WA was pretty great tonight. The woman who was instructing (Jan?) was a badass like Sheryl at the Newton YMCA. I hurt all over. Not necessarily in a good way. My upper back is spasming and my ankle is swollen up to my calf again.
My hot flashes suck and I can't sleep because I'm hot, my back hurts, and I'm out of Ambien. The pharmacy left me a message, so maybe they let me fill it early. Tonight I'm trying a melatonin pill, 2 unisom pain relief, and 2 advil pm. I didn't sleep at all last night, so I'm desperate.
I've had to take 2-3 Ambien lately, and that worries me. I figured I would just always be on Ambien, but I was reading about it and it's only for short term insomnia. You're not supposed to take it for very long. I've been on it for a year. Oops. Not that I ever pay attention to drug warnings.
I'm gonna make melatonin part of my regular line up. It's supposed to help prevent breast cancer and ease menopause symptoms.
I'm going to ask my doctor about Chlonidine in August. Nathan takes it to help him sleep. It knocks him out pretty quickly and he's been on it since he was little. It's prescribed for blood pressure mostly, but it's also used as a sleep aid and, SURPRISE, a menopause drug. Something about regulating the blood pressure helps with hot flashes. I don't know.
On an unrelated note, I'm not ready for my anatomy test tomorrow.
About Me
- Fatbutt McGee
- A menopausal 30 year old, over two years after hysterectomy, struggling with body changes and weight gain.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Why Does My Ass Have So Many Issues?
I didn't go to water aerobics on Thursday with Dee due to some epic diarrhea that I think was caused by an antibiotic I was taking. I needed to work out so I went with Nathan around 8. Neither of us wanted to get into swim gear, so we just did regular shit. I started out on the arc trainer. What a goddamn mistake. First of all, my hips are too wide for me to fit in there. Well, I mean I fit, but my hips rub up against the sides. It's annoying. I only did 10 minutes because it was really hurting my feet and my knees. I forgot that it took me a long time to work up to the arc trainer last time. I had to start out on the elliptical since my quads weren't strong enough.
I went ahead and moved onto the treadmill so I could kind of stretch out my feet. Sometimes I don't like having them in the foot cuff deals on the workout machines. I did about 35 minutes on the treadmill before I had to stop. I didn't stop because I was tired, I stopped because my ass cheeks were rubbing together so much I had a raw spot forming at the top of my butt crack. How disgusting. Just.... fucking gross.
I told Nathan we need to stick to the water. He was fine with that. He did 5 minutes on the arc trainer and could barely walk afterward.
People always assume that the skinny folks of the world are in better shape than the fatties, but sometimes that's just not true. Tonight at the pool, I had done a couple of laps and so had Nathan. He was exhausted and had to stop. I kept going. After a few more laps I stopped and asked him if he was alright. He confessed that in 10 years, he's never worked out. I'm morbidly obese, but I like working out, and I always have. So while he hung out in the deep end, leaning on the side of the pool, I kept doing laps. We stayed for an hour. Poor guy. He's conked out on the couch now. I don't feel sore, amazingly enough. It's hard for me to believe that this big fat tank is capable of outlasting a string bean.
I think for the time being I'm just going to do water stuff. I'm not a fan of rawness in my ass crack. What a joke. Also I was sweating so hard on the treadmill I thought I was going to die. Hot flash city, baby. The water keeps those bitches at bay.
I also mailed in my application for gastric bypass. I haven't heard from anyone yet, but the instruction sheet said to be patient. I'm sure they're inundated with applications. I just hope I get approved. I don't want to have to wait a million years for insurance to say it's okay. I'm so sick of this body. The more we learn in anatomy class, the more I realize our bodies are a bullshit design. Some of it is amazing and strong, but jesus christ. Most of it is just crap, especially the heart. Cardiac cells don't divide and repair. You'd think these hunks of junk would figure out hearts are important and repair is vital. Maybe in a few millennia people will have decent hearts.
Since the human body isn't really worth a shit, I don't mind having mine cut apart for maintenance.
Oh yeah, the feet are bullshit too. Ankles and feet.
