Energize!

I feel really pepped up today.  I'm sleepy because I didn't get to bed until 4 am, but my body feels all hyper.  I'm going to guess it's from my 2 hours of working out.  11:30 pm to 1:30 am.  Some boxing, some crunches, a little freestyle dancing, and resistance bands.
I was on a workout kick since I didn't meet my calorie goal for the day.  I ended up coming out on top, but I only burned 2800 and my goal is 2900.  Total calorie consumption was 2060, which is definitely good.  I still had a significant calorie deficit, but I like to get to 3000 calories burned.
Anyway, my workout really ramped up my calorie burn, and by 4 am I was at 800.  It's 3:30 in the afternoon and right now my total is 2231 burned with 1000 consumed.
I shall continue to rock on with my bad self.

Back On Track

So my BodyBugg had to be charged, so I couldn't wear it for a couple of days.  I went to put it on yesterday thinking it was fully charged, but apparently it only charges when my laptop is on.  It won't charge when it's asleep.
I'm pretty sure I either broke even yesterday or went over my calorie goal.  I blame my aunt.  Her sugar cookies are of the devil.  I got the munchies around 10 last night too and had a bunch of pasta salad.
I ate the rest of those goddamn cookies before work, so right now I'm at 760 calories.  Nathan and I are going to order some Chinese food later.  I always get the steamed dumplings.  Six of them are 500 calories, which isn't bad.  They're pretty filling.

My hormones are all fucked up from me not having estrogen for 2 weeks and now my hot flashes are pretty bad, I keep crying, and my titties are sore.
On Saturday night Nathan and I were hanging out and lifted up my shirt to rub my back since it's been hurting.  To my dismay he discovered my new stretch marks, all purple and thick, around my ribs, where I've developed back fat.  I don't think he thought anything of it, but I pulled my shirt down and said I didn't want him looking at me.  I always make him turn the lights out for sex, too.
Later in the night he was giving me a hug and felt I was all sweaty.  He said something like, "ew, that's gross" and for whatever reason I assumed he was talking about the way I look.  I started to cry and was like "do you think I'm hideous???"  Of course he said no, but I still feel really self conscious.
We're going to Illinois on the 11th of December so I can meet his parents.  I don't want to meet them while I'm so fat.  I don't want them to think, "oh gross, our son could do so much better than her."

I had a bit of a reality check when I was uploading my BodyBugg data.  It gives you little alerts telling you how long you've been using it.  I feel like I've been using it forever, and I should be at least 20 pounds lighter, but I've only been using it for 2 weeks, which is about 2-3 pounds lost.  I felt better and worse at the same time.  Better, because I'm not really failing, it just hasn't been that long yet, and worse because it seems like I've been working at this forever.  If 2 weeks feels like 2 months, then how am I going to cope with 6 months?  Or even a year?  Feeling a change in my body would give me so much more motivation, but I don't feel or see any changes.  All I see are new stretch marks, which is incredibly discouraging.
I think the answer is I need to fucking lighten up.  Mentally, not physically.  I freak out about this so much, and it only ends up making it harder.  :(

Holiday Blues

Jesus Christ, why can't holiday food come with a calorie count?
I have no idea what I ate on Thursday and I could really only estimate Friday.
Friday was just a big fat bust anyway.  My back spasmed all fucking night so I didn't sleep.  I ended up in the recliner around 7 am with an ice pack.  I took 8 ibuprofen and finally fell asleep.  Of course I had a hell of a gut ache later from all the pain killers I took.
I wore the BodyBugg all day and didn't even reach my calorie burn goal.  I fell about 400 calories short since I couldn't do anything.  The day before was great though, I was running around all day and burned 3600.
The BodyBugg battery is dying so I don't have it on right now.  I really want some horrible junk food, like McDonald's.  I can get some nuggets and fries and I'll be at 1760 calories consumed for the day.  I had some granola bars and rice crispie treats my mom made.  Those are surprisingly low in calories, FYI.
I'm assuming I want trash food since I'm miserable at work right now.  My back fucking hurts and I can't bend my head down or i get this horrible pain under my shoulder blade.  I'm goddamn tired and want to go home.
I'd opt for something better, like Subway, but I forgot to take my toothbrush home with me and haven't brushed my teeth in a couple days.  I've flossed and tried scrubbing them with my sleeve, but it's just not the same.
I'm taking a nap when I get home, but I should use my resistance bands when I wake up.  Get myself a nice leg workout. Since I've been out an about today I can only assume I'll hit my 3100 calorie burn average.
Whatever.

