How are you supposed to count calories in something that is homemade?? I just had some soup that Nathan made that had 4 different kinds of beans, carrots, hamburger, pasta, and some other veggies. I had a hunk of bread with it, which I'm going to guess was maybe 300 or 400 calories, but what the hell was the soup? I'm going to call it 300 or 400 as well and give it 700 calories.
That puts me at 1250 for the day. I feel nice and full but I'll be hungry when I get home from work. I think some Jello sugar free pudding might be in order. It's only 60 calories a cup! I could have several!
Don't judge me for getting excited about pudding. It is my everything.
About Me
- Fatbutt McGee
- A menopausal 30 year old, over two years after hysterectomy, struggling with body changes and weight gain.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Calories Are Our Friends
Day one of calorie counting. What a pain in the ass. I always forget there's stuff in other stuff.
I had a Slim Fast for breakfast and thought I was only at 200 calories, but the soy milk I put it in has 80, and the flax meal I put in has 60. This is probably why I'm obese. I lose track.
How many calories should I be eating?? I feel like I should only have 1200, but 1600 to 2000 is probably a lot more reasonable.
So currently I'm at 350 and it's 4 in the afternoon. This may be why I gorge at night. I don't eat enough throughout the day. I'd better get it figured out, because I'm not going to consider a lap band until my hysterectomy is paid off. Maybe by then I'll have this walking joke of a body under control.
As it is my dress fitting for Dee's wedding is December 4th, and I'm pretty sure they're going to have to special order a shit ton of fabric to get this clunker covered up.
Oh shit, I'm supposed to say something positive about myself. Uhhhh...... fuck it. I can't think of anything right now.
I had a Slim Fast for breakfast and thought I was only at 200 calories, but the soy milk I put it in has 80, and the flax meal I put in has 60. This is probably why I'm obese. I lose track.
How many calories should I be eating?? I feel like I should only have 1200, but 1600 to 2000 is probably a lot more reasonable.
So currently I'm at 350 and it's 4 in the afternoon. This may be why I gorge at night. I don't eat enough throughout the day. I'd better get it figured out, because I'm not going to consider a lap band until my hysterectomy is paid off. Maybe by then I'll have this walking joke of a body under control.
As it is my dress fitting for Dee's wedding is December 4th, and I'm pretty sure they're going to have to special order a shit ton of fabric to get this clunker covered up.
Oh shit, I'm supposed to say something positive about myself. Uhhhh...... fuck it. I can't think of anything right now.
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Stigma
I just said something at work about liking to kick box. The guy next to me goes, "really? You kick box?"
I'm pretty sure what he meant was, "what? You're much too fat to enjoy any kind of fitness activity."
I'm pretty sure what he meant was, "what? You're much too fat to enjoy any kind of fitness activity."
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A Compliment Sandwich
I'm going to follow Stewie Griffin's example and make myself a compliment sandwich.
The compliment bread:
When I was finished straightening my hair last night, I looked in the mirror and though, "goddamn, I've got pretty nice eyes and a fabulous bone structure."
The critical smoked turkey, lettuce, red pepper, and pesto:
At what point do I ask for help? When do I decide that the things I'm doing aren't working and look into alternatives, like a lap band procedure? How far do I let this go?
I'm torn. It's been a year since my surgery. In this year I've put on 60 pounds. I feel like the control I have over my weight gain is limited. I can monitor my eating. I can exercise. I can take my hormones. What else am I supposed to do? I did Farrell's in an attempt to really kick my body into gear, but my starting weight was 205, and by the end of the 10 week session I was 230. I know I built a lot of muscle, but 25 pounds of muscle? I'm not that much of an ox.
I also still feel just, out of whack since my surgery. Wild body temperature changes and insane bouts of profuse sweating, headaches, forgetfulness (more than usual), etc. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take that surgery back for anything, but I keep wondering if things are still getting sorted out in this big meat sack I call a body. Am I supposed to just give it more time? December 4th will be the one year anniversary for my surgery. I've read it can take over a year for your body to figure out what it's doing again. Am I just being overly sensitive and panicky for nothing?
