I Almost Forgot....

The asshole was asking me about my meds.  He goes, "these are all depressants and will make you tired." I know.  He gave me this look like, "you'd better get off of these."  I gave him a look back that said, "don't fucking touch those meds if you want to live."  Cock monger.

Ass. ASS!!

Some doctors are just huge asses.  This is why I drive to Newton for my regular doctor.  I HATE finding new ones.
I went to my sleep study consult this morning, and everyone there was so great and so nice, except the doctor.  He was such a dick.  He's got the huge book I had to fill out in front of him, stating why I was there, and he very briskly goes, "so what do you want?"  I told him I wanted help sleeping.  Then he says, "so what's the problem?"  YOU HAVE A HUGE PACKET IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT.  READ IT!!!  So I mumble through some of my issues, the whole time imagining slamming his face into his desk over and over.
He repeats all of the questions from the form, and I answer them again, and then he asked about family.  I told him my dad had sleep apnea.  He asked if Dad wore a mask to sleep, so I said, yes, he used to.  Then he goes, "well why doesn't he wear it anymore?"  So I said, "because he's DEAD."  Then he got all apologetic and acted like less of a dick for the rest of the consult.  He said my circadian rhythms were all messed up.  Duh.  I already knew that.  He said he doesn't think Ambien is helping me at all.  He asked if I was ever short of breath, to which I answered, "yes, because I'm fat."  Then he was like, "oh, that's not what I mean."  Whatever, you penis.  Whatever.  He said sleep issues can cause weight gain, since your body tells you to eat when you're sleepy, because it needs energy to stay awake.
That made me think my weight gain is a more complex issue than I thought.  The absence of estrogen makes my body freak out and hold onto fat.  I can't sleep at night because I wake up with hot flashes or whatever, then I eat more because I'm tired.  I don't know.  Whatever.

I go in for the actual study on October 5th at 2 am.  They try to accommodate people's sleeping habits, which is nice.  They had me try on some CPAP masks.  I can't remember if they said they put one on everyone, or if they were just trying it on for future reference.  If this is sleep apnea, I really hope the gastric bypass helps.  I don't want to sleep with a mask for the rest of my life.
I can control the thermostat in my room, and there's a ceiling fan.  I may bring my own little fan.  I'll have my own bathroom and shower.  I have to wear pants to bed though.  BLEH.  Fuck pants.

Oh yeah, while I was in the waiting room, this guy had actually fallen asleep in his chair.  And everyone in the clinic was obese except one old lady.

I had a terrible thought going home.  I am my father.  Sleep issues, weight issues, bipolar disorder, tremors, all rolled into one.  At least I avoid tobacco and I don't drink anymore.  And I'm not on pain killers.

Short Update

My sister took care of me this weekend and looked up how long my COBRA lasts.  I thought it was 12 months, but it's 18!!!  This would be a larger victory if I could afford the COBRA on my own.  Derp.

My sleep study consultation is tomorrow at 11 am.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I have a feeling they're going to scold me.  It's only supposed to last half an hour.  I had to fill out this huge packet.  Maybe something good will come of this and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep for once in my life.  Even when I was little I had a "noisy brain" and couldn't shut it off long enough to sleep.  Seroquel helped that a lot, but I got to a point where I was sleeping the majority of the day.   I quit taking the Seroquel and didn't have anymore real problems with sleep until my surgery.  Now I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I get.  Curse this wretched body.

OH.  I got a massage on Sunday.  I helped Nathan move all of his furniture on Saturday and my back went out.  I also sprained my other ankle.  Not the one I rolled kickboxing, thank goodness.  During the massage my back was KILLING ME.  There were a couple of times when I wanted to yell at the guy to stop, but I'm glad he didn't.  He was working on my ass since I told him that's where my muscles get the tightest.  He used pressure on these 6 different spots on each cheek.  For the last spot he kind of pushed my ass cheek up, hard.  When he was done with my second cheek and did the shove up thing, my pain went away.  My back is still kind of stiff, but I'm amazed by the good it did.  Maybe I'll start doing that instead of the chiropractor.  I get a total of 5 minutes on her table for 45 bucks.  I can get a whole hour of massage for 60 bucks, and I think you all know how much I love back rubs.  "Back rub slut" is the term Nathan uses.
Tyne and Squirt, after he was done with the massage, he pulled the sheet up over my back and tickled me!  For the rest of you that may sound weird.  He didn't actually tickle me, he ran his fingernails over my back and gave me goosebumps.  My mom's done the same thing since my sisters and I were babies, and all three of us are addicted to it.  Each time we're home we fight for a spot next to Mom so she can tickle our backs.