So Far So Good

I'm really loving this BodyBugg.
I usually don't keep very good track of calories on the weekend, but I had the fatty bug on, so I wanted to keep track and did really well.
Yesterday I did cheat.  I went to Hy-Vee to get some groceries and there was this huge Thanksgiving cookie.  A bit sugar cookie the size of my hand piled high with frosting so it looked like a turkey.  My god.  I took one bite of that thing and I was gone.  Sugar orgasm.  I ate the whole thing.  I have no idea how many calories it had, but it was fucking delicious.
I estimated it had 1000 so I tried to keep my calories low for the rest of the day.  My adventures in carting around stray dogs left me with a total calorie burn of 3600 for the day, so I was a bit more comfortable with my enormous cookie.  Jesus Christ that thing was good.
I had an egg salad sandwich too, calories unknown, but I didn't eat the whole thing, so good on me.

I don't have the bug on today since it's not really feasible with the shirt that I'm wearing, but I average 3050 to 3100, so I'll be sure to keep close eye on my calories.

Meanwhile I'll go to sleep tonight dreaming of that cookie.

Things I Want

I want to look cute in clothes.
I want all my old cute clothes that are too small to fit again!
I want to be healthy.
I want to feel good.
I want my collar bones back.
I want my bras to stop cutting into me because my back rolls are so big.
I want to be able to stretch properly without my belly rolls getting in the way.
I want my thighs to rub together less.
I want to be able to accept myself.
I want to feel sexy so I'm not insecure being naked in front of my lover.
I want to stop thinking to myself, "Nathan deserves someone a lot better looking than me."
I want to enjoy a movie without feeling the arm rests of the seats burrowing into my hips.
I want my friends to be proud of me.
I want to be an example and an inspiration.
I want to be curvy as opposed to just fat.
I want to see this through to the end.

Good Vibrations

I am feeling really good right now.  I followed Squirt and Dee's advice and wore the BodyBugg to bed last night. I have burned 1900 calories so far.  I was only looking at the "trip" setting yesterday, and had reset it, so I thought I was only burning a few hundred since I started keeping track at 1pm.  When I checked the "calorie" setting, which shows what you've burned from midnight to midnight, I had burned over 3000.  That is over my goal of 2900 a day, so things are coming up Milhouse!

Also, wrapping my punching bag in foam did in fact help with deadening the sound, so I'm looking forward to attacking it tonight.

I can't wait for my resistance bands to get here.  I haven't given my legs a good workout in awhile, other than walking and kicking.

I hope I can keep up this enthusiasm.  I've been excited about stuff before, diet pills, cutting carbs, not eating after 5pm, Farrell's, keeping a binge diary...... yadda yadda yadda.
This feels different.  This is a down and dirty visual of what's going in and out of my body, calorie wise.  How much energy am I expending, how much energy am I taking in?  No more guess work.  It's right in my face.
I always just sort of estimated in my head before, or thought, hey, if I'm hungry, it's okay if I eat a big steak and a plate of fries and a bag of M&M's.  Articles say to only eat when you're hungry, so all this food is fine.
Not anymore.

I thanked everyone in yesterday's post, but I want to thank you all again.  You're all supportive in different ways, and even though my weight isn't anyone's issue but my own, you've all rallied around me and helped me take steps to change my body and change my lifestyle.  Whether you've helped me pay for fitness stuff like the BodyBugg, or you just understand what it's like to fight and struggle with your body and body image, I really appreciate it, and I think you're all just tops!

