Blood Work

Just got some blood work back.  My cholesterol is down 30 points, but it's still a little high.  Some of my liver enzymes are high, which is a first.  I looked some shit up and obesity/fatty liver will cause that.

My migraines have been SIGNIFICANTLY better.  So that's a bit of good news.  Since starting the B2 and magnesium I've only had 3.  That's a huge improvement.

I've started counting carbs again.  I've only been doing it 4 days, but I'm doing well.  No horrible cravings or anything.  I tried making a black bean chocolate cake, which sounds awful, and is, but fights off a junk food craving for only 5 g of carbs and a lot of fiber.

I can't remember if I mentioned this before, but I have to re-do a bunch of stuff for the bariatric center under my new insurance.  I have to meet with a dietician and be monitored for a month, I have to meet with a new surgeon since the one I met with last time is leaving in 2 months, I have to fill out their enormous packet again, get more blood work, and a couple other things.

My unemployment is officially up, so I HAVE to get a part time job.  I was dreading this.  Trying to find work when I'm so fat.  My back has been really bad lately.  My chiro says my L5 disc is inflamed, which makes sense since that was one of the 3 that were bulging a few years ago.  My current weight situation will only aggravate that.  I'm terrified I'll only be able to get a job where I'm on my feet all goddamn day, and after a couple of days I'll just give up and die from the pain in my back and feet.  When I was in embalming 1 class I'd be on my feet for 4-5 hours one day a week, and I felt nearly crippled for a couple days after.  Surely an employer wouldn't mind providing a chair for occasional breaks, right?

On an unrelated note, I'm going to dye my hair.  It's not like it will make me look any better, but I need something make me feel better and get my mind off of bullshit.

What A Waste

Thursday was a bad day.  I TRIED to make it a good day.  I really did.  I ran several errands, made contact with other humans...
It all ended in shit, though.  
First the deal with the bariatric center had me all upset.  Then I got a 5 minute rambling message from my aunt after she had to pay a lawyer for some estate stuff.  This isn't all of it, (the VanTomme's are my cousin's in-laws):

"Hey Tiff, aunt Cheri, you bet your ass
I'll tell you what, thanks for loving me like you loved your dad
thank you very very much
but I'll tell you what, the VanTomme's have 1.2 million 
and the will, it's clean and it's clear
I paid 1200 dollars for a lawyer
you're done, you're fucked up, you're fucked
I'll tell you what, thank you very much
how could you treat your dad like this you mother fucker?
Have you got 1.2 million dollars ? The VanTomme's do, and they're on Tawny's side. 
And what we have all that evidence from when Dode was here (Dode is short for Dorabelle, who is my great aunt).
How could you fucking do it? You FUCK. I'll kick your ass
You're done, you son of a bitch, FUCK YOU, you left him with a dying heart
how could you let your dad die with a broken heart?
Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you
Don't ever come around here on the property again, there's a restraining order being processed now for you
Tyne, and Alexis
you came in here and you took things
you didn't read the will, you're fucked
I will take what I have to take and I've got friends up the ass
1800 dollars and I have my friends
Go ahead, sue me, I don't care
1.2 million, do your uncles have it? The VanTomme's have it.
YOU FUCKING FAT ASS FUCK
I'm sorry but what you did to your dad sucked, you son of a bitch
see ya girl, try 1.2 million, got ya, HAHAHA!, got ya!"

That got my guts all up in a knot.  Most of her ramblings didn't make any goddamn sense, but she is on every illegal drug known to man, so that's not a surprise.  I was worried she'd do something to my mom, so I spent 45 minutes trying to get ahold of her.  Her phone was going straight to voicemail so I was freaking out.  Eventually I heard back from her.  She had been in a condo meeting.  

In the middle of all that shit, Nathan came home and wanted to go out to eat.  I was in a terrible mood and my back was hurting, so I asked if we could just call something in and pick it up.  He got all grumpy and stormed out the door.  That pissed me off and I spent about an hour sobbing so hard I thought I would puke.  After I calmed down a bit I went for a drive to clear my head.  Nathan had come back by that time and when I walked in the door he apologized, but I was still pissed and yelled at him not to talk to me.  He went in his room, I stewed for about half an hour, then I went in his room and said sorry and everything was fine. 

Today we went out for supper and we talked about it briefly.  He said he was still upset from my behavior when I was on my little bender.  Then I tried to explain why I was so upset, and broke the news that I felt like cutting myself that night.  He didn't handle that well.  He was like, "I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME AND FIND YOU DEAD ON THE FLOOR!"  So we had to talk more about all of that, which is always uncomfortable for me.  I reassured him I have a well trained team of people that look out for me.  