Everything Is Falling Apart

I just called an insurance company to see if I could replace my COBRA.  They said none of their policies covered gastric bypass, and that they wouldn't even cover me, despite never having a lapse in coverage.  I'm too fat for them to cover.  I'm too fat for them to cover, but they won't help me lose weight.  WHAT THE FUCK GOOD ARE YOU??
There is nothing good in this world.  Nothing means anything.  There is no hope for me.  There is no hope for people like me.

Pew Pew Pew

I'm not in the mood to write an insightful blog, so this is going to be kind of rambling.  I wasn't in the mood to write several pages for my law homework either.  Whatever.

So my first fat meeting was on Tuesday.  It took FOREVER.  My back hurt and I sitting around in those hard chairs for several hours.  It made me incredibly irritable.  However, since I was in a fat clinic, the chairs were double wide!  That was a plus.  A PLUS SIZE!!!  GET IT????  Derp.  The first thing I had to do was fill out some stupid paperwork, then they took my weight and measured my body fat, then took my measurements and my picture.  They did a front and side shot so I'll have something to compare with later on.  All the ladies at the clinic keep saying what a great smile I have, but I can't see it behind the fat.    I had to sit through an hour long deal explaining each of the surgeries, lap band, sleeve, and bypass.  I was trying to guess what each person was in for, and I was only right for one them.  This woman who was about 500 pounds was going to get the sleeve (I thought bypass), a 300 pound man wanted the band (I figured bypass for that one too), and a 250 pound woman wanted the band ( I got hers right).  I was also trying to guess if anyone in the office had gone through weight loss surgery.  I guessed none of them had, but found out today 2 of them have.
The lady doing the meeting was really nice and she gave us a lot of detail, which was nice.  I didn't know you couldn't take any anti-inflammatory pills after the surgery because they'll eat a hole in your gut in a matter of hours.  You can only take Tylenol or get shots from your doctor.  I love Aleve, but I'm cool with Tylenol and god knows I'm not afraid of shots.
After the meeting I had to wait forever to talk to Mel, the insurance chick.  My coverage is actually really good, and one of the rare policies that covers the sleeve.  HOWEVER, she totally popped my bubble when she started talking about how my documentation of diet and exercise probably wasn't precise enough, and I'd have to go through another 6 months of doctor supervised shit.  I find that infuriating since I've been fighting this for a year and a half now.  I'd be less concerned about it if I wasn't on COBRA right now.  My last month for COBRA is December, and if I can't get the surgery by that time, my policy will switch and I'm not sure what their requirements will be, and if I have to start over AGAIN, I'll be livid.  Fat and livid.

This morning I had my surgeon visit.  They weighed me again and did blood pressure and shit.  Despite my disgusting fatness, my blood pressure is really good.  That's something I suppose.  So the doctor went through a lot of stuff I already knew about, but he also said a lot of that I found kind of comforting.  He was talking about how the top of the stomach (the fundus) is where the nerves that make you feel full are.  The stomach is about the size of a football, and sometimes it can take someone a couple plates of food before they feel full.  I feel hungry ALL THE TIME so that made me feel a little better about getting the hunger grumps so easily.  He also talked about the percentage of excess weight that can be lost with surgery.  The average for bypass, over a 5 year period is around 50 to 60 percent.  (I think that's what it was, Dee can correct me if I'm wrong).  I don't feel like getting out the paperwork to check.  He said the average weight loss with weight watchers was 1%, or maybe that was the success rate.  I don't remember.  Whatever it was, I felt a lot better about having it done after talking to that guy.  He thinks my complications will be very minimal since I haven't developed any obesity related illnesses yet.  Other than high cholesterol.
The surgeon signed a paper that will be sent into insurance now, and I'll just plan on seeing my family doctor monthly until I hear from Mel.
I called to schedule a sleep study today to sort out the restless leg deal, and I'm just waiting to hear back from them.

So that's my update.

On a lighter and unrelated note, I had my first voice lesson today.  My teacher is very eccentric.  She's a broken down 70 year old diva.  She was an opera singer in New York for 25 years.  I'm not sure how I feel about her personality yet, but I can tell I'm going to like her technique.  She was teaching me a new warm up designed to focus my sound, and she stops me after a bit and goes, "my god, you have out of this world potential!  I'm going to have fun with you."  That made me feel pretty good, considering I've felt like a piece of crap lately.
Later in the lesson she said said she couldn't sing me any examples because she hasn't sung in years and just lost the ability to do it.  She said, "you're just going to have to trust that I was really good."  I'm glad I'm finally getting back to using my talent.

Kick Ass

I think I just had a breakthrough while watching Kick Ass.  Like, as in the issue I'm having the hardest time with since Dad died.  I couldn't save him.  I couldn't save him from himself.
Back when I was in therapy with Peg, I had to try and work through feeling responsible for everyone.  Like, picking fights with Dad so he wouldn't hurt Mom or Squirt or Tyne.  I would get really annoyed if I felt something was out of my control, and most everything was then.  So now, I feel like I was responsible for Dad, or that I should have been, because he couldn't take care of himself.  I doesn't matter what I would have done though.  He would have destroyed himself regardless.  And I couldn't save him.