Calculations

I have managed some simple math here.  I have been wearing the BodyBugg for 7 hours, and I've burned 913 calories.  If I'm up for 7 more hours, which I will be, I"ll have burned 1826 calories, without having done any extra activity for the day.  If I go for a walk, that should burn... 200 or 300 more.  I don't know where the BodyBugg website is getting its ca-raaazy information from, but there's no way I can burn 2900 calories in a day if I have to be at work, and I DEFINITELY shouldn't be eating 2300.
Now, I may be off some, since, again, I didn't put it on until 1pm.  So, we'll say, without walking, I will have burned..... maybe 21-2200???  Does that seem reasonable?  With walking, maybe 24-2500?  I guess that puts me close to my 2900 calorie goal.  I'll have to run up the stairs a few more times before I leave this pee pee soaked heck hole.  I'm pretty sad I won't get the little beep that says "you've reached your goal!"
I think I'll run by Wal-Mart too and pick up a mattress pad for my punching bag.  I want to wail on that thing.  Why do the gays have to be so finicky when it comes to noise.  God.

The Fatty Bug

I would like to start this post off by saying thank you to my friends.  You're all very supportive, and I'm grateful for each of you.  You spoil me with your love.
A very special thank you goes out to Sara, Dee and Tessa.  They all chipped in to get me this BodyBugg, which is a little calorie counting device that tells you how many calories you've burned through the day.  There's also a web program that goes along with it so you can track how many calories you have to burn to meet your weight goals, and helps you track what you've eaten.
I got this little guy last night and it was the first time I've felt any real hope toward losing weight.

So, now it's time for me to gripe.
In the web program, I put in the kinds of food I like to eat and my height and weight and weight loss goal.  I put in there my sedentary life style/job, and that I do moderate exercise 3-5 days a week, which I think was listed under "fair" activity.  There was... I think... none, very light, light, fair, moderate, heavy, very heavy.  Those last couple were for manual laborer types that did lots of athletic training.
With my various body stats and my goal of losing 1 and a half pounds a week, I'm supposed to eat around 2300 calories and burn 2900 a day.  Now, granted I'm not doing this exactly as directed, I'm getting pissed off and discouraged right now.
The directions say to only take the armband off for an hour each day, and you should sleep with it on if possible.
That hour is supposed to give you time to shower and such since this thing isn't waterproof.
I am not sleeping with it on.  I'll crush it.  So I went to bed at 5am and got up at noon today, did my business, and put it on as I was walking out the door, which was at 1pm.  It's now 6:30pm and I've only burned..... 800 calories.  I've eaten 1300.  I was trying to hold off, but my stomach felt like it was eating itself around 5ish, so I got some Subway.
How am I supposed to burn 2900 calories when I just sit here for 8 hours a day???  It's no wonder I've packed on so much weight.  This little device is really making me feel accountable for my body.  I can't just sit here and say, "well, it must be from the surgery."
Granted, I'm pretty sure that has played a role, however big or small, but I was probably putting away maybe 3000 calories or more a day, with regular meals and junk food binges.
I'm so disgusted with myself.  I just feel sick.
I know I'm not the only one that's been through this, but jesus, why does it have to be so daunting?
Obviously the key is to ramp up my activity level and try eating less than 2300 calories, so that goal can some day be a reality.

By the way, I'm at 812 calories.  I should probably ad a couple hundred more since I didn't have this thing on until this afternoon.