So as far as the bariatric center, I have to redo several things because it's been a year since I initially put in the request.  I have to get another letter from my psychiatrist, I have to get more blood work, I have to meet with a nutritionist, I have to have another surgeon consult because the original surgeon I met with is leaving in 2 months, I have to have an EKG and I have to take the chip in from my CPAP so they can download the information to make sure I've been using it.  I have a new packet coming in the mail that I have to fill out as well.  

Also, when I talked to the insurance lady, she said my initial claim to Blue Cross was denied BECAUSE MY PSYCH LETTER WAS FROM A NURSE PRACTITIONER, NOT A DOCTOR.  That's it.  That's the reason I'm still waiting.  THERE ARE PSYCHIATRISTS IN THAT OFFICE THAT COULD HAVE SIGNED OFF ON THAT LETTER.  WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?????!!!!!

Needless to say, I'm fucking stressed out, full of self loathing, and still feeling doomed.  

Oh yeah, and while my indiegogo account is stalled and hasn't had any contributions lately, the Oatmeal has raised another million dollars to build a Tesla museum.  I need that guy to do my PR.  

Untitled

My back is feeling a bit better.  I went to the chiro and she said my L5 disc was inflamed and so were my back muscles.  I've been trying to move around to loosen up the muscles, but it still hurts.  I go back in in an hour for another adjustment.

I also decided to call the bariatric center, even though I'm always terrified of what they'll say.  It's been awhile since I took them my new insurance card and I haven't heard anything.  I was transferred to the insurance lady and she was like, "why do you think the insurance company's answer will be different this time?"  I was like, "uhhh, because it's a completely different company??"  Apparently no one told her I had new insurance.  So once we figured that out she was like, "oh god, give me your number so I can check with you tomorrow!"  Fabulous.  I'm glad I called.
I'm relieved, but I'm also pissed.  I called the front desk a few weeks ago and wanted to make sure Pam, (the insurance chick) knew that I had called the new company to see what their requirements were, yadda yadda.  The first step is the doctor has to fill out a form citing medical necessity and they have to make sure I've jumped through all of my hoops.  The woman I talked to just said, "I'm sure they know all that already, thanks for calling."  I figured they had everything in order, but instead I just wasted another two months waiting.

It's Always Something

After my little bender I fell asleep around 7am and didn't wake up until midnight.  Dee had come over with one of her dogs at 11 am because Nathan texted her that he was worried about me, so I woke up for that.  I wasn't sure why he was worried since he doesn't read my blog, but I guess I was acting BIZARRE.  I went into his room around 4 and just sat on his bed bawling.  He had no idea what was going on.  Then I went to bed and got back up when he was in the shower and I asked if I could watch because I love him so much.  I don't remember any of this.
I apologized and told him what was going on, and I went back to bed around 1 am.  I got up at 8 this morning.  I stopped at Gateway and got a salad and am going to go to water aerobics with Dee tonight, but I'm waiting for my chiro to open at 2:30 pm.  My back is pissed off.  I can't stand up straight and have a searing pain going from the top of my right butt check down to my hip.  It's making me feel like I'm gonna barf.  I hate my back.  I hate my body.  I hate everything.

Under the Influecne

This post may be incoherent.   I'm under the influence.
I have been extremely, EXTREMELY depressed lately.
This is going to make some of you that know me well uncomfortable.  I want to cut myself.  I want to cut myself hard.  I don't want to do it because the death of my father was a year ago is still fresh in my mind and in the mind of my family.  I want to do it because i can't feel anything.  NOTHING.  Nothing is getting past this rhino skin.  I can't cut myself, and I can't kill myself, because I've been with my family throughout my dad's death, and it's been so fucking hard.  I'm medicated enough right now to know that suicide would be completely selfish.  There was a time I couldn't see that.  That was back in college.  I'm resorting to a kind of isolation suicide.  I keep myself away from everyone so it's like I don't exist.  I was talking to my psychiatrist the other day and she was trying to figure out if my problem was mental or physical.  I told her it's a struggle between both.  Embalming hurts because I'm on my feet so long, but I psych myself up and ready myself for the pain, which can be even worse.  But at the same time I'm going over and over in my head, "will I fit in the embalming room?  I'm the fattest person in the world, do they have room for me?  Are they thinking about embalming me right now????
In the past I would just hack at myself, but that seems like so much trouble.  If I knew no one would see it, it would not be a big deal, but everyone will see it.  And I don't relally want to die, I jsut want to be well.  I want to get that call from Mercy that says, "YOU'VE BEEN APPROVED, JUST SET A DATE."
Until then, I wake up early, see no reason to be awake, and force myself back to sleep where I have crippling nightmares that I can't even describe.  They're horrible enough to jerk me out of sleep, crying.   I don't want to feel, so I put all of my effort into going back to sleep.  I need help, but I din't know who to turn to.  I'm lost.  I'm broken.  I'm nothing.
Right now I'm on 4 xanax, 4 ambian, and two big glasses of whiskey and some powdered kratom.  I feel properly out of my head, which is what I wanted so badly.
My family and friends are going to be worried.  Hell, I'M WORRED.  I can't stop the stream of tears from falling down my face.  I can't bring myself to get up out of bed.  I desperately try to go back to sleep, so I can't feel anything.  And I don't see any point to my life.