My lateral malleolus is really bother me. I've had to ice it the last couple of nights. I was going up the stairs to class the other day and I felt a pull from my ankle up my calf. The same thing happened when I was cleaning the kitchen and when I was at Nathan's apartment. That time I almost cried. I'm worried I tore a ligament. I need to make an appointment with a podiatrist. I didn't realize there were different degrees of sprains. Pulls, partial tears, and a complete tear. I figured mine was just pulled, but I just don't know now. It shouldn't be bothering after a year. I don't think it's completely torn though. I think I'd have more problems if that were the case. Whatever. I need to go to the chiropractor too. My poor back, with its absence of a lordotic curve.
http://www.medscape.com/content/2003/00/44/83/448307/art-nf448307.fig7.gif
Check out the alignment on C. That's me.
I went ahead and moved onto the treadmill so I could kind of stretch out my feet. Sometimes I don't like having them in the foot cuff deals on the workout machines. I did about 35 minutes on the treadmill before I had to stop. I didn't stop because I was tired, I stopped because my ass cheeks were rubbing together so much I had a raw spot forming at the top of my butt crack. How disgusting. Just.... fucking gross.
I told Nathan we need to stick to the water. He was fine with that. He did 5 minutes on the arc trainer and could barely walk afterward.
People always assume that the skinny folks of the world are in better shape than the fatties, but sometimes that's just not true. Tonight at the pool, I had done a couple of laps and so had Nathan. He was exhausted and had to stop. I kept going. After a few more laps I stopped and asked him if he was alright. He confessed that in 10 years, he's never worked out. I'm morbidly obese, but I like working out, and I always have. So while he hung out in the deep end, leaning on the side of the pool, I kept doing laps. We stayed for an hour. Poor guy. He's conked out on the couch now. I don't feel sore, amazingly enough. It's hard for me to believe that this big fat tank is capable of outlasting a string bean.
I think for the time being I'm just going to do water stuff. I'm not a fan of rawness in my ass crack. What a joke. Also I was sweating so hard on the treadmill I thought I was going to die. Hot flash city, baby. The water keeps those bitches at bay.
I also mailed in my application for gastric bypass. I haven't heard from anyone yet, but the instruction sheet said to be patient. I'm sure they're inundated with applications. I just hope I get approved. I don't want to have to wait a million years for insurance to say it's okay. I'm so sick of this body. The more we learn in anatomy class, the more I realize our bodies are a bullshit design. Some of it is amazing and strong, but jesus christ. Most of it is just crap, especially the heart. Cardiac cells don't divide and repair. You'd think these hunks of junk would figure out hearts are important and repair is vital. Maybe in a few millennia people will have decent hearts.
Since the human body isn't really worth a shit, I don't mind having mine cut apart for maintenance.
Oh yeah, the feet are bullshit too. Ankles and feet.
My lateral malleolus is really bother me. I've had to ice it the last couple of nights. I was going up the stairs to class the other day and I felt a pull from my ankle up my calf. The same thing happened when I was cleaning the kitchen and when I was at Nathan's apartment. That time I almost cried. I'm worried I tore a ligament. I need to make an appointment with a podiatrist. I didn't realize there were different degrees of sprains. Pulls, partial tears, and a complete tear. I figured mine was just pulled, but I just don't know now. It shouldn't be bothering after a year. I don't think it's completely torn though. I think I'd have more problems if that were the case. Whatever. I need to go to the chiropractor too. My poor back, with its absence of a lordotic curve.
http://www.medscape.com/content/2003/00/44/83/448307/art-nf448307.fig7.gif
Check out the alignment on C. That's me.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
It's Done
I've mailed it out. My form requesting gastric bypass. As soon as they get the packet, a nurse will start reviewing the information and run my insurance claim through to see what hoops I have to jump through to be covered. I feel good about this. Really good. Tentatively optimistic.
I didn't go to water aerobics tonight because of my stupid back and stupid ankle. Also I had to work on my accounting homework. I've got my alarm set for today though, so I can get in a workout before class at 6:30.