All these stupid weight loss articles and success stories I read say, make little changes and it will help in big ways. Should I just keep at what I'm doing now? It seems like my little changes are getting me absolutely nowhere. Even my big changes are failing. How am I suppose to figure out when to say enough, and look into more serious options? I read insurance will cover lap band surgery if your BMI is under 38 and you have at least 2 weight related health issues. If you have no weight related health issues, your BMI has to be over 40. My BMI is 40.2 and so far I have no weight related health issues, but it's not something I'm going to brag or be cocky about. Diabetes and heart disease are rampant in my family and I'm terrified that each of them is lurking around a fatty corner.
Just when I think I should run to the doctor's office requesting a gut clamp, I see some story on TV or on the internet about some ex fat schlub that changed their life with a few "simple" changes. I happened to catch a Dr. Oz clip while I was at home this morning, and saw this large woman, bigger than me, that had lost 200 pounds by dancing around. Not intense, high impact dancing, just simple, fun moves. If she was in the kitchen cooking, she would dance around. If she was home watching TV, she'd dance around. She said she just had to commit herself to moving around more. I thought she looked fabulous, despite her bigness. She was so sexy when she was dancing around, showing the audience some moves, and she radiated confidence. She made me feel like I should have more hope and give myself more time. I like to walk, I take the stairs, I don't drive around looking for the closest parking spot I can get, (usually), I kick box when my neighbors aren't being assholes about the noise. If I need to dance around more, I know Tessa would be more than willing to have late night dance parties with me.
I know I'm being impatient, but I hate the way my body feels right now. I hate that my top belly roll gets in the way when I'm bending over to put on my shoes, or just trying to stretch. I hate the way I can feel the bulges under my bra touch my waist. I hate how I can't trim my pubes anymore because my bottom belly roll gets in the way of my vaginal line of site, (god bless my bikini waxing lady). I hate the way I have to powder under all my various bulges so I don't end up with a nasty heat rash. I hate the way my boobs always feel like they're being shoved up into my neck because my gut is too big. I hate the way I can feel fat touch the top of my had when I put my hands on my hips. I hate that I hate my body.
The second slice of compliment bread:
I have a fabulous, easy going personality. I know I can be obnoxious and overbearing or just ditzy sometimes, but I have an intrinsic way of making people feel at ease. If I can make someone feel a bit calmer or more comfortable with me, I'm more comfortable with myself. Whether it's a stranger on the phone, or a clerk at the grocery store, I can empathize with all kinds of people and situations. Unless they're jerks, or happen to look at me funny.
The compliment bread:
When I was finished straightening my hair last night, I looked in the mirror and though, "goddamn, I've got pretty nice eyes and a fabulous bone structure."
The critical smoked turkey, lettuce, red pepper, and pesto:
At what point do I ask for help? When do I decide that the things I'm doing aren't working and look into alternatives, like a lap band procedure? How far do I let this go?
I'm torn. It's been a year since my surgery. In this year I've put on 60 pounds. I feel like the control I have over my weight gain is limited. I can monitor my eating. I can exercise. I can take my hormones. What else am I supposed to do? I did Farrell's in an attempt to really kick my body into gear, but my starting weight was 205, and by the end of the 10 week session I was 230. I know I built a lot of muscle, but 25 pounds of muscle? I'm not that much of an ox.
I also still feel just, out of whack since my surgery. Wild body temperature changes and insane bouts of profuse sweating, headaches, forgetfulness (more than usual), etc. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take that surgery back for anything, but I keep wondering if things are still getting sorted out in this big meat sack I call a body. Am I supposed to just give it more time? December 4th will be the one year anniversary for my surgery. I've read it can take over a year for your body to figure out what it's doing again. Am I just being overly sensitive and panicky for nothing?
