It All Makes Sense Now

I had my phone consult with my Kansas City doctor and some weird things I had noticed suddenly made a lot of sense.  Lately I've not been able to sleep, I've been generally sad, my palsy has been TERRIBLE, and my heart has been beating really fast and hard.  (That's what she said).  Like, when I lay down to sleep I can feel it pounding like crazy.  I figured it was just a fat thing, but my thyroid levels have gone WAY up.  I've been on the same dose for awhile, but for whatever reason it's all jacked up now so I have to decrease the dose.
My estrogen is in the crapper again.  It's back down to post menopausal levels.  That one is no mystery.  AND NO ONE YELL AT ME FOR THIS BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW HOW STUPID IT IS.  I've been avoiding refilling meds as much as possible.  There are some that I can't go without for long without getting really sick, so I've been taking them like, every other day so I don't have to refill them as often.  The one I've been neglecting most is my estrogen.  I told the doctor and he said what I expected him to say.  "Take your estrogen!"  I know, I know.  So I need to call the pharmacy and have it mailed to me so I don't have to drive clear out to Johnston.
It's always so easy to tell when my estrogen is tanking.  My hot flashes get infinitely worse.

My horrific yeast infection is better I think.  Although it got a lot worse before it got better.  I finished my 7 day probiotic treatment and am now just taking regular probiotics.  The infection was under my bottom belly roll in addition to my vag, so I was feeling gross and miserable all around.
The comfrey hydrosol from prairieland herbs was a big help for the belly.  I'm finding a lot of their stuff to be useful in caring for this heap of shit that houses my organs.  The comfrey spray helped clear up the belly thing, the lemon balm spray is getting rid of my canker sore and taking the swelling way down, (my muscle relaxers give me bad dry mouth, which gives me canker sores).  I ordered a bigger bottle so I can use it as a sort of mouth rinse.  It also helped with my cold sore.  It never crusted over or oozed, and it never got any bigger than an eraser head.  So shout out to Prairieland Herbs.  I use their Wise Woman cream for my face since it gets so dry and had Squirt and Mom try the 3 citrus face cream.  My mom is in love with it now and likes how she knows what all the ingredients are.  Of course I religiously use their rosemary mint body powder, which really does last all day and keeps my sweat smell down.  Anything else of theirs I can plug?   Mmm, nope, I think that's it.  Oh wait, their lotion bars (solid lotion in a deodorant stick) are great for after swimming.  They're good at keeping the chlorine itch down.

I finished my last fat class tonight, so all of my requirements for gastric bypass have been met.  The only hurdle left is getting insurance to approve it.  I kept hearing horror stories from other people at the classes and it's got me worried.  When it comes to insurance, I think I should get special treatment. I feel like the entire insurance world should revolve around ME, and give ME what I want.  And I don't, not even for a second, find that selfish.  Those ultra rich mother fuckers can MORE than afford to cover me and every other sick person.  SO DO IT.  I swear to little baby Jesus, if they try to get in my way, I'm going to stomp someone's trachea.  I've given them roughly $5,000 this year for COBRA.  And it's not all of my money.  It's money from a whole goddamn team of people because IT COSTS SO MUCH.  This is your warning Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Arkansas.  Let me have my life back or I will tear you down, piece by mother fucking piece.

Listen To Me!!!

Jesus Christ.  Every now and then I want to smack Nathan.  He just came into the living room asking if he should throw out his old prescriptions.  I was like, "I already got rid of that stuff you're allergic to."  Then he says, "no, this is the stuff from the hospital."  FOOL!  They gave him Prednisone, Allegra, and Pepcid.  I don't care if he stops Allegra and Pepcid, but TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS/NURSES said TAKE THE FULL COURSE OF THE STEROID.  First he was arguing with me about what it was for.  I said something like, "make sure you take the prednisone since it will help your swelling."  He tried to argue with me that it's for rashes and itching.  NO IT'S NOT.  I've taken it before goddamnit.  They give it to me for my back sometimes for inflammation.  I told him that's what the Allegra was for.  So did he take the full course?  No.  I'm sure it's fine, but he doesn't take it seriously.  Like, this one time he decided he should just stop taking his sleep medicine.  IT'S A FUCKING BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICINE, and he's been on it for YEARS.  Like, since his age was in the single digits!  They use it for sleep and menopause.  I've actually asked my doctor about switching to it.
Of course I told him not to do that, but he did it anyway, and then he got really sick with a headache and stomach shit.  DUMBASS!  You're dating a fucking medicine cabinet.  Listen to me when I tell you something is a bad idea!  Jesus fucking Christ.  It's really goddamn irritating so now I'm mad at him and he's mad at me.  Too bad for him, because I'm right.

