X-Mas Eve

So after I found out Nathan's parents were concerned about how fat I was, I bawled on the couch for over an hour.  The cats seemed disturbed, except for Tessa's cat, Satine.  She wouldn't leave my lap.  She's so intuitive.
It took me about 3 xanax to get calmed down.  Then I passed out on the couch.  I was so exhausted from crying.
I'm not even upset that they thought I was fat.  I was upset because I think I'm fat, and I was worried that that's what they'd think.
Nathan was pretty great about it though.  He was like, "I told them you've had trouble after your surgery and how hard you work at counting calories and working out, and they were really sympathetic.  Don't think about it, I think you're gorgeous!"

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and asked her if she could tell me anything I don't already know about my weight.
I told her I've put on 60 pounds since the surgery.  She asked about my estrogen and I told her it's still low.  My hormone guy wants to take it easy so my endometriosis doesn't flare back up.  She said if it's still low, then that would account for my weight gain, and I'd have trouble getting the weight off.  She told me to strive for working out an hour a day to get my metabolism up, and to avoid anything high impact.  I told her I did Farrell's and kept gaining weight and ended up rolling my ankle.  She said post menopausal women have weakened joints, so I shouldn't do anything that intense, or run, yadda yadda.  This would explain why my ankle still hurts, and my knees have been bugging me.
She told me to stay away from pills like Alli, since they make you poop your pants and the results don't last.  She did recommend the Sonoma diet.  She said lots of her post menopausal patients have had great luck losing weight with it.  It's a Mediterranean diet, lots of healthy oils, fish, and veggies.  I ordered the cookbook and the diet book. 
She also told me if I'm not getting results in about 6 months, that I could look into lap band procedures.
The visit was discouraging and comforting at the same time.  Comforting because this isn't completely my fault.  My body has gone haywire.  And discouraging because it's going to be even harder than I thought to get the weight off.  I guess I'll just keep at it.  Counting calories, wearing the BodyBugg, doing resistance bands and walking with some light boxing thrown in to keep my body guessing.
SIGH.

I was talking to my mom and sister about it, and they were so understanding.  All of my friends and family are so understanding and so supportive.  I don't know what I'd do without such a strong support system.  My little sister said, "I love how Dee keeps on you for updates.  She's cares about you and wants you to succeed."  I was just like, I KNOW, RIGHT??
So thanks again to everyone. :)

My Broken Heart

My fears have been confirmed.
I just found out Nathan's parents were a little shocked at how fat I am.
I just want to lay here and die.

The Metabolic Dilemma

I continue to burn calories at a snails pace.  2600 burned today.  2200 eaten.  A lousy 400 calorie deficit.

I've been less inclined to work out lately.  I just feel kinda.... low.
Now that I've got Lamictil back in my system, maybe I'll be more energetic.  It doesn't help that I've had a sore throat and body aches for a week.

I'm working from home today.  Maybe I'll do some kick boxing while I monitor company chat.  I miss how it felt to burn 4500 calories in a night.

Jesus Christos

I'm throwing away those pumpkin bars when I get home.  I can't be trusted.  I've had too many calories today.  I bought that goddamn salad and was so hungry I ate the whole bag, which was only 45 calories, but the salad topper shit I put on it was over a hundred since I definitely didn't use a tablespoon of it.
Those bars are ruining my calorie totals.  INTO THE TRASH WITH YOU.  I cannot keep that shit around.  I'll sabotage myself.

Still So Far Away

This weekend was an absolute calorie nightmare.  I had a good time meeting Nathan's parents and friends, but the first meal we had with his parents was fried pork burgers, onion rings, and fried mushrooms.  I'm sure I went way over my alloted calories.  Then we went and ate at a pizza joint that night.  Later we had fried fish and cheesy rice, went to Olive Garden, then Nathan's mom made pumpkin bread.  It was all tasty, but jesus christ.
I tried to get back on track Monday, but we went to Hardee's on our way home to Iowa, which was 1400 calories, and then we cooked a big steak dinner with pasta salad and deviled eggs and pumpkin bars.
So I think I ended up eating 2700 or 2800 calories, which would have meant I broke even for that day or went over by a couple hundred.  I'm not sure since the BodyBugg was charging.

