So Down

I hate myself.  I just hate myself.  I just ate too much food and now I feel sick to my stomach.  I'm tired of eating.  It only makes me feel bad.  Even if I eat vegetables, putting food in my mouth always feels wrong. It doesn't really matter how I look at it.  Food is fuel, food can keep you healthy, blah blah blah.  It doesn't matter, I always see it as a sin, something I shouldn't do.  I hate this body.  I hate how I think.  I hate myself.

No Regrets

I was thinking to myself the other day, "I've never been so unhappy with my weight in my life.  Was the hysterectomy really worth it?"
I decided it was, but there have definitely been some big pros and cons.  It's important for me to remember the pros when I get down about my weight.  I've gone through a lot of those pros and cons on here before, but here's a refresher list.

Cons:
decreased sex drive
vaginal dryness
a big enough weight gain to put me into the morbidly obese category
increased risk of heart disease
weakened joints, higher risk of injury
hot flashes
sleep disruption
my skin is kind of weird now, like, flakey and scaly (this actually gets thrown in with the pros, becauase now I can justify buying lots of Arbonne stuff!)

Pros:
no more crippling pain
don't have to cut my workouts short because I'm doubled over on the floor
don't have to double over when I sneeze.
no more avoiding certain sex positions or biting into a pillow and screaming during intercourse (unless it's from pleasure)
no possibility of pain pill addiction and/or liver disease (that's a huge pro considering my dad's addiction to pain meds and his mental illness ruined his life, his marriage, and his relationship with his kids)
no accidental pregnancies (woohoo!)

I could probably list some more, but it would require too much thinking.

A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!!
Kudos to my big sister Tyne.  She's been struggling with her weight as well, and I was excited to learn today that she has lost 14 pounds!!  Keep it up Tiny, I love you and I know you'll be happier!

Perhaps Some Rambling

I've had Ambien in my system for about 45 minutes, so I may not remember writing this, but I need to get it out.
I totally snapped at Nathan this afternoon.  He was getting anxious that we were going to be late for his hair appointment and I just flipped out and yelled at him.  I feel like such a bitch, but I know why I did it.

I've been back to feeling fat here lately, partly because I'm dperessed and generally down, and then just today I learned that my BMI is in the category MORBIDLY OBESE.  Death from fat.  I am that fat.  If I had an autopsy done after dying, they would take one look at me and say, "no further investigation required.  She died from being fat.  She's an organ donor, so lets get all we can and sell the fat to the plastic surgery department for Kim Kardashian's lip implants.

When I feel so violently angry at the way I look, I get mad at the poeple who continue to love me for who I am.  Nathan loves me for who i am and also likes screwing me.  I find this completely unacceptable and think that he should be as disgusted with me as I am.  When he continues to support and love me I get irritated and try to make him see how gross I am.

Does that sound stipid or what???
I'm insane.  I'm such a shitty girlfriend;.  He deserves someone gorgeous and slender, not this unbalanced manatee.

I should tell him this is why I've been a cunt here recently, but he gets upset when I talk this way about myself.  Maybe i'll get drunk and do it.

Beating The Blues

It has been so dreary out, I can't find a job that will pay my bills, and I don't get to see Nathan much anymore since he's working.

I pretty much slept all day.  I hunted for jobs last night, but wasn't able to find anything I'm qualified for.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up working at McDonald's or Casey's.
Around 5 I decided I was being stupid and popped in one of the workout DVD's that Tyne gave me.  It uses weights (resistance band and free) and there's like, a million different workouts in there.  I think there's 8 DVD's or something.
So I did the first one.  I feel pretty good now.  I'll probably cook some salmon and have a protein shake.

I took the workout nice and easy, since the doctor told me not to do anything extreme and avoid high impact stuff.  This has always been an issue for me.  I try to keep up with everyone else and end up getting hurt.  It's like I panic and think that pacing myself won't give me any results.  Then I end up with rolled ankles, bruised knees, and a spasming back.  I did it during water aerobics, during Farrell's, and my brief stint with yoga.  So bully for me.