I started doing resistance bands again.  I only have the ones to do arms.  I need an O ring and a figure 8 band to do the exercises for my legs.  I've tried to substitute other stuff, or wrap up the long bands, but it doesn't seem to work very well, so I'd rather just have the right bands.  (If anyone is interesting in helping me with this, I've put a set of bands on my Amazon wish list *wink wink*).
Resistance training is supposed to be the golden child of calorie burning activities, since you burn more calories at rest when your muscles aren't flabby and sad.  So my goal is to do weight stuff twice a week, give my body recovery time and get in upper and lower body, and then do cardio stuff at least 3 additional days a week.  I've always liked walking, and it should be relatively easy to do at least an hour a night.  I've got a kick ass walking mix put together.
I want to use my heavy bag more, but the gays upstairs get pissed when I do it after 11pm, and I HATE getting up to workout.  I'm not completely awake, and I'm crabby.  The last thing I want to do is work out.  I'm usually all kinds of pissed off at the end of the day and need to destress when I get home, so that's just a better time for me and I can be more intense with the workout.
I wonder if wrapping some bedding foam around it would deaden the sound.  I'll have to try it.

In the meantime, I'm taking advantage of these slow, boring periods at work to go across to the other building at work and go up and down the 4 flights of stairs.  It gets my heart rate up and makes my back feel better, since it just kills me when I sit in these office chairs forever and my ass gets numb.

850 calories burned.

It's Late

It's late, but I've been grumpy all day and don't want to sleep yet.  I went about 10 calories over 2000 today, so I worked the resistance bands.  My arms are all jello-y, so it was a good workout.  I did some good stretching, too.  I feel pretty good.  Too bad you don't see results quickly, I feel really discouraged and really ugly.  I can't really think of anything nice to say about myself right now, and I'm on the brink of tears but can't cry.

Look Out

Something is off with my brain.  It may be my hormones.  I hate and want to kill everyone and everything right now.  It could be a combination of stress and hormones.  I haven't had problems with night sweats for awhile, but they're back.  I hate everyone at work, I hate the customers calling in, I hate level 1.  My back hurts, I'm getting laid off, I just had to sign up for COBRA, I'm tired, I smell funny, I can't binge on anything, I have no money and spending some on hair products would make me feel better.  I need to do laundry, but someone is using the machines.  If I could blow the world up with my mind I totally would.
I'm looking to pick a fight.  So look out.

Body Bug

Deanne Harding is a saint.
This calorie tracking stuff can be tricky, but hopefully it's going to get a bit easier when I get the Body Bug that Dee ordered for me tomorrow.  I'm wicked excited.  THANKS DEE!!!

I got an email from my mom yesterday saying Trudy, the woman I cat sit for, had gastric bypass surgery on the 5th.  Mom said I should talk to her about weight stuff since she piled on weight after her hysterectomy.  I told Mom I've been walking and counting calories, and that lap band won't be an option until I get my hysterectomy paid off.  I've only got 775 bucks left on that bitch.

I probably went over 2000 calories a day this weekend, but I walked for an hour last night.  I need to add weight training back in the mix to really kick my metabolism into gear.
After my walk last night my back hurt so bad.  It's such a piece of shit.  I did a little stretching but it kept locking up so I just gave up.  I keep wondering if some physical therapy could help, but I don't know how close I am to my deductible on my insurance, or if it would even be covered.  I'll have to talk to my doctor at my appointment on the 22nd.  Maybe she can give me some stretches to start off with, I don't know.
I need some pain killers, but there's got to be other things I can do.  I don't approve of the way my dad is so addicted to pain killers, but I can see how it would happen.  When my back and/or shoulder hurt I can't think, I can't concentrate, I just want the pain to go away and I'll do anything to make it stop.  If someone offers me a pain pill, doesn't matter what kind, I'll take it.  OTC shit doesn't work.  I was that way before my hysterectomy.  I'd do anything to make that nauseating pain go away.  I kept calling the doctor, asking for something stronger.  I didn't care if I was loopy,  as soon as it kicked in, I could take a deep breath and go about my business.  Nathan's been giving me his Darvocet, which I mentioned before.  I don't care if it's not my prescription.  It makes the pain stop.  I'm worried I'll come off as a drug seeker if I ask the doctor for something.  I don't want to be like my dad.  I guess all I can do is be totally honest with the doctor.  Same with the weight shit.