My back really started to hurt last night after supper, and when I went to bed I was hurting really bad.  I took a bunch of Advil and such, and when I woke up I could barely move.  I thought for sure it would spasm.  I didn't sleep for shit because the pain kept waking me up.
I walked back to my place from Nathan's and ate maybe 4 pumpkin bars.  I'm not exactly sure of the amount since I was just eating them out of the pan with a fork.  I haven't eaten anything else, but I have a serious gut ache.  Those bars are LOADED with calories.  I'm just going to assume they were about 2100-2200 and that I can't have anything else to eat for the day, unless it's a 60 calorie can of salmon.  I've had to do that before, like when I ate an entire package of soft batch cookies, at 1700 calories.  I just tried to avoid eating for the rest of the day.  I know why I binged.  I did it to feel good.  I gorge when I'm in pain, and right now I'm in a lot of it, and I feel too exhausted to try and fight it.
It's not like I'm hungry anyway right now, and I'm supposed to fast tonight, starting at 8 pm for blood work tomorrow.

My big sister sent me an article about things you need to know if you need to lose 100 pounds or more.  It didn't really say anything I didn't already know.  It just talked about how to know when you're ready to lose the weight, how to keep yourself psyched up, yadda yadda yadda.  One of the things they recommended was figuring out what you're actually getting out of being fat.  I know what they meant by this, but I don't think that question applies to me.  I had to answer this when I was in therapy, using anger instead of obesity.  What do I get out of being angry?  That was easy to answer.  I feel tough, instead of vulnerable.  I was vulnerable growing up with my dad and I hated it.  It made me feel weak.  So now I try to be exactly the opposite.  Anger keeps people at a distance, so I don't have to get really close to people.  There are a handful of exceptions to that, obviously, but there's a smaller chance of me getting hurt.
I can't really think of anything I'm getting from being fat.  I hate everything about it.  If anything I'm just afraid of the effort, mental and physical, that it takes to really do it.

I really should work out tonight, but my back is still killing me and I'm dead tired, so I don't know if that will happen.  I just want to go to sleep right now.  I wish I had some pain pills.
I go to the doctor next week.

Bloop

Not really much to updated on.  Still trucking away, trying to chip off calories little by little.

I had my big freak out about gaining 3 pounds the other day, but weighed myself on Dee's scale and it said I'd lost 5.
I guess I'll weigh myself every couple of weeks, and measure my waist, as someone told me that's the more accurate indicator of weight loss progress.  Seems reasonable to me.

Also, I just ate 2 servings of peanut butter M&M's.  They were worth ever calorie.  Total calorie intake so far for the day is 1500.  I was in a hurry to get to work and didn't put on the fatty bug, so calories burned remains a mystery.

Sorry Everyone

I'm so miserable right now.
I had a great weekend of being really active, walking, dancing, laughing, and of course, eating.
I burned so many calories and had a good time doing it.  My body was wonderfully sore.
Now I'm sitting here at work.  Completely sedentary.  I hate it.  My back is killing me and I don't have anything except Aleve for it.

I just looked through all the pictures from Dee's b-day party and now just want to sit in the tub and pop open my veins.  I am so fat I can barely stand to look at myself.  I'm sitting at work with tears streaming down my cheeks.
How am I supposed to get through this?  Fat and unemployed.  I'm far more concerned about being fat than unemployed.  My jeans feel tight.  Why do my jeans feel tight?  Why does it seem like I'm still gaining weight?  How am I supposed to stay positive and focused when I hate going out in public, meeting people, or seeing people I know because I hate myself so much?

This is probably obnoxious for people to read, just seeing one negative post after another, but if I don't get it all out somewhere I'll collapse under my own misery like a neutron star.  I'm swarmed with thoughts of self loathing.  I haven't been this depressed in a long time.  I feel broken and defeated.