In other news, I only have one more fat class to go.  I got a call from the bariatric center wanting to know if I was going to have the same insurance for the new year and how far I'd gotten in the class.  I tried to call them today, but the lady I need to talk to won't be in until tomorrow.  It got me a little excited.  I'm thinking about only carrying a part time load this coming semester for DMACC since this surgery WILL happen soon.  If it doesn't, I'll kill someone.
Oh, and I guess there are more classes I have to take, but I don't have to take them until my surgery is scheduled?  I'm not sure.  COULD THIS FUCKING PROCESS BE ANY SLOWER!  CUT OUT MY GUT SO I CAN HAVE MY LIFE BACK ALREADY!

Encouragement

I sent an email to my friend Trudy, the one I cat sit for all the time.  She had gastric bypass a few months ago and I wanted to see what her progress and experience had been.  Her email was very encouraging and has just made me more determined than ever to have gastric bypass.

I feel great. I eat pretty normally now, even sweets, and have no problems. I certainly don't eat as much but I think it's a lot. I keep thinking

that I'm going to gain weight but I haven't. I was in a size 2 X but I am in a size 10 petite now (sometimes a 12 for jeans). I have bought all my clothes at 2nd hand shops as there are a lot of smaller sizes. It's funny, I know that I lost weight but I don't feel any "different". I would have stayed heavy if I felt good but I got to the point of hurting all the time and not doing much. Now my one knee hurts only occasionally and I can do so much. I am even taking yoga and getting stronger. At my age, I don't really care as much how I look, but I am so glad that I feel so well.

You will be so surprised at first at how little you eat but after a year, you will be "normal". I do try to get my protein in and I take my vitamins most of the time. I eat meat, eggs, Greek yogurt and sometimes the protein powder to get my protein. It is so much easier to eat healthily as the cravings don't rule me like they used to. And I do not "diet" - I eat what I want; I just try to eat as healthily as I can.

I am so glad that you are going to do this too.

Trudy

PS: I was 200 plus pounds and now I am down to 151. Just for the fun of it, I would like to get into the 140s and I probably will as I am still losing (it seems) a pound or so every month. We'll see - no biggee. And Stephanie (my PA) says that one thing bigger people have is strong muscles that weigh more as we had to have them to hold our weight so some of my weight is muscles.

Maybe I'm Sad

I've been sleeping a lot lately.  I was doing really well getting up before noon and being productive.  Maybe it's because it's so gray outside.  Maybe it's other shit.  I fucking hate this time of year.  It's gray, there are way too many crows around, and there are people EVERYWHERE.  It's like the population of the the U.S. quadruples for 2 months.  I leave for Tuesday water aerobics at 4:45 pm.  Traffic isn't awesome, but I get there at least 10 minutes early.  The other day I was 10 minutes late because traffic was so bad.  People are ASSHOLES.  No one fucking moves over to let other cars in.  I leave 4 car lengths between myself and the car in front of me and I get REALLY pissed off when people look frustrated behind me.  Sorry, I'm turning this into a road rage blog.
Anyway, I went to the store with Nathan and there were no parking spots, then we were going to stop at Gateway Cafe for supper, but it was jam packed so we picked up one of those cooked chickens and left.  WERE DO ALL OF THESE PEOPLE COME FROM!!??

I've been thinking about Dad an awful lot lately.  I had this dream that he was grilling food at a big party.  He looked so happy, but he never talked.  He just kept laughing and looking happy and grilling.  I was walking between these white garages in a big green field.  There were hundreds of them, and in the middle was the party.  No matter where I was between the garages I could always see Dad.
For awhile I though I'd be fine not taking my higher xanax dosage, but as soon as I stopped it I got really sad and couldn't stop thinking about him.  I was going to get him some more mustache wax and shaving soap for x-mas.  I got him some from Etsy for Valentine's day.    He was so stoked because he couldn't find the stuff anywhere.  I got him a little tin of wax and a travel chapstick size.
I should go back to therapy, but I didn't like the therapist I was seeing so I quit going.  I feel like I can't be helped right now.  It's like, my feelings just have to run their course.  Listening to someone say that what I'm feeling is normal is not helpful.  I have a med check in January with January.  Haha.  That's her name.  I call all of my doctors by their first names.  Is that rude?  Should I be calling them Dr. So and So?  Whatever.