Cheaters Never Win

Ok, I'm just going to have to chalk today up as a cheat day.
I'm still counting my calories, but I've had too many.  Some asshole brought cake in today as a going away thing for one of the admins.
I binged on sugar free pudding before work as well, but I made damn sure to write the calories down.
I had to estimate for the cake.  Hopefully I overestimated.  I had a piece, then went back and got two more pieces, didn't get all the way through them before I had to run off to the can with the trots.  Spent 30 minutes shitting, came back to my desk and threw the cake away.  A little later I went back for a small piece.
I had a couple small pieces of breakfast pizza too.
I'm guessing the cake was maybe 1000 caloires???
I looked up some numbers online which gave me my estimate.
So I think I'm at around 2200 for the day.
If I want anything else today it's going to have to be diet pop or pickles.
I finally have a free weekend, so tomorrow I want to do some kick boxing and some walking.
I guess the important thing right now is not to beat myself up for going a couple hundred calories over my goal.  If I get down on myself, I'll be back to binging as soon as I get home.  I will be ok.  I will remain on the wagon.
This will work.  

Feelin' Fine

I have had 2 solid days of good calorie counting and exercise, and I'm halfway through the 3rd day.  I feel good about myself.  I have to go to the doctor on the 22nd, and I'm sure I'll get a weight lecture, but at least I can tell her I've started counting calories and am shocked my own self at my new found chunkiness.  Maybe she'll have some insight or advice.  I also need to see if she can give me something for my shoulder pain.
Sara and I went for a walk around Gray's Lake this morning and I felt like I needed someone to put me in a wheelbarrow to make it around.  The ankle I rolled was really bothering me, my back hurt, and my shoulder was throbbing.  When I got home I did several stretches so my back feels better.  My ankle still feels stiff, but there's really nothing I can do about that.  My shoulder, on the other hand, is still throbbing.  I've been to the chiro several times for it but it's not getting any better.  I didn't do anything to it that I recall, it just hurts all the time.  There's always a dull ache and I get this shooting pain down my arm.  The muscle is agonizingly tight.  Nathan gave me one of the Darvocets he got for his neck pain and it hasn't even taken the edge off.  I've taken a muscle relaxer, the Darvocet, and 3 aspirin today and it doesn't feel any better.  It wakes me up at night so I'm exhausted and don't want to get up in the morning.

God I want some pudding.

Totals

I ended the day at 2051 calories.  I walked down to Nathan's apartment and then back up the hill before I went to bed, which I'm sure barely burned anything, but I like to think it might have taken care of that extra 51.  I'd have been alright if I didn't have that fiber bar, but, c'est la vie.  Just over 2000 is better than 3 or 4 thousand.  My goal is to stay just below 2000, preferably around 1800.  I can go from there.  I'm going around Gray's Lake with Sara at 11 am today, so that will get me some exercise.

I ended the day feeling pretty good about myself.  I didn't feel particularly hateful toward myself, so all in all, well done me.

Second Day of Counting

It's 10pm and I'm at 1311 calories for the day.
I'm starving, but I can still have 500 more calories, so I should be good.
Did anyone know there are 300 calories in a goddamn cup of peanuts???  Popcorn is only like, 20 calories a cup.  I feel less bad about my late night popcorn binges.

Well Done, Sir!

Today was a good day!  I have ended the day at 1830 calories.  The online calculator said I had to eat 2500 calories to stay at my current weight, so if I'm trying to lose, 1800 to 2000 seems like a reasonable place to start.  My goal is to get comfortable with 1600 calories, then move down to 1200.  We'll see how that goes.

I also went for a 45 minute walk around Sherman Hill and did some stretching when I got home.  I would say that burned 100, maybe 200 calories, so my total for the day should be like, 1700?  I used my shake weight a little at work, but I don't think I get much benefit from it.  It felt good to be out of my office chair, meandering around town with some super sweet tunes rockin' in my ears.  It was absolutely gorgeous weather as well, so the whole night made me feel good.  I had to head home after my ankle started to really bother me.

