Problems, Problems, Problems

So I finally got some pain killers for my back, which has GREATLY improved my ability to function at work.  Now my feet are an issue.  I've got large blisters on my little toes, my arches, and my heels, and now the second toes on both of my feet have developed these weird numb spots.  They aren't callused, they're just numb.  I actually just stuck a needle into one of them because I thought maybe there was a really deep blister, like on my arches, but the needle just kept going in and I didn't feel anything and no liquid came out.  I'm not sure how to fix this.  I ordered some diabetic shoes that have a stretchy toe box, so hopefully those will help.  I also bought some moleskin and blister protector things.  I guess we'll see.

Here's a picture of one of my blisters!  It's huge!

Long Time No See

I haven't updated forever, which sucks because quite a bit has been going on.  I'll try to keep this short.

I'm going through gastric bypass approval stuff for my new insurance company.  I just had an EKG, which was normal, but now I need a chest x-ray, drug test, thyroid test, and another meeting with a surgeon and a month supervised dieting with a nutritionist.  Can I get this done by winter break?  I'm not holding my breath.

I got a new job at Younkers working the Lancome counter.  My first day was Wednesday.  It was actually kind of fun, but my back was KILLING me.  Toward the end of my shift I had to sit down, so I went over to one of the makeover chairs.  As soon as I sat my right hip and lower back went into spasm.  I thought I was going to collapse, but I just clenched the shit out of my teeth.  There was a customer I should have helped, but I couldn't move and couldn't talk, so I pretended I didn't see her.

I went to my family doctor and talked to her about my back again.  I'm already on an anti-inflammatory/analgesic, but it's not cutting the mustard.  I asked for something for the pain, but she just told me to stretch and gave me a referral for physical therapy.  I'm going to take advantage of the physical therapy, but I had to go to another doctor to get pain killers.  I'm not sure why she won't give any to me, but I can't function like this.  Thank goodness I got something from the other doctor. I go back in a month, and if I'm still having issues he'll refer me to a back surgeon to get an MRI and possibly an epidural.  I've already had to miss school activities because of the pain.  I don't want to miss work, especially when I just started.

My back has done this since I was in middle school.  I was dragged by a horse when I was 6, and since then I've been fucked up.  This has kind of been a pattern.  My back does alright, then something aggravates it.  I get pain killers, anti-inflammatories, and do physical therapy, then it gets better.  I already know 3 of my discs are degenerating and bulging.  I go to the chiropractor once a week, but since I'm SO GODDAMN FAT, I'm fighting a losing battle.  This isn't going to get better until I lose weight.

My hot flashes have been HORRIBLE lately.  When I was sitting in the doctor's office, I swear it was 80 degrees.  I had to wait for quite awhile and by the time my appointment was over, I had sweated through my jeans and through the paper on the table.  How embarrassing.

Short Update

Indiegogo is winding down.  Final contribution date is Oct. 1st.  Please, even if it's just 5 bucks, help me.
I'd LOVE to get to 10 grand, but I'd be thrilled with 8 grand.  I'm obviously not going to reach my original goal.  I probably should have set it lower.

THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT DONATED!!!  Your support has meant the world to me.

On a completely separate note, I dyed my hair dark.

Blood Work

Just got some blood work back.  My cholesterol is down 30 points, but it's still a little high.  Some of my liver enzymes are high, which is a first.  I looked some shit up and obesity/fatty liver will cause that.

My migraines have been SIGNIFICANTLY better.  So that's a bit of good news.  Since starting the B2 and magnesium I've only had 3.  That's a huge improvement.

I've started counting carbs again.  I've only been doing it 4 days, but I'm doing well.  No horrible cravings or anything.  I tried making a black bean chocolate cake, which sounds awful, and is, but fights off a junk food craving for only 5 g of carbs and a lot of fiber.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have to re-do a bunch of stuff for the bariatric center under my new insurance.  I have to meet with a dietician and be monitored for a month, I have to meet with a new surgeon since the one I met with last time is leaving in 2 months, I have to fill out their enormous packet again, get more blood work, and a couple other things.

My unemployment is officially up, so I HAVE to get a part time job.  I was dreading this.  Trying to find work when I'm so fat.  My back has been really bad lately.  My chiro says my L5 disc is inflamed, which makes sense since that was one of the 3 that were bulging a few years ago.  My current weight situation will only aggravate that.  I'm terrified I'll only be able to get a job where I'm on my feet all goddamn day, and after a couple of days I'll just give up and die from the pain in my back and feet.  When I was in embalming 1 class I'd be on my feet for 4-5 hours one day a week, and I felt nearly crippled for a couple days after.  Surely an employer wouldn't mind providing a chair for occasional breaks, right?

On an unrelated note, I'm going to dye my hair.  It's not like it will make me look any better, but I need something make me feel better and get my mind off of bullshit.

What A Waste

Thursday was a bad day.  I TRIED to make it a good day.  I really did.  I ran several errands, made contact with other humans...
It all ended in shit, though.  
First the deal with the bariatric center had me all upset.  Then I got a 5 minute rambling message from my aunt after she had to pay a lawyer for some estate stuff.  This isn't all of it, (the VanTomme's are my cousin's in-laws):

"Hey Tiff, aunt Cheri, you bet your ass
I'll tell you what, thanks for loving me like you loved your dad
thank you very very much
but I'll tell you what, the VanTomme's have 1.2 million 
and the will, it's clean and it's clear
I paid 1200 dollars for a lawyer
you're done, you're fucked up, you're fucked
I'll tell you what, thank you very much
how could you treat your dad like this you mother fucker?
Have you got 1.2 million dollars ? The VanTomme's do, and they're on Tawny's side. 
And what we have all that evidence from when Dode was here (Dode is short for Dorabelle, who is my great aunt).
How could you fucking do it? You FUCK. I'll kick your ass
You're done, you son of a bitch, FUCK YOU, you left him with a dying heart
how could you let your dad die with a broken heart?
Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you
Don't ever come around here on the property again, there's a restraining order being processed now for you
Tyne, and Alexis
you came in here and you took things
you didn't read the will, you're fucked
I will take what I have to take and I've got friends up the ass
1800 dollars and I have my friends
Go ahead, sue me, I don't care
1.2 million, do your uncles have it? The VanTomme's have it.
YOU FUCKING FAT ASS FUCK
I'm sorry but what you did to your dad sucked, you son of a bitch
see ya girl, try 1.2 million, got ya, HAHAHA!, got ya!"

That got my guts all up in a knot.  Most of her ramblings didn't make any goddamn sense, but she is on every illegal drug known to man, so that's not a surprise.  I was worried she'd do something to my mom, so I spent 45 minutes trying to get ahold of her.  Her phone was going straight to voicemail so I was freaking out.  Eventually I heard back from her.  She had been in a condo meeting.  

In the middle of all that shit, Nathan came home and wanted to go out to eat.  I was in a terrible mood and my back was hurting, so I asked if we could just call something in and pick it up.  He got all grumpy and stormed out the door.  That pissed me off and I spent about an hour sobbing so hard I thought I would puke.  After I calmed down a bit I went for a drive to clear my head.  Nathan had come back by that time and when I walked in the door he apologized, but I was still pissed and yelled at him not to talk to me.  He went in his room, I stewed for about half an hour, then I went in his room and said sorry and everything was fine. 

Today we went out for supper and we talked about it briefly.  He said he was still upset from my behavior when I was on my little bender.  Then I tried to explain why I was so upset, and broke the news that I felt like cutting myself that night.  He didn't handle that well.  He was like, "I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME AND FIND YOU DEAD ON THE FLOOR!"  So we had to talk more about all of that, which is always uncomfortable for me.  I reassured him I have a well trained team of people that look out for me.  

