Don't Yell at Me!

Goddamnit, I already know I need to pull my head out of my ass.  I don't need a big lecture.  I have no intention of just letting the bodybugg sit in obscurity on my dresser for the rest of time.  As soon as I get home from Grinnell I'll begin again.  Bodybugg, counting calories, working out (even if it is just moderate activity.)

I know I binge eat, and I know I have hormone issues.  I keep scouring the internet for more information, and all I can find right now is confirmation that hormone issues will cause weight gain.
I still feel like my weight is 100% my fault, so it's hard to dig out of that and just let go.
I have been down lately, and I have turned to food.  Sometimes I do well, sometimes I just suck.
Since I've been in Grinnell I've eaten fast food 4 days in a row.  GROSS.  I got sick of it today so I ate some pot roast my mom made and a baby romaine salad with greek oil dressing.  I was still hungry so I had some pasta and a granola bar.

I'd really like to have the bodybugg on me right now, considering I'm being pretty active, but I'm not driving to Des Moines to get it.  It will have to wait until I can get home.

I've done well eating out with Nathan these past few weeks.  We went to Applebee's and I got one of the under 550 calorie meals.  I ate slowly and enjoyed the food.  I left feeling full, but not painfully stuffed.  I did the same thing when we went to Cafe Phoenix in Grinnell for Valentines day and again when we went to Hessen Haus.  I ignored all of the side dishes and just ate my main course with dignity.  Also, if I want pop with a meal and can't get diet, I'll order a big glass of water and mostly drink that, with a few sips of the pop in between.
So I'm trying to be conscientious about my eating.
I've been wanting to buy one of the huge bags of peanut butter m&m's, but instead I get one bar of dark chocolate and munch on that.

I've been sort of enjoying having achy muscles after painting all day, so I really want to get on the resistance bands.  Hammer them hard.  If it hurts to walk for long with my knees and ankles and back being a piece of shit, then I should make up for it by getting my muscles strong.

Here's another thought for me to mull over.  Before you can be approved for a lap band or gastric bypass, you have to undergo 6 months of doctor supervised dieting.  If I can get myself in that mindset, that would be good.  Like, keep saying to myself, "if I eat right and exercise, then there's hope I can get a lap band and hopefully end this mess of obesity."  If I end up making progress on my own, well then good on me.

I know no one that reads this is in favor of me having lap band surgery, but it's my glimmer of hope.  And don't think I'm not diligently researching it either.  This isn't a whim.  I've talked to Trudy about her surgeries and my doctor.  I'm looking for more women to talk to as well.  I want to get as much insight as possible.

Long story short, yes, I'm a bit depressed.  Yes, I've been giving up and doing this shit half hearted.  Yes, I know I need to kick it into gear.  No, I don't need everyone to keep telling me the same thing.  I already know.  I KNOW GODDAMNIT. 

So don't chew me out.  Just nudge me.  When Sara and Dee ask me to go for a walk, that reminds me it's time to get up and move.  And when they slow down for me, I know they're thinking of me and my health.  Nathan walks with me too, but his legs are so long, I don't like holding him back.
When Tessa gets more of her stuff out, I'll have room for my punching bag and what not.

So there.  Poop to you.