Long Overdue

I've lost 113 pounds.  I still can't believe I can see my collar bones.

I can't seem to get this costochondritis under control.  My ribs will feel alright for a couple of days. and then WHAM.  I get that crippling, chest clenching pain that knocks the wind out of me.  I've gotten to a point where I actually considered suicide because the pain was so bad.  Don't worry, I don't have a plan or anything.  I've just thought about it.  When it flares up, it's like there's a vice on my esophagus.  I can't breathe, I can't swallow, and it feels like someone has a death grip on my heart.  I break out in a cold sweat and just try to stay perfectly still while I pull my hair.

The anxiety from the pain is just as agonizing as the pain itself.  I've reverted back to my old ways of shutting myself in the apartment with no light, just sleeping.  I'm scared to move.  I keep running out of my xanax too early because I can't get this fear under control.  I know I need to get in to see my psychiatrist, but leaving the apartment is too much to handle.  I only leave for work.  I got a new, infinitely less stressful job working at the Wells Fargo mail room.  It's a few blocks from me and I work 8:30 pm to 12:30 am.  It's not bad.  It's very routine and I can just shut my brain off.  I had to quit Younkers.  The physical and emotional stress was making my life a living hell.  The idea was for me to work both jobs so I could pay some bills, but that didn't pan out.  I'm content with the mail room job for now.  I just wish I'd handled Younkers differently.  I called in legitimately sick with pain for 3 days.  After that I spoke with my supervisor and she said they couldn't work with my new work schedule and I'd need to resign, so I just stopped showing up.  No goodbyes, no nothing.  I really fucked over the girls that work at the counter, but if I think of all the times I got fucked over by coming back to work 5 weeks early and constantly being hounded by my mountain troll supervisor, I don't feel as bad.

I'm worried that some of this fear and anxiety is from not taking my psych meds on a regular basis.  I can't swallow the pills whole, so I crush them, and they taste just awful.  I think I can avoid it for a couple of days, but I really can't.  My mental health hangs in a delicate balance, and changing or adding something new always throws me into turmoil.  So add in body changes and debilitating pain  to the mix and I need to be more diligent than ever about taking my pills regularly.

I'm sticking with my doctor in Newton.  She's the only one that understands.  She says I have at least 10 more weeks of pain killers and muscle relaxers before we can consider weaning off.  I need to call the bariatric center too.  They're worried about me and keep calling, but the idea of going out in public is too much.  I need to suck it up though.  They're there to take care of me.

Venting Time!

I haven't posted forever, but I feel goddamn inspired right now.

So I had my gastric bypass on March 4th.  Best decision I've ever made.  I've lost 78 pounds since the surgery.  I'm fatigued a bit and get worn out easily, but whatever.
I fit in chairs again.  I can stand longer.  My back doesn't hurt as much.  I barely spend any money on food.  Usually I just pick a couple things off of Nathan's plate and that does the trick.
My hot flashes haven't gotten any better, but I just got some new estrogen cream and that seems to be helping.

Here's where I have to start bitching.
I was supposed to take 6 weeks off work, but according to the HR department at work, I could only miss 1 week and keep my job.  I opted to keep my job and went back to work early.  It's not construction work or anything, but it's a physically demanding job.  About 5 weeks after being back at work, I started getting weird pain under my left boob and in my upper left chest.  I ignored it, but it kept getting worse.  One morning I couldn't do anything but cry because it hurt so much, so I had Nathan take me to the ER.  I was scared I was having a heart attack or had a blood clot in my lung.  At this point the pain was completely random, so when I got the the ER, I felt fine.  They did an EKG, took an x-ray and did blood work.  Everything was fine.
I was kind of amused because my ER doctor is the wife of the guy that did my bypass.  Small world.

After life threatening complications were ruled out, I followed up with my regular doc in Des Moines.  He said my ribs were sprained and gave me some muscle relaxers.  I had a follow up with my surgeon as well.  He ordered a CAT scan to check for leaks, but all was well.
Things kind of felt like they were getting better, but then I fell down the stairs at my apartment.  I caught myself with my left arm and twisted my bad ankle.  The pain in my ribs became UNBEARABLE at that point.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't keep solid food down.  I just sat on the couch and rocked back and forth.  Sometimes I could use ice, sometimes not.  My ribs were just too tender to have anything touch them.
One night I was in absolute agony.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lay down, I could barely talk.  I woke Nathan up and we went to the ER again.  This time I was sobbing and writhing from pain.  They couldn't get a good EKG reading because I was trembling so much, but they did blood work and took me in for another CAT scan.  Again, everything was fine.  They didn't help my pain one bit, though.  They gave me some aspirin through my IV.  Ooooh, look out.  They're not messing around!  ASPIRIN!!!
As soon as I was discharged I got in the car and doubled over, crying still.  Luckily they gave me some liquid hydrocodone, so that took the edge off.  It didn't last long.
I went to my Des Moines doctor again for a followup.  I wanted to go to my Newton doctor, but I would have had to wait a month to see her.
This time he gave me stronger muscle relaxers and sent me to physical therapy.