There wasn't enough room on that form for me to go over all the things I've tried to lose weight. There wasn't enough room for me to talk about how I feel now, and how I could benefit from the surgery. I tried to sum it up as best I could. Before my hysterectomy my life was ruled by pain. After the surgery, I had my life back. But now, due to unexpected circumstances, my life has been taken away by obesity. I can just imagine what it will be like. What it will be like to be pain free, and at a reasonable weight. What it will be like to jump on top of Nathan and throw off all of my clothes, without asking him to turn off the lights. Finally, FINALLY being comfortable. It's hard to express in words how badly I want this.
I didn't go to water aerobics tonight because of my stupid back and stupid ankle. Also I had to work on my accounting homework. I've got my alarm set for today though, so I can get in a workout before class at 6:30.
There wasn't enough room on that form for me to go over all the things I've tried to lose weight. There wasn't enough room for me to talk about how I feel now, and how I could benefit from the surgery. I tried to sum it up as best I could. Before my hysterectomy my life was ruled by pain. After the surgery, I had my life back. But now, due to unexpected circumstances, my life has been taken away by obesity. I can just imagine what it will be like. What it will be like to be pain free, and at a reasonable weight. What it will be like to jump on top of Nathan and throw off all of my clothes, without asking him to turn off the lights. Finally, FINALLY being comfortable. It's hard to express in words how badly I want this.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Never Give Up.... Never Surrender!!
Spent another hour in the pool tonight. Did some jogging, a lot of flutter kicking, some breast stroke deals, yadda yadda. There were so many kids in the goddamn pool. I think on W/A off nights, I try some lap swimming. I need to pick up some goggles.
Oh, and thank god I ordered one of those Ah Bra deals. I got it on ebay. It's a "leisure" bra. It's harder than hell to get my armored tit plates back in place when I'm all sticky wet from the pool. And my boobs are just way too big to not bother putting one on, so this one should do the trick. You just pull it over your head. There's no clasps or anything.
BioFreeze is also my new best friend. I think it's a friendship that will stand the test of time.
Oh, and thank god I ordered one of those Ah Bra deals. I got it on ebay. It's a "leisure" bra. It's harder than hell to get my armored tit plates back in place when I'm all sticky wet from the pool. And my boobs are just way too big to not bother putting one on, so this one should do the trick. You just pull it over your head. There's no clasps or anything.
BioFreeze is also my new best friend. I think it's a friendship that will stand the test of time.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
WATER! SWEET LIBERATING WATER!
I LOVE being in the pool. I feel the best when I'm absolutely surrounded by water. Maybe its because I'm a pices. I don't know.
I DO know that it felt really good to just move around. It's so hard to move my body everyday, but in the water, I'm free. Absolutely free.
I was kind of surprised at how small the class was for water aerobics. There were a couple old people, and couple of morbidly obese people like me, (men and women. Newton was always just women, and packed to the brim). I didn't feel out of place at all. I thought when I got in the water I'd feel gross and fat, but I felt really good. I did better than most of the people in the class, surprisingly enough. I can see this being a challenge in the future.
I want to keep doing W/A. I want to do it for the rest of my life. The teacher at the Walnut Creek location is okay, but she's kind of lax, and didn't really switch it up a lot and didn't seem particularly fit herself, or excited about teaching the class. Don't get me wrong, I totally got my heart rate up, and this is perfect for the fitness level I'm at right now.
In Newton, our instructor was an absolute drill sergeant. She was taut and toned to perfection. She'd yell out the count when we were doing reps, tell us to push it and push hard. She had us doing exercises with such intensity, and she got results, damnit. You couldn't help but want to try your damnedest keep up with her. I LOVED working out with her. I never got to her fitness level, (obviously), but I made blazing progress. I dropped a ton of weight and I was strong. I remember putting on a dress for work one morning and discovered I had a rockin' quad muscle. That night at class I went up to Sheryl and was like, "do you see this???? I made this!!"