All these stupid weight loss articles and success stories I read say, make little changes and it will help in big ways. Should I just keep at what I'm doing now? It seems like my little changes are getting me absolutely nowhere. Even my big changes are failing. How am I suppose to figure out when to say enough, and look into more serious options? I read insurance will cover lap band surgery if your BMI is under 38 and you have at least 2 weight related health issues. If you have no weight related health issues, your BMI has to be over 40. My BMI is 40.2 and so far I have no weight related health issues, but it's not something I'm going to brag or be cocky about. Diabetes and heart disease are rampant in my family and I'm terrified that each of them is lurking around a fatty corner.
Just when I think I should run to the doctor's office requesting a gut clamp, I see some story on TV or on the internet about some ex fat schlub that changed their life with a few "simple" changes. I happened to catch a Dr. Oz clip while I was at home this morning, and saw this large woman, bigger than me, that had lost 200 pounds by dancing around. Not intense, high impact dancing, just simple, fun moves. If she was in the kitchen cooking, she would dance around. If she was home watching TV, she'd dance around. She said she just had to commit herself to moving around more. I thought she looked fabulous, despite her bigness. She was so sexy when she was dancing around, showing the audience some moves, and she radiated confidence. She made me feel like I should have more hope and give myself more time. I like to walk, I take the stairs, I don't drive around looking for the closest parking spot I can get, (usually), I kick box when my neighbors aren't being assholes about the noise. If I need to dance around more, I know Tessa would be more than willing to have late night dance parties with me.
I know I'm being impatient, but I hate the way my body feels right now. I hate that my top belly roll gets in the way when I'm bending over to put on my shoes, or just trying to stretch. I hate the way I can feel the bulges under my bra touch my waist. I hate how I can't trim my pubes anymore because my bottom belly roll gets in the way of my vaginal line of site, (god bless my bikini waxing lady). I hate the way I have to powder under all my various bulges so I don't end up with a nasty heat rash. I hate the way my boobs always feel like they're being shoved up into my neck because my gut is too big. I hate the way I can feel fat touch the top of my had when I put my hands on my hips. I hate that I hate my body.
The second slice of compliment bread:
I have a fabulous, easy going personality. I know I can be obnoxious and overbearing or just ditzy sometimes, but I have an intrinsic way of making people feel at ease. If I can make someone feel a bit calmer or more comfortable with me, I'm more comfortable with myself. Whether it's a stranger on the phone, or a clerk at the grocery store, I can empathize with all kinds of people and situations. Unless they're jerks, or happen to look at me funny.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Positive Spin
My gal pal Shari just gave me an excellent suggestion. I should make a positive comment about myself in this blog, as well as voicing my concerns and frustrations.
So, today I think my hair looks full and sexy, and this little curl is kind of spiraling around my left eye in a playfully seductive kind of way. I think it's pretty hot.
Also, this eggplant colored shirt I got at Target looks smashing on me. It makes my eyes and my hair really stand out, and it's the perfect combination of form fitting and loose to give me a full, but hourglass-y look. Oh, and my tits look hot. My feet look pretty good, too. I filed them last night and moisturized the shit out of them.
I picked up some Little Caesar's for supper. A medium pizza and an order of bread sticks. I had 2 pieces of pizza and 3 bread sticks. I've been know to eat half the pizza and all the bread sticks, so kudos to me. It's still sitting here on my desk, box open, smelling cheesy, but I don't want it. I can't eat anything for the rest of the day anyway since I have to fast for my blood test tomorrow. Also I just feel queasy. I blame the election of Rand Paul for that. No amount of Pepto or Gaviscon could fix that bit of idiocy.
So, today I think my hair looks full and sexy, and this little curl is kind of spiraling around my left eye in a playfully seductive kind of way. I think it's pretty hot.
