Long Overdue

I've lost 113 pounds.  I still can't believe I can see my collar bones.

I can't seem to get this costochondritis under control.  My ribs will feel alright for a couple of days. and then WHAM.  I get that crippling, chest clenching pain that knocks the wind out of me.  I've gotten to a point where I actually considered suicide because the pain was so bad.  Don't worry, I don't have a plan or anything.  I've just thought about it.  When it flares up, it's like there's a vice on my esophagus.  I can't breathe, I can't swallow, and it feels like someone has a death grip on my heart.  I break out in a cold sweat and just try to stay perfectly still while I pull my hair.

The anxiety from the pain is just as agonizing as the pain itself.  I've reverted back to my old ways of shutting myself in the apartment with no light, just sleeping.  I'm scared to move.  I keep running out of my xanax too early because I can't get this fear under control.  I know I need to get in to see my psychiatrist, but leaving the apartment is too much to handle.  I only leave for work.  I got a new, infinitely less stressful job working at the Wells Fargo mail room.  It's a few blocks from me and I work 8:30 pm to 12:30 am.  It's not bad.  It's very routine and I can just shut my brain off.  I had to quit Younkers.  The physical and emotional stress was making my life a living hell.  The idea was for me to work both jobs so I could pay some bills, but that didn't pan out.  I'm content with the mail room job for now.  I just wish I'd handled Younkers differently.  I called in legitimately sick with pain for 3 days.  After that I spoke with my supervisor and she said they couldn't work with my new work schedule and I'd need to resign, so I just stopped showing up.  No goodbyes, no nothing.  I really fucked over the girls that work at the counter, but if I think of all the times I got fucked over by coming back to work 5 weeks early and constantly being hounded by my mountain troll supervisor, I don't feel as bad.

I'm worried that some of this fear and anxiety is from not taking my psych meds on a regular basis.  I can't swallow the pills whole, so I crush them, and they taste just awful.  I think I can avoid it for a couple of days, but I really can't.  My mental health hangs in a delicate balance, and changing or adding something new always throws me into turmoil.  So add in body changes and debilitating pain  to the mix and I need to be more diligent than ever about taking my pills regularly.

I'm sticking with my doctor in Newton.  She's the only one that understands.  She says I have at least 10 more weeks of pain killers and muscle relaxers before we can consider weaning off.  I need to call the bariatric center too.  They're worried about me and keep calling, but the idea of going out in public is too much.  I need to suck it up though.  They're there to take care of me.