Although this class is perfect for now, (since I need to ease into it), in the future, it's going to become way too easy. I was looking through schedules for all the Y's in the area I can go to. Riverfront has a shitty W/A program, but South Suburban's looks absolutely killer. I have a feeling I may end up driving to the south side at some point in the future, when I need more of a challenge.
For now, I'm completely satisfied. The people in our class are few, and not in good shape. Just like me! I didn't feel self conscious at all. But someday, they're going to drag me down and keep the class from being as great as it could be. The instructor is going to have to accommodate the people that need to take it easy. (Sheryl never did that. If you fell behind, that was fine, but if you came to her class, you weren't going to get sympathetic, weak workouts). I want that again. Hopefully I can work up to that in the future.
As for right now? The workout didn't feel particularly intense, but I am covered in Biofreeze from head to toe right now, and I had to take some Aleve and Tylenol. My hips and knees are KILLING ME. I swear to god, I would feel so much better if my doctor would just give me a pain medication. I don't think anyone really understands how much my body hurts all the time. Except Mary. She knows. She's right there with me. It's chronic, but I'm sure dropping weight will help.
I'm still actively pursuing the gastric bypass option. W/A will definitely help keep up or raise my metabolism, but I highly doubt it will have any impact on my weight like it did last time. I don't know that for sure, but based on my past, things look pretty grim.
When I came home from the pool tonight I was absolutely ravenous. I ate a big sandwich and still felt hungry. I even tried waiting it out, just to make sure I was actually hungry and not just wanting to shove food in my mouth for a good time. Nope, I was honest to god still hungry. I had a protein shake to curb it, and it worked pretty well, but a few hours later I was ravenous again. I ate another sandwich, then had some of my fancy beans and meatballs. I finally don't feel hungry, but this is part of the reason I can't keep my fat ass under control. I was at the store with Sara last night and I was so hungry I felt like I was going to throw up. Gastric Bypass takes away your hunger. And because you eat so little when you DO eat, it has to be nutritious. I can't even imagine what that's like. When I pick what I want to eat at the store, I pick based on what's going to fill me up the most and for the longest time. That's one of the reasons I eat so much damn bread and peanut butter. They fill me up pretty good. Too bad they're shitty things to eat. Well, at least the bread anyway.
This should all go in another blog, but right now I'm stuck looking at the big picture.
So, W/A is great. On off days I'm going to go with Nathan and work the treadmill, elliptical and arc trainer. I've got a killer mix on my Ipod and am ready to boogie. My hurdle will be the heat, and the pain in my joints.
I wish I could live in the pool. I wish I had my own pool personal trainer, doing things that will help me feel challenged, instead of having to adjust to all the slower people. Maybe I'll track down Sheryl sometime and ask her for a list I could do on my own, when it's open swim.
We're all set for now though.
...................... for now.
I DO know that it felt really good to just move around. It's so hard to move my body everyday, but in the water, I'm free. Absolutely free.
I was kind of surprised at how small the class was for water aerobics. There were a couple old people, and couple of morbidly obese people like me, (men and women. Newton was always just women, and packed to the brim). I didn't feel out of place at all. I thought when I got in the water I'd feel gross and fat, but I felt really good. I did better than most of the people in the class, surprisingly enough. I can see this being a challenge in the future.
I want to keep doing W/A. I want to do it for the rest of my life. The teacher at the Walnut Creek location is okay, but she's kind of lax, and didn't really switch it up a lot and didn't seem particularly fit herself, or excited about teaching the class. Don't get me wrong, I totally got my heart rate up, and this is perfect for the fitness level I'm at right now.
In Newton, our instructor was an absolute drill sergeant. She was taut and toned to perfection. She'd yell out the count when we were doing reps, tell us to push it and push hard. She had us doing exercises with such intensity, and she got results, damnit. You couldn't help but want to try your damnedest keep up with her. I LOVED working out with her. I never got to her fitness level, (obviously), but I made blazing progress. I dropped a ton of weight and I was strong. I remember putting on a dress for work one morning and discovered I had a rockin' quad muscle. That night at class I went up to Sheryl and was like, "do you see this???? I made this!!"