Also, this eggplant colored shirt I got at Target looks smashing on me. It makes my eyes and my hair really stand out, and it's the perfect combination of form fitting and loose to give me a full, but hourglass-y look. Oh, and my tits look hot. My feet look pretty good, too. I filed them last night and moisturized the shit out of them.
I picked up some Little Caesar's for supper. A medium pizza and an order of bread sticks. I had 2 pieces of pizza and 3 bread sticks. I've been know to eat half the pizza and all the bread sticks, so kudos to me. It's still sitting here on my desk, box open, smelling cheesy, but I don't want it. I can't eat anything for the rest of the day anyway since I have to fast for my blood test tomorrow. Also I just feel queasy. I blame the election of Rand Paul for that. No amount of Pepto or Gaviscon could fix that bit of idiocy.
Hunger Pains
I'm fucking hungry as hell right now. At noon I had a Slim Fast with some flax meal and Benefiber mixed in. Then I had a Naked Green Machine. I'm drinking a cherry coke zero right now, and had a single serving of peanut butter m&m's as a snack. Calories add up really fucking fast. I feel like I should only have like, 500-900 calories, but 2000 is recommended. I saw this show about a woman that had weight issues similar to mine and had gastric bypass. After the surgery she was only eating about 600 calories a day. According to my rough calculations, I've had about 800 so far today. I get way too hungry to live on that few. Right now I feel like I'm about to puke I'm so hungry. I don't want to have a big surgery again. It's so expensive, but trying to do that extreme of a cut back without some kind of stomach alteration is rough.
Damn it Feels Good to be Medicated
I haven't blogged in a couple of days, but don't worry, it's not from lack of struggling with eating!
I just had a nice 3 day weekend with my lover and didn't really go near a computer.
I've been a real bitch the past few days but finally got my thyroid refilled and feel better. Less tired, less bitchy. I just got my estrogen refilled too, and am getting blood taken tomorrow to check my levels. My body temp has been a wild roller coaster since I ran out a couple weeks ago, so I should start feeling better soon. I get migraines way too often when my hormones are low. I have to take Imitrex like goddamn candy.
I need to get to my regular doctor and my psych doctor. Maybe they'll have some insight as to what I can do for my weight. I know a few of my medications cause weight gain, so maybe switching those up could help. I don't know. Plus I won't have insurance for much longer and need to get checkups in before I start living under a bridge, binging on pizza crusts and shoe leather.
I didn't have any real revelations this weekend. I went for a walk on Friday night, up and down the big hill in Sherman Hill. I thought I was going to die on my 3rd lap, but I was glad I was doing it.
I want to get out the bag and box, but I need to go to the chiro. My shoulder is killing me.
I went to a wedding with Nathan on Saturday and was standing around in heels for about an hour. The ankle I rolled during Farrell's started swelling up and it still hurts, so I don't know if kick boxing is such a great idea right now. My body is a broken wasteland.
I sucked it up and got on the scale the other day. I've been avoiding scales like the plague. I'm terrified of the number, and my fears were confirmed when I stepped on. A big fat 250 staring back at me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What the hell is going on with my body???
I just keep gaining weight. What am I supposed to do?
I always get excited when I see weight loss drugs in the store, or hear ads on the radio or TV, but I stop myself and think, "no, that shit doesn't work."
I have these lingering thoughts of gastric bypass or lap band surgery. Would insurance cover that? Is that something that's even right for me? I don't know, but I feel so hopeless. I went to Target this weekend and picked up some new T-shirts, since all the ones I have now feel too small. I'm getting 2X to 3X. It's embarrassing.
I was making an xbox 360 avatar at Nathan's last night and kept thinking, "my character doesn't look fat enough, but this is all the bigger it will let me make it."
