Don't Yell at Me!

Goddamnit, I already know I need to pull my head out of my ass.  I don't need a big lecture.  I have no intention of just letting the bodybugg sit in obscurity on my dresser for the rest of time.  As soon as I get home from Grinnell I'll begin again.  Bodybugg, counting calories, working out (even if it is just moderate activity.)

I know I binge eat, and I know I have hormone issues.  I keep scouring the internet for more information, and all I can find right now is confirmation that hormone issues will cause weight gain.
I still feel like my weight is 100% my fault, so it's hard to dig out of that and just let go.
I have been down lately, and I have turned to food.  Sometimes I do well, sometimes I just suck.
Since I've been in Grinnell I've eaten fast food 4 days in a row.  GROSS.  I got sick of it today so I ate some pot roast my mom made and a baby romaine salad with greek oil dressing.  I was still hungry so I had some pasta and a granola bar.

I'd really like to have the bodybugg on me right now, considering I'm being pretty active, but I'm not driving to Des Moines to get it.  It will have to wait until I can get home.

I've done well eating out with Nathan these past few weeks.  We went to Applebee's and I got one of the under 550 calorie meals.  I ate slowly and enjoyed the food.  I left feeling full, but not painfully stuffed.  I did the same thing when we went to Cafe Phoenix in Grinnell for Valentines day and again when we went to Hessen Haus.  I ignored all of the side dishes and just ate my main course with dignity.  Also, if I want pop with a meal and can't get diet, I'll order a big glass of water and mostly drink that, with a few sips of the pop in between.
So I'm trying to be conscientious about my eating.
I've been wanting to buy one of the huge bags of peanut butter m&m's, but instead I get one bar of dark chocolate and munch on that.

I've been sort of enjoying having achy muscles after painting all day, so I really want to get on the resistance bands.  Hammer them hard.  If it hurts to walk for long with my knees and ankles and back being a piece of shit, then I should make up for it by getting my muscles strong.

Here's another thought for me to mull over.  Before you can be approved for a lap band or gastric bypass, you have to undergo 6 months of doctor supervised dieting.  If I can get myself in that mindset, that would be good.  Like, keep saying to myself, "if I eat right and exercise, then there's hope I can get a lap band and hopefully end this mess of obesity."  If I end up making progress on my own, well then good on me.

I know no one that reads this is in favor of me having lap band surgery, but it's my glimmer of hope.  And don't think I'm not diligently researching it either.  This isn't a whim.  I've talked to Trudy about her surgeries and my doctor.  I'm looking for more women to talk to as well.  I want to get as much insight as possible.

Long story short, yes, I'm a bit depressed.  Yes, I've been giving up and doing this shit half hearted.  Yes, I know I need to kick it into gear.  No, I don't need everyone to keep telling me the same thing.  I already know.  I KNOW GODDAMNIT. 

So don't chew me out.  Just nudge me.  When Sara and Dee ask me to go for a walk, that reminds me it's time to get up and move.  And when they slow down for me, I know they're thinking of me and my health.  Nathan walks with me too, but his legs are so long, I don't like holding him back.
When Tessa gets more of her stuff out, I'll have room for my punching bag and what not.

So there.  Poop to you.

Dee!

This post is for Dee.  I haven't updated in awhile and she's about to go crazy.

So there's not really much to update I suppose.  I haven't lost any weight and I haven't gained any weight. 
I've been a real hobo and haven't been wearing the bodybugg or counting my calories.  I just keep thinking "what's the point?"  It all feels like novelty right now.  Count calories, see what you're burning so......  nothing will happen.  I just realized that's pretty stupid.  As my estrogen increases I should be keeping a vigilant eye.
Also, just because I'm not losing any weight doesn't mean I shouldn't watch what I eat. 
I'll have to get back in that mindset.  I'm all depressed right now about job hunting.

Hmm, I just had a thought then promptly forgot what it was.  Damn.

Oh, I think it was about exercise.  There were several days I wasn't doing shit because my back and knees and ankles were killing me, but I'm back up and walking and doing shit.  I've been in Grinnell for awhile now helping Tron out with painting the high school set.  I'm on my feet for 3-8 hours running around the shop, up and down ladders, and getting some strength stuff in.  Of course I go home and my back hurts, and I wake up and my back hurts, but I've got to keep moving.  It's absolutely essential. 

Also, Nathan got a job, so I'll be more inclined to do my cardio and resistance bands since I can't just hang out with him all day. 

Yesterday I felt pretty good about myself.  I didn't walk around feeling obese the whole day.  I felt like a human.  Maybe it's because I was out and about.  Whatev.

A Little More Informed

I can't remember if I already talked about this or not.  If I did you can all suck it and skip this post.

I was talking to this woman named Trudy that my mom used to work with.  She had a hysterectomy and just recently had a gastric bypass done.  She's lost 25 pounds so far.
I was asking her what the turn of events was after her hysterectomy.

She said after her hysterectomy she put on a lot of weight.  She'd tried all kinds of stuff to lose it, but it was hard for her to be active because her joints hurt.  After awhile she went to her doctor for problems with one of her hips.  He said it had to be replaced.  He also said that with all the weight she was carrying around her new hip would deteriorate quickly.  That's when she talked to him about gastric bypass.  She originally asked about a lap band, but her doctor said that with all of her past weight issues she should do a gastric bypass.  She followed a doctor supervised diet, and when it didn't work she went ahead with the procedure.  She hasn't looked back.  I was telling her about how my joints hurt all the time and it's hard to move around.  I can barely tie my own shoes or lean over to pick something up off of the floor because my belly gets in the way and my back hurts.