So as far as the bariatric center, I have to redo several things because it's been a year since I initially put in the request.  I have to get another letter from my psychiatrist, I have to get more blood work, I have to meet with a nutritionist, I have to have another surgeon consult because the original surgeon I met with is leaving in 2 months, I have to have an EKG and I have to take the chip in from my CPAP so they can download the information to make sure I've been using it.  I have a new packet coming in the mail that I have to fill out as well.  

Also, when I talked to the insurance lady, she said my initial claim to Blue Cross was denied BECAUSE MY PSYCH LETTER WAS FROM A NURSE PRACTITIONER, NOT A DOCTOR.  That's it.  That's the reason I'm still waiting.  THERE ARE PSYCHIATRISTS IN THAT OFFICE THAT COULD HAVE SIGNED OFF ON THAT LETTER.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?????!!!!!

Needless to say, I'm fucking stressed out, full of self loathing, and still feeling doomed.  

Oh yeah, and while my indiegogo account is stalled and hasn't had any contributions lately, the Oatmeal has raised another million dollars to build a Tesla museum.  I need that guy to do my PR.  

Untitled

My back is feeling a bit better.  I went to the chiro and she said my L5 disc was inflamed and so were my back muscles.  I've been trying to move around to loosen up the muscles, but it still hurts.  I go back in in an hour for another adjustment.

I also decided to call the bariatric center, even though I'm always terrified of what they'll say.  It's been awhile since I took them my new insurance card and I haven't heard anything.  I was transferred to the insurance lady and she was like, "why do you think the insurance company's answer will be different this time?"  I was like, "uhhh, because it's a completely different company??"  Apparently no one told her I had new insurance.  So once we figured that out she was like, "oh god, give me your number so I can check with you tomorrow!"  Fabulous.  I'm glad I called.
I'm relieved, but I'm also pissed.  I called the front desk a few weeks ago and wanted to make sure Pam, (the insurance chick) knew that I had called the new company to see what their requirements were, yadda yadda.  The first step is the doctor has to fill out a form citing medical necessity and they have to make sure I've jumped through all of my hoops.  The woman I talked to just said, "I'm sure they know all that already, thanks for calling."  I figured they had everything in order, but instead I just wasted another two months waiting.

It's Always Something

After my little bender I fell asleep around 7am and didn't wake up until midnight.  Dee had come over with one of her dogs at 11 am because Nathan texted her that he was worried about me, so I woke up for that.  I wasn't sure why he was worried since he doesn't read my blog, but I guess I was acting BIZARRE.  I went into his room around 4 and just sat on his bed bawling.  He had no idea what was going on.  Then I went to bed and got back up when he was in the shower and I asked if I could watch because I love him so much.  I don't remember any of this.
I apologized and told him what was going on, and I went back to bed around 1 am.  I got up at 8 this morning.  I stopped at Gateway and got a salad and am going to go to water aerobics with Dee tonight, but I'm waiting for my chiro to open at 2:30 pm.  My back is pissed off.  I can't stand up straight and have a searing pain going from the top of my right butt check down to my hip.  It's making me feel like I'm gonna barf.  I hate my back.  I hate my body.  I hate everything.

Under the Influecne

This post may be incoherent.   I'm under the influence.
I have been extremely, EXTREMELY depressed lately.
This is going to make some of you that know me well uncomfortable.  I want to cut myself.  I want to cut myself hard.  I don't want to do it because the death of my father was a year ago is still fresh in my mind and in the mind of my family.  I want to do it because i can't feel anything.  NOTHING.  Nothing is getting past this rhino skin.  I can't cut myself, and I can't kill myself, because I've been with my family throughout my dad's death, and it's been so fucking hard.  I'm medicated enough right now to know that suicide would be completely selfish.  There was a time I couldn't see that.  That was back in college.  I'm resorting to a kind of isolation suicide.  I keep myself away from everyone so it's like I don't exist.  I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day and she was trying to figure out if my problem was mental or physical.  I told her it's a struggle between both.  Embalming hurts because I'm on my feet so long, but I psych myself up and ready myself for the pain, which can be even worse.  But at the same time I'm going over and over in my head, "will I fit in the embalming room?  I'm the fattest person in the world, do they have room for me?  Are they thinking about embalming me right now????
In the past I would just hack at myself, but that seems like so much trouble.  If I knew no one would see it, it would not be a big deal, but everyone will see it.  And I don't relally want to die, I jsut want to be well.  I want to get that call from Mercy that says, "YOU'VE BEEN APPROVED, JUST SET A DATE."
Until then, I wake up early, see no reason to be awake, and force myself back to sleep where I have crippling nightmares that I can't even describe.  They're horrible enough to jerk me out of sleep, crying.   I don't want to feel, so I put all of my effort into going back to sleep.  I need help, but I din't know who to turn to.  I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I'm nothing.
Right now I'm on 4 xanax, 4 ambian, and two big glasses of whiskey and some powdered kratom.  I feel properly out of my head, which is what I wanted so badly.
My family and friends are going to be worried.  Hell, I'M WORRED.  I can't stop the stream of tears from falling down my face.  I can't bring myself to get up out of bed.  I desperately try to go back to sleep, so I can't feel anything.  And I don't see any point to my life.

I did manage to take a shower today, but what good did it do?  Now I need to use deoderant uner all of my dam rolls and folds, and that makes me fucking sick.

SOMEONE SAVE ME.  PLEASE.  I'M LIVING IN PURGATORY RIGHT NOW.  I'M NOT ALIVE, I'M NOT DEAD, BUT THERE'S AN INSURANCE COMPANY STANDING IN MY WAY WITH THE ABILITY TO CHANGE. MY.  MOTHER.  FUCKING.  LIFE.  HELP ME.
HELP ME.  HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEE!!!!  KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

A Relevant Tune

Try Failing A Little More

I passed all of my summer classes with 2 A's and 2 B's, so that's not what I'm talking about.

I have been
SO
DEPRESSED
And I am an utter failure at life.

I haven't had any Ambien in at least 2 weeks.  I accidentally missed my appointment in July, and either I forget to reschedule, or something is up with the office.  Last time I called their computers were down so they asked me to call again.  Since I haven't had it my sleep has gotten super fucked up and I miss office hours, even if I set my alarm.  Yesterday I fell asleep at 8 am and woke up at 8 pm, but in my defense, I had a migraine.  Although the migraine was significantly less horrific.  My eyes didn't swell or anything and the pain was bearable, so I didn't bother taking an imitrex.

I don't have any ambition to do anything.  Not even make phone calls.  I'd just lay perfectly still 24 hours a day if I didn't have so many hot flashes and a need to roll over to let parts of my dry/cool off.

The only way I can describe it is kind of like this.

Fear

I have been so damn anxious lately.  All of my classic anxiety from college/high school is back.  I'm scared to go anywhere alone.  I usually wait for Nathan to come home and ask him to come with me if I need to go somewhere.  I dread calling people I don't know, like for insurance bullshit.  I try to put it off as long as possible.  I also don't want to answer the door.  I did that in college all the time.  Someone would knock and I'd be super quiet until they went away.  I've been doing that again, like with my landlord or my neighbor.
Our toilet was running so Nathan called the landlord and he arranged for someone to come over the next day.  I was too freaked out to answer the door, so I hid back in Nathan's room until he was gone since he had a key to get in.
I don't know what my freakin' deal is.

On the migraine front, things are looking up.  I started B2 and magnesium.  The first day I took them I got a headache, but the second, third and fourth day I didn't get a headache.  Not even a hint of a headache.  I forgot to take my pills today and I just had to take an Imitrex.  A couple of friends seem to think this is a placebo affect, but if you've ever had a migraine, you know what the pain is like and that mind tricks don't make them go away.  It's like saying placebo birth control pills prevent pregnancy because you think you're taking the real thing.

