Damn it Feels Good to be Medicated

I haven't blogged in a couple of days, but don't worry, it's not from lack of struggling with eating!

I just had a nice 3 day weekend with my lover and didn't really go near a computer.

I've been a real bitch the past few days but finally got my thyroid refilled and feel better.  Less tired, less bitchy.  I just got my estrogen refilled too, and am getting blood taken tomorrow to check my levels.  My body temp has been a wild roller coaster since I ran out a couple weeks ago, so I should start feeling better soon.  I get migraines way too often when my hormones are low.  I have to take Imitrex like goddamn candy.
I need to get to my regular doctor and my psych doctor.  Maybe they'll have some insight as to what I can do for my weight.  I know a few of my medications cause weight gain, so maybe switching those up could help.  I don't know. Plus I won't have insurance for much longer and need to get checkups in before I start living under a bridge, binging on pizza crusts and shoe leather.

I didn't have any real revelations this weekend.  I went for a walk on Friday night, up and down the big hill in Sherman Hill.  I thought I was going to die on my 3rd lap, but I was glad I was doing it.
I want to get out the bag and box, but I need to go to the chiro.  My shoulder is killing me.
I went to a wedding with Nathan on Saturday and was standing around in heels for about an hour.  The ankle I rolled during Farrell's started swelling up and it still hurts, so I don't know if kick boxing is such a great idea right now.  My body is a broken wasteland.
I sucked it up and got on the scale the other day.  I've been avoiding scales like the plague.  I'm terrified of the number, and my fears were confirmed when I stepped on.  A big fat 250 staring back at me.  This is the heaviest I've ever been in my life.
What the hell is going on with my body???
I just keep gaining weight.  What am I supposed to do?
I always get excited when I see weight loss drugs in the store, or hear ads on the radio or TV, but I stop myself and think, "no, that shit doesn't work."
I have these lingering thoughts of gastric bypass or lap band surgery.  Would insurance cover that?  Is that something that's even right for me?  I don't know, but I feel so hopeless.  I went to Target this weekend and picked up some new T-shirts, since all the ones I have now feel too small.  I'm getting 2X to 3X.  It's embarrassing.
I was making an xbox 360 avatar at Nathan's last night and kept thinking, "my character doesn't look fat enough, but this is all the bigger it will let me make it."
I really shouldn't dwell on this so much, but I find it permeates all my thoughts.  I'm more than just my body.  I have a great personality, I'm talented, a good friend, a good person, (sometime).  I have a lot to offer.  Why can't I just be happy?  I'm sure if I'd just stop dwelling on this it wouldn't be so fucking hard.  Today I looked in the mirror and didn't feel as disgusted as I usually do.  I really like this new shirt I got and I think I look relatively good in it.  I just have this obsession about looking like everyone else.  Part of it is what I see on TV, what I see in magazines, what I see in movies.  I know it's bunk, but I still worry that I don't look good enough.  It's stupid.  This is the shit I rail against.  Don't tell me who to be, don't tell me what to look like, don't tell me what to do.
I didn't shave my legs for 10 years because I was fighting the beauty standard. I don't buy fancy pants clothes for the same reason.  I shave my head in college for fuck's sake. Why do I feel like I have to fit in when it comes to my body?  Well goddamnit, it's about time I stop.  It's exhausting.  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to feel good, and everyone that has a problem with it can kiss the fattest part of my ass.