Second Fat Class

Feeling a little more hope now.  Hope is a dangerous thing.  I cried a little during class.  Not really noticeably or anything.  It could have been from my lack of estrogen, but I felt like I wasn't alone, like, genuinely not alone.  I know there are other people out there, but something about being in the same room with them got to me.  I could tell they were all feeling the same as me.  Desperate and too afraid to actually hope.
Tonight we talked about managing lapses and eating out.  She talked about different types of people in our lives, and how they can influence our decisions when choosing what to eat, from enablers to silent saboteurs.  The silent saboteurs are the people that, without really meaning to, tell you so often what you should or shouldn't be doing/eating that you can't help but feel like a failure.
She really gave me some stuff to think about.  I have to change my whole mindset.  For instance, we were talking about falling off the wagon.  She told us a habit doesn't just take 21 days to stick, it takes over 200 days.  And that while we feel guilty for breaking down and bingeing on cookies or whatever, we should just get over it and continue on instead of giving up altogether.  People freak out about all the food they eat during the holidays or whatever, but she said, "one day will not, CANNOT ruin progress you've made with good habits.  Your body won't instantaneously pack the extra calories on as fat.  It takes your body two weeks of receiving excessive calories for it to start turning them into fat. ONE DAY WILL NOT BREAK YOU."
I didn't know that.  Me, and everyone else in the room were kind of dumbstruck, because we've all done the exact same thing.  Try to make too many changes all at once then fail one day and decide to just abandon the whole thing.
She REALLY emphasized how if we're going to start making changes, we start with one thing, and ONLY one thing.  She said if we're used to eating 3 or 4 pieces of pie after a meal, and we manage to just eat one piece, that's a huge success, and we should treat it like one.  And it's not until we've mastered that one thing that it's okay to move onto another.
That's got to be one of my biggest problems.  I have this all or nothing kind of mentality that I need to change.  The idea of making one small change is foreign to me.

I'm pretty irritated with myself for waiting so long to go to the fat classes.  Even though they're only an hour long, I'm getting more out of them than any other thing I've ever tried.
She also talked about how she will never, never, never tell us there's something we are forbidden to eat.  When she first started out as a dietician, she'd lay out for people what they could and couldn't have.  Eat vegetables.  You can't have a cookie.  Eat lean meats.  No white bread.  So on and so forth.  She said it was the biggest failure of her career.  No one was able to adhere to the instructions.  It was when she changed her method to one of acceptance instead of denial that she started to see people succeed.  You want a cookie?  Yes.  Have one.  Enjoy yourself.  But with the surgery you'll be hard pressed to finish a whole one.  Still, though, don't try to avoid it completely.

Another big thing for me is never feeling full, or acknowledging when I feel full.  She said the surgery is perfect for that.  You don't have to wait 20 minutes for your gut to tell your brain you're full.  It's instant, and you can't ignore the feeling.  I need that so much.  I can't read my hunger signals right now.  I've been trying to eat a little, then stop for 5 minutes to see if I'm still hungry, but I always still feel hungry.

I guess the bottom line is I'm bound and determined to have this done.  I think it's the right thing to do, and I don't think I'll regret it, just like the hysterectomy.

WARNING, THIS SECTION OF THE BLOG IS JUST ABOUT SINGING, SO IT MAY BORE YOU

My voice instructor Alayna asked if I wanted to come in for a couple extra lessons before the end of the semester.  I told her I'd love to, so we arranged for Monday and Tuesday.  Well I got so flustered over my math final that I completely spaced off my time with her on Monday.  I remembered right after I finished my final, when my brains started to work again.  So I went in Tuesday, looking rather sheepish.  She said, "You've got a lot of nerve showing up here today after standing me up yesterday."  I just grinned at her and said, "now you know I have no sense of dignity or shame."  She laughed.  I think she likes me.  I hope she does, because I really like her.
I haven't thought about singing this much since high school.  Only this time, I'm really enjoying it.  I stopped singing because of Dad, and now I'm singing again because of him.  I hope his energy is somewhere in the universe, listening to me progress.  And even though she's a fucking WHORE, I'm glad I sang at my cousin's wedding so Dad could hear me one last time.   I could tell he was proud too.  When I was singing I looked out at him and he smiled and did a little fist pump.  I miss him.  I miss the way he used to be, before his mind fell apart.