I did manage to take a shower today, but what good did it do?  Now I need to use deoderant uner all of my dam rolls and folds, and that makes me fucking sick.

SOMEONE SAVE ME.  PLEASE.  I'M LIVING IN PURGATORY RIGHT NOW.  I'M NOT ALIVE, I'M NOT DEAD, BUT THERE'S AN INSURANCE COMPANY STANDING IN MY WAY WITH THE ABILITY TO CHANGE. MY.  MOTHER.  FUCKING.  LIFE.  HELP ME.
HELP ME.  HEEEEELLLLP MEEEEEEEE!!!!  KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!

A Relevant Tune

Try Failing A Little More

I passed all of my summer classes with 2 A's and 2 B's, so that's not what I'm talking about.

I have been
SO
DEPRESSED
And I am an utter failure at life.

I haven't had any Ambien in at least 2 weeks.  I accidentally missed my appointment in July, and either I forget to reschedule, or something is up with the office.  Last time I called their computers were down so they asked me to call again.  Since I haven't had it my sleep has gotten super fucked up and I miss office hours, even if I set my alarm.  Yesterday I fell asleep at 8 am and woke up at 8 pm, but in my defense, I had a migraine.  Although the migraine was significantly less horrific.  My eyes didn't swell or anything and the pain was bearable, so I didn't bother taking an imitrex.

I don't have any ambition to do anything.  Not even make phone calls.  I'd just lay perfectly still 24 hours a day if I didn't have so many hot flashes and a need to roll over to let parts of my dry/cool off.

The only way I can describe it is kind of like this.

Fear

I have been so damn anxious lately.  All of my classic anxiety from college/high school is back.  I'm scared to go anywhere alone.  I usually wait for Nathan to come home and ask him to come with me if I need to go somewhere.  I dread calling people I don't know, like for insurance bullshit.  I try to put it off as long as possible.  I also don't want to answer the door.  I did that in college all the time.  Someone would knock and I'd be super quiet until they went away.  I've been doing that again, like with my landlord or my neighbor.
Our toilet was running so Nathan called the landlord and he arranged for someone to come over the next day.  I was too freaked out to answer the door, so I hid back in Nathan's room until he was gone since he had a key to get in.
I don't know what my freakin' deal is.

On the migraine front, things are looking up.  I started B2 and magnesium.  The first day I took them I got a headache, but the second, third and fourth day I didn't get a headache.  Not even a hint of a headache.  I forgot to take my pills today and I just had to take an Imitrex.  A couple of friends seem to think this is a placebo affect, but if you've ever had a migraine, you know what the pain is like and that mind tricks don't make them go away.  It's like saying placebo birth control pills prevent pregnancy because you think you're taking the real thing.

My mouth guard has been working well, but I took it to my mom's this weekend and thought I packed it, but now I can't find it.  That thing was 70 bucks, goddamnit.  I just ordered a new one, but I didn't want to spend another 70 bucks, so I got a $20 one.  Geez.

This weekend I was thinking about starting the Optifast program to give me a jump start on losing weight.  I thought it was a prepackaged meal plan, but I did some research and it's just a liquid diet.  You drink a protein shake 5 times a day and that's all you're allowed.  I saw some good reviews, but there were a lot of bad reviews from people saying as soon as they stopped the program they gained all of their weight back, and the urge to binge on chewable food was overwhelming, so now I'm not so sure.  It makes sense to be on a liquid diet after bypass because you're stomach is tiny and wounded.  I'm not sure if I could do it without that tool.