I think I can do this.  If I can keep track of my calories and my activities, I think I can make this happen.  Get myself under control without surgery.  The key will be to not get discouraged.
This is going to be a LOOONG journey, an epic quest.  If I can keep up with these good habits, I imagine I'll see progress in several months, and a definite difference after a year.  Just be patient.  Patient, patient, patient.  Sooo patient.

Now that I feel better about the day, I'm ready to say something nice about myself.  I am persistent, tenacious even.  I am bullheaded, and although that can really work against me, I think I have the power... I KNOW I have the power to reign in my stubborn, insubordinate nature and use it for good instead of evil.

Poop

How are you supposed to count calories in something that is homemade??  I just had some soup that Nathan made that had 4 different kinds of beans, carrots, hamburger, pasta, and some other veggies.  I had a hunk of bread with it, which I'm going to guess was maybe 300 or 400 calories, but what the hell was the soup?  I'm going to call it 300 or 400 as well and give it 700 calories.

That puts me at 1250 for the day.  I feel nice and full but I'll be hungry when I get home from work.  I think some Jello sugar free pudding might be in order.  It's only 60 calories a cup!  I could have several!
Don't judge me for getting excited about pudding.  It is my everything.

Calories Are Our Friends

Day one of calorie counting.  What a pain in the ass.  I always forget there's stuff in other stuff.
I had a Slim Fast for breakfast and thought I was only at 200 calories, but  the soy milk I put it in has 80, and the flax meal I put in has 60.  This is probably why I'm obese.  I lose track.
How many calories should I be eating??  I feel like I should only have 1200, but 1600 to 2000 is probably a lot more reasonable.

So currently I'm at 350 and it's 4 in the afternoon.  This may be why I gorge at night.  I don't eat enough throughout the day.  I'd better get it figured out, because I'm not going to consider a lap band until my hysterectomy is paid off.  Maybe by then I'll have this walking joke of a body under control.
As it is my dress fitting for Dee's wedding is December 4th, and I'm pretty sure they're going to have to special order a shit ton of fabric to get this clunker covered up.

Oh shit, I'm supposed to say something positive about myself.  Uhhhh...... fuck it.  I can't think of anything right now.

The Stigma

I just said something at work about liking to kick box.  The guy next to me goes, "really?  You kick box?"
I'm pretty sure what he meant was, "what?  You're much too fat to enjoy any kind of fitness activity."

A Compliment Sandwich

I'm going to follow Stewie Griffin's example and make myself a compliment sandwich.

The compliment bread:
When I was finished straightening my hair last night, I looked in the mirror and though, "goddamn, I've got pretty nice eyes and a fabulous bone structure."

The critical smoked turkey, lettuce, red pepper, and pesto:
At what point do I ask for help?  When do I decide that the things I'm doing aren't working and look into alternatives, like a lap band procedure?  How far do I let this go?
I'm torn.  It's been a year since my surgery.  In this year I've put on 60 pounds.  I feel like the control I have over my weight gain is limited.  I can monitor my eating.  I can exercise.  I can take my hormones.  What else am I supposed to do?  I did Farrell's in an attempt to really kick my body into gear, but my starting weight was 205, and by the end of the 10 week session I was 230.  I know I built a lot of muscle, but 25 pounds of muscle?  I'm not that much of an ox.
I also still feel just, out of whack since my surgery.  Wild body temperature changes and insane bouts of profuse sweating, headaches, forgetfulness (more than usual), etc.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take that surgery back for anything, but I keep wondering if things are still getting sorted out in this big meat sack I call a body.  Am I supposed to just give it more time?  December 4th will be the one year anniversary for my surgery.  I've read it can take over a year for your body to figure out what it's doing again.  Am I just being overly sensitive and panicky for nothing?