ANYWHO, I got off track there.  Alayna gave me the sheet music for the songs I asked her about for next semester.  She had me do kind of a brief run through of them and then said, "people are going to tell you you're good, and they're not wrong about that, but even if you are good, you can be better, and I'm going to take you there."  So she hands me these other two songs and says, "you're going to learn these before you learn the other two.  Think of them as tutor songs.  When you can sing these, you'll be ready to take on the other two, but you're going to have to work at it."
I'm excited.  I want to work at it.  And I feel exceptionally lucky to have stumbled upon her.  Certain things seem more effortless.  When I open my mouth to sing certain things, I'm kind of shocked as to what comes out.  Singing used to feel hard and labored and I'd panic about singing certain notes or vowels.  That gradually starting to go away.  Goddamnit Alayna, you're rocking my world.
I won't go on and on about it.  Usually I just talk to Tyne since she knows what I'm talking about.  Sorry for the tangent.

These are the two songs I want to sing next semester:

O Mio Babbino Caro and Song to the Moon

O Mio Babbino Caro isn't too tough and she has me working on that one already, but Song to the Moon is a beast, and she has to find someone on campus to teach me the Czech pronunciation.
So these are the other two "tutor" songs I have to learn before she'll let me sing it.  Tyne, if you're reading this, remind me to show you the new thing Alayna's having me do when I sing high notes.  It's so simple but it works like goddamn magic.

Lascia Ch'io Pianga and (I really apologize for this next link.  The singer isn't exceptional and the video is even worse, but I had a hell of a time finding someone that didn't completely suck at it or wasn't a counter tenor) Lungi Dal Caro Bene

Goddamn Italians and their goddamn love songs.  GOD.  I yearn for something in German about beer brawls or something in French about smoking cigarettes and eating sandwiches.

Oh yeah, if I actually DO get to have my own recital, I have a few other much simpler songs I want to do.  I seem to be attracted to Irish folk tunes.  I'll link them on here.  The Moonfall song I actually did at Simpson back when I wasn't going to class.  I had to sing something for a panel of professors because I was getting an incomplete.  They gave me an A.  Haha.  Suckers.

Moonfall (Cast recording)
Swing Low Sweet Chariot (Kathleen Battle, who is the shit)
The Water Is Wide (Renee Fleming, also the shit, but I don't like her version of this)
Shenandoah (I don't like this chick, but there aren't many good videos of this song)
The Salley Gardens (Some lady I don't know
Oh Danny Boy (Another lady I don't know)

SHIT DAY

I slept way too long, my scalp is peeling and leaving chunks of skin in my hair, I have a cold sore (I've only had 2 in my life, with the first appearing 3 years ago), I just put weight on my bad knee and almost collapsed, my yeast infection medicine made my vagina itch all night, and I'm still fat.  Oh, and I need to do my math final.

WHINE WHINE WHINE

One More Thing

Mom and I stopped at a restaurant after my dr. appointment.  We were sitting there finishing our drinks when I feel a hand on my shoulder.  I turn around, expecting to see someone I know, (which would have been weird since we were in Missouri), but there was a older woman I've never seen before.  She said, "I just had to come over here and tell you, you have the most beautiful skin."  At first I thought to myself, it's just a fatty glow, but I shut off my brain and said thank you.  When she was gone Mom and I were in agreement that she was going to say I had the most beautiful hair.  My hair did look pretty awesome today.  Then we decided people must just be more friendly in the south.  Unless you're brown.

After we were done eating, we went and visited my great uncle Jerry and aunt Betty.  I haven't seen them since.....  since I was like, 4 maybe?  Jerry is dying and is in a nursing home.  He was very close to my dad.  When Betty first looked at me she burst into tears and said, "my god!  You look just like your dad!"  Later I had to pass around my necklace so they could see Dad's fingerprint.  Jerry didn't really change expression while I was there except for when he saw the print.  He kind of smiled and then looked really sad.  Naturally Mom brought a few photo albums.  Betty was really enjoying them, and I think Jerry was too.  I just kept wondering what he was thinking.  I wonder if he was irritated at all of the chatter or if he was happy to have a distraction.  When I don't feel well I get spiteful.  It made me wish assisted suicide was legal, but that's a thorny issue.
Anywho, I'm going to print out some of Dad's photos for them, and I'm going to send them a print of my banjo drawing.

The top is a picture of Jerry, my grandma and Dad, and the bottom is my dad with Jerry's head kind of cut off.  They did a lot of hunting and fishing together.