I was happy about physical therapy until they started pressing on me.  I could instantly tell that the therapist had never known a day of pain in his life.  He essentially jammed his thumbs into my sternum and into the muscles between my ribs.  The pain was unbearable.  When I got home, I collapsed on the kitchen floor and dry heaved for a good 10 minutes.  I made it to the couch and just curled up in the fetal position.
I went back a couple of days later and the guy asked how I was.  I told him what happened and he was like, "the therapy should have helped."  I was like, "sorry to poop on your parade, but it made it worse."  He had another therapist work on my spine instead.  It still was horribly painful.
I went for 3 weeks and then called them and told them I couldn't do it anymore.  I could literally feel the left side of my chest swell up after they were done "massaging" me.

After my last PT appointment, I went straight to my regular Des Moines doctor, doubled over and in tears.  I told him what was going on between sobs so he gave me some more hydrocodone and a referral to a pain specialist.
I followed the directions to the specialist only to find out they scheduled it at another location and didn't tell me, so we had to reschedule.  I was out of pain medicine so I had to white knuckle it until the appointment.
The doctor was a total ASS.  He asked me 100 times who my family doc was, he answered his cell phone in the middle of my appointment, he repeatedly told me I'm on too many psych meds, and since I was crying from the pain, he shoved a paper towel at me and said, "I can't stand to see a woman cry."  
He wrote a script for pool therapy and scheduled me for intercostal nerve blocks to help with the pain.  I had to wait a week for that, so that was more white knuckling.  He also remarked I may be too fat for the procedure.  THAT was frustrating.  I'M LOSING WEIGHT AS FAST AS I FUCKING CAN!!  I refuse to believe I'm too fat for a nerve block.  This is America for fuck's sake.  Everyone is fat.

Yesterday.  Yesterday was the appointment and one of the worst days of my life.  I was terrified of having a needle inserted into my spine since I'm so tender, so I was VERY nervous.  They asked if I wanted sedation so of course I said yes.  They said they gave me something, but I didn't feel anything.  My blood pressure was skyrocketing so they gave me something for that and then gave me a little more sedative.  I still didn't feel anything and was trembling from fear.
The doctor came in and asked if I had blood pressure issues.  I told him no, and I have it checked all the fucking time.  He didn't believe me and called off the procedure.  He told me to see my family doctor to get my blood pressure sorted out.  I tried to explain how nervous I was, but he kept insisting I had a blood pressure problem.  They were also using the blood pressure machine instead of doing it manually.  That probably contributed to the high blood pressure.  Those things squeeze WAY too tight.  I got home and noticed big, blue welts and broken blood vessels all over my upper arms.
Since  I was so full of vitriol for my Des Moines doctor for the shitty referral, the physical therapist for hurting me so much, the pain specialist for being a FUCKING ASSHOLE, and everyone else, I called Newton to try and get in to see Laurie.  OF COURSE, she's out of town for the week.  I took my chances and went to see the on call doctor there.  He wasn't horrible.  He said I was a complicated case.  FUCKING DUH.  He took my blood pressure and it was totally normal.  He said he'd fax the pain douche those results.  He also put me on Neurontin, which I'm not pleased about.  It's for nerve pain, but I took it in high school/college for mood stuff.  It made me gain 500 pounds and I didn't lose it until I switched meds.  I'm taking the medicine, but I'm making an appointment with Laurie.  She's the only one I trust, aside from my chiropractor.  I want her opinion on the Neurontin.  I want to know if she thinks I should have an MRI.  I want a referral for a different pain doctor.  I want her to see my bypass progress.  I want her to tell me what the problem might be since the answers I've gotten from everyone are the same... "I don't know."  I just need her compassion since I'm getting jack shit from everyone else.
It's like the journey to my hysterectomy all over again.  This time I don't have the patience to wait 14 years for a solution.  This shit is going to happen NOW or the streets will run red with blood.  This has been going on for about 3 months now and I've had it.  I'M DONE.