Although this class is perfect for now, (since I need to ease into it), in the future, it's going to become way too easy. I was looking through schedules for all the Y's in the area I can go to. Riverfront has a shitty W/A program, but South Suburban's looks absolutely killer. I have a feeling I may end up driving to the south side at some point in the future, when I need more of a challenge.
For now, I'm completely satisfied. The people in our class are few, and not in good shape. Just like me! I didn't feel self conscious at all. But someday, they're going to drag me down and keep the class from being as great as it could be. The instructor is going to have to accommodate the people that need to take it easy. (Sheryl never did that. If you fell behind, that was fine, but if you came to her class, you weren't going to get sympathetic, weak workouts). I want that again. Hopefully I can work up to that in the future.
As for right now? The workout didn't feel particularly intense, but I am covered in Biofreeze from head to toe right now, and I had to take some Aleve and Tylenol. My hips and knees are KILLING ME. I swear to god, I would feel so much better if my doctor would just give me a pain medication. I don't think anyone really understands how much my body hurts all the time. Except Mary. She knows. She's right there with me. It's chronic, but I'm sure dropping weight will help.
I'm still actively pursuing the gastric bypass option. W/A will definitely help keep up or raise my metabolism, but I highly doubt it will have any impact on my weight like it did last time. I don't know that for sure, but based on my past, things look pretty grim.
When I came home from the pool tonight I was absolutely ravenous. I ate a big sandwich and still felt hungry. I even tried waiting it out, just to make sure I was actually hungry and not just wanting to shove food in my mouth for a good time. Nope, I was honest to god still hungry. I had a protein shake to curb it, and it worked pretty well, but a few hours later I was ravenous again. I ate another sandwich, then had some of my fancy beans and meatballs. I finally don't feel hungry, but this is part of the reason I can't keep my fat ass under control. I was at the store with Sara last night and I was so hungry I felt like I was going to throw up. Gastric Bypass takes away your hunger. And because you eat so little when you DO eat, it has to be nutritious. I can't even imagine what that's like. When I pick what I want to eat at the store, I pick based on what's going to fill me up the most and for the longest time. That's one of the reasons I eat so much damn bread and peanut butter. They fill me up pretty good. Too bad they're shitty things to eat. Well, at least the bread anyway.
This should all go in another blog, but right now I'm stuck looking at the big picture.
So, W/A is great. On off days I'm going to go with Nathan and work the treadmill, elliptical and arc trainer. I've got a killer mix on my Ipod and am ready to boogie. My hurdle will be the heat, and the pain in my joints.
I wish I could live in the pool. I wish I had my own pool personal trainer, doing things that will help me feel challenged, instead of having to adjust to all the slower people. Maybe I'll track down Sheryl sometime and ask her for a list I could do on my own, when it's open swim.
We're all set for now though.
...................... for now.
.....
That's not to say that I'm currently contemplating putting a bullet through my temporal bone. I just wonder sometimes what the point of living in such a broken, fat piece of shit is.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The Meeting
So I went to the bariatric meeting tonight. Dee came with me for support. Bless her heart, she was one of only like, 5 skinny people in the room. They didn't really tell me anything I didn't already know as far as procedure was concerned. The woman doing the lecture was really supportive. She didn't place blame and talked about how obesity is a disease, yadda yadda. It made me feel a little better, although I'm glad I took a xanax before I went. They were showing BMI charts and body type charts, and seeing how bad my weight situation is made me want to bawl.