I really shouldn't dwell on this so much, but I find it permeates all my thoughts. I'm more than just my body. I have a great personality, I'm talented, a good friend, a good person, (sometime). I have a lot to offer. Why can't I just be happy? I'm sure if I'd just stop dwelling on this it wouldn't be so fucking hard. Today I looked in the mirror and didn't feel as disgusted as I usually do. I really like this new shirt I got and I think I look relatively good in it. I just have this obsession about looking like everyone else. Part of it is what I see on TV, what I see in magazines, what I see in movies. I know it's bunk, but I still worry that I don't look good enough. It's stupid. This is the shit I rail against. Don't tell me who to be, don't tell me what to look like, don't tell me what to do.
I didn't shave my legs for 10 years because I was fighting the beauty standard. I don't buy fancy pants clothes for the same reason. I shave my head in college for fuck's sake. Why do I feel like I have to fit in when it comes to my body? Well goddamnit, it's about time I stop. It's exhausting. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel good, and everyone that has a problem with it can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
I just had a nice 3 day weekend with my lover and didn't really go near a computer.
I've been a real bitch the past few days but finally got my thyroid refilled and feel better. Less tired, less bitchy. I just got my estrogen refilled too, and am getting blood taken tomorrow to check my levels. My body temp has been a wild roller coaster since I ran out a couple weeks ago, so I should start feeling better soon. I get migraines way too often when my hormones are low. I have to take Imitrex like goddamn candy.
I need to get to my regular doctor and my psych doctor. Maybe they'll have some insight as to what I can do for my weight. I know a few of my medications cause weight gain, so maybe switching those up could help. I don't know. Plus I won't have insurance for much longer and need to get checkups in before I start living under a bridge, binging on pizza crusts and shoe leather.
I didn't have any real revelations this weekend. I went for a walk on Friday night, up and down the big hill in Sherman Hill. I thought I was going to die on my 3rd lap, but I was glad I was doing it.
I want to get out the bag and box, but I need to go to the chiro. My shoulder is killing me.
I went to a wedding with Nathan on Saturday and was standing around in heels for about an hour. The ankle I rolled during Farrell's started swelling up and it still hurts, so I don't know if kick boxing is such a great idea right now. My body is a broken wasteland.
I sucked it up and got on the scale the other day. I've been avoiding scales like the plague. I'm terrified of the number, and my fears were confirmed when I stepped on. A big fat 250 staring back at me. This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What the hell is going on with my body???
I just keep gaining weight. What am I supposed to do?
I always get excited when I see weight loss drugs in the store, or hear ads on the radio or TV, but I stop myself and think, "no, that shit doesn't work."
I have these lingering thoughts of gastric bypass or lap band surgery. Would insurance cover that? Is that something that's even right for me? I don't know, but I feel so hopeless. I went to Target this weekend and picked up some new T-shirts, since all the ones I have now feel too small. I'm getting 2X to 3X. It's embarrassing.
I was making an xbox 360 avatar at Nathan's last night and kept thinking, "my character doesn't look fat enough, but this is all the bigger it will let me make it."
I really shouldn't dwell on this so much, but I find it permeates all my thoughts. I'm more than just my body. I have a great personality, I'm talented, a good friend, a good person, (sometime). I have a lot to offer. Why can't I just be happy? I'm sure if I'd just stop dwelling on this it wouldn't be so fucking hard. Today I looked in the mirror and didn't feel as disgusted as I usually do. I really like this new shirt I got and I think I look relatively good in it. I just have this obsession about looking like everyone else. Part of it is what I see on TV, what I see in magazines, what I see in movies. I know it's bunk, but I still worry that I don't look good enough. It's stupid. This is the shit I rail against. Don't tell me who to be, don't tell me what to look like, don't tell me what to do.
I didn't shave my legs for 10 years because I was fighting the beauty standard. I don't buy fancy pants clothes for the same reason. I shave my head in college for fuck's sake. Why do I feel like I have to fit in when it comes to my body? Well goddamnit, it's about time I stop. It's exhausting. I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel good, and everyone that has a problem with it can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)