For anyone out there that's looking for a pain doctor, avoid this ass hat.
Dana Simon

Orthopedist

Since I've been complaining to my new doctor here in Des Moines about my back so much, he sent me to an orthopedist.  I thought I'd be getting an MRI to check on my bulging discs, and I thought I'd be getting some more help with pain, at least until up to my surgery.  I thought he'd offer me different pain medication or an epidural or steroids or something.
Instead, it was the most useless fucking appointment ever.  I'm pretty pissed off about it.  I've been to a lot of doctors and most of them have been shitty, so I don't know why I thought this would be any different.
I gave an extremely detailed account of my back trouble to the nurse and watched her type it all up as I talked, so I know that fucker had all of the information.
I had two x-rays taken.  One from the front and one from the side.
The doctor came in, wearing a big gold chain around his neck and sat down.  I instantly knew he was a piece of shit.  He asked what I was taking so I told him I was on Diclophenac, Flexeril, Lortab, and a glucosamine supplement.  I also told him I was having gastric bypass on March 4th.
He got up once and tested my reflexes then sat back down.

This next part is why I REALLY need to take someone with me to my doctor's appointments.  For as mouthy and opinionated as I am, I freeze up in the doctor's office and never plead my case like I should.

He said the x-rays show clear disc deterioration, but there was no reason to take an MRI.

*I thought, but didn't say, my x-rays in 2006 showed the same thing, but the bulging only showed up on an MRI, so why shouldn't he do another one?*

He said he doesn't recommend surgery.  Fine.  I don't want back surgery.  Some of my uncles have had their vertebrae fused and they're miserable.

He said taking Lortab was a big mistake and had no therapeutic value and would only make me constipated.  He then said he has severely degenerated discs and he doesn't use pain medication.  He just deals with it and so should I.

*I thought, how the hell am I supposed to function?  I've missed at LEAST a week's worth of work and several days of classes because I can't even get out of bed the pain is so bad.  And I have diarrhea all the time, jackass.  But again, I didn't say anything.*

He said I need intensive physical therapy because my muscles are weak.

*I DID say I had done physical therapy before, but they told me they couldn't help me after 3 appointments because it hurt too much for them to touch me.*

I'm fine doing physical therapy again.  It struck me as odd that the last office I went to sent me away. I've been in physical therapy several times before, and it's never comfortable.  They always stretch the crap out of me because my muscles are so tight, but the last office that said they couldn't help never had me do stretches.

So I'm out of pain killers again, and now have to call my regular doctor to see if I can get a refill for a month and ask him to stop referring me to dick holes.

I have a sneaking suspicion this guy didn't take me seriously because of how fat I am.  He never mentioned my weight, but my snap judgements have a good track record.

I would like to add one more thing.  I haven't had a doctor's appointment this ridiculous since I was trying to find help with my uterus.  It took 14 years for someone to take me seriously.  I was laughed at, told I was exaggerating, told there was nothing wrong, and TOLD TO JUST GET PREGNANT.

*I did say something to the pregnancy guy, but my mom was with me so I was more confident.  I told him to jump on and do it himself because I was not in the market of OTC sperm and a shitty baby I didn't want.*

Anyway, that's that.  I'll call the physical therapist and keep going to my chiropractor and keep hoping that losing weight is going to make this infinitely better.  (Even though I had severe issues before I got super obese).

I ALMOST FORGOT!
http://www.dsmcapitalortho.com/physicians/
William Boulden.  Fuck face extraordinaire.

Excitement Poop!

I'm getting so pumped for this procedure that I'm giving myself anxiety diarrhea.  I put away several fat clothes today and looked at the clothes in my closet that I was wearing before my hysterectomy.  I kept most of them because I knew I'd get back to normal someday.  I just didn't think it would take this long.
I'm trying to change my relationship with food.  If I want to eat a huge piece of cake or other junk, I remember how awful I feel when I've packed it all in, and then I don't want it.  It's like nothing really tastes good anymore.  I'm on this kick where I want to get in all the crap food I won't be able to eat anymore before my liquid diet, but it's hard to make those foods seem appealing right now.  Hopefully this is a good thing.
I'm so stoked about being able to work out again.  I'm going to have to start wicked slow, but I build muscle pretty quickly, (thanks Dad), so it's typically not that tedious.  I need to go to bed.  I have to get up early for an orthopedist appointment, but I'm excited.  March 4th can't get here soon enough!!!

I'm On The Books!

Valentines day at 10 am I go in for an upper GI scope and a biopsy to check for infection. I'll be drugged but not knocked out, so Mom is going to take me to the appointment since I won't be allowed to drive. 

Feb 19th I have a 2 hour diet/exercise class at 8:15 am. After the class is over, I'm officially on a liquid diet until the day of surgery to shrink my liver. 

Feb 21st is my second diet/exercise class at 8:15 am.

After Feb 25 I have to have a pre-op physical with my primary care physician. 

March 4th is the surgery. I don't know the time yet. Mom will be taking that day off of work to take me in.

You've Come A Long Way, Baby

I haven't updated this in months, and I'm only here now for one reason,

I HAVE BEEN APPROVED FOR GASTRIC BYPASS!!!!