I can save myself, though.  I have control of that.  My first fat meeting is tomorrow @ 12:30.

Save Yourself

Couple Drops of Pee

I'm being all nostalgic and looking at old pictures at Mom's place right now and would just like to say I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO BE PRETTY AGAIN.  I CAN'T WAIT TO LOSE WEIGHT.  I'm so impatient I could just pee my pants.

My God, A Blog Update!

Why hello everyone.  I haven't blogged in awhile, so here's what so many of you have been begging for! (By so many I mean 2).

I'm still feeling shitty after Dad's death, but I'm back in therapy, so I think that will help.  I'm going every Monday, then we can taper off as needed.  I'm sure I'll continue to need xanax for awhile.  I can really tell when I've skipped a dose.  I'm still having dreams about Dad.  He never speaks in the dreams.  He just follows me, either in his recliner or on foot.  It's kind of funny that since he's died, I've stopped having dreams about killing him, or him trying to kill me.  It's like, mission accomplished I guess.  Maybe it's supposed to mean the universe wastes nothing.  Nothing just ceases to be, it just changes form.  Maybe Dad's still watching me in a different form.  The same thing happened when my grandpa Steele died, although I never had dreams about him after he died.  I always dreamed of killing him, and as soon as he died, they stopped.  Good riddance to that ass wipe.  

I'm enjoying (sort of) my new classes at DMACC and am getting back in the swing of water aerobics.  It feels good to move around in the water.  It's slightly easier since I've stopped using the aqua jog belt.  I find it impossible to sink since I carry my own floatation device around my gut, so I see no need for an extra one.

I've got my first fat meeting set up on the 13th of this month.  A nurse will go through insurance stuff with me and we'll schedule a meeting time with the surgeon.  I really hope we can get this done by December.  Being in this body is a nightmare.

I went to my primary doctor today, as requested by the fat doctors.  She was glad I was doing water exercise, and recommended I try doing recumbent bike, or try to do some treadmill stuff.  I told her I used to love doing the arc trainer, but I don't fit between the bars anymore, and when I did the treadmill, I was so sweaty and sticky and fat that I got a raw spot between my ass cheeks.  I just sighed and said, "I have so many fat problems.  Jesus Christ."  My doctor is so great though.  She told me not to give up hope.  I told her that Dad just died of a heart attack at 57, and she told me to make sure I tell the nurses at my meeting.  I'm also supposed to bring the journal I kept when I was counting calories.  She recommended I start doing that again.  It's a smart idea.
I asked her about losing weight before surgery, since that was something that Dee had mentioned.  They like you to lose some weight before surgery.  She said that might just not be plausible for me, since calorie counting and exercise have not yielded any results.  She said the hysterectomy essentially turned me into a 50 year old woman, but that with some time and with the surgery, I should be able to get my life back.  She said I've got a lot of medications and a lot of hormonal problems that are really slowing down any progress, and that the bypass should give me the push I need to really drop weight.  She said she's seen people in similar situations to mine, and they've had amazing results.
We talked about sleep apnea, since I told the fat doctors I'm always tired.  I told her I had put Nathan on the look out and he hadn't noticed anything.  She asked if I moved my legs a lot or got Charlie horses at night, or felt "the heebie jeebies" in my legs.  I told her I'm constantly moving my legs, from the time I try to sleep to the time I wake up.  I get a weird feeling in my quads that makes me need to move them.  She said it sounds like restless leg syndrome, and is arranging a sleep study for me.  I should hear back on that in about a week.
I also had her look at this little rash by my nose.  It used to be on my chin, but then it healed up on my chin and went to my nose.  It's only on one side and it itches like crazy.  I even made a homemade cream for it, since I'm trying to become a witch doctor in my spare time.  I thought it was just dry skin or irritation from hormone shit.  She told me it looks like acne rosacea, and it can be caused by menopause and made worse by hot flashes or anything that causes extra flushing of the face.  It can also be made worse by stress.  I SURE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THAT GOING ON RIGHT NOW.  DERRRP.  SO...  now I have to take this antibiotic twice a day for three months, then I can back off to once a day, then I can switch to a topical cream.  It's pretty much like having herpes and having to take Valtrex, but every now and then you'll have a break out, even though the medicine is keeping it in control.  I told her what the hell, throw another pill on the pile!
She really is a great doctor, and some of the menopause/hysterectomy stuff she's been through herself, and every time I got there she's like, "it'll take time, but we'll get you on steady ground."
I sure as hell hope so.