It got me thinking about my weight throughout my life. Elementary school, I was overweight, middle school, it got worse. I was always teased. I beat a few people up and that made things a bit better, lol. Kids were afraid to make fun of me. High school, I was still fat. I was 180 I think. My sophomore year I quit eating for 3 months and got myself down to a "normal" weight. I was around 130. My junior year I gained it all back. I got back up to 175. I had started psych meds at that point and my weight really started to go up. By my senior year I was 238. Before I started my freshman year of college, Mom took me to the endocrinologist in Kansas City, MO, the same one I still see. We found my thyroid was fucking broken, so I started meds for that, and switched from Lithium to Topomax for my psych meds. Weight started to come off and I started walking every night. By my sophomore year I was back down to 190. I held steady there until my first job after college. I had taken an interest in swimming and would go every morning before work. Without really doing anything besides that, I dropped to 180 again. I stayed at that weight for a few months, then moved to PA and got up to 203. I drifted around that weight until I came home in August 2006. I was living with Tron and started working at Curves. I didn't have anything to do at work besides.... duh, workout, so I dropped back down to 190. I stayed at that weight for a little over a couple of years. I had been at Iowa Telecom for 2 years when my buddy Charity and I signed up for water aerobics at the YMCA. Amazingly enough, I started losing weight again. I got back down to, surprise, 175. I felt really good at that weight. I felt sexy and strong, and I thought I looked good in my clothes. I was wearing a size 16, but it was a sexy 16. Not long after, I had my laparoscopy and was officially diagnosed with endometriosis. When I started the hormone therapy, I noticed my weight started to creep back up. I weighed myself before class one night, and I was 183. I panicked. Everyone was like, "oh, I'm sure it's just muscle." Bullshit.
I started going to the Y early. I'd spend a half hour to 45 minutes on the arc trainer, then do water aerobics. I was always exhausted and sore. Eventually my weight was back up to 190. Still panicking, I tried to cut carbs. Tessa helped me out and showed me the ropes of the diabetic diet. I gave it maybe.... 3 months? I can't remember. December of 2009 was my hysterectomy, and I went into it weighing 200. After my 6 weeks of no strenuous activity, I was back at the gym. I'd go for a couple hours every other night after work. I'd switch between the arc trainer, treadmill, stair stepper and stationary bike. After my incision started to feel better, I added in weights. I burned myself out pretty quickly and started doing maybe half an hour after work. I hadn't weighed myself, but a couple months later I had to buy bigger pants. Again, I panicked. I applied for a credit card and signed up for Farrell's XTreme Body Shaping. It was 400 hundred bucks for 10 weeks, but I was positive it was going to work. My starting weight was 205. I was humiliated. I was going 4-5 times a week and loving it. It was fucking hard, but I felt like I was making progress. Six weeks into the program I rolled the shit out of my ankle. I went to the doctor a couple days after it happened and weighed in at 238. I could have died right there. The doctor asked me how I hurt my ankle and I told him I was kick boxing. He said, "well there's your problem." I just stared at him. How could he say anything bad about my workout routine when I was so fucking fat? I couldn't afford to do the maintenance program with Farrell's, so I invested in a punching bag. I was using it, even wrapped it in foam so I didn't bother the gays upstairs. I went to Dee's one night to check on the dogs and used Dave's scale upstairs. I was 255. I had given up hope, but Dee and Sara and Tessa bought me a bodybugg. I had hope again. Losing weight is easy, it's calories in vs. calories out. I knew how much I was burning, so I should easily be able to make sure there was a deficit. I kept at it for 11 weeks. I counted every calorie, every serving size. I was so good at making sure I had a 500 - 1000 calorie deficit. If I was bad and wanted junk food, I made sure I at least broke even. At one point I thought I'd lost 5 pounds, but it must have been water weight. At week 12 I had gained another 8 pounds. That's when I gave up. I've not been working out. There was a brief time when I was trying to go around Gray's Lake consistently, but it didn't last long. Walking hurts. Everything hurts. I don't watch what I eat. Now I'm 280.
Now I don't know what to do. At the meeting they passed out a questionnaire. I need to get it filled out and send it in. I think at that point they'll look at my insurance and then tell me what the requirements are for the bypass.
At the end of the meeting one of the nurses said, "if surgery isn't for you, you can try one of our nutrition classes."
There's some intuitive eating thing, an OPTIFAST/OPTITRIM deal where they use prepackaged meals, like on the show Ruby, and some other one, but I can't remember what it was.
Dee wants me to try one of those before I try the surgery. Of course, insurance doesn't cover it. Dee offered to pay, but I've let her down in the past when she's bought me stuff for weight loss and I feel like a piece of shit borrowing money for my personal problems.