I really hope I can find a job soon.  I don't do well when I'm bored.

Ouch, Goddamnit

I just wanted to go ahead and bitch about how much my mouth hurts.

I've got 4 canker sores from my estrogen.  A big one on my right cheek, and a medium one and two little ones in my bottom lip.  I picked up some L-Lysine for them.  A friend of mine, Kelli, said that worked wonders on hers.
I've got another sore developing at the back of my left cheek now, and today at the mall I bit the tip of my tongue really goddamn hard.
So ouch, goddamnit.  OUCH.

The Touch, The Feel Of Cotton.....

So I spent too much money today.  About 240 bucks on new bras, some new undies, new shirts and a new pair of pants.  I have no regrets though, and plan to pay that chunk of my credit card off with my tax refund.
This is all in the name of going to my room and not dreading putting on clothes.  I have one bra right now that doesn't pinch the shit out of me or give me muffin tits, and I have one shirt that I don't hate myself in, so I'm cool with what I bought.
I keep finding that the shirts I get end up too short because my huge tits take up the majority of the shirt space.  The ones I got are nice and stretchy and long.  A couple are maternity shirts, but I'm unphased by that as my womblessness makes it ironic.
They always make stuff for pregos nice and long for their bellies.  I DESERVE THE SAME!

No Uh Oh

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this pain is just gas and constipation.  I have had the WORST gas all day.  I was crop dusting PetSmart like crazy.  The smell was so bad we all just had to keep moving through the aisles until the odor dissipated from my pants.
All I can squeeze out are these teeny tiny turds that don't amount to shit.......  literally.

So the verdict is, I blame my pooper.

Uh Oh

I don't know if I'm overreacting or not, but I've been feeling pelvic pain here recently.  It's not the dull ache that made me feel like I was going to barf and made me drink until I fell asleep so I didn't have to feel it.  It's the sharp pain that happened when I would get up quickly or sneeze.
I was getting into bed last night and when I moved a certain way I had to double over.  I couldn't sleep because I was freaking out.
The estrogen level I'm on right now has really helped my hot flashes and night sweats, and I don't want to decrease it.

It may just be that my back is really hurting, so I try to compensate by using other muscles.  Maybe I'm just pulling those muscles too much.  I reaaally hope that's all it is.
I remember pulling that muscle when I started Farrell's Extreme Body Shaping while doing sit ups and the pain was excruciating for a couple of weeks.

I don't want to say anything to my doctor.  I don't think there's anything he can do besides lessen the estrogen.  Put me on more progesterone maybe?
The only way they can know for sure is to do another laparoscopy, and I'm not particularly keen on that.

I need to get my blood taken here soon so they can check my estrogen levels again.  I'll probably say something to him then about it.  See if he can increase the progesterone and/or testosterone.  I don't know.

The other reason I don't want to decrease the estrogen dose is, DUH, my weight.  I've been sitting here missing my cheekbones and collar bones.  They used to be amazing.  Hopefully someday they will be again.

I'm still wanting a lap band,  just FYI.
I'm biding my time.  I'm biding the shit out of it.

You Didn't Think This Was Going To Be Easy Did You.....

So so so.  Sew buttons.

A good way to completely lose your appetite and get sick at the thought of eating is to forget your psych meds for a couple of days.  Well, I didn't really forget them, I just ran out while I was in Grinnell and didn't want to drive back to Des Moines to get them.
I had these cold sweats and every time I tried to eat something I'd get really nauseous.
I've got pills back in my system and feel better, but my appetite is still weird.  I think it's all the heartburn I've got right now.

I would like to take a minute to complain about breast tenderness.  My tits hurt.

I've done alright on eating lately.  I've been on a summer sausage and cheddar kick.  A couple hundred calories of cheese and about 100 calories of summer sausage.  And a Naked poop juice.
It doesn't sound very healthy, but it's filling.  I'm also still doing my protein shakes, which are awesome.  They taste really good with almond milk.  Especially the dark chocolate stuff.

I got my hair cut the other day.  It makes my face feel less fat.  I think it's pretty flattering.