My mouth guard has been working well, but I took it to my mom's this weekend and thought I packed it, but now I can't find it.  That thing was 70 bucks, goddamnit.  I just ordered a new one, but I didn't want to spend another 70 bucks, so I got a $20 one.  Geez.

This weekend I was thinking about starting the Optifast program to give me a jump start on losing weight.  I thought it was a prepackaged meal plan, but I did some research and it's just a liquid diet.  You drink a protein shake 5 times a day and that's all you're allowed.  I saw some good reviews, but there were a lot of bad reviews from people saying as soon as they stopped the program they gained all of their weight back, and the urge to binge on chewable food was overwhelming, so now I'm not so sure.  It makes sense to be on a liquid diet after bypass because you're stomach is tiny and wounded.  I'm not sure if I could do it without that tool.

Au Naturale

My migraine woes continue, but I've been thinking about the various preventative measures, like more drugs, botox injections, etc, and that doesn't appeal to me.  So, I'm going to try magnesium and B2 (riboflavin).

B2 Facts:
Vitamin B2 helps in the treatment of migraine headaches. Problems like dry and itchy skin, acne, dermatitis, and eczema may be reduced or cured by the intake of vitamin B2. It aids in the treatment of anemia, cataracts, and rheumatoid arthritis. Vitamin B2 aids in the treatment of several nerve related conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, epilepsy, and sclerosis.
Although the human body has an efficient mechanism to absorb and conserve vitamin B2, sometimes one may have a vitamin B2 deficiency. A vitamin B2 deficiency can affect the metabolism of the body and influence the immune system and neural functions. The deficiency can cause abnormal sensitivity to light, various eye problems like itching, burning, and pale eyes. A vitamin B2 deficiency can also cause sore throat, mouth ulcers, pale tongue, cracks on the lips, dry and dull hair, wrinkles on the face, itchy skin, and sore and tasteless tongue. It can affect one's overall wellbeing. 
Migraines - check
Itchy skin - check
Eczema - check
Shitty metabolism - check
Watery eyes - check
Canker sores - check
Dry hair - check
Cracked lips - check

Let's move onto Magnesium Benefits: 

1. Magnesium may reverse osteoporosis

Multiple research studies conducted have suggested that calcium supplemented with magnesium improves bone mineral density. Magnesium deficiency alters calcium metabolism and the hormones that regulate calcium, resulting in osteoporosis. Intake of recommended levels of magnesium is important because it averts osteoporosis.

2. Magnesium prevents cardiovascular diseases

One of the most important benefits of magnesium is that it is associated with lowering the risk of coronary heart diseases. Dietary surveys have suggested that sufficient magnesium intake may reduce the chance of having a stroke. Magnesium deficiency increases the risk of abnormal heart rhythms, which increases the risk of complications after a heart attack. Therefore, consuming recommended amounts of magnesium dietary supplements may be beneficial to the cardiovascular system.

3. Magnesium regulates high blood pressure (Hypertension)

Magnesium plays a key role in regulating blood pressure naturally. Magnesium supplements and a diet including plenty of fruits and vegetables, which are good sources of potassium and magnesium, are consistently associated with lowering blood pressure.

4. Magnesium treats diabetes

Studies show that individuals with a magnesium deficiency have a risk of developing type-2 diabetes and severe diabetic retinopathy. Magnesium aids in carbohydrate metabolism and influences the release and activity of insulin, thereby controlling blood glucose levels. It has been proven that for every 100 milligrams of increase in magnesium daily intake, there was a 15 percent decrease in the risk of developing type-2 diabetes.

5. Magnesium treats migraines, insomnia, and depression

The numerous magnesium health benefits also include the treatment of migraines, insomnia, and symptoms of depression. Magnesium is also known to cure severe forms of psychiatric dysfunctions including panic attacks, stress, anxiety, and undue agitations. Magnesium supplements considerably reduce the severity of such attacks and may also help in reducing the rate of recurrence.

Women of all ages can benefit from magnesium-it's been shown to help build and maintain strong bones, relieve symptoms of menopause 

Magnesium:

• Gives rigidity AND flexibility to your bones
• Increases bioavailability of calcium
• Regulates and normalizes blood pressure
• Prevents and reverses kidney stone formation
• Promotes restful sleep
• Helps prevent congestive heart failure
• Eases muscle cramps and spasms
• Lowers serum cholesterol levels and triglycerides
• Decreases insulin resistance
• Can prevent artherosclerosis and stroke
• End cluster and migraine headaches
• Enhances circulation
• Relieves fibromyalgia and chronic pain
• Treats asthma and emphysema
• Helps make proteins
• Encourages proper elimination
• Prevents osteoporosis

Migraines - check
Chronic insomnia - check
Anxiety - check
Muscle tension and spasms - check
Possible bone weakness - check
Temperature regulation issues - check
High cholesterol - check

I ordered these vitamins and should get them on Wednesday.  I've got my fingers crossed.  I'm sure my body could use these supplements, considering I'm still in surgical menopause and am flipping OBESE.  

On the Down Low

I feel weird about talking about singing stuff because I don't want people to think I'm bragging, but I would like to mention it, I guess.  I'll just do it on here instead of Facebook.  My instructor told me she talked to the provost today about scheduling a time for my own recital in the cafeteria.  She wants it advertised in the Des Moines Register and asked me if that was okay.  Sure, why not?  She said it needs to last about an hour.   Then I'm supposed to sing in the regular recital, with the other students, and then have a third, longer recital at a nicer venue.  She wants me to come in for extra lesson times next semester, too.  I wish I could find a part time job that would be flexible enough to let me do what I need to do for school, but also pay the bills.  Maybe if I could do a night shift, like Dee and Sara.  I'm also worried about gastric bypass.  If I get approved and scheduled, I don't want to have a lot of singing down time.  I wish all these problems weren't all grouped together in one big mass of shit.

Money gets in the way of everything.

I had my 5th migraine of the week tonight, and was looking up different causes.  Not only can hormones fuck up your head, clenching your teeth at night can cause migraines.  That may make more sense than the hormones right now, since I've been having such terrible tooth/jaw aches.  So now I need to look into getting an actual mouth guard from the dentist.  The one I'm using is fine, but it will alter your bite after so many months of using it since it only fits over the front teeth to keep the back teeth from touching.  The only problem is the dentist's mouth guard costs about 500 bucks, and insurance doesn't cover it.  I don't want my teeth to shift, though.  When I wear the front guard, it alters my bite for at least half of the day, to the point where my back teeth don't touch each other.  Another doctor's bill is not what I want right now.

Ow, My Head

I just woke up with my 4th migraine of the week.  This is getting really annoying.  And last night I woke up suddenly when I realized I was biting so hard into my mouth guard that it hurt.  I don't know if tension is causing my headaches or what, but I'm getting super pissy.  It feels like a tension headache and a migraine rolled into one.  Right now my neck and jaw are almost unbearably tight, but I've also been getting a runny nose and watery eyes before my headaches this week.  I've gone deaf in one ear before, and I typically get blind spots, so I'm used to weird shit happening before a headache.  I suppose it could be hormone related.  I used to get migraines everyday in high school and had to make the occasional trip to the ER.

Oh, yeah.  I just found this.  Go figure.
Menopause Migraines

Naysayers

I'm passing around my Indiegogo link again since it seems to be losing steam.  When I first posted it I got great responses, but now I'm stalled at 6,900.  It pisses me off, not because people can't afford to contribute, god knows I understand that, but I see a bunch of other projects on that site that are getting a lot of money.  Some of them are just so stupid.  Maybe I'm feeling entitled, but for some reason I feel like my health is more important than a documentary about video games in the UK.  Call me crazy.