All these stupid weight loss articles and success stories I read say, make little changes and it will help in big ways.  Should I just keep at what I'm doing now?  It seems like my little changes are getting me absolutely nowhere.  Even my big changes are failing.  How am I suppose to figure out when to say enough, and look into more serious options?  I read insurance will cover lap band surgery if your BMI is under 38 and you have at least 2 weight related health issues.  If you have no weight related health issues, your BMI has to be over 40.  My BMI is 40.2 and so far I have no weight related health issues, but it's not something I'm going to brag or be cocky about. Diabetes and heart disease are rampant in my family and I'm terrified that each of them is lurking around a fatty corner.

Just when I think I should run to the doctor's office requesting a gut clamp, I see some story on TV or on the internet about some ex fat schlub that changed their life with a few "simple" changes.   I happened to catch a Dr. Oz clip while I was at home this morning, and saw this large woman, bigger than me, that had lost 200 pounds by dancing around.  Not intense, high impact dancing, just simple, fun moves.  If she was in the kitchen cooking, she would dance around.  If she was  home watching TV, she'd dance around.  She said she just had to commit herself to moving around more.  I thought she looked fabulous, despite her bigness.  She was so sexy when she was dancing around, showing the audience some moves, and she radiated confidence.  She made me feel like I should have more hope and give myself more time.  I like to walk, I take the stairs, I don't drive around looking for the closest parking spot I can get, (usually), I kick box when my neighbors aren't being assholes about the noise.  If I need to dance around more, I know Tessa would be more than willing to have late night dance parties with me.

I know I'm being impatient, but I hate the way my body feels right now.  I hate that my top belly roll gets in the way when I'm bending over to put on my shoes, or just trying to stretch.  I hate the way I can feel the bulges under my bra touch my waist.  I hate how I can't trim my pubes anymore because my bottom belly roll gets in the way of my vaginal line of site, (god bless my bikini waxing lady).  I hate the way I have to powder under all my various bulges so I don't end up with a nasty heat rash.  I hate the way my boobs always feel like they're being shoved up into my neck because my gut is too big.  I hate the way I can feel fat touch the top of my had when I put my hands on my hips.  I hate that I hate my body.

The second slice of compliment bread:
I have a fabulous, easy going personality.  I know I can be obnoxious and overbearing or just ditzy sometimes, but I have an intrinsic way of making people feel at ease.  If I can make someone feel a bit calmer or more comfortable with me, I'm more comfortable with myself.  Whether it's a stranger on the phone, or a clerk at the grocery store, I can empathize with all kinds of people and situations.  Unless they're jerks, or happen to look at me funny.

A Positive Spin

My gal pal Shari just gave me an excellent suggestion.  I should make a positive comment about myself in this blog, as well as voicing my concerns and frustrations.

So, today I think my hair looks full and sexy, and this little curl is kind of spiraling around my left eye in a playfully seductive kind of way.  I think it's pretty hot.
Also, this eggplant colored shirt I got at Target looks smashing on me.  It makes my eyes and my hair really stand out, and it's the perfect combination of form fitting and loose to give me a full, but hourglass-y look.  Oh, and my tits look hot.  My feet look pretty good, too.  I filed them last night and moisturized the shit out of them.

I picked up some Little Caesar's for supper.  A medium pizza and an order of bread sticks.  I had 2 pieces of pizza and 3 bread sticks.  I've been know to eat half the pizza and all the bread sticks, so kudos to me.  It's still sitting here on my desk, box open, smelling cheesy, but I don't want it.  I can't eat anything for the rest of the day anyway since I have to fast for my blood test tomorrow.  Also I just feel queasy.  I blame the election of Rand Paul for that.  No amount of Pepto or Gaviscon could fix that bit of idiocy.

