how he was making some modifications to it.  He was doing this in a large garage where a lot of guys work on their cars, and he said to me, "I am a GOD to them."
That phrase sort of says it all.  Hell, if my life were hopelessly tragic and lonely, I would probably develop a fantasy world where I am friends with rich and famous people, and they all worship me.  He is insane.  But I think he's insane for a good reason.  I don't think it's much different than people trading in their current realities to play WOW, or even Farmville.  "My real farm is sitting outside, but I like this farm better."  Or that couple from the news that had a newborn baby they neglected until it died.  They neglected it because they were online, raising a simulated baby.

This is why I talk to him.  This is why I am kind to him now.  I can see him as a weak, broken man.  Even if it's self made, I can understand.  I'm the only real, tangible thing he's got left now.  To abandon him would make me a monster, and I can't stomach that.

Geezy Creezy

I'm bored at work.  Nothing really challenging to do or think about.  Maybe my desire to go to school for mortuary science is a better idea than I thought.  I would be challenged and would have things on my mind other than snacking.  Arteries and veins and chemicals and biohazards and mortality.  Yeah, I think this may be a good idea.

Clavicles

I just went to the restroom here at work and realized, while washing my hands, that I can't see my collar bones anymore.  My collar bones are one of my favorite parts of my body.  My hair, teeth, calves, and collar bones.  My hair and teeth remain the same, but my collar bones have nearly disappeared and I've noticed some cellulite on my calves. I am taking a deep breath.  A big, deep breath.  Little steps.  Don't freak out.  It will take time.  Give it time.  Lots of time.  Why does it have to take so long??  I feel so disgusted with myself right now.  I just want to wrap myself in a tarp and give up on trying to look nice.  Or maybe get a hijab so people can only see my eyes.  My eyes are relatively attractive, I think.

I've done alright today.  I had some fiber one cereal and 2 mini peanut butter cups.  I felt kinda hungry a while ago so I had a Kashi Go Lean fiber and protein bar.  I'm sipping water and diet cherry Pepsi right now, thinking about my missing collar bones.  They're under there.  I hope to see them again someday.  I feel like a parent with a kidnapped child.  I should make a plea on a local television station.  Please bring my collar bones home!

Fat Isn't Cheap

I realized tonight I have a couple weddings to go to in the next couple of weeks.  This has thrown me into a panic.  The first wedding is for my cousin.  I will be singing with my big sister, in front of everyone I know.  I already have imagined what each of them will be saying.  "Oh my god, look at Tiffini, she's gotten so big." With the exception of my dad and grandpa before he became a rotting corpse, my family is very supportive and would never actually say those things to me, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way.

I took to the internets to find some clothes.  I've been buying them in spurts since I essentially have had to replace my entire wardrobe with bigger clothes.  Bras, underwear, work clothes, jeans..... EVERYTHING.  It is mother fucking expensive.  I'm not the most fashionable person in the world, but I know what I like, and some of the stuff on these plus size sites is just awful.  God awful.  The stuff that is pretty cute is so much money.  I'm embarrassed at how much money I've put on my credit card buying clothes that will fit my bulbous figure.  I almost had a heart attack when I saw my credit card statement.  How funny and tragic that would have been.  Tiffini, dead of a heart attack caused by the shock of seeing the bill for her fat clothes.  Poor dear would have died from heart disease anyway.
So now I'm looking for ways I can bring a little more money in.  Selling some of my artwork, maybe a part time job, perhaps turning tricks for the chubby chasers out there.

The hardest part about all of this is, the second wedding I have to go to is for a friend of my boyfriend.  He wants his friends and family to meet me.  I would like to look nice.  I would like his friends and family to look at me and think, "oh wow, what a beautiful girl, Nathan has really done well for himself."  I am terrified the opposite is going to happen.  They all wonder what this nice young man is doing with a curly haired whale.  What is she doing out of the water?  Should someone alert Sea World?  Is there a marine biologist in the house???
I know that he loves me and is crazy about me, but I don't feel good about my body, and I can't get passed this feeling that he has to settle for a blob with a nice personality.  I worry about sex.  Is it good for him?  He says it is, but I can't help noticing the cellulite on my thighs when my legs are in the air, or the way my ass and my belly wiggle in the throws of passion.  It's embarrassing.  Way more embarrassing than talking about it on here.  Is he wishing I were someone else?  Are these just pity fucks?  Or desperation lays?  After growing weary of jerking off, the move is made on the pudgy girlfriend.  She'll be better than the hand at least for tonight.
Please, PLEASE don't think these are things he's said to me.  He's only ever given me the impression that he loves me and loves having sex with me, fat or no fat, and that he thinks I am beautiful.  These thoughts are my own insecurities, clawing their way from my toes, up to my mind so they can grow in the sunlight.  Nasty little fuckers. 
I will occasionally ask for reassurance on my looks, but I try not to do it too much.  How obnoxious to have an insecure girlfriend constantly begging for compliments.  I always avoid the trap questions, like, does this make my butt look big.  I already know my ass is fat, I don't need someone to lie to me and say, "oh no, you look like a supermodel."  Whatever.  We all know that's a lie.

Right now I'm trying to overcome this feeling that I might as well not even try to look presentable.  I see very well groomed fat women all over the place, and I think they look great in their fat chic clothes and cute hairstyles and makeup.  Why are they different from me?  They look amazing, but in regards to myself, I don't see how makeup will help at all.  It may make my face look pretty, but what is it doing for my grotesque  hips?  I need to go get a bikini wax, but what does it matter that my lady bits are groomed and sexy if right above them is a stretched out, sweaty fat roll?  Why should I style my hair?  Why should I paint my nails?  Why should I even shower when I wake up?  I'll still be obese that day, and that's all I can notice, even if the rest of the world thinks this grooming makes me look sharp.