Another thing that frustrates the shit out of me is people that feel the need to give their two cents on something they don't know anything about.  My friend Leah posted my fundraising link on her wall, and one of her friends responded with this:


"I'm sorry, but I cannot donate. I don't see how gastric bypass will assist this woman. She says that it's her body making extra fat stores, which it will no matter how much she eats. I do wish her all the best finding other ways to work with her body.

Also, when working at Lane Bryant, I saw too many customers say "This is the last time I'll be shopping here, I'm having gastric bypass soon!" And except for 2, they've been back to LB sizes within a year... I hope she's the exception if she does have the surgery."

SUCK.  A.  DICK.  The success rate for gastric bypass is 93%, so fuck you, lady, for hoping I'm the exception.  If you can't afford to donate, that's cool, but don't say you're not going to contribute because this is some kind of fool's errand.  I've spent two years researching this, talking to doctors, nurses, and friends that have had the procedure.  I'm not naive, and I'm not a moron.  This surgery is a tool.  It's not a cure all.  I'm well aware of the risks and complications.  I don't feel like going into the details on how it works, so I'll leave you with two of the responses I got from people I went to high school with that are now doctors, not cashiers at Lane Bryant. 

"This is such a touching story. How frustrating to face an uphill climb that can't be controlled even with heroic efforts re: diet & exercise. Hormones can be a b***h. A body so dead-set on finding more estrogen will be able to overcome pretty much any amount of exercise. I am familiar with the OptiFast program (we have a lot of patients here at UCSD who are on it) and many have good results, so perhaps it can at least help in the interim until funding issues are resolved. Sounds like the insurer is being not only inhumane, but penny wise and pound foolish... weight loss surgery isn't cheap, but it's cheaper than paying out for years to treat a patient suffering from serious weight-related co-morbidities."

"As a physician who hopes to actually move back to iowa to run medical weight loss programs for teens/adults it is very frustrating to read about how someone who has clear indications for surgery is rejected from their insurance company. This is more frustrating when ifyou have Medicaid in Missouri and qualify, you are covered for surgery but not the necessary preventative medicine that prevents obesity in the first place or the needed medical follow up to manage the endocrine side effects after surgery. Any endocrinologist/internist who is well versed in the literature knows that in people who have complications (the most surprising data is with type 2 diabetes) gastric bypass is really the most efficient and proven way to not only loose weight but to reverse complications."

Poop and Biscuits

Shit.  I'm going to have to make a doctor's appointment.  I've had migraines everyday this week.  I probably need some preventative medicine to take like Topomax, which I used to take for mood stuff, and then I was switched to Lamictil.

ZZZZZZZAP!

I can't sleep.  My shoulder is keeping me up.  Every few seconds it's like, a jolt of electricity runs down my arm from my shoulder blade.  If you've ever touched an electric fence, that's kind of what it's like.  Thank goodness I go to the chiropractor tomorrow.  I'm not sure what's worse, this or my tooth pain.  Probably this.  I found a way to make my tooth stop hurting,  but nothing I do or take can touch my shoulder pain, except my chiro.  Seriously, this hurts so goddamn bad.

Pathetic

Yesterday was...  a day.  Nathan was having a Batman party with a couple of his buddies at the apartment yesterday, starting at 11 am.  I used to work with both of the guys at Iowa Telecom, and I was so embarrassed about the way I look and how much weight I've gained since then that I left the apartment in the morning and didn't come back until both guys were gone, around midnight.  My self loathing got me out of the apartment, but for a really pathetic reason.

I did a double red donation at the blood center with Sara in the morning, then I went to the dentist to see what the deal is with my godawful tooth pain.  They couldn't find anything.  Great.  And the pain has been so bad the past couple of days that it's triggered a couple of really bad migraines.  The dentist's best guess was my nerves are flared up from clenching.  she could see grooves in my teeth from me biting down so hard at night.  She thought there might be a crack, but she couldn't see one. She was also tapping on my other teeth and found the whole right side of my mouth was super sensitive.  Sooo, no help there.  I'm just supposed to take 800 mg of Ibuprofen 4 times a day to help with the nerve inflammation and wear my new mouth guard every night.  And I'm getting my teeth cleaned Tuesday.  Yippee.  At least I didn't have to pay anything for the visit because....

I FINALLY GOT MY NEW INSURANCE CARD!  After the dentist I went to the bariatric center so they could make a copy and submit a new request.  Pulling out of the driveway I burst into tears.  I'm scared and hopeful.  But more scared.  My unemployment is going to run out in about a month, and I REALLY didn't want to job hunt while being so fat.  Now I'm not going to have a choice.  Also I'm not sure how this is going to work out with me being a full time student.  I suck at juggling stuff like this, and I'm so easily stressed out nowadays.  Maybe if I could find something easy like data entry.

Anyway, after that I went to Sara's and hung out until midnight.  Sara and Chris, her bf, went to The Dark Knight Rises, so I chilled out and watched TV.  My tooth was hurting pretty bad and my eyes wouldn't quit watering and my nose was all stuffed up.  I thought it was allergies or something, but it was a migraine.  It started at, like, 7:30 pm and just kept getting worse.  I sent Nathan a text at 11 asking if his friends were gone yet, but one was still there, so I stayed at Sara's until I got a text from Nathan at midnight saying everyone was gone.  The pain in my head was so bad I started crying on the way home and could barely see the road.  All was well after I got home and got a migraine pill in my system.  Lord.

Till the Fat Lady Sings

That's me.  The fat lady.
My vocal teacher told me I get my own recital next semester.  At the end of each semester we have these little recitals in the cafeteria called "Music at Noon."  She says those aren't doing me any good and I need to sing somewhere that will make people sit up and pay attention.  She wants me to do 3 Italian, 3 Spanish, 3 Classical English, and a couple other arias.  SOOO, here are a few of the songs  I'm working on right now.  One of them is a bit out of my league, but Alayna is confident I'll be ready in no time.  I sure would like to perform at a much lower weight.

Some of these links are fucked up, so, sorry about that.

           This is Love's Philosophy, English

             This is Doretta's Aria (which I'm not ready for yet), Italian

                                           
                This is Lungi Dal Caro Bene, Italian

This is O Del Mio Amato Ben, Italian (skip to 1:15)

             This is Solveig's Song, Norwegian

This is Del Cabello Mas Sutil, Spanish

                     

           This is El Cant Dels Aucells, Catalan

             This is Down By The Salley Gardens, English

                                                 
      And of course, O Mio Babbino Caro, Italian

            Song to the Moon, Czech

Sleeping Ugly

Having a toothache is not interesting at all, but I've had one for 3 days now that has become UNBEARABLE.  I clench my teeth at night so I'm used to jaw pain, but this is insane.  Maybe I'm the only one that does this, but when I think something is wrong with one of my teeth I start obsessively feeling the others with my tongue.  The tooth right above the one that's killing me feels cracked in the back and is also quite sore.  I'm sure I've fucked my mouth up by not wearing a mouth guard.  I had one several years ago but I can't remember why I quit wearing it.  All I remember is I bit holes through it.  I still have it.  I pulled it out hoping it was still wearable, but it's all yellow and crusty now, and I'm not about to put anything in my mouth that can be described by those adjectives.  

I spent 70 bucks on a moldable mouth guard on Amazon.  It fits just over the front teeth and you have to boil it and then put it over your teeth to make an impression.  It's pretty comfortable, but I look utterly ridiculous right now with this bulky thing on my teeth and my CPAP mask on.  

I'm going to call the dentist tomorrow morning to see if I can get in.  I fucking hate dentists.  It doesn't even have anything to do with the procedures they do.  I don't mind getting my teeth cleaned or having cavities filled.  It's the way dentists' offices are run that makes me angry enough to not go regularly.  If you have to have work done beyond just an annual cleaning you have to meet a fucking deductible, which can be hundreds of dollars, and they always demand payment up front.  With the exception of dentists, every doctor I've ever been to lets you make payments.  Fuck you, dentists.  Fuck you.  

