I Hate Everything

My worst hot flashes are the ones where I'm drenched in sweat, but at the same time I feel ice cold.  These are the hot flashes that make me feel really lightheaded and make me feel like I'm going to pass out.  Those are the hot flashes I'm having right now.  Bleh.

I was supposed to find out last Monday whether insurance was going to cover my surgery or not.  I didn't hear from the bariatric center Monday or Tuesday, so I called on Wednesday and they told me they were playing phone tag with my insurance.  Apparently insurance had an issue with my psych clearance and length of diet and exercise.  Mercy sent them a duplicate fax, reiterating my psych clearance was crystal clear and 100% good to go, and they had 7 months of diet/exercise documentation from my doctor.  That was the last I heard.  I don't know how hard the hospital will fight for me.  There are some doctors of mine that I know will battle for me, but others I'm not sure about.  I've never really dealt with Mercy before, so I'm really anxious.

What else was I going to talk about??  I don't remember.  Maybe it was unemployment.  I don't know.  Whatever.  I don't feel good.

Oh God The Yeast

OH GOD THE YEAST!!!!!!!

Seriously.  The yeast.  I'm operating an entire bakery in my vagina.

My tea tree failed.  Now I get 3 weeks of Diflucan.

Creator/Destroyer

Had my last dr. appt before insurance submission.  When I went in I got on the scale, figuring I'd gained another 20 pounds, but I'd lost 4.  She seemed so excited about it.  I'm pretty sure I pissed it out that morning, so I told her to go to hell.  We discussed the usual, so now I'm stuck holding my breath, hoping they recognize my efforts.
My doc told me the couple of people she sees that were at my weight and had the surgery lost 50 pounds the first MONTH, then the rest of the weight came off slower.  Did I mention how violently I'm holding my breath?  I want this done before summer.
My vag is rotting out of my body, so I have a standing prescription of Diflucan now.
I hate myself so much.  SO MUCH.  Nicest thing I've heard lately?  "Yeah, you're fat.  So what?  I find you magnetic."

Lately I've been weird.  Must be the hormones and repressed desires.  I watch a lot of TV.  I won't apologize.  I've had this thing where I want everyone in my various TV shows to hook up romantically.  And I cry about it.  I think it may be a reflection of me feeling distant in my own relationship because I feel so unappealing.  It's not enough for me that Nathan doesn't care what I look like, and he loves me no matter what.  I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.  Intimacy is 500 times better when I actually feel sexy.  I want to feel sexy again so bad.  I want to feel like putting on makeup and doing my hair and putting something on other than an old t-shirt and stretchy pj pants.  Fuck this.  Fuck my life.

More Meds.... STAT

I may need to increase my psych meds.  I haven't felt this depressed in awhile.  I always dwell on how shitty I look and how fat I am, but today was the first time since college I woke up and thought, "I hate myself.  I'd be better off dead."  I can't go back to that place in my head.  It's so hard to get out of it.  At least when I was on Danazol I wanted everyone else dead.  Not myself.  As my little sister once said, "you'd rather kill others instead of yourself.  That's a healthier place for you."

I'm also having pelvic pain again, so I'm scared to take my estrogen.  I really wish I hadn't had to push my appointment back, but it's coming up soon.