It's a Poop Your Pants Kind of Night

I'm pretty farty right now.  I've taken a couple of poops, but my gut is doing some epic rumbling.

I'm not going to really blog tonight because I don't have anything new to say.  All I would do is bitch about my weight.
Instead I'll post a picture.  I weighed 130 lbs in this pic.  I didn't eat for 3 months, but goddamnit, I looked so good.  I was still wearing a size 14, but my bones are huge, although they aren't particularly dense.  I have to hit the calcium pretty hard.
Forgive the fuzziness of the picture, I held it up to my computer camera since I don't have a scanner here.
I cant' believe I wore such a baggy shirt, considering I looked so great.

Same stats on this picture.  Those pants were a medium.  A MEDIUM!!  I wear a size 24/26 now.  FML.

Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart

I must bea little weirdii

My face feels disgusting.  If feels like sandpaper and there are lots of red dry splotches.  Lotion doesn't seem to do anything.  Not even the Arbonne stuff.  I also noticed the hair on my top lip is getting thicker and darker.  I had to pluck one of those fuckers before I went into Gordmans.  My hair has an odd texture that's making me hate it,  and I'm retaining water like like crazy, so sometimes I can get barely a trickle ouot and it burns.  It just all ddddddddddddddfd;\


I just recalled I was=][';p[-
puffinva;

3 Ambien you sit here watcing th ecat clean
I thhrreee

HAHAHAHAHA!  I just read this and thought you should all know that I took an Ambien and promptly fell asleep at that last part.  HILARIOUS.

Bllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

There's really no way for me to express how angry and frustrated I am right now.  I just checked Dee's scale and it said 275.  A couple days ago it said 271.  Weight fluctuates, I know, but it's clear I've gained another 20 pounds.

I put a pair of old pants on to go to the store with Nathan and the inner thigh felt weird.  I put my hand down to check and there was a huge hole on the inner thighs of my pants.  My legs rub together so intensly that it wore out the fabric and it finally couldn't hold anymore.  I was going to have Dee patch them up, but upon further examination, there were tears staring along the ass pockets.  Those pants didn't have any stretch, and it was abundantly clear that packing lard into them was just too much for them to handle.

So I need to get more pants now, which I disapprove of.  But Nathan says having one pair of jeans and one pair of shorts is a bad idea.  He said we could go shopping sometime and he'd pay for them.
I'm pretty worried about Dee's bridesmaid dress.  Am I still gonna fit into that thing?  I just don't know.

My vagina is super dry and itchy as hell.  It's also excessively sweaty and the odor it's emitting is most disconcerting.  I have a to do list for tomorrow.  One of my things to do is call the doctor.  I want my empty snatch checked for a bacterial infection and I want her to put me on a diet, so at least it's doctor recommended.  Then, when that fails, I'll be ready for the lapband.  And believe me.  It WILL happen.  I'm about 25 pounds away from 300.  My top belly roll sticks waaaay out, and my bottom roll hangs so low it nearly covers my entire pube region.  I won't stand for it.  No sir.
Also, I was watching the Simpons today and they mentioned Homer weighed 239.  I'm fatter than Homer.  OUCH.

Also, my estrogen is TOTALLY low.  I have to get some blood work done to see how low, but the skin on my face feels like sandpaper, I'm getting more hotflashes, my vag is super itchy and super dry, and I've been crying almost nonstop for 3 days now.

Tyne has had a lot of success with a program she got through work.  She's lost 20 pounds on it so far.  She said she's going to buy the program for me in May.  Maybe this can help me.  Tyne said you couldn't have sugar for 3 weeks, to get it out of your system.  I'm not really sure if that includes ALL sugar, including fruit, juice, or chocolate soy milk (which I use in my protein shakes).  I'm trying to start now, and have been okay so far.  I went shopping and found so many cakes and cookies I wanted to buy, but I told myself no.  It made me pretty goddamn cranky.  The next day I wanted some peanut butter M&Ms, but I settled for a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich.  Yesterday I was okay.  I stayed away from sugar until I was at Nathan's.  We had dinner then he broke out the box of Drumsticks.  I had one.
Whoops.

Bad Dreams

I had a dream last night I was on the stage of a big auditorium.  It was packed full of strangers and people I love, like my mom and sisters. I was just standing there and people were taking turns coming up to a microphone in front of me, telling how disgusting and obese I am.  I tried to argue with them, but ended up agreeing with all of them and bawling.  Needless to say, I feel like I only got 4 hours of sleep.

......

I just weighed myself at Dee's.  I cried all the way home.  At Mom's I was 267, at Dee's I was 271.  So I've put on approximately 15 pounds, give or take.  I can never tell when I'm retaining water.
I just want to drive off a bridge.  Right now I'm thinking I'd rather have stayed drugged out on Tylenol 4 instead of having the surgery.  Not that I didn't binge eat before or anything.  My eating habits are pretty much the same, I just can't burn shit off like I did before.

I'm going to spare you all repeated paragraphs of self loathing, and will just say I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow to get an appointment set up.  I want her to put me on a diet, then I can be prepped for the lap band when she thinks I'm ready.

Also, if anyone has any odd jobs they need done, my COBRA payment is 400 a month, and I need a way to keep making those payments.

Don't Worry

Don't worry everyone, I'm still fat, and I'm still menopausal.

I'm staying at Trudy's for awhile, like 3 months, to look after her cats.  There's not really much to do and I keep finding myself eating out of boredom.  Sometimes I behave and have a can of tuna.  Sometimes I'm bad and eat a box of hoho's.  At least this house has stairs, so I'm forced to go up and down or pee and poop in my pants.  I'm just so bored when I'm here.  I sit on the couch all day and watch TV.  I should be out walking, but I'm a piece of shit.
Since I have nothing to do I paint my nails a lot.  I'm working on a line of superhero colors, which involves layering different colors and sparkles.  Yesterday I did a blue color I called superman.  I did them again tonight in a green/aqua color.  I'm not sure whether I should call this one the green lantern or aquaman.  I'm leaning toward aquaman.  I continue to wonder why I bother when people won't even notice how sexy my nails are because the rest of me looks like a wad of lumpy cookie dough in a pillow case.

I keep boiling up at night and waking up all gross and sweaty.  It's giving me yeast infections.  I'm not looking forward to full fledged summer heat.

I am looking forward to June though!  Why you ask?  I'm going to join the Y and start back up with water aerobics.  I'm waiting until June because that's when I'm done commuting to Grinnell.
I'm pretty stoked.  I did water aerobics when I lived in Newton and it was always the highlight of my day.  I love the water.  It's like, the perfect workout for me.  My body stays nice and cool, I get a great workout, and it's easy on my joints.  I like going for walks, but goddamnit, my ankle, back, and knees really bug me.  When I did water aerobics in Newton I lost 25 pounds.  I don't imagine I'll lose any weight, but damnit I'll feel better.  The class is at 6 pm, which also suits my love of the night.  Seems like a win/win for me.  The only thing that would suck is I'd be going by myself.  In Newton I had a dedicate workout partner, Charity from work.  We kept each other motivated.

While I've got insurance I'd like to go see my doctor and start a doctor supervised diet.  My motive behind this is prepping for a lap band, since you have to do 6 months of doctor supervised dieting, but if by some small chance I actually lose weight doing it, then that's something.

I've been avoiding weighing myself for a long time, but I grew some balls tonight and did it at my mom's.  I'm not too worked up over it.  It was 265, but, as demonstrated in the past, my dumb body fluctuates about 50-10 pounds.  It's possible I may have gained a couple, but whatever.  I did it in the afternoon, and I'm always heavier then.  My clothes all still fit the same.