I should be getting my new insurance card in the mail this week, so I can resubmit my request for gastric bypass.  It's Mom's policy and I can be on it as long as I'm a full time student.  They sent a letter a couple of days ago saying my previous coverage made me exempt from pre-existing conditions, so I should be good.  If they cover it without a fight I can use my indiegogo money for the portion insurance doesn't cover and cost of follow up care.  I had to pay 2 grand for my hysterectomy, which I just recently paid off.  Huzzah.  I don't know how much I'd be saddled with for bypass, but I'm sure I'll probably have to have skin removal sometime in the future.  Who knows.  I'd like to have it done on my arms.  I've always hated my arms.  They seem to take the biggest beating from fluctuations in my weight and right now the skin is so thin it bruises and tears really easily.  It doesn't help that it's really saggy and just sort of gets in the way, making it susceptible to pinching.  

Anyway, it would be nice to have a money cushion for that.  From what I've read, insurance doesn't usually pay for that because it's considered cosmetic.  Whatever.  Suck a dick, insurance.  

CHRIST

My chiro appointment was very productive.  After water aerobics on Friday my shoulders hurt so bad.  I thought it was just from inactivity, but the pain got so much worse and I ended up taking like, 12 Aleve and several muscle relaxers.  They didn't help and I ended up with a bad gut ache.  I went in at 3 today and GOOD GOD.  I usually don't make any noise when I'm getting adjusted, even if it hurts, but she got 3 places in my mid back that made me cry out.  I felt about 500 times better.  She noticed my right arm wasn't moving properly as well and did this thing where she put her thumb right on my sternoclavicular articulation and it hurt so bad I thought I would die.  I asked her why it hurt so goddamn bad and she goes, "I'm gonna make it worse it a couple seconds, just remember that you love me."  She slammed down on it so hard I thought I was going to puke, but then it immediately stopped hurting and I was able to move my arm again.  Damn she's good.

Here's a product plug.  I haven't done one in awhile.  Black Salve.  It is THE SHIT.  Not the kind with zinc chloride as that will burn your skin.  I've been using THIS.  It's fucking magic, made of mermaid tears and unicorn farts.
I initially got it because I had an acne cyst under my nose.  It was so painful I could barely move my mouth.  It took two weeks for it to shrink down, but if I pulled the skin tight, there was a definite bump in there that I couldn't pop and wasn't ballsy enough to get with a needle.  As soon as I got this stuff I put a glob of it on the remainder of the cyst and just left it there for 5 hours.  There was a shit load of tingling and within two hours it had swelled back up to the size of a pea.  I wiped all the cream off so I could see what was going on, and there, sticking out like a third eye, was a nice white head in the middle of a hot, red volcano.  I tried to be delicate, but I put a good squeeze on it and it literally exploded all over the mirror.  I had to get out the Windex.  I've never known more instant gratification.
So black salve is a drawing salve.  It pulls out obstructions, yeast, bacteria, infection, parasites, moles, warts, etc.  I've got it working on the wart on the bottom of my foot right now since the wart remover I was using was just burning off the skin around it.  The wart is getting bigger, but that seems to be the trend with this stuff.  It will take longer than the other stuff I've used it on though, so I just have to be patient.
I also used it on a scab on my little toe that wouldn't heal.  I wasn't picking it or anything, it just kept getting bigger and crustier, so I slathered the salve on and covered it with a bandaid.  After 3 days, all that is left is a pink scar.  I also used it on an infected cut on my hand that had swelled up and was burning.  I'm allergic to Neosporin and needed something else to try.  I used the salve for 2 days and the infection is completely gone, as well as the cut.
I've got Nathan using it on a couple discrete places right now, and so far it seems to be doing its thing.
Some people say it will cure skin cancer, but I don't think I'd be willing to test that out.  There are some great photos on Google of black salve pulling out fly larva from people's skin in 3rd world countries.

A Better Day

I got up at 7 this morning to go to water aerobics with Dee again.  Amazingly enough I didn't have an issue waking up, but I've gotten up at 7 for the past few days.  Of course I need a nap in the afternoon.
I made sure to pack my bra and an extra pair of sandals so I didn't slip and fall.  My upper back has been killing me lately, but I go to the chiro today at 3.

This is a boring post.

What A Fatty

I stumbled on this while browsing through Huffpo.  It made me sick.  I've never heard of Kate Upton before, but according to some stupid bitch, she's 30 pounds too heavy.  Really?

"Well Marbled"

I don't know why I click on this shit, but here's the website it came from.  Beware, if you click on "the forums" at the end of the article, your head may explode.

Skinny Gossip

I don't know who you are, Skinny Gurl, but I'd like to force feed you the fat out of my own ass until your organs shut down.

Weird

I got an email notification from indiegogo saying I had a new comment.  It showed up in the email but not on my campaign.

Larisa Ustimenko said:

“Dear Tiffini! You can save your beuty & normal weight with any operation! It's inside you! I just read 1 sentence below big letters, I WAS RIGHT! I dont need to read more. You are amaizinly beatiful, happy & talented. If you are intresting in my words please contact me larisa_20031985@mail.ru or call +34 60 300 58 56 Spain FREE OF CHARGE!! About you is awful eraze that! and contact me! You are killing yourself with your own words! STOP!”

K, whatever.  

Fuck You, July 6th

Last night I was pretty low and did something I haven't done since college.  I took....  I don't remember, maybe 3 Ambien and 4 Xanax?  Whatever.  I was so depressed I didn't want to feel anything.  Of course I wrote stupid and incoherent messages to people and did some stuff around the apartment that I don't remember.  I had an herbal tincture brewing and somehow all of the soggy herbs ended up in the dishwasher.  I seem to recall laying on the couch talking, but I don't know what I was saying.  The good news is I didn't try to eat anyone.  I was worried about that since the onslaught of cannibalism in the news.  I slept through my voice lesson, but apparently managed to send a lucid sounding email to my voice instructor saying my throat was sore, (which it was).
Anyway, I woke up at 8 pm, went pee, then went back to bed until 3 am or so.

I was chatting with Nathan on Facebook since he's in Illinois and couldn't sleep, and Dee popped in chat and asked if I wanted to go to water aerobics.  We haven't gone forever, and I tried to get out of it, but we ended up going.  What a disaster.  The entire time I was kind of barfing in my mouth because I had eaten before I left.  Then when class was over we went in the sauna and I discovered my skin was peeling off.  Like, when I ran my hand over my arms or legs, a bunch of skin rolled up and came off.  It was gross.  After my shower I was getting dressed and found I had forgotten to pack my bra.  Dee suggested I free boob it, but I didn't want anyone to mistake my chest for kettle bells.  Thankfully I wear a bra under my bathing suit, so I just put the wet one back on.  Then I turned to get something out of my locker and tripped in a puddle of water and fell, AGAIN, on my bad knee.  The rest of me went into the lockers.  My knee has already started to swell up.
Being naked and the size of a planet in a locker room is bad enough, falling while you're naked and the size of a planet in a locker room is much, much worse.

Afterward I dropped Dee off and bolted back to the safety of my cave.

Oh yeah, I had another random person compliment my complexion.  Dee and I decided it's because my cheeks are always red, and it's older women that compliment me, so maybe they consider my scorched hue attractive.  Who knows.

No Way Out

I sent my mom an email about my indiegogo account and possibly going to Mexico for gastric bypass.  She was VERY against the idea of medical tourism and told me not to act out of desperation.  I've been desperate for a long time.  Incredibly desperate.  But I generally don't like doing things that my mom is so against, lest I be subject to an array of "I told you so's."  She was avidly against me kick boxing too, and then I hurt my ankle.
I don't have any of my new insurance info yet, since I just got kicked off of COBRA went on Mom's insurance, so I can't take anything over to the bariatric center so they can submit another claim.  If they deny me I'm stuck starting over and putting up with another 6 months to a year of being morbidly obese.  A thirty grand online fundraiser is a lot to ask of people that don't know me or don't know me very well.  So I'll just sit here and bawl.  I don't feel like I have anything to live for.