I Should Be Doing Math....

But I don't want to right now.

I just got back from my appointment with my doc in Kansas City.  He took my blood and pee and x-rayed my knee.  Now I just have to wait for them to call me and tell me the results.  I swear to god he's my favorite doctor ever.  He asked how things were going and after expressing that I was too fat for the chairs in the waiting room, I told him I was bursting with self hatred.  He's seen me struggle with getting my weight down and is even keeping my thyroid levels slightly too high in an attempt to help me lose it.  Alas, it hasn't worked.  I asked him to write me a letter to give to the bariatric center so they could give it to my insurance company.  I also asked him to use the word 'plight' since it sounds cool.  So here's the letter:

Tiffini has been a patient of mine for close to 10 years and has struggled with thyroid problems, hormonal problems and weight problems.  she has tried every diet there is and still suffers from the plight of obesity.  She has combined weight loss programs, exercise programs and treatment with thyroid hormones and still doesn't lose weight.  She had a hysterectomy about a year ago and has gained 135 lbs since, despite diet changes, exercise and taking 5 grains of thyroid daily.  She has developed osteoarthritis in her right knee and ankle stemming from what would have been a minor injury had it not been aggravated by her weight.
As a rule of thumb, when approximating what a patient should weigh, I give everyone 100 lbs for 5 feet tall and then add 6 (small female), 8 (large female, medium male), or 10 (large frame male) pounds per inch.  At 5'6" that would make her ideal weight in the range of 136 to 148 lbs.  At 315 lbs, she is between 2 to 2 and a half times that figure.
She is looking forward to early adult onset diabetes, knee replacements, cardiovascular morbidity events and a whole lot of expensive medical procedures.
I think it would be in the best interest of this young lady to pursue bariatric surgery as she has tried everything I know available.

So now I need to get this letter to the insurance chick at the bariatric center.

Oh yeah, I also went to my first fat class last Wednesday.  Nathan hates me calling it fat class, but self deprecation suits me right now.
The nutritionist, who is just adorable, taught us about the deception of food names, like Wheat Thins and what not.  Using the words all natural, thin, organic, blah blah blah.  I already knew that.  She was like, "there are always fads.  That doesn't make them right.  First it was low fat, now it's low carb, which makes me laugh.  I'm predicting the next one will be low dairy.  We'll have to wait and see if I'm right."
She taught us the finger method.  Vitamins A and C, iron and calcium are required on all labels, even if it says "not a significant source of....."  If the daily value for each is at least 10%, you raise a finger.  Then you look at protein.  If it has at least 5 grams, you raise a finger.  Next is fiber, and if you have at least 10%, you raise a finger.  Next is sodium.  If it's under 300 g, you can keep a finger up, but you don't get to add one.  If it's over 300, you lose a finger.  The last one is a choice between fat and calories.  The nutritionist says she likes to go by fat most of the time.  If the total fat content is 10% or less, or it's under 200 calories, you keep a finger but can't add one.  If the fat is over 10% or over 200 calories, you lose a finger.
The idea behind this is, after surgery, the amount of food you can eat is severely limited, so there's no room for empty calories.  You have to eat things that are nutrient rich.  So, if you evaluate your label, and you have any less than 2 fingers remaining, your food is shit.  You HAVE to have AT LEAST two fingers.
She said everybody goes home and checks their cupboard after this lesson, and sure enough, Nathan and I started plowing through.  My Chewy granola bars get zero fingers.  Surprisingly, Nathan's pop tarts got two fingers.  (One of the slides she showed us was comparing Kellog's pop tarts and organic toaster pastries.  The organic had zero fingers, and the Kellog's had two, so beware of shit that is organic, it's not always best.)
We also found that my protein shakes get 2 fingers, but I can add a finger for the almond milk I put in them.  Nathan's goddamn Ovaltine gets 4 fingers, without the milk!  I was pissed.  Aside from unlabeled fruits and veggies and meats, the fucking Ovaltine was the most nutrient rich food in the cupboards.  Even the lentils only had 3 fingers.  Duh.  It kinda forces me to look at food differently.  I don't like snacking on carrots and fruit and whatnot because I never feel full, so I end up eating crap in addition to anything good.  After this surgery I'll actually feel full and satisfied by good stuff.
The class gave me a little bit of hope, but not enough to make me completely optimistic.  I have this fear that something is going to get in my way and I won't be able to have it done.