Hunger Pains

I'm fucking hungry as hell right now.  At noon I had a Slim Fast with some flax meal and Benefiber mixed in.  Then I had a Naked Green Machine.  I'm drinking a cherry coke zero right now, and had a single serving of peanut butter m&m's as a snack.  Calories add up really fucking fast.  I feel like I should only have like, 500-900 calories, but 2000 is recommended.  I saw this show about a woman that had weight issues similar to mine and had gastric bypass.  After the surgery she was only eating about 600 calories a day.  According to my rough calculations, I've had about 800 so far today.  I get way too hungry to live on that few.  Right now I feel like I'm about to puke I'm so hungry.  I don't want to have a big surgery again.  It's so expensive, but trying to do that extreme of a cut back without some kind of stomach alteration is rough.

Damn it Feels Good to be Medicated

I haven't blogged in a couple of days, but don't worry, it's not from lack of struggling with eating!

I just had a nice 3 day weekend with my lover and didn't really go near a computer.

I've been a real bitch the past few days but finally got my thyroid refilled and feel better.  Less tired, less bitchy.  I just got my estrogen refilled too, and am getting blood taken tomorrow to check my levels.  My body temp has been a wild roller coaster since I ran out a couple weeks ago, so I should start feeling better soon.  I get migraines way too often when my hormones are low.  I have to take Imitrex like goddamn candy.
I need to get to my regular doctor and my psych doctor.  Maybe they'll have some insight as to what I can do for my weight.  I know a few of my medications cause weight gain, so maybe switching those up could help.  I don't know. Plus I won't have insurance for much longer and need to get checkups in before I start living under a bridge, binging on pizza crusts and shoe leather.

I didn't have any real revelations this weekend.  I went for a walk on Friday night, up and down the big hill in Sherman Hill.  I thought I was going to die on my 3rd lap, but I was glad I was doing it.
I want to get out the bag and box, but I need to go to the chiro.  My shoulder is killing me.
I went to a wedding with Nathan on Saturday and was standing around in heels for about an hour.  The ankle I rolled during Farrell's started swelling up and it still hurts, so I don't know if kick boxing is such a great idea right now.  My body is a broken wasteland.
I sucked it up and got on the scale the other day.  I've been avoiding scales like the plague.  I'm terrified of the number, and my fears were confirmed when I stepped on.  A big fat 250 staring back at me.  This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What the hell is going on with my body???
I just keep gaining weight.  What am I supposed to do?
I always get excited when I see weight loss drugs in the store, or hear ads on the radio or TV, but I stop myself and think, "no, that shit doesn't work."
I have these lingering thoughts of gastric bypass or lap band surgery.  Would insurance cover that?  Is that something that's even right for me?  I don't know, but I feel so hopeless.  I went to Target this weekend and picked up some new T-shirts, since all the ones I have now feel too small.  I'm getting 2X to 3X.  It's embarrassing.
I was making an xbox 360 avatar at Nathan's last night and kept thinking, "my character doesn't look fat enough, but this is all the bigger it will let me make it."
I really shouldn't dwell on this so much, but I find it permeates all my thoughts.  I'm more than just my body.  I have a great personality, I'm talented, a good friend, a good person, (sometime).  I have a lot to offer.  Why can't I just be happy?  I'm sure if I'd just stop dwelling on this it wouldn't be so fucking hard.  Today I looked in the mirror and didn't feel as disgusted as I usually do.  I really like this new shirt I got and I think I look relatively good in it.  I just have this obsession about looking like everyone else.  Part of it is what I see on TV, what I see in magazines, what I see in movies.  I know it's bunk, but I still worry that I don't look good enough.  It's stupid.  This is the shit I rail against.  Don't tell me who to be, don't tell me what to look like, don't tell me what to do.
I didn't shave my legs for 10 years because I was fighting the beauty standard. I don't buy fancy pants clothes for the same reason.  I shave my head in college for fuck's sake. Why do I feel like I have to fit in when it comes to my body?  Well goddamnit, it's about time I stop.  It's exhausting.  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel good, and everyone that has a problem with it can kiss the fattest part of my ass.