Medical Tourism

My indiegogo has been making the rounds and a couple people have suggested surgery in Mexico.  I've sent one of them a message to see what her story is.  I thought it sounded really fishy at first, but then I found this article:
Medical Tourism

I feel confused, but maybe this is a viable option.

A Little Giddy

Thanks to the generosity of several people, I'm nearly 1/3 of the way to my goal on indiegogo.com!  I cry a little every time I check the total.  I'm so cynical and forget that there are people that actually care out there.

I had an appointment with my endocrinologist today.  I'm so glad he puts up with me.  I'm so flipping inappropriate.  When I was going back into the room, the nurse was like, "go ahead and hop on the scale."  I looked at her for a couple of seconds and then said no.  She said she needed it for my chart so I told her if I had to get on the scale I'd kill myself with a tongue depressor.  I won.  She was going to take my blood pressure and then was like, "I'll have to go get the big cuff."  Of course you do.  Despite having my own gravitational pull, my blood pressure is good at 118/70.  Of course they took my blood, so I'll get my estrogen and thyroid levels back in a couple of weeks.
I asked the doc about the estrogen pellet.  He said he'd never heard of it before, but would definitely look into it.  He gave me his personal email and asked me to send him what I'd read about it so far.  He's so good to me.
Mom and I have been going there together since 2000, so he's used to my bullshit.  Mom went by herself one weekend and when he came in the room he asked, "so how's my girl?"  Mom replied, "oh, I've been alright."  Then he said, "no, I meant Tiffini."  She found it pretty amusing.

I Did It

I don't write comics, and I wasn't harassed by middle school kids, but I did it anyway.  I set up an account on indiegogo.com.  Keeping my fingers crossed.  I want this surgery so bad I can barely stand it, and all this stagnating and waiting for insurance companies is stressing me out.

http://www.indiegogo.com/savemylife?show_todos=true&a=723757

Ugh

My stomach is really bothering me.  I've had diarrhea for over a week and every time I eat I feel like I'm gonna barf.  Actually everything makes me feel like I'm gonna barf.  My estrogen makes me feel nauseated, food makes me feel nauseated even though I'm hungry, even kissing made me feel nauseated.  Not because the kissing was gross, but all of a sudden I literally felt sick.  I don't know what the deal is.  I've also been sleeping A LOT and have been really lethargic.
So far today I've had half a protein shake and some peanuts, but I feel ill.

Give Me Money

If anyone keeps up with the Oatmeal, you know about his campaign to raise money for charity in response to being sued.  If you don't know the story, check it out HERE and HERE.  He's raised nearly 200,000 bucks!  Christ!  I'm jealous and I feel like I should set up my own donation thing for my surgery.  Hell, all I need is 20-30 grand.  Too bad I don't write comics and have his publicity.
I want the surgery before my unemployment dries up in September, but with each month that passes my hopes dwindle.

Father's day sucked.  I was so depressed.  I didn't get out of bed until 6.  Today I actually woke up at noon, but didn't move until 5.  I tried to make up for it by cleaning.  Dumb.

I've been slacking off on water aerobics, but I keep thinking about swimming.  I ordered a waterproof headphone/mp3 player deal on amazon.  I like swimming laps, but I get bored.  Now I can load some songs and go.

I have an appointment with my endocrinologist on the 30th.  I want to ask him about the estrogen pellet.  I hate the cream and I hate the troche.  I want something I don't have to think about.  The pellet is injected under the skin of the hip and releases hormones for 4 months.  It's compounded (like the troche) so you can get whatever ratio you need.

One Thing

No news is not good news.  I haven't heard anything back from my insurance company or the bariatric center.  I switch to new insurance in July, so I'll have the hospital resend the request to them.
In the meantime, I would like to thank the girl that cuts my hair at salon Adeva, Kelsey Rose.  (http://www.salonadeva.com/staff/)

I don't have much to feel good about in the way of my appearance, but she cuts my hair like a goddamn pro.  I've never known anyone that could handle my curls and frame my face like she can.  You're a stud, Kelsey.

I'm Mad

And I can't figure out how to stop being mad.  I'm mad at Nathan.  I'm mad at everyone.  I was cutting people off today in traffic today just to piss them off because I'm pissed off.  I can't sleep.  I'm so fat.  So incredibly fat.  There is absolutely nothing to have hope for right now.  I'm gonna cry and watch Little Women or The Royal Tannenbaums.

Blogging is Stupid

But since I haven't posted forever I might as well.

I found out a couple weeks ago insurance denied my gastric bypass.  They called me and left a message, so I called them back and left 3 messages and never heard back from anyone,  so I called the bariatric center and they told me what was going on.  They were already in the process of appealing, so I typed up my 6 months of calorie counting and dropped it off for them to send in.
According to United Health Care, the surgery isn't medically necessary and I have failed to demonstrate a motivated attempt at weight loss.

GO.  FUCK.  YOURSELVES.

The level of hypocrisy is just off the mother fucking charts.  I call in to switch my COBRA over to an individual policy and right off the bat they ask me my height and weight.  Then they say I'm too fat for them to cover.  BUT, the surgery isn't medically necessary.  IF I'M THE EPITOME OF HEALTH THEN WHY NOT COVER ME???  Oh, right, being morbidly obese is a huge fucking problem but you're playing it down because I only have two months of COBRA coverage left.  Right?  RIGHT????

So now I'm waiting for the appeal and desperately trying to develop deadly mind powers so I can kill all of those who oppose me with a single thought.  I may need some nuclear waste.

Let's see...  anything else?  Not really.  I stopped taking my Ambien and have managed to get myself on a semi normal sleeping schedule.  I've been going to bed at 11-11:30 and getting up at 6 or 7.  I've been having trouble staying asleep throughout the night, but I've been avoiding naps, so that helps.  And I haven't been bingeing at night since I'm not taking the Ambien.
Oh yeah, I need a new chiropractor.  My Des Moines one moved to Colorado.  I'm scared to make an appointment with a new one because I figure they'll just tell me to slim down and my back will feel better.  I need to go though.  I can feel that catch in my lower back that keeps me from standing up straight.  I really enjoy embalming, but being on my feet for several hours kills my back and I usually can't move the next day.  Losing weight will help substantially, but I've always had a bad back and I always will.  TOO BAD TREATING MY OBESITY IS NOT MEDICALLY NECESSARY!!!!!!!!!!!  Dumb fucks.  Jesus Christ, I hope you all fucking die in a fire.  A fire that was started using dried feces.

I Hate Everything

My worst hot flashes are the ones where I'm drenched in sweat, but at the same time I feel ice cold.  These are the hot flashes that make me feel really lightheaded and make me feel like I'm going to pass out.  Those are the hot flashes I'm having right now.  Bleh.

I was supposed to find out last Monday whether insurance was going to cover my surgery or not.  I didn't hear from the bariatric center Monday or Tuesday, so I called on Wednesday and they told me they were playing phone tag with my insurance.  Apparently insurance had an issue with my psych clearance and length of diet and exercise.  Mercy sent them a duplicate fax, reiterating my psych clearance was crystal clear and 100% good to go, and they had 7 months of diet/exercise documentation from my doctor.  That was the last I heard.  I don't know how hard the hospital will fight for me.  There are some doctors of mine that I know will battle for me, but others I'm not sure about.  I've never really dealt with Mercy before, so I'm really anxious.