My other issue is I don't have COBRA for much longer. I think I have another 6 or 7 months. I need Tyne to help me decide on what to do after that, since that's her thing, but if I still want the surgery, I'm going to have to have good coverage. I can always go on DMACC's policy, so I'm not worried about going without insurance altogether, I'm just worried about having a plan that will cover surgery.
It got me thinking about my weight throughout my life. Elementary school, I was overweight, middle school, it got worse. I was always teased. I beat a few people up and that made things a bit better, lol. Kids were afraid to make fun of me. High school, I was still fat. I was 180 I think. My sophomore year I quit eating for 3 months and got myself down to a "normal" weight. I was around 130. My junior year I gained it all back. I got back up to 175. I had started psych meds at that point and my weight really started to go up. By my senior year I was 238. Before I started my freshman year of college, Mom took me to the endocrinologist in Kansas City, MO, the same one I still see. We found my thyroid was fucking broken, so I started meds for that, and switched from Lithium to Topomax for my psych meds. Weight started to come off and I started walking every night. By my sophomore year I was back down to 190. I held steady there until my first job after college. I had taken an interest in swimming and would go every morning before work. Without really doing anything besides that, I dropped to 180 again. I stayed at that weight for a few months, then moved to PA and got up to 203. I drifted around that weight until I came home in August 2006. I was living with Tron and started working at Curves. I didn't have anything to do at work besides.... duh, workout, so I dropped back down to 190. I stayed at that weight for a little over a couple of years. I had been at Iowa Telecom for 2 years when my buddy Charity and I signed up for water aerobics at the YMCA. Amazingly enough, I started losing weight again. I got back down to, surprise, 175. I felt really good at that weight. I felt sexy and strong, and I thought I looked good in my clothes. I was wearing a size 16, but it was a sexy 16. Not long after, I had my laparoscopy and was officially diagnosed with endometriosis. When I started the hormone therapy, I noticed my weight started to creep back up. I weighed myself before class one night, and I was 183. I panicked. Everyone was like, "oh, I'm sure it's just muscle." Bullshit.
I started going to the Y early. I'd spend a half hour to 45 minutes on the arc trainer, then do water aerobics. I was always exhausted and sore. Eventually my weight was back up to 190. Still panicking, I tried to cut carbs. Tessa helped me out and showed me the ropes of the diabetic diet. I gave it maybe.... 3 months? I can't remember. December of 2009 was my hysterectomy, and I went into it weighing 200. After my 6 weeks of no strenuous activity, I was back at the gym. I'd go for a couple hours every other night after work. I'd switch between the arc trainer, treadmill, stair stepper and stationary bike. After my incision started to feel better, I added in weights. I burned myself out pretty quickly and started doing maybe half an hour after work. I hadn't weighed myself, but a couple months later I had to buy bigger pants. Again, I panicked. I applied for a credit card and signed up for Farrell's XTreme Body Shaping. It was 400 hundred bucks for 10 weeks, but I was positive it was going to work. My starting weight was 205. I was humiliated. I was going 4-5 times a week and loving it. It was fucking hard, but I felt like I was making progress. Six weeks into the program I rolled the shit out of my ankle. I went to the doctor a couple days after it happened and weighed in at 238. I could have died right there. The doctor asked me how I hurt my ankle and I told him I was kick boxing. He said, "well there's your problem." I just stared at him. How could he say anything bad about my workout routine when I was so fucking fat? I couldn't afford to do the maintenance program with Farrell's, so I invested in a punching bag. I was using it, even wrapped it in foam so I didn't bother the gays upstairs. I went to Dee's one night to check on the dogs and used Dave's scale upstairs. I was 255. I had given up hope, but Dee and Sara and Tessa bought me a bodybugg. I had hope again. Losing weight is easy, it's calories in vs. calories out. I knew how much I was burning, so I should easily be able to make sure there was a deficit. I kept at it for 11 weeks. I counted every calorie, every serving size. I was so good at making sure I had a 500 - 1000 calorie deficit. If I was bad and wanted junk food, I made sure I at least broke even. At one point I thought I'd lost 5 pounds, but it must have been water weight. At week 12 I had gained another 8 pounds. That's when I gave up. I've not been working out. There was a brief time when I was trying to go around Gray's Lake consistently, but it didn't last long. Walking hurts. Everything hurts. I don't watch what I eat. Now I'm 280.