So Trudy told me she was having that same issue, and thought her life was pretty much over, but after the surgery she feels like she has her life back.  Her weight is coming off and it's getting easier to move around.  Her joint pain is dissipating.  I want that to be me.  My poor ankles are trying to support 255 pounds, and they're having a hard time.  Those poor little guys.

Anyway, Trudy sent me an article about this stuff called UNJury.  It's a protein supplement that you mix in with milk.  Kinda like Slim Fast, except it's only 100 calories and I mix it with almond milk, which saves me 20 calories.  Huzzah.  Trudy drinks it to keep her protein levels in check so she doesn't lose muscle mass.  The article talked about this guy that had over 150 pounds to lose and did it my substituting meals with an UNJury protein shake.  I've been trying to do the same.  It saved me a shit load of calories yesterday.  I had a total of 1500.
It's also helpful that my stomach has really been bothering me lately.  I can't eat very much before my gut starts to hurt, and if I eat something sugary I get instant heart burn.
I went to Hessen Haus with Nathan today to celebrate our interviews, (it was sort of funny, I said I had an interview at 1 pm on Wednesday, and he was like, "really???  I have an interview at 1 pm on Wednesday.")

Sorry, ramblin' about the bf.

I'm thinking more and more about how a lap band could really give me my life back.
BUT....  in the meantime, since I don't have a job and I don't have insurance, well, I just sent in my COBRA payment, I still need to give this time.

I think my higher estrogen dose is giving me canker sores.
Damn.

Some Info You Probably Don't Care About

Here's a link I've been looking at regarding lap band shit, http://www.aboutlapbandsurgery.info/lap-band-diet.html

It's pretty informative.  If I ever had the procedure done, I guess I'd have to look at it like this:  I can feel comfortable and be healthier, or I can keep eating shit that I'm addicted to, like bread and sweets, and eventually have weight related health issues, like heart disease.  What's more important to me, my life, or food. 
I'm sure all this extra weight isn't helping my joints at all.  I keep complaining about my knees and ankles hurting.  Of course I've done a number on my right leg.  Falling on my bad knee twice and rolling my ankle.  It's hard to get up and down stairs.  Hysterectomy will weaken your joints because of hormone depletion, which is probably why my ankle still bothers me.  If I were 100 pounds lighter.....  well jesus, that's 100 pounds off my joints. 
I don't know, it's still too early for me to tell, and I can't do anything until I have a job and insurance.  I'd like to have the option for short term disability again, which is how I handled my hysterectomy.  Disability at Iowa Telecom allowed me to take 6 weeks off of work.  I'd only need 1 to 2 for lap band.
It's probably too early to think about this, but as I've said many times before, my weight is always on my mind.  There's never a moment I'm not thinking about it.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life like that.  Whenever I'm walking around, whether I'm at the grocery store or going around the lake, I'm immediately uncomfortable.  I start to sweat and I can feel my back rolls touching my waist.  I'll lift up my shoulders or arms so I don't have to feel it, and I know it's clearly visible underneath my clothes.  I'd give up cake and cookies and brownies to have that feeling go away.  I just don't think I can do it on my own.

I'd like to feel comfortable during sex as well.  I know my weight doesn't phase Nathan one bit, but I don't like being on top because my belly hangs down and touches his.  I don't like any position except missionary, because my belly and and thighs and arm fat droop to the side.  I feel awful during oral sex because my bottom belly roll is right in Nathan's face. For the first time in my life, sex doesn't bring excruciating pain.  I'd like to be able to enjoy it completely.  I'd give up solid food for 6 weeks for that.

One More Thing

I'm not saying I'll never have the surgery, just that, right now, this very minute, I don't feel ready.
I did just do a questionnaire on the obesity control center website.  They recommended surgery.  My BMI is 41.  Someday.  Someday I'll be happy.

I'm Not Ready

After weighing in at 261, Tyne made me go weigh myself again in the morning.  I was back down to 255.  Crisis averted.  I'm still pissed and frustrated though.
I was reading about the lap band surgery online just now.  It sounds like a lot of work and a shitload of restrictions.  I want to lose weight SO BAD, but I'm not ready to spend 6 weeks on a liquid diet.   The article I was reading was written by a woman that had already had great success with the surgery.  Right after the procedure she realized she was a food addict.  It was all she could think about when she was finally faced with the consequences of the surgery.  That's the idea I suppose.  Re evaluate how you look at food and exercise, blah blah blah.
When I was talking to Tyne she said I should give it a couple years before I make the decision.  I was hell bent on 6 months, but now that seems wrong.  Two years seems more reasonable.
The recovery time is only 1-2 weeks, but I still don't think I'm ready.  I'd be forced to come to terms with my food addiction, but maybe I should be starting on that now.
I should probably go in and talk to my therapist Peg while I have insurance.

All I know is I love food, I hate my body, and I'm not patient enough to wait for my hormones to kick into gear. Everything is always a double edged sword.