What else was I going to talk about??  I don't remember.  Maybe it was unemployment.  I don't know.  Whatever.  I don't feel good.

Oh God The Yeast

OH GOD THE YEAST!!!!!!!

Seriously.  The yeast.  I'm operating an entire bakery in my vagina.

My tea tree failed.  Now I get 3 weeks of Diflucan.

Creator/Destroyer

Had my last dr. appt before insurance submission.  When I went in I got on the scale, figuring I'd gained another 20 pounds, but I'd lost 4.  She seemed so excited about it.  I'm pretty sure I pissed it out that morning, so I told her to go to hell.  We discussed the usual, so now I'm stuck holding my breath, hoping they recognize my efforts.
My doc told me the couple of people she sees that were at my weight and had the surgery lost 50 pounds the first MONTH, then the rest of the weight came off slower.  Did I mention how violently I'm holding my breath?  I want this done before summer.
My vag is rotting out of my body, so I have a standing prescription of Diflucan now.
I hate myself so much.  SO MUCH.  Nicest thing I've heard lately?  "Yeah, you're fat.  So what?  I find you magnetic."

Lately I've been weird.  Must be the hormones and repressed desires.  I watch a lot of TV.  I won't apologize.  I've had this thing where I want everyone in my various TV shows to hook up romantically.  And I cry about it.  I think it may be a reflection of me feeling distant in my own relationship because I feel so unappealing.  It's not enough for me that Nathan doesn't care what I look like, and he loves me no matter what.  I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.  Intimacy is 500 times better when I actually feel sexy.  I want to feel sexy again so bad.  I want to feel like putting on makeup and doing my hair and putting something on other than an old t-shirt and stretchy pj pants.  Fuck this.  Fuck my life.

More Meds.... STAT

I may need to increase my psych meds.  I haven't felt this depressed in awhile.  I always dwell on how shitty I look and how fat I am, but today was the first time since college I woke up and thought, "I hate myself.  I'd be better off dead."  I can't go back to that place in my head.  It's so hard to get out of it.  At least when I was on Danazol I wanted everyone else dead.  Not myself.  As my little sister once said, "you'd rather kill others instead of yourself.  That's a healthier place for you."

I'm also having pelvic pain again, so I'm scared to take my estrogen.  I really wish I hadn't had to push my appointment back, but it's coming up soon.

Grave

I was still fuming about my aunt stealing my dad's grave marker when I was on my way out of town, so I stopped at the cemetery.  My cousin has put all this detritus on Grandma and Grandpa's grave, and it looked like she had put a wreath or something on Dad's.  The wreath was godawful so I threw it away in the trash can they had sitting there and pulled out some stupid looking plastic flower stumps.  Then I took one of the plaques sitting on Grandma/Grandpa's headstone about tears and Heaven or some bullshit and put it firmly in the ground in front of Dad's grave.  If she fucks with it again, I'll bite the rest of her goddamn fingers off.

Crazy

I'm in Grinnell right now helping the high school kids not suck at painting their set for the spring musical.  I'm staying with Mom, and since we've both been sad lately we ended up talking for a long time about Dad.  Maybe it's because I was watching Ghost Adventures.  She told me my piece of trash of an aunt was high and left this message on her phone saying Mom and us girls were going to be damned to hell for not having a tombstone put on Dad's grave yet, and we were going to hell for putting "the family" through this.  We had other bills to pay before we thought about getting a tombstone, including insurance for the house that my aunt is living in illegally.  And we've already picked out a stone.  (As far as the house is concerned, there's this thing with the title 19 stuff she gets.  They paid to redo her house or something.  You're not allowed to have bills in your name at a second property and you have to live in the house.  Well, she's been living at my grandma's house for a few years now, and has someone paying her rent to stay in her house.  Not cool and very illegal.) 
Anyway, she went to the cemetery and pulled out Dad's grave marker so we wouldn't be able to find his grave.  RETARD, he's right next to Grandma and Grandpa, and we all already know where his ashes are buried.  Fucking moron.  Regardless of that though, I'm pissed.  First of all that's theft.  Secondly, he hated his fucking cunt of a sister.  She's fucking evil, and so is my cousin.  I hate them both so much, sometimes it consumes me.  At least I don't have to have anything to do with them anymore.  They deserve all the misery they live with now plus more.
After Mom relayed this story to me, she asked, "are you ready for another shock?"  Well duh, yes.  So Mom was having lunch or something with Dad's "girlfriend" Deb.  She's pretty nice and she loved my Dad.  Awhile ago my aunt lost part of her fingertip, and she had told all of us that Deb turned on the garbage disposal while she was digging something out and it chopped her finger.  Deb told Mom that's not what happened.  Dad and my aunt fought all the time, and one of the fights I know about he punched the shit out of her face.  Dad was worried for a long time that us girls hated him because of it and lied, saying she fell or something stupid like that.  I wasn't mad.  I didn't give a flying fuck.  If I had to live with her I would have broken her face too.  Well I guess they had been fighting again, and my aunt was doing this thing where she was jabbing her fingers into Dad's chest, over his heart.  Mom said she's seen her do it to John, my aunt's boyfriend, and it hurt him bad.  Well she did it to Dad and it pissed him off.  He grabbed her hand and fucking bit the tip of her finger off.  Deb said she saw it, and she saw him actually spit the tip of her finger out of his mouth.  Afterward he went to his room and locked himself in, and my aunt went to the garage and curled up in the fetal position and just mumbled to herself.  This doesn't make me mad either.  I wish he would have chopped her goddamn arm off, BUT, it's just so clear how far gone he was before he died.  Now that I'm studying the human body more in depth in school, his insanity and his cruelty make more sense.  Bipolar disorder, brain damage from a car accident, brain damage from years of ignoring his sleep apnea, brain damage from his pain medication abuse, brain damage from his heart attacks. 
Now that he's gone, I feel protective of him.  I've bad mouthed him more than anyone throughout my life, and I think I was justified, but my little sister said it best when she wrote, "he was a terrible person, be he loved his kids ferociously."
It's easier to see that now, so I feel like I have to defend the Dad I knew when I was little.  The Dad that knocked a goddamn bull off its feet when it pinned my older sister.  The Dad that held my little sister's head to keep it from moving when she fell off the hay elevator and cracked her skull.  The Dad whose lightning reflexes kept a tamping post from falling on my head when we were doing chores.  The Dad that gave us rides in the tractor bucket and gave us all the money in his wallet when we wanted to ride the heart flip and the sidewinder at the county fair.  The Dad that brought me back a hammock from Austria because he knew I wanted one so badly.  The Dad that taught me not to take shit from anyone.  The Dad that was so proud and bragged about his daughters to anyone who would listen throughout his whole life.
Dad's lawyer/our lawyer told us that Dad would come into the office sometimes, fighting mad and red in the face about one thing or another.  His will, Grandma's will, whatever.  The lawyer said he knew exactly how to calm him down.  He just had to ask about his daughters.  It was like a light switch would go off, and he'd calm down and start smiling while he talked about us.  I have to stop, I'm crying and can't see the computer screen.

Snap

I had to move my final bariatric checkup.  It was supposed to be on the 27th at 10 am, but I have a midterm at 9 am.  So... shit.  SHIT.  And of course my doctor is always fucking booked up, so I can't get in until March 8th.  I'm not happy.

Today I allowed myself cake.  I had cheesecake at lunch with Sara and a piece of chocolate cake tonight.  I haven't had junk in about a week, so it felt like a treat instead of guilt ridden poison.  Sometimes when I crave sugar, I eat it, but I don't even like it.  It gets rid of the craving but I don't feel satisfied.  This was different.  Still, I'm sure I've gained more weight.  I'm not getting on the scale to check until my appointment though.  I don't want to break it.

Where Is My Mind?