Now I don't know what to do. At the meeting they passed out a questionnaire. I need to get it filled out and send it in. I think at that point they'll look at my insurance and then tell me what the requirements are for the bypass.
At the end of the meeting one of the nurses said, "if surgery isn't for you, you can try one of our nutrition classes."
There's some intuitive eating thing, an OPTIFAST/OPTITRIM deal where they use prepackaged meals, like on the show Ruby, and some other one, but I can't remember what it was.
Dee wants me to try one of those before I try the surgery. Of course, insurance doesn't cover it. Dee offered to pay, but I've let her down in the past when she's bought me stuff for weight loss and I feel like a piece of shit borrowing money for my personal problems.
My other issue is I don't have COBRA for much longer. I think I have another 6 or 7 months. I need Tyne to help me decide on what to do after that, since that's her thing, but if I still want the surgery, I'm going to have to have good coverage. I can always go on DMACC's policy, so I'm not worried about going without insurance altogether, I'm just worried about having a plan that will cover surgery.
SSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHH
This is going to be a long one, but I need something to do during my study break. First anatomy test is tomorrow. Maybe I'll break this up into two posts. Whatever.
First, my doctor's appointment. I had a pap done and had her check my butt hole since I had pooped out quite a bit of blood. All of that was fine, except the pap hurt like crazy. She was swabbing and I was like "why does that hurt so goddamn bad??!!" Apparently she was swabbing right up in the little cup where they sew the inner vag shut. That sucked.
So then we talked about my weight. She was asking if I had any questions and concerns and I said, "oh yes I do. I'm concerned about my fat ass."
She looked at my weight and said she was concerned too. I'd gained another 30 pounds since the last time I was there. She said she'd seen how much weight I gained and....... my dishwasher is making a very bizarre noise right now....... Important note, do not open the dishwasher when it's filling with water. Whoops.
Anyway, she said she saw how much weight I'd gained, and it wasn't showing any signs of slowing down. She asked about my hormones. I told her it was at 120 right now. She asked about my testosterone. I told her as far as I knew that was fine as well. I'd just had blood work done, and the only thing wrong was my high cholesterol and triglycerides. She said usually when they put women on HRT they keep them at a level that is considered post menopausal. This provides some relief from symptoms and keeps the possibility of getting lady cancer low. I guess if you flood the body with estrogen your tits will rot off. I told her I was still having hot flashes, and she mentioned that was probably part of my problem.
We talked about stuff I've tried. I told her about the bodybugg and counting calories, and about Farrell's, and how after getting no results, I hurt everywhere and have just given up. I asked about the lap band, and she said for someone like me, she'd recommend the gastric sleeve or gastric bypass. She said she's had several patients that have had the lap band procedure, and none of them were really happy with the results. She said the ads where they show people a hundred pounds lighter are the exception, not the rule, and that it's rare for people to lose more than 40 pounds with it.
That was kind of discouraging. I teared up a bit and said, "I don't want to go into my 30's at 300 pounds. I don't have a life. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to put on clothes because nothing fits and nothing looks good. I don't fit into chairs. I struggle to wipe my own ass. I hate that my boyfriend has to be seen with me, and I just hate myself in general."
Thankfully she's been through hysterectomy and weight gain herself and is generally very compassionate. She said, "my dear, you're in hormone hades. No one has really studied what affect hysterectomy has on women under 30. I don't have any definitive answers for you, and it sounds like your endocrinologist doesn't either. But if you don't lose weight, and lose it soon, you will be diabetic, and you will have heart disease, and you will be looking into hip and knee replacements by the time you're 40."
She told me to look into the bypass options, and that Grinnell had a pretty good doctor that she'd referred people to. I told her I'd rather find someone closer, so she recommended I attend a bariatric meeting at Mercy.
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