I wasn't going to blog about this, but I keep thinking about it.
During my marathon sleeping today, I had some bizarre dreams.  The first one I can remember was about me and Sara.  Instead of studying mortuary science, we were going to school to become jewelers at Cartier.  We were browsing one of the stores and there was this guy in our jeweler class that had landed an internship and there was a bitchy woman that had her own pool in the back of the store where she used babies to make pearls.  It was weird.  Sara and I shoplifted a $500 necklace because I liked how shiny it was.
Next I dreamed I had my gastric bypass, but I didn't have to schedule it and it only took an hour.  I was running around at the house I grew up in but had to keep stopping.  I'd hold my stomach and say, "take it easy, you just had stomach surgery."  Even though I kept holding my gut, I was still eating the same amount and the same kind of food.  I kept thinking to myself, "I thought I had to be on a liquid diet, why aren't solid foods bothering me?  Why didn't anyone tell me what I'm supposed to eat?"  That one got extremely weird toward the end with a big video game screen in the sky and me driving on ice trying to play cooperative mode with other people on the ice highway in a first person shooter game.
The one I keep thinking about had my dad in it.  It was the first time he's talked in one of my dreams.  My sisters and I, along with Mom and Dad were living in the woods.  Someone was writing a story about Dad's excellent survival skills and how he'd managed to keep us all alive in that environment.  Even though I was with Mom and my sisters, the writer started talking over my dream, like a narrator, at the same time he was writing the book.  He was talking about how a log sliding down a hill had killed my mom, and how a bear had killed my sisters, so Dad and I were moving into the city.  The dream then cut to me and Dad in a city, trying to expose a corrupt police department.  That bit didn't go too far before there were flashbacks of my sisters being killed by a bear.  Dad had put me in charge and gave me a rifle while he went to catch fish.  The bear came and I couldn't think of what to do and the rifle had disappeared, so I was throwing peanuts at it.  When that didn't help, I tried to put my hands in the bear's mouth to keep it from biting my sisters, but it was too late.  Dad heard me screaming and came running up to see what was wrong.  He saw the bear eating my siblings and me trying to cram my hands in its mouth and he grabbed it and tore it in half.
Things get fuzzy at that point, but the part about Dad killing the bear keeps replaying in my head.  At one point this morning I remember waking up thinking Dad was the only member of my family that was alive instead of the other way around.

*Shrug*

I'm sad.  And my sleep is all messed up.  I've been staying up until 9 am and waking up at 5 pm.  Last night I got to bed around 4 am and still slept until 5 pm.  Although, I did have a couple opportunities to get up earlier, I just didn't want to face the world.  I got up at 10 am and wandered around for a bit, loaded the dishwasher and such, then laid back down and woke up again at 1 pm.  I covered my head with the blanket and woke up again at 5.  Yuck.  I did manage to take a shower, but fat lot of good it did me.
I was going to make a protein shake and had the almond milk and powder in my shaker cup.  I set it down without screwing the lid on tight so I could feed the cats.  When I picked it back up I started to shake it, the lid flew off, and everything splashed in my face and all over me and the couch.  I need to re-wash my hair now.  I had to throw all the freshly washed clothes I was wearing back in the wash, along with a couch cushion cover.  At least Nathan was amused.  I was pretty hilarious, (not for me).

I'm not looking forward to embalming tomorrow.  My back has been killing me, and just standing at the grocery store made it lock up.  We'll see.  I'll take my weight in Aleve and muscle relaxers and hope that helps.  I'm just praying for no autopsy corpses.  When my back hurts, I keep all of my muscles tight to keep it from moving.  I wears me out fast and makes my hands shake a hundred times worse than they already do.

Damn You Netflix

So there was a new series recommended to me by Netflix for instant watch.  It's called Strange Sex.  I'm on the first episode and it's about cougars and cubs.  This woman is talking about how she was divorced and menopausal and decided she wanted to date younger men.  Now she's in her 70's and is still doing it and is, essentially, the real life Blanche Devereaux.
So, if I'm menopausal and dating a younger man, does that make me a cougar?

You Have the Power to End This

I just got out of the shower.  I lifted my bottom gut roll to apply my new tea tree oil mix and felt a sharp sting.  I lifted it up so I could see, and I'm gaining weight so fast, my skin is literally tearing at the stretch marks.  I can't really do anything other than keep it oiled up and disinfected with my castor oil/glycerine/tea tree oil mix.
I'm scared.  Terrified really.  I haven't binged or anything since my last doctor's appointment.  I just have protein every 3 hours and a skinny cow bar if I need chocolate.  Regardless, I'm sure I'll put on another 10 pounds before my appointment at the end of February.
Nathan was in the mood for sexy time earlier and I just said, "please don't come onto me."  I'm sure I hurt his feelings even though it doesn't have anything to do with him.

Insurance companies, if you're reading this, please....  PLEASE approve this surgery.  If you don't, you might as well put a bullet in my head.

Not In The Mood

I'm not in the mood to blog right now, but I haven't in awhile, so here's a quickie.

I have sore spots under my bottom gut roll and under my tits that I can't tell are just irritations from thin skin or something else.  I've made myself a mixture of tea tree oil, castor oil, and glycerine and I put it on everyday.  It's really helped the belly, but my tits are still kind of gross.  I've been using that treatment as a general everyday application to all of my sweaty spots and I have yet to get another yeast infection and my rancid, obese sweat smell is almost non existent.

My body hurts.  I only have embalming clinical once a week, but I feel like it totally wrecks me.  I've always had problems being on my feet for long periods of time, even when I was a normal weight.  My feet are shitty and my back is shitty.   When I was young I had horrible foot pain, and a specialist told me I had Sever's disease, which is inflammation of the growth plate in the heel or something.  It goes away when you're older, but I've had to have shots in my feet before as well for bursitis, and that was when I weighed 130.
 Now that I have my own gravitational pull, it's excruciating.  I LOVE embalming class, but I dread it at the same time because I know my body is going to hurt like a bitch.  Last week I wore these heavy duty arch supports I got from Birkenstocks.  They really hurt my feet after an hour or so and since then I haven't had any feeling in the bottom of my left foot.  It's not turning blue or anything, but I think I hurt a nerve or something.  I tried another pair of insoles from Pedag and they rubbed a huge line of blisters along the inside of my arch.  Now I've got just some good old Dr. Scholl's comfort gel.  My feet felt pretty good at the grocery store and running other errands, but when I'm standing for 3-6 hours, it won't matter.  I see my doctor for my last bariatric checkup before insurance send off at the end of February, but I don't think I can wait that long.  I may just call her and ask for a referral to a podiatrist.  I probably need some prescription fat shoes or something.
My back I'll just have to put up with.  It will get better when I lose weight, but it will always be shitty since my discs are degenerating from trauma, which, again, started before I was ultra fat.  

I don't think I'm going to get my surgery when I want it.  I was really pushing for spring break, which is also my b-day.  I'm afraid I may have to wait until summer.  I don't know.  At my January appointment I had gained another 10 pounds.  I told my doc I'm just always so hungry, and I try not to eat, but then I get ravenous.  She told me to have a protein shake or bar every 3 hours.  So I've been doing that and so far it's working okay.  It keeps me satisfied enough that I don't crave horrible food.  I've been having a small piece of meat with steamed broccoli and cottage cheese for supper.  Tonight it was fish with cottage cheese and green beans.  I keep Skinny Cow ice cream in the freezer for my junk food cravings.  I've been doing well with that and I can usually just have one and feel fine.  Of course I have to go for the protein if I don't feel satisfied.  I think when I finally get this surgery and start losing weight, my muscles are going to be bulging.  I'm pretty muscular anyway, but with all this protein and having to carry around so much weight and doing water aerobics, I may end up looking like the Hulk.  Whatever.  It's better than being a noodle armed wuss